Stats for real-life items!!

[The DSM]

Bacon:

+ 9001 to awesomeness

-2 days from total life span.

 

[SextusMaximus]

A fish:

-20 Smell
+15 protein
-60 Intimidation
+10 Taste

Special Abilities:
WET FISH SLAP

 

[WINDOWCLEAN2]

TIGER WOODS.

+50 GOlfing
+20 Blackness
-70 Loyalty
Adds 7 female followers to your party
Driving skiils decrease by 25%

You sir, are a comedy god.

Why thankyou!

I'm here until.....well i'm just here actually, I'm the guy in the corner that makes Oragami and laughs at peoples misfortunes.

 

[breadlord]

Roman Helmet

+50 Awesomeness
+100 Protection of Physical Damage
+100 Intimidation

Roman Armour
+50 Awesomeness
+100 Protection of Physical Damage
+100 Intimidation

Roman Set:
Helmet
Armour
Gauntlets
Greeves
Leggings

+9001 Awesomeness
+9001 Intimidation


Added bonus: Mirror Aviators
+9999 added bonus to everything listed above

 

[TheYellowCellPhone]

Trench Spike/Knife:

+90 Badassedness
+45 Intimidation
+200 Awesomeness
+5 "Fuck this!"

Special Abilities:

It's a stabbing and melee tool in one.

 

[A Raging Emo]

Name:

Kitteh!

Stats:

-10 Respect
-5 Speech
-5 Charisma
+5 Occasional Lulz
+5 Internet Meme
+5 Cute

Special Ability(s):

In Combat, the Lesser Spotted LolCat Kitteh can be used to degrade the enemy language, making any message they attempt to send unintelligible!

 

[LolCam]

BERET

+30 Arrogance
+20 barter with weed dealers
-5 friends

You also forgot

+500 Attack Damage with Explosives

 

[Sporky111]

Officially, this is my new favorite thread.

Rubber Band

+60% chance of using random ability
-20 stylish braclet
+1 ranged combat

Grants Ability: Sneak Attack

Towel

-90% chance of being caught unprepared
+3 melee combat bonus

Grant Abilities: Prepared for Anything and Don't Panic

 

[Robert632]

http://media-files.gather.com/images/d272/d848/d744/d224/d96/f3/full.jpg

Giant revolver.

-200000 to practicality
+200 to badass bonus points

Special abilities:Instantly make everyones penis feel small.

 

[Joe Deadman]

Giant Eddie Murphy head.

+100000 to creepiness
-1000 sanity

Special abillity: Makes random people scream "PHOTOSHOP!" (or just scream).

Eye bleach. (not really real but what the hell.)

+50 sanity
-1 memory
-100 health

Status effect: "It Burns!!!"

 

[WalkNasty]

dentures

+5 to nomming

 

[Deleted]

Haha this thread rocks. The everyday item ones are the best.

+ 50 intelligence
+ 20 vision
immunity to girls

 

[Logie--bear]

Big Cock Energy Drink

+30 Energy
+40 Lolz
+20 Tastiness

Special Notes
+60% chance of douchebag making an obvious gay joke
-80% chance of can getting thrown out

 

[hittite]

goggles

Stats:
They do nothing

 

[Sakurazaki1023]

Spoiler

+200 To Perceived Masculinity
+200 To All Badass Attributes
-300 To Practicality

If wielding by Fanboy
+1000 To Nerdiness
+500 To Back Pain
+500 To Disjointed Limbs

If wielded by Zack
Remove Practicality Deduction

 

[Drmonstereater]

1st Edition Lord of the Rings

+10,000 Nerdiness

- 1-100 Spare Time (Depending on how long user spent searching for them)

-1000 Chance to get laid

 

[PrimoThePro]

Tattoos:
+50 Coolness
+100% Mark for life
Special Abilities
(If you are a girl) If you get a Tramp Stamp, +70% Fuckability, but also -100% use of Epidural

 

[hittite]

iPod

stats:
+ 50 sanity
-100 awareness

special abilities:
"ignore"
Become completely oblivious to extensive dialog, unlimited use.

 

[hittite]

replica One Ring

Stats:
+1 bling
+25 nerd rating
+1000 delusions of grandeur

 

[Spazztic]

Facebook Account
Stats:

+500 random friends you know nothing about
+9000 updates per day
+9000 emails about shit you don't care about
+80 Sheep factor
-90% life
-50 self respect