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maninahat

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Matthew Wilson said:
maninahat said:
Matthew Wilson said:
I'm in the middle of writing a 5 series tv show called Blood Type, keep in mind that I've copyrighted this idea.

Blood Type is set in an alternative modern Britain where vampires and werewolves are part of everyday human life, however with all things different the humans treat them with hostility and bigoted remarks such as bloodsucker and mooner ? the bigoted humans are known as Iggies which is short for ignorant as they assume the vampires and werewolves are mindless killers. The show follows 3 stories.
The first is of Irish vampire Draco Murphy and his black werewolf partner Gabriel Ford who after years of abuse both have decided to fight against the humans and start a revolution to fight for their rights. They are joined by vampires, homosexual Vance Curtis and his sister Rose, factory worker Evan Westguard, Abbie Logue who takes a fancy to Vance, werewolf and Vance?s partner-in-crime Cyrus Deckard and Iggie Harold Bellamy whom Draco turned against his will in the pilot and takes prisoner.
The second story is that of three college students, Welsh vampire Jacob Elroy, his human girlfriend/fiancée Daryl Morgan and his werewolf best friend Mac Clayton. Deciding to elope the three of them leave their prejudice town, during the first series they are followed first by Daryl?s Iggie father Joseph and then Iggie student Phil Anderson who turns himself in order to kill them. Seeing them off they are met by Desmond Followill, a werewolf farmer, Nathan and Leanne Deckard, a husband and wife werewolf team and leaders of the Moonlight Tribe ? a group of exiled werewolves ? Nathan is Cyrus?s brother, Reede Fox, Jacob?s human friend in Cardiff and Jeffery Elroy, Jacob?s estranged father.
The final story is about Alistair Burke, a political bigot and leader of the H.N.P. (Human National Party). Alistair presents himself as someone willing to do anything to get to the top and stop the revolution, even going as far as hiring Joseph Morgan as a bounty hunter to kill Draco. Alistair is joined on his mission to the top by his deputy Malcolm Simms who is replaced in series 3 after his death by neo-Nazi General Redfield and later violent human Marcus Cole, Ron Archer the Prime Minister who Alistair twists to his tune and Robin Mosby, a peace pushing werewolf who Alistair tricks into working for him against Draco.
The "HNP" sounds a bit anvilicious to me. Why is it that people are prejudiced against werewolves and vampires? If their life depends on draining human blood or attacking them at random, it seems fairly reasonable for humans to hate them in the first place ...which ends up making the HNP sound reasonable. Which accidentally creates an argument in favour of the real life BNP.

...You'll have to be very careful. Also sounds very similar to "True Blood", which has many of the same problems.
The point I should have mentioned is that vampires and werewolves have been around as long as humans and they've evolved with them yet they are still treated like slaves and second class citizens. The show is basically an analogy for other fights for rights like Blacks and Women in the past.
Also I've never seen True Blood so I don't know anything about it.
It is probably a very good idea that you check out True Blood because they use vampires as an analogy to current gay rights movements in the US in a very similar style (ignorant right wing types who regard vampires as second class, godless, hedonist, and deadly freaks) . There is a danger that your work might get dismissed as being either as too similar in premise, or an outright rip-off.
 

bioshockedcriticjrr

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C117 said:
Well, I've thought of a couple of stories, I've just never written any. Like a vampire story I thought up a while ago.

In this story, vampirism is not a magical curse or something like that. Instead, it is a sexually transmitted disease that maxes out the victims body potential, making them much stronger, faster, more durable and enhancing their five senses. Unfortunately, this also means that the victims almost constantly needs new blood for their bodies, otherwise they will age rapidly, reaching a physical age of 80 within a matter of days. It also makes them almost blind in direct sunlight, since their senses become too strong.

The main character, let's call him Jack, is an ordinary guy who is infected with the vampire disease after a one-night stand together with a beautiful woman, let's call her Rachel. After slowly realizing he has turned into a vampire, Jack is visited by a man from the government. They know about the existence of vampires, and informs the public, including Jack, that anybody who is suspected of being a vampire will be killed, in order to stop the disease from spreading...
C117" post="18.241984.8766639 said:
I like it.
I've got a lot, personally. one in mind is about a girl, Terra, whose a freshman in highshool, and needless to say, she gets the shit end of the stick. It doesn't hurt that she gets the terrible suspicion that she's going insane, seeing as how whenever she lets her mind wander, she starts hearing voices. One day, a middle-aged woman comes to her and tells her that she's a "Prodagy," a psychic who is very, very good at what she does. Although she has trouble with telekinesis, she can bend a spoon with her mind--the classic psychic staple--which is enough and after a long weekend she hones her specialty: the ability to enter the minds of others and manipulate them in any way she saw fit.
Needless to say, when she goes back to school she sent all of those who made her life a living into their own personal version of a living hell, after which she turns school into her own little paradise, making herself one of the popular girls and making the boy she has a crush on fall in love with her.
However, later on, after seeing a man who she started to become friends within her dreams, get literally wripped to shreds, blood and all, she repents fully and joins other psychics, and in a war between two factions who can read and manupulate the minds of others, even other psychics, it's tough not only to know who's your friend and who's your enemy but just how many of your own thoughts are yours.
needless to say, this is going to be a series. and just to titilate your tongue here are some major plot points: tera making out with a new boyfriend who tries then to kill her, tongue in mouth; being forced to change her own physical appearance so as to avoid being found by people hunting her down she's not even sure are real or even which side they're on; the realization that both sides have failed to explore the ethics of their powers and the biological reason why they're psychics because they've been so focused on fighting eachother; being abducted by a secret government agency trying to keep tags on the psychics and her eventual escape and trashing of the place; a chase scene in which she's held at knife by a man being manipulated by her chaser and, that once she wrestles off her keeper, she's forced to slow down her perception of time, so she can stop a bullit in mid air
 

WhiteFangofWhoa

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A couple of novelizations of old games I loved growing up. Beyond that I keep trying to write a noir, but I can never make it feel gritty enough. Every personal crisis you can put a character in that period through feels cliched, and I don't want the whole story to be sad. That's just me.
 

The Afrodactyl

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My characters are traditionally nameless, and always end up dead (or face with impending death)

Departure

How long? How many hours? How long had it been since I fell? How long since the bullet struck?

Death. The inescapable release. The cruel, heartless harlequin playing us perpetually like peculiar puppets. Perverse.

White-hot searing pain surges through my enfeebled body; I investigate the cavernous wound in my gut with a probing finger. I pull my finger free of the wound. It?s quickly followed by a vulgar, wet sucking noise as air rushes to fill the void. Blood begins to pour from the wound. An immense knot of fear begins to well up in what is left of my stomach. I try to cry for help. I am unable to scream. I make no sound but a guttural groan.

I look around for any sign of aid or rescue. There is nothing. Just the inky, mottled blackness of the night-sky, and the halo of gore around me. A jolt of rapier-like pain tears through me once more, as a chill wind rips across the landscape. I claw at the soil for release. Its dry, craggy texture lending no comfort to a dying man. I taste the foul, metallic tang of blood. I spasm violently, and am rewarded with an explosive, hacking cough; which propels a gout of ichor liberally into the darkness.

I panic. I?m going to die. Soon. Hopefully. I cannot stand the agony. I cannot stand the waiting. Clutch at the soil once more. I feel trapped. Helpless. The empty blackness makes me feel as though buried alive. I can take it no longer?

?Finish it! Take me! Stop toying with me you loveless bastard!? I scream at no one in particular.

I break out in tears, the hysterics catching up with me. As the heavy, salty tears roll down my dirt-smeared face, I wonder, ?How long is left??

A small part inside my mind clicks.

?You mean you don?t know?? it asks. ?No-one can, or will save you now? it mocks.

?You?re already dead! Your body just hasn?t caught up yet!? the mocking collapses into a hideous, belittling giggling fit.

It is some time before I realise that it is me that is giggling like a loon, not some hate-fuelled part of my brain. I feel tired. Dizzy. Woozy from exhaustion.

?I can?t fight any longer? I think, ?I must sleep.?

I slowly and gratefully close my eyes, waiting for rest. I hear screams. And explosions. And the repetitive rat-tat-tatting and dakka-dakking of gunfire. Slowly but surely, a picture knits itself together in my mind?s eye.

The crossfire. When we were caught between the enemy. I see Slavini go down first, images of his skull exploding interrupted by the staccato flashing of gunfire. Pieces of flesh and bone scattering like foul rain as his limp lifeless body spins to the ground like a leaf n a storm. Then Poliwicz. His body being flung through the air like a grotesque doll. His flight ends with the vulgar crack-thump of breaking bone.

The screams. The unrelenting screams. I pray, beg and cry for release. And then?

Finally?

The screams stop?

Darkness descends?

I?m free?

For my A-levels, I will be required to give the story a setting, give the character a name (D:) and develop a personality for him.

And you know, make it longer.
 

Matthew Wilson

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maninahat said:
Matthew Wilson said:
maninahat said:
Matthew Wilson said:
I'm in the middle of writing a 5 series tv show called Blood Type, keep in mind that I've copyrighted this idea.

Blood Type is set in an alternative modern Britain where vampires and werewolves are part of everyday human life, however with all things different the humans treat them with hostility and bigoted remarks such as bloodsucker and mooner ? the bigoted humans are known as Iggies which is short for ignorant as they assume the vampires and werewolves are mindless killers. The show follows 3 stories.
The first is of Irish vampire Draco Murphy and his black werewolf partner Gabriel Ford who after years of abuse both have decided to fight against the humans and start a revolution to fight for their rights. They are joined by vampires, homosexual Vance Curtis and his sister Rose, factory worker Evan Westguard, Abbie Logue who takes a fancy to Vance, werewolf and Vance?s partner-in-crime Cyrus Deckard and Iggie Harold Bellamy whom Draco turned against his will in the pilot and takes prisoner.
The second story is that of three college students, Welsh vampire Jacob Elroy, his human girlfriend/fiancée Daryl Morgan and his werewolf best friend Mac Clayton. Deciding to elope the three of them leave their prejudice town, during the first series they are followed first by Daryl?s Iggie father Joseph and then Iggie student Phil Anderson who turns himself in order to kill them. Seeing them off they are met by Desmond Followill, a werewolf farmer, Nathan and Leanne Deckard, a husband and wife werewolf team and leaders of the Moonlight Tribe ? a group of exiled werewolves ? Nathan is Cyrus?s brother, Reede Fox, Jacob?s human friend in Cardiff and Jeffery Elroy, Jacob?s estranged father.
The final story is about Alistair Burke, a political bigot and leader of the H.N.P. (Human National Party). Alistair presents himself as someone willing to do anything to get to the top and stop the revolution, even going as far as hiring Joseph Morgan as a bounty hunter to kill Draco. Alistair is joined on his mission to the top by his deputy Malcolm Simms who is replaced in series 3 after his death by neo-Nazi General Redfield and later violent human Marcus Cole, Ron Archer the Prime Minister who Alistair twists to his tune and Robin Mosby, a peace pushing werewolf who Alistair tricks into working for him against Draco.
The "HNP" sounds a bit anvilicious to me. Why is it that people are prejudiced against werewolves and vampires? If their life depends on draining human blood or attacking them at random, it seems fairly reasonable for humans to hate them in the first place ...which ends up making the HNP sound reasonable. Which accidentally creates an argument in favour of the real life BNP.

...You'll have to be very careful. Also sounds very similar to "True Blood", which has many of the same problems.
The point I should have mentioned is that vampires and werewolves have been around as long as humans and they've evolved with them yet they are still treated like slaves and second class citizens. The show is basically an analogy for other fights for rights like Blacks and Women in the past.
Also I've never seen True Blood so I don't know anything about it.
It is probably a very good idea that you check out True Blood because they use vampires as an analogy to current gay rights movements in the US in a very similar style (ignorant right wing types who regard vampires as second class, godless, hedonist, and deadly freaks) . There is a danger that your work might get dismissed as being either as too similar in premise, or an outright rip-off.
Thanks for the advice, I'll probably stay away from True Blood just in case I see an idea and copy it. Maybe I'll keep this quiet until the whole vampire thing goes down.
 

Charisma

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Marik Bentusi said:
lol i r quote 2 get ur attn
pretty cool when you can find loopholes to scamper giggling around the arbitrary restrictions people like to dump on you. my school is downtown in a decent sized city and parking is scarce, so the school charges $125 for a parking permit to their own little parking lot across the street. but i found a church just half a block away that doesn't tow any vehicular trespassers. so for the opportunity to get a little exercise every morning and afternoon, i save myself $125.

ok here goes

She's definitely the most noteworthy of the Old Gods as far as historical backstory goes, but in the Pantheon heirarchy she was on the level of Demeter, respectable and accomplished in her own small way (though a little eccentric considering her enduring affection for mortals), but nothing special in matters of what most Old Gods considered "importance."

One important thing to note is the One God (the new, antagonistic god) is believed to be the Old God of (insert abstract, morally rich theme here ie Justice/Light/Honor/etc). What's believed is that this God of (blank) didn't die in the great cataclysm - only went into hibernation, and returned a century later to much praise and happiness.

Whether this is actually the case or not is a subject to be explained if and when I end up expounding on the plot details. Ooo, ominous.

So true that we poor misunderstood fantasy writers are crushed under the weight of balancing fighters and wizards, and coming up with a way to describe mana. I thought my method was pretty solid, but when I realize that the savvy reader will still recognize it for what it is, I cringe with self-loathing.

You're totally right that my thing is vague and hard to understand, and that's actually one of its weaknesses I feel. But I'm pretty comfortable with it because it only seems vague when it's being described out-of-story. Within the context of the story it won't be fully explained (only what's necessary to the plot), and there'll be other stuff to worry about, so it's okay.

Rowling doesn't explain why sneezing out some garbled Latin and flicking a wand does such things, and she also doesn't explain how some wizards seem to be able to produce certain magical effects without speaking any words at all. But the story flows really well and the overall effect is that it isn't even just that the reader forgives her for this slight oversight; they don't even see anything to forgive at all.

I'm totally not being defensive here, but I'd just like to point out that your system of the soul becoming tired is just as vague as mine, as Rowling's, and any other magic system. In my own search for a really good, believable, intuitive magic system, I realized that the best a writer can do is come up with some interesting mechanics that perform the same function as pretty CGI in a movie - it distracts the reader from the sad fact that magic is impossible to justify in real-world terms. And at the end of the day, the readers really don't care. They're in it for the escapism, and any gimmicks you throw in are only there to strengthen their immersion or impress them with how smart and unique your world is (which, again, is supposed to immerse them deeper because they're more likely to trust your skill).

I really hope I didn't sound defensive there. I don't get defensive about criticism anymore, I just organize it into useful and useless.

Yeah, reading that article it looks like she's exactly that. She's meant to be endearing and sweet and sympathetic. And she definitely has a name, though over the centuries it's been lost as one of the (lesser known) sins of the One God is to destroy all histories and lore about the Old Gods. There's a very specific reason for that.

Though there is one last haven for ancient lore, wherein the name of the Spectacled One is found. In the world there's an extremely popular heavy metal band named Magehammer, whose big gimmick is that all the players are accomplished mages. Their live shows, as you can probably imagine, are something to behold. The lyrics to the songs hover in midair with fiery letters. The whole stage spends the whole concert aflame (though it doesn't damage the magically immune artists, of course. I haven't actually spent much time dreaming up cool ways magic could enhance a music concert, so if you have ideas I'll probably use them.

Anyway, since the lead singer of the band is several hundred years old and a very powerful wizard who lived in the time of the Old Gods (though not one of the great wizards of his time, he was one of the apprentices of one of the great wizards), there's a lot of ancient lore hidden in the lyrics of their songs. Their song, Spell of Apocalypse, actually refers to and explains the slow social distancing of the Old Gods, blaming the cataclysm on their inability to evolve. And it's the song Favored of Twilight, known by most of their fans to be a romance story, talks about the Spectacled One and her High Priest. The genius of the song is that it refers to her in two ways; Twilight was one of her nicknames, and her actual name is hidden in code within the lyrics.

I don't actually know her real name yet; I'm not sure I ever will.

You know, I've spent some time there and been entertained and interested. It makes you grin and go Hey yeah, that's true lol. But at some point I became aware of the dangers it presents to my creativity. I dunno if this is true for anyone else, but I know my process well enough to think that if I spent too much time troping, I would lose some of my creative freedom. I would start following the rules written between the lines - for example, avoiding things the site frames in negative context even though one of the universal rules of storytelling is that anything can be done well, no matter how cliche or overdone or whatever else.

So yeah, as cool and clever as I think it is, I spend as little time there as possible.

really clever metaphor for internet culture. That shit has a ton of potential for topical allegory, cautionary or otherwise. Pursue that shit like a nice short skirt over a tight butt.

that sounds like as good a place as any to get ideas. sometimes you need a platform to jump off to get the creative juices flowing, and once you have enough awesome material, great characters, compelling stories to tell, you can cut the umbilical cord and rewrite it as its own grown-up independent story.

really similar to something i did for a while with this girl i knew; we collaborated on a joint original role-playing world and spent hours every night just rping. the stories and characters we generated remain with me to this day. now that it's dead i've scavenged some of that material, translating it into new settings or just letting it stay as true to the original version as it wants to be.

the one that's changed the least is the "ambitious lone wolf" member of my five-man band, only when he was in the rping he was already a great wizard of terrible power, whereas here he's still just a kid with a lot to learn. that'll be fun seeing him develop.

first off, your plan to switch moral roles for all your characters is very interesting. i love stories that double as studies in the artistic tools of storytelling. have you seen the movie Crash? it's actually really similar to what you're talking about, though slightly different. i call it a study in character likability, in that every single character does a complete 180 as far as how likable and sympathetic they are. some start very sympathetic then become total douchebags, and vice versa. it's fucking crazy how good it is.

by the way, Karive is awesome! i admit i was a little skeptical when i saw the stuff about "he uses your own fears against you!" thinking he's just a Scarecrow ripoff, and then even more skeptical when i saw the Gray Fox cyclops helmet thing, but i am very impressed. he sounds scary as well, and pretty unique visually and thematically.

since you're a troper, i can only imagine you intend him to be your Magnificent Bastard? i think he definitely has the potential to be a good one.

though, i think the goal of turning him into a good guy is a little unrealistic. characters like that just can't believably turn good. the best you can do is to cast him in a slightly less unsympathetic light.

take Hannibal, the original intellectual badass. he never changes his ways or becomes nice. his nature never changes, and it can be said that he never even really develops as a character. the reader/viewer just sees more of him than they knew before, and by the end of the third (AND FINAL. HANNIBAL RISING NEVER FUCKING EXISTED.) book he actually ends up looking pretty sympathetic, though never a true good guy.

one thing you might ponder is to give Karive an apprentice of some kind. either a son/daughter or a student, or some kind of young mind to teach and be proud of. one thing that unites all men regardless of their place on the moral spectrum is a profound desire to pass on their wisdom. true, some men never know that desire, but you can see how that's something any male character can want whether they're unrelentingly virtuous or viciously, remorselessly evil.

casting Karive in the light of an evil father passing on his evil knowledge to a malleable young future-evil-mastermind will win him a not-insignificant amount of sympathy and likability from the audience, especially if he approaches the teaching process with patience and pride and his own dark version of fatherly warmth. i don't know if he's capable of that kind of emotional value, but based on what limited information i have about him, i can see him being very pleased with the idea that his legacy will live on, at the very least, if not actually grow to like and even love his fledgling pupil. but either way, i think a limited amount of reader sympathy is all you can expect from him.

unless you want to pee on his character, of course.

about writing your nurse's story, yeah i basically just meant go back and make her the main character of her own origin story. like what hollywood did with Wolverine, except actually good.

is surprising.

and you have no idea how jealous i am. my best sketches have been terrible. i'm not even just being humble, i literally mean i am the very worst [visual] artist on the planet and every other planet ever.

you think i'm exaggerating?

how awesome it would be if i could visually represent my characters, worlds, significant objects, even at just the basic levels. a lot of filmwriters like to storyboard their own scenes and do so pretty skillfully. Brad Bird, supergenius auteur writer/creator/director of The Incredibles, did comics for several "extended universe" type stories (some of which make brief cameos in the film).

i mean, i don't want to over-praise you here because it's not amazing; it's very solid and more than adequately does its job of offering visual representations of the characters you create. maybe what i'm seeing on your profile is just quick sketches to that end, and your talent is such that you actually could draw up something truly great. but either way, i'm jealous.

so my question is, did you develop that talent from nothing, or did it come naturally? it developed over years of doodling in high school, right? something like that?

also, lol@"this won't become canon right?"

so anyway, that's about all i have today. i definitely have more to brag about with this story, and other worlds and other stories as well, if you continue to be interested. give me a green light and i'll go into the plot some, though unfortunately at this stage of development it's mostly just a skeleton. which is convenient because i literally can't spend hours typing up the important points.

how's Deutschland? and what are you going to school for, anyway? and don't worry, because your english is impeccable.
 

MasterOfWorlds

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Jezzascmezza said:
I'm writing a novel right now as a bit of a hobby.
I'm not going to say what it's about because I'm completely paranoid about plagiarism.

Please don't laugh.
I won't laugh, because I'm the same way. XD

I'm working on a few novels. Hopefully they'll be published one day. As soon as I finish them and my OCD lets me stop editing them. >.>
 

Marik Bentusi

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Charisma said:
Your Ad here
The universal rule of "something nice happens to you, something bad shall happen to you" slapped me in the face yesterday as my original reply to you was eaten by the old university computer. It even deleted what I copied into the clipboard. Fuckin' magic.
On the plus side, I wrote a small essay on Karive, so now I'll revise the information and shorten it drastically.

Deutschland is stagnating at the moment. Politicians don't listen to the people, any arguments are postponed until the topic loses Media attention and politicians can drop the topic without losing their reputation or face.
What's up with the USA? I've heard Obama is in trouble because his hype has stopped carrying him for quite a bit of time now. Dunno how much of his fault it is that he couldn't stick to his promises, taking bureaucracy into mind.

Also, you have my green light.
...
Shut up, Gimli, he doesn't want your axe.

I say give him an attribute that isn't purely good or "Light", but something like Justice that is generally seen as something positive until you mention sentences of biblical cruelty. After all, there are the character alignments "Lawful Good", "Lawful Neutral" and "Lawful Evil", so sticking to the law alone doesn't make you good. In fact, I think the most common type of hero is Chaotic Good and fights the government like a teenager their parents. Which is of course helpful if you have that target audience in mind.
:p

I have to admit, I laughed. I don't know if the concept is ridiculous or awesome.

I would have expected tho that in a world that runs on magic and magic is just mundane, it already replaced things like fireworks/pyrotechnics. It seems weird tho that a music band is a something like a Spectacled One cult underneath. Well, good thing we don't have the internet in that world, somebody would break the code and post it on YouTube to show everyone how smart they are. I imagine that would make Mr. One God pretty unhappy.

(I didn't say Mana because that's actually the unit I use the story for measuring magic, lol)

I see, we simply have different target audiences then. I started writing my story because I was sick of dull stories that don't even attempt to explain their background mechanics like magic and instead just say "don't complain, it's pretty to look at". Which is why I enjoyed Full Metal Alchemist a great deal for example, even if that science wasn't waterproof either. If I actually published my story, it would be "by a troper for tropers". If you're not familiar with storywriting and tropes, you probably won't notice how much it subverts, inverts, deconstructs, reconstructs, etc. If you leave all that out of the story, it's just a generic battle action story with a Downer Ending (probably, I haven't made decisions about the Ending solid yet). That's like watching through NGE without knowing a bit about psychology or mythology. You probably will enjoy a few fights, but overall will say "meh" or don't understand it at all. That's what you get for not being the target audience, Timmy.
I realize the majority of people aren't tropers or people familiar with tropes, which is why I never intend to publish the story at all. If I wanted to make money with it, I'd make it as mainstream as possible and only include one or two unique twists. Anything more than that and Timmy McAverage will be left unsatisfied and confused.

I never viewed TV Tropes as something that limits me in my creativity. It's the opposite, actually.
You need to know the rules in order to break them properly. TV Tropes shows me the rules, the tropes, the cliche, I take it and try to avert, subvert and deconstruct it in a hopefully unique way so that people will think "Yeah, and next thing that will happen is... WAIT, WHAT?! OH wow... hm... oh... didn't see that coming... wow...", that would be pretty much the optimal reaction. TV Tropes also shows me what's already been done so that I can see what works and what doesn't. It also great at pointing out when my ideas come too close to those of somebody else so I can change directions and concepts until I have something that carries my own mark. Tropes Are Tools [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TropesAreTools]. Some people like to use tropes on their works and use TV Tropes for figuring out what are good ways to do so and what are the common traps involved with the trope. There's almost always also hints at how to spice up old tropes as many pages have already subversions and double-subversions listed.

I think it's idealistic to think people can be completely neutral about a topic, so there's probably some opinion on how "good or bad" a certain trope is, but once you can get behind that and view tropes as tools, it shouldn't bother you anymore. Then again saying this sounds hypocritical. I can't stand anymore straightforward "Rescue the Princess" plots or "Power Mullets [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PowerMakesYourHairGrow]". You lose, Bleach, you loooose.

Really, without TV Tropes, my story would have been incredibly bland and none of the characters would have been even a bit lively. There would be genericness all over the place and I'd probably even be happy with it. That's either proof of TV Tropes being awesome or me being an idiot, haha.

Balance is a real challenge and my setting including multiple world only makes it harder. Which only makes it more interesting.
I see it like this: Magic is high effort/high reward. You need a lot of training behind it and you'll still need to be in shape for combat. Even more so with your story in which you need both strength in body and mind in order to be a successful mage. In combat, mages commonly also need a lot of concentration if they want to pull out the big guns, so they'll be vulnerable during that period of time. Given the destructive nature to their combat powers and their high value, they'll also be made priority targets by the enemy.
I don't know about your level of scientific technology, but my story also implements modern-day to scifi-technology. Screw you, Fantasy genre, I don't want to stick with bows and arrows and battleaxes!
This anarcane (=non-magical) branch of technology might not be able to pull out magical fireballs, but it's capable of nuking you good. Even without a nuke, the key to success of anarcane technology lies within the accessibility of firearms. If you're in war, it's much easier to recruit new soldiers carrying guns than teaching somebody how to use lethal magic. It's mostly low effort/low reward for the "footsoldiers" utilizing anarcane magic, but they will almost always gain a big advantage through their numbers compared to the numbers of capable mages who can wage wars on their own.
The big advantage of mages is also - just like in WoW I think, haven't touched the game in ages - AoE, area of effect. Killing a single person is easy, a loaded gun and a working hand is all you need. Even if you "only" hit the leg, the person will probably die from bleeding. In fact, police is always aiming for center mass because it's the least lethal way of shooting somebody with the excepting of shooting you in the butt. But I digress.
Given the mage doesn't have the laser guiding system of a dozen enemy snipers on his forehead, they could easily defeat a whole army on their own with floods, earthquakes, lightning, fire, or incapacitate them with soundwaves, illusion, psychological warfare, they could summon the undead or allies from another plane of existence, they could rip the blood out of your veins, give the blood the shape of a sharp blade and cut open the next blood bag. Almost all of these issues can't be solved with bullets. Then again, you got nukes.

I hope you get the idea. I think I elaborated more on it in this [http://comments.deviantart.com/1/99163764/1454948887] discussion, just CTRL+F your way to "The magic/technology balance is still in progress" and try to find your way through to the important parts. xD In general if you're interested about the characters, plot of setting of this story, I think you can read through this [http://comments.deviantart.com/1/99163764/1435666566]. It's of biblical length and probably has many outdated parts tho, but it's as close as I came to writing a summary of what I've already written and still plan on writing.

It's hard to explain Karive's origin story or motivation for harassing the main characters in every way possible without explaining the complete setting. It's like describing why the puppeteer does his job without describing anything but the world of the puppets.

For the short version (if you really want a longer version, just request it, I don't know how interested you are in this), let's just say he's concentrated his entire self on this one task. He doesn't care about his lineage. He simply isn't that human. He is living, he is breathing, he is existing for this task, he was born for it. You can argue as much with him as a meteor heading towards earth. You're simply not gonna stop him.
He's a monster. His redeemable value lies within his past and the question of responsibility for his actions. If I want to explain either, I'll need to explain more about the setting tho. Much more in fact. That's why the twist involving his change of alignment is supposed to be very late in the story when the reader is already familiar with the setting

Dangit, I know neither Scarecrow nor Crash nor Gray Fox (you're probably gonna sue me for all of it), but it's sounding like I need more unique parts. Thanks for the headsup! If you could give me a brief description of each and tell me what's the biggest parallels, I'll try to break them.

As for Karive's design: I had a vague picture of him in mind, or the shape and form he shows when approaching the main characters (he is a shapeshifter after all. But the less obvious it is, the better you can use the ability to fuck with people, especially when you're starting to blur the line between dream and reality with paranoia and hallucinations born from madness. Yeah, Karive's "puppets" are really gonna get raped...). It's what is in the top left corner here [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Concept-Karive-177436047]. Basically a skeleton in a suit with a half-transparent thin layer of grey skin. I thought about replacing the eyes with empty black eye holes, but that made it look more like a generic skeleton. Red or burning eyes looked just cheesy. Which is why I gave him this helmet thingie... it's not even clear if its a helmet or his real head shape. Probably the letter, he is a shapeshifter after all.
Haha, when looking at that picture I realize just how stiff everything looks. Well, first time I actually focused on drawing a suit, I think you can see I still need some practice here, haha.
After looking up Gray Fox on Google Images (no wonder I never heard of him/her/it (not sure judging from the images), MGS is a console game and the only console I have is the Gameboy Color, heh), I really want to change his design. I'm thinking about giving him gloves, but without a wrist visible between suit and glove, so it's not that generic. The cyclops helmet part was a spontaneous idea. Two eyes looked too normal, three too busy, one looked about right and would be remarkable even if you don't see the rest of his body. In the middle of darkness it could also serve as a nice reference [http://www.carlspeare.com/hal9000.jpg] (to another movie I never watched, but learned a lot from, haha).
I could either remove eyes completely, (but then again eyeless monsters are pretty generic, too: case 1 [http://leslielinda.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/a-pans-labyrinth-pl_disc1-9.jpg], case 2 [http://www.unigamesity.com/wp-content/uploads//2008/11/penumbrabp.jpg], two more things I never watched/played but learned a few tricks from, haha) or make it look a bit more like Evangelions (their robotic parts ripped to shreds or not).

I came out of my mother's womb and criticized Picasso to the degree where all of his pictures and copies of his pictures located in Germany were publicly burned and the immense cloud of toxic smoke wiped out a small country which name has been forgotten ever since.

No, really, I scribbled sometimes at the edges of school papers and had a time where I would come up with own spaceship designs after playing through the condensed atmosphere that mortals call Homeworld [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homeworld] (ironically, it's a space game), but I only started picking up drawing with a somewhat serious hobby mentality in mind during July 2007 when I was in hospital. A place as good as any to start with it, right?
I can't say I'm very good at it, but it'll be enough for visualizing parts of the story, which is the reason why I started working on my drawing skills in the first place.

As for what I'm studying, it's business informatics. Telling businesses how to use computers for more than playing Farm Ville. I bet my English, German and Visual Arts teachers would be furious about that decision as each of them wanted me to study something in their field, but I didn't see how studying any of those things would give me a somewhat safe job. Tho it would be exciting to turn my hobbies into a job, haha.
 

The Salty Vulcan

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I once created an entire comic book universe similiar to DC or Marvel. It mainly focused on five superheroes and was a reconstruction/homage/parody of the Silver Age of Comics. Like Watchmen, it examined how these superheroes influenced society culturally and technologically. It also explored the idea behind the Legacy Character found in comics hence the title, Legacies.

Irma Spink aka Ms. Amazing: A timid, shy and under-appreciated secretary at a chic fashion house, Irma lived a rather unimpressive life in a rather modest apartment with her best friend Jenny, in a rather boring nieghbourhood. It wasn't until Irma's own designs were passed off for the fifth time that Irma's life changed rather unexpectedly. Finding herself drunk at a beach she witnessed a strange meteorite fall from the sky right at her feet. Immediately exposed by the space rock's strange rays, she later realised that she had developed super-powers. Out of frustration and a hope of making her life more meaningful, Irma took it upon herself to use her powers in order to become Ms Amazing.

*Irma was most notably inspired by DC characters such as Wonder Woman, Superman and Power-Girl with elements of Empowered and Spider-man as well.

*Irma is essntially a Flying Brick possessing the usual powers of Super-Strength, Invunerability, Flight, Heat Vision etc.
Her origin is an inversion of {{Superman's}} weakness to Kryptonite and a homage to the film Meteor Man.

*Unlike most superheroes, Irma has an entire closet full of different outfits designed by herself. Unfortunately, Irma often forgets that she is going to be the one wearing them and often finds herself a little embarrased when she's in outfit.

Alan Broome aka All-Star: Dr. Alan Broome was a happily married Diagnostician when he was bombarded by rays from an experimental X-Ray machine. When he awoke he discovered that he could think, react and move at superhuman speed. At first, Alan was more than content to continue living his life normally until he was inspired by a story in the paper about a woman who lost her life becuase the ambulance weren't able to treat her in time. Encouraged by his wife Irene, Alan operated as a super-speeding medic and occasional do-gooder until he lost his job at the hospital. After he found himself unable to find another job, he contacted a patiant of his who happened to be a agent and approached the sporting goods company All-Star to see if he could become its mascot. The idea payed off and Alan officially became All-Star, The Fastest Man on Earth and the first sponsored superhero.

*Alan's name is in fact a portmanteau of The Second Flash, Barry Allen and one of the character's creators, John Broome

*Alan is obviously inspired by The Flash and his origin is a homage not only to the second Flash, Barry Allen but to the Silver Age in general.

*One of Alan's most unlikeliest if inspirations is in fact Rorschach, himsef inspired by the real life murder of Kitty Genovese. Much like the other characters from Alan Moore's Watchmen, Alan essentially serves as a decontruction (and a recontruction) of the Silver Age Superhero.

The Roberts: Quantum Roberts was the only son of two Theoretical Physicist and, as you would expect, was a child prodigee. By the time he was in the early-mid twenty's he had already gained Ph.Ds in Mechanical Engineering and Quantum Physics and, while not officially recognized, had a working understanding of Chemistry, Biology and Computer Technology. Using his knowledge to assist various project, Quantum travelled the world where he eventually met his future wife Helen (a distinguished Biologist in her own right) in Japan. It was here that the two discovered and defeated a Kaiju monster named Atomo The Nuclear Menance. Inspired, the two eventually became Science Heroes funding their adventures through Quantum's various patents and Helen's ground breaking research. Residing at Ross University, the duo soon became a quartet after their twin children Sam and Stacey were born. Today the family go everywhere together and are often assisted by Quantum's assistant, Leonard Ripley.

*The Roberts are inspired by equal parts Challengers of the Unknown, Fantastic Four, Tom Strong, Meet The Robertsons and The Simpsons with elements of Silver Age Superman and The Secret Saturdays

*The Roberts are the most developed of all the characters because, quite simply, they're the oldest. First developed when I was 17, this is the fith interation of the family.

*Ross University is named so as a homage to Alex Ross who's favourite superhero happens to be Superman


Niel and Jack Harker aka Rumour I & II: A Father and Son vigilante team, very little is known about the original Rumour, Niel Harker. His origins are so shrouded in myth, that not even his Golden Age associates such as The Sentinel or his own son Jack are quite sure what is real and what is fictitous. The only thing that is certain is that Niel spent a great deal of his life travelling the world before he returned to the city equipped with everything he needed to begin his career as The Dark Avenger: The Rumour. His son Jack however, has yet to establish such a notorious legend for himself. Originally starting out as his father's second sidekick, Jack took his father's position after a life of crime-fighting had left him with a bad heart. Now, with his father's guidance from their headquarters The Haunt, Jack stalks the streets, fighting crime as The Rumour.

*Niel and Jack are obviously inspired by Batman and the entire Bat-Family (including the Batman Beyond cast). There are however, elements of Daredevil and The Shadow as well. Like their inspirations, these two lack superpowers instead utilizing martial arts, deductive reasonsing and skills, gadgetry and fear tactics.

*Niel's first sidekick, Todd Jensons, is fondly remembered by Niel. He died in the line of duty however the same night Jack's mother died. Its because of their deaths, that Jack has dedicated his life to fight crime. Todd's name is of course a reference to Jason Todd, the second Robin, who also died in the line of duty.

*The name "Harker" is a reference to Dracula, whose cast of characters included Jonathan Harker, Mina Murray's fiance.


Dean Donlowe aka The Sentinel: Before he found a dying alien and his destroyed planets technology, Dean was a harsh, tough-as-nails District Attorney with a less than healthy view of humanity. It was during his visitis to space during his career that Dean was exposed to some of the most technologically and socialogically advanced species in the universe. It was during a fight with an alien invasion that Dean was greviously injured. Rather than heal in seclusion, Dean chose to heal on Earth in an attempt to reconnect with humanity...He stayed for two years before he found the closest culture on Earth he could find to one in space (a hidden temple/city in the Himalayas). Having spent years in Tibet, Dean eventually grew restless and decided to return to the city once again as the Sentinel of Earth.

*Dean was inspired by the likes of DC's Green Lantern Corp (particarly Hal Jordon), Marvel's NOVA Corp and Edward Elmer "Doc" Smith's Lensmen series. Other inspirations include the Jedi, Rom The Space Knight and Iron Man.

*The temple/city (named Bar Zhou Dong) originally was from an earliar work of mine and was the home of a powerful mystic man who happened to be named Lo Tzu.

*Dean was inspired by actor Linus Roach, who himself played and Assistant District Attorney in Law and Order
 

The87Italians

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Jun 17, 2009
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I found I right characters better when they don't have names, so I'd have to say my best character is named "the Man."
 

Cogwheel

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Apr 3, 2010
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Right. I'd forgotten that I was talked into making an account to dump all these stories some time ago.

Over here: http://cog-stories.deviantart.com/gallery/

Thoughts/mockery?
 

Mrrrgggrlllrrrg

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Jun 21, 2010
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Zombie horror short story in high school and some things dealing with EVE and D&D, tiefling paladin ftw. Nothing I'd share cause I'm one of those people who can say it but wont share it.
 

Charisma

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Marik Bentusi said:
it's funny how we keep bumping dis shit, helping the OP get his Hot Topic badge LOL
holy carp, they should make a TV show called "When Technology Bites Off Your Dick." Man that sucks.

actually obama is doing rather well at the moment. while the common dregs of society ***** about health care and how he bows to foreign dignitaries, his future is looking very bright as a result of his new team of powerful archwizards summoning up a demon to use as the lynchpin of american national defense. he's also busily improving relations with the Prawn nation and with the Shire Hobbits, so i can't but imagine everything is great.

okay here's the sum total of my actual knowledge of about political current issues: obama is black

also people seem to not like him for some reason

actually i would love to have gimli's axe, thank you.

i don't really think in terms of dnd alignment; i would find that a little restrictive. the one god is two important things: a poor manager, and an overprotective parent. his key failing is that he rejects the idea that you can be free or safe and not both, and he tries to create an environment for the people of the world where they are both. i'll summarize the overall plot later on, and the one god's role will become much clearer there

the magical band is awesome? they're not really a cult or anything, just 3-5 powerful wizards who like entertaining people and feel it's their duty not to let the ancient lore die.

the part i failed to mention that makes them slightly less comedic is that in the world, over the last few centuries there's been a profound shift in social attitude about magic. where once (in the time when it was fairly new, and the 50-100 years after the cataclysm when magic was responsible for humanity's survival), magic was considered THE most grand and noble thing on the planet. a wizard was a lady's man (or a confident, independent woman), an athlete, a freedom fighter, and an all-around badass. Magic was huge in scale and everyone was in awe of the infinite capabilities presented by it, socially as well as personally. The greatest of wizards could shake the very pillars of the earth. Wizards weren't quite gods, but something greater than mortal as well.

Fast forward to the modern times and the perception has changed. Magic is mundane and boring. Wizards these days don't think of magic in terms of "what is possible," they think of it in terms of "what is marketable." Some very efficient ways to perform common "convenience" effects have been discovered and trivialized. Wizards don't learn magic anymore to be general badasses, to spend decades on devoted research, to learn the greatest magic. They learn magic to get rich. Wizards now are like doctors; they go to a wizard school, spend 8-12 years of their lives learning the most basic magic, the simple magic they need to be able to work for factories placing the enchantments on metal boxes that allow them to be used as toasters and flask ovens. Magic (specifically biomancy) dominates the medical community as well.

The real world parallel I can draw is to the old geniuses; DaVinci, Mozart, Galileo. Men who literally changed the world with their unspeakably powerful genius. But these days, geniuses don't bother devoting their whole lives to honing their art. They get research grants, work 9-5, and go home to watch TV.

That's what Magehammer does. In a world that's lost awe, respect, and wonder for the art of wizardry because the magic community has fallen into lethargy, Magehammer puts that awe and wonder back in their listeners. They're old school badass sorcerers who feel the glory days should be preserved. And they do that pretty well.

you brought up the internet, so i just wanted to quickly mention that the general technology level should be thought of as fifties-era. TVs, cars, and microwaves are around, but computers and the internet are not. the discipline of magic known as the blanket term "technomancy" (even though that's not an actual Language) is relatively new, so it can't really do anything very complicated yet. creating what's essentially the internet is definitely doable with my world's magic system, but it would require incredibly complex spellcasting and a ton of research and development.

going back to what i was talking about with how magic is mundane, since spellcasting is inherently dangerous and research even more so, technomancy advancement has slowed to a crawl. No one wants to risk it. Countless wizards have been crippled for life or killed outright for being just a tiny bit careless (or unlucky, or both) with their magical experimentation. So you can see how in the old days, wizards were bolder and braver, and technology progressed quickly, but these days no one cares enough to risk their lives.

i can definitely see and value your approach to tropes. sadly my way of performing the same functionality you get from tvtropes is a little isolation-based. what i do is i spend a ton of time deconstructing stories in terms i myself define. that way i develop a set of rules and can see what works and what doesn't, but the only mind involved in generating the ruleset is my own. also my roommate because i often involve him in creative matters.

and see, that's one of the things i was worried about. seeing the internet say something is cliche and to be avoided might pigeonhole me into intentions of subversion and deconstruction, when i always felt my primary goal should be to tell a good story independent of any outside attitudes toward cliche and overuse. i'm comfortable with my own negative feelings towards stuff that's overused, and my ability to avoid them, or if i must use them, to at least hide them or tell them with solid fundamentals so the cliche can be forgiven. i see a lot of movies and read a lot of books, so i always just felt my creativity would be the most pure and unique if i don't let someone else's opinion influence me.

i hope that doesn't come off as condescending or anything, because i definitely see the validity of your approach. MY approach could also be called creative timidity because of the very vulnerability of my process to influence by tropes. so yeah.

you have a very firm grasp on the way technology should be balanced vs magic; it can be seen as a metaphor for the difference between the conforming majority and the creative minority. if you don't like having to think for yourself you conform, but if you value self-expression and uniqueness, and don't mind or enjoy the extra work being your own person requires, then you don't conform. thus most people will just pick up a gun and shoot, or push a button to call down a nuke. but the nobly independent free-thinkers will learn magic and the whole world will be their oyster, as long as they can find ways to deal with bullets.

as for my own world, guns don't exist. i have a very tentative understanding of the historical reason behind that, and i have yet to solidify it in the current incarnation of the historical backstory, but basically most people have a vague idea of what a gun is, but because of powerful social taboos no one (or at least, a very scant few) would even touch one if they found one, let alone pick it up and use it in their day to day lives.

they're also fiercely illegal; possession of a firearm is right up there with murder.

the primary reason i did this was to believably bring swordsmanship into an urban setting. swords and swordplay are just a lot more interesting to me than gun fighting; takes a lot more skill.

the way i plan to get this across is that near the beginning of one of my chapters, my five teenaged protagonists will discover an ancient revolver pistol and be totally fascinated. my adventurous risk-taker will want to keep it and use it, while my sarcastic nurturer will want to turn it over to the authorities for the reward. so by this event i can show that firearms in my world don't exist.

post you linked and i'm very intrigued (yeah i know you only linked it for the tech vs magic digression, which was also very good but only restated your understanding of tech vs magic).

my favorite part was what karive does to talitha; that shit is awesome.

the only connection gray fox has with him is the one-eyed facemask, so if i were you i wouldn't worry about it at all.

scarecrow is one of the batman villains; his gimmick is he's a professor of the fear response, so fear is the focus of his MO. the clearest, most basic example is his poison gas that causes hallucinations of its victims' darkest fears.

karive is therefore a lot more all-inclusive with his mindrape, and i don't think you need to be worried.

i think it's pretty interesting how your first reaction to being presented with examples like that is to feel your work is unoriginal, because it reflects our different approaches to the creative process.

i present these examples for the same reason you present me with tropes: to show how your work fits in with other works, and to maybe refer you to material that might help shape and refine your story.

does that make sense? i hope so, sometimes i suck at making sense.

so since i've already spent quite a while on other stuff i'll try to make this as basic an overview of the overall plot as possible.

the first thing i will do is go through the history of the world up to the present day. but after that i have to explain a certain world mechanic, because without it the plot doesn't work at all. and i want you to try to bear with me, because if you feel certain elements of my magic system are vague or ill-defined, then this mechanic is also guilty of the same criticism. i have the same frustration about it, and one of my goals is to more clearly define it, at least for my own understanding.

also be aware that this information is super rife with spoilers, so i'll put it in the next spoiler block if you feel like you'd rather read the story outright and be surprised.

thousands of years ago a terrible interdimensional war drives hundreds, then thousands, of refugees to the legendary Citadel of Light, the home of the immensely powerful Celestials. over hundreds of years these refugee camps grow from tents and ditches to inns and blacksmiths and stables and potters and thatchers, and the growing medieval-themed village around the Citadel grows and grows. streets of dirt and mud become paved. dumpy ox-carts become sleek horse-drawn buggies. under the protective canopy of the Celestials, civilization huddles in fear from the forces around them.

hundreds of years of this socioeconomic growth turn the hamlet of Tome into a township, then a thriving renaissance-era London, and, after a long, long time, into the enormous, bloated modern metropolis it became, of which the Celestials and their Citadel is only the tiniest part.

all through this time the Old Gods watch over the mortal races and see the increasing blasphemies. when some great poet writes that the Gods are dead, the actual Gods grow increasingly morose and distant. soon enough that prophecy comes true, for the Gods eventually withdraw almost entirely, save for allowing their priests to channel their power through their meager prayers.

then come the Elder days of the Old Gods. mortal society is the least religious it's ever been, many people going their whole lives without ever praying to any god.

during this time the Spectacled One has her whole thing going on, and wizardry is born, seen by the rest of the gods as the capstone of blasphemies in an already doomed mortal society.

wizards and priests hate each other. wizards see priests as dogmatic, narrow-minded slaves of bull-headed, self-serving deities, and priests see wizards as unwashed, disrespectful hooligans biting the hands that feed them. whenever a wizard and a priest meet, harsh words at the very least are likely to fly.

since much of the world is still beholden to the gods, wizards are sometimes met with contempt. wizards represent something new and scary to a lot of people; it seems horribly sacreligious and dangerous to use the powers of the gods without their approval. even some of the more progressive and liberal communities of Tome tend to be nervous around wizards, for a long time. but this just serves to weed out the weak wills and ensure that the wizards who do endure the harshness of their surroundings are strong and capable and smart, which in the long run helps wizardry tremendously, because the image of the dashing, quick-witted wizard soon captures the hearts of the people.

finally the cataclysm happens. fissures rend the earth, skyscrapers topple, and hundreds of millions perish. the few who survive keep calling out to the gods, but they receive no answers. it's as if the gods have abandoned them completely.

note: i think part of the reason guns are so taboo is a result of something in this era; the cataclysm itself might be blamed on the firearm because of some kind of misunderstanding. the gun is a symbol of the gods' disdain for mortals, and it is believed for a long time that the cataclysm was brought on by the gods; they broke our city and abandoned us, and it's because of our sacreligious ways including this stupid gun stuff.

the real superheroes of this post-apocalyptic era are the wizards. previously they were brave rebels and badasses spitting in the gods' faces, but now they're instrumental in saving humanity from the brink of extinction.

about a hundred years after the apocalypse, a miracle happens; a great godly figure appears to the people, claiming to be the God of (Justice/Honor/whatever) returned from hibernation. he tells the people that the rest of the gods are dead, and he has come back to protect and shelter, and will never abandon his beloved children again.

so the One God is heralded and praised, and his Church gains a lot of power as a result. interestingly enough, the old enmities between wizard and priest resurface, but the priests lack a lot of the social support they had in the old days, because the people remember that it was wizards who saved society from its fate. as a result of the cataclysm showing people how fragile life is, the hatreds burn a lot cooler than they did as well, with most of the enmity expressed through mild tension and maybe some half-good-natured jokes thrown back and forth, and almost never do things come to violence.

and that brings us to the present day, around four and a half centuries after the cataclysm. society has become lethargic and apathetic; gone are the heroes and badasses of the past. great names are often written about in comic books and their stories told in movies and on TV, but the celebrities nowadays are entertainers, not adventurers. this is probably because society has regained a fairly firm control of its surroundings and so adventure and danger no longer really has a market, but one can't help but gaze into the past and feel a little sad.

so the mechanic that makes the story work is godly essence; literally the energy that gives gods their great powers. i'm experimenting with likening this essence to the kind of "mental energy" you see in very accomplished, motivated people as opposed to passive, unmotivated people. as in, the motivated person has more "divine essence" than the unmotivated person, so a god is just a person with a tremendous amount of this same mental energy. but really, besides that i have no way to explain it besides explaining what does in the story.

the main thing to understand about divine essence is that the more of it you get, the more godly you are. it adheres to your soul and fortifies and strengthens you, body and mind. and the most important thing to note is that if a mortal gathers enough divine essence, he becomes a god himself.

so when the Old Gods perished, they were destroyed utterly and their essence rained down into the world in tiny pieces, like shards of a shattered glass vase. essence is invisible and undetectable by any known magical means, so for decades nothing happened. at least, as far as most mortals know.

essence possess a kind of quasi-intelligence, where it has no will or agenda of its own, but it has certain behaviors. one of the things it does is that it's drawn to those of great will. over the last few centuries there have been stories of great athletes devoted to perfecting their form, and after years of them being obsessed and incredibly motivated, they start becoming stronger and faster, in some cases superhumanly so. the reason is because the essence comes to them.

essence can do other things as well; if it adheres to the souls of animals it can make them intelligent. i have a whole race of intelligent spiders called Slyders that's a common pest for society, but no one knows their origins beyond just saying, Slyders came into existence when the catalcysm happened. oh yeah, a lot of shit was crazy back then, so it's not surprising that spiders became smart.

as to the One God's role in all this; his greatest sin is keeping essence a secret. knowing that if the knowledge of essence gets out, society will quickly devolve into a crazy bloodbath as people fight and kill each other in the frenzy to collect as much essence as possible. he knows that the strongest will become even stronger, dominating and killing in their powerlust, and no one wants a bully like that becoming a god.

so to this end, the One God ruthlessly stamps out any hint or whisper that could lead to the secret of essence getting out. he deceives and tricks and kills those who learn about essence, hoarding essence himself and giving it only to those priestly zealots he can trust, and only for the purpose of hunting down and stealing essence from those who happen to get it naturally, in case their font of essence grows too great. and for the longest time, society has remained blissfully ignorant.

enter the protagonists who will stumble across the secret away from the eyes of the One God, and will soon become strong enough to resist the agents of the Church sent to kill them. this is where my planning has few details, because i haven't actually written that far yet, but most of the way through the story it becomes apparent that the One God is the final boss, the chief antagonist, and the characters must deal with him in a very real, direct way.

and then comes... the great reveal.

the One God was a mortal who learned about essence very early on, and used this advantage to hoard enough that he could destroy anyone else who began to collect it. he didn't do this for any selfish reason; he was a good guy, a smart guy, and thought he knew what society needed. he thought he knew how to make the people happy and safe, and he was afraid of bad people gaining power. once he could pass as a full-fledged deity he revealed himself to the people, presenting himself as the most trustworthy of the Old Gods awoken from a deep slumber for some easy cred.

so the last climax of this plot is the main characters, who have become godly beings themselves, literally beating up the One God.

Once the One God is defeated, a new being appears to the protagonists, one completely immune to even their strongest divine attacks. he introduces himself as the Overgod, author of all the many worlds and their rules and physics. he tells them the cataclysm was his doing, that he decided the Old Gods on this world weren't doing their job anymore and that the breaking of the world was a common procedure, a "restructuring of the power distribution." essence would be fought over, and the strongest and smartest and most capable individuals, both evil and good, would claim essence and become the new patheon, a new theocracy of new minds closer with their world and their society.

the Overgod goes on to say that what happened wasn't quite what he had expected, that one individual would rise up to rule alone. he says he's seen this before, and he's also very impressed that the protagonists managed to break that rule after it was established.

he goes on to say that it's no one's choice but the protagonists what they do with their power. they are free to become the new pantheon if they want, to build temples and form religions and hear the worship and praise of their followers. they may distribute power amongst themselves, develop their own systems of rule, create their own godly domains, appoint new gods to fill roles they don't want to perform. the challenges of godhood are summed up here, which are similar to the challenges of a manager or a business owner.

but the protagonists take an entirely different approach; they have become convinced that divine essence itself is the problem. they've seen example after example that the very existence of gods is inappropriate for their own society; the One God himself was a great example of how the best intentions can go bad. and as a group they believe strongly in freedom and danger as opposed to safety and oppression, so their choice is to give up their power and destroy all traces of divine essence so that no being will ever be able to misuse godly powers. they feel that society doesn't need gods, that it's mature enough not to need the guidance of higher powers. they feel people can take responsibility for their own destinies, can decide for themselves what life is about.

so this is where the theme of "coming of age for the whole society" culminates. there comes a time in every person's life where they no longer need the guidance of their parents, and the same can be said for societies and their superstitions, their gods. when we can handle ourselves without relying on faith in a smarter person we think will take care of us, we will be better off. that's the theme i hope to convey.

can you guess i was raised religious? i would be shocked if you didn't.

there'll obviously be a lot more going on than just that. my tentative plan is for four "seasons" of twenty "episodes" apiece, so four 400 page books. there's a lot of space for subplots, characterization, filler, humor, interpersonal drama, exploration/exposition of the world and its rules, magic, and society, and everything else you might find in an epic adventure like this.

in the end it should feel a lot like harry potter, avatar (the airbender series, not the blue kittycat people), lord of the rings, wheel of time, dragonlance, or any other large-scale epic adventure with humble beginnings, with the added benefit that the social coming of age theme should add a great philosophical concept to cap off the cool and interesting journey we've invested a good chunk of time into.

at the moment, out of eight hundred pages, i've written about 80. the main group of five teenagers isn't even fully integrated into an actual group of friends yet. i've told an origin story for one of the significant character traits of one of the protagonists, and gone through the story of their first adventure together. but they haven't even left their little valley, and the fifth friend is still a wild card no one really trusts. so there's still a long way to go.

and that's that; when telling me what you think be sure to throw any sugar coating in the garbage disposal because i need to know what's wrong with it if it's to be made into something worth reading. what's good, what's bad. even if you think the whole thing is shit that's criticism too, and inherently valuable. doubly so because it's pretty obvious you're no creative mediocrity.

crap, there was something else i was going to write up but i've forgotten. probably for the best, because this freaking post is already King Kong to the fuzzy chimp of the rest of the messages we've had flying back and forth.

that one post you linked said that you don't have an english version of your story. is that still true? if it is, link me to anywhere you've got more info on it, or just write up what you care to. i really like what i saw there.

now i must put calories in my complaining stomach, because it's starting to passive-aggressively make me lightheaded, the bastard.
 

Marik Bentusi

Senior Member
Aug 20, 2010
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Charisma said:
Stop putting words in my mouth, will ya?
Hooray for getting people badges.

Charisma said:
Obama is black
Lies and rumors, it's a conspiracy.

Of course you can be safe and free at the same time, that's what quicksave is for.

As for the alignments, I think you can categorize a couple of characters well with it. Surely not the really complex ones with multiple layers to their personality, but those characters are a very, very small minority.

I just have to keep thinking of this [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M99FwRexqKo] horrible, horrible Harry Potter parody revolving around "Fresh Dumbledore", an aspiring Hip Hop artist in his best years. It actually caused a lot of spin-offs I've only heard of.
The other instance where I think of magic and "modern-style" music come together is Brütal Legend, which doesn't exactly take itself seriously either.

Charisma said:
Wizards these days don't think of magic in terms of "what is possible," they think of it in terms of "what is marketable." [...] They learn magic to get rich.
Haha, so much for escapism. ;P

Charisma said:
The real world parallel I can draw is to the old geniuses; DaVinci, Mozart, Galileo. Men who literally changed the world with their unspeakably powerful genius. But these days, geniuses don't bother devoting their whole lives to honing their art. They get research grants, work 9-5, and go home to watch TV.
I can see where you're coming from, but I have to disagree. If we're talking about comparable genuises in modern times, I think of Einstein and Stephen Hawkings. I believe none of the two is or was caught in a normal life after the world learned about them.
Fucking Dark Matter, how does it work?

Not trying to play the marketing manager, but exactly how is Magehammer impressing its crowd aside from being "oldschool"?

Technomancy, eh? [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/WhateverMancy]

Charisma said:
going back to what i was talking about with how magic is mundane, since spellcasting is inherently dangerous and research even more so, technomancy advancement has slowed to a crawl. No one wants to risk it.
I don't see how that's different from playing with fire or lightning. Come to think of it, what exactly *is* Technomancy? The ability to move metal, copper and electrons?
It doesn't exactly sound believable to me that people are too scared to keep researching. In the end, curiosity always won for us and this is why we're flying to outer space, dive deep into the ocean, experiment with genetics and diseases. Just saying "people in the old days were bolder and braver" wouldn't be a sufficient explanation for me.
Aside from curiosity, advancing in scientific fields always gets your nation an advantage in trading and/or warfare.

I think we'll just have to go with that, but I don't really understand you anyway. After all, what opinions on TV Tropes offer you are (more or less helpful) suggestions. That's a similar positions to an editor who comments on your work prior to publishing and gives you advice how to improve it or make it more suited for the market you're aiming for. There's of course also feedback in general from readers and critics who will often also say their opinion on something that could very well be described as a trope.

Meh. I think the amount of time we keep talking about this isn't worth the gain. Just let me say I don't believe in "pure creativity". At all.

As pretty as the metaphor of "conforming majority and the creative minority" sounds, I don't really agree with it. What dominates both kinds of warfare is strategy and logistics after all. See, being a mage in the kind of army I was talking about doesn't mean you're something like a player character getting a general mission or quest but all in all decides himself how to slay [10 Grumpy Space Marines]. You're as much a tool as every single other Soldier, only your weapon - magic - works differently from a gun.
As for guns themselves, there's a lot more to them than simply pressing the trigger. All in all it's still easier to pick up than picking up magic of course, but after I did some research on it so I don't write crap I actually realize how much you have to know about your gun if you want to use it for more than one battle. And what I dug up is just about handguns. Can't imagine how much you have to do just so a single rocket doesn't miss its target. Fucking EMP spoiling the fun. Poor drones, never saw it coming.

Charisma said:
as for my own world, guns don't exist. [...] they're also fiercely illegal; possession of a firearm is right up there with murder.
Which is it? :p
If your world doesn't (widely) support firearms, then what's the last development stage of them where it "stuck"? Catapults? Black Powder? Dynamite? They could all be used to fire projectiles.
Mmmh now I'm in the mood for writing a battle with catapults. Imagine the black sky filled with burning meteors of human forge intercepting an enemy fleet of ships. Think of the stories the survivors would tell, haha. If they didn't know about such mechanisms or simply couldn't make out the shape of the catapults against the cloaking black of the night, they'd think a God slew them.

Charisma said:
the primary reason i did this was to believably bring swordsmanship into an urban setting. swords and swordplay are just a lot more interesting to me than gun fighting; takes a lot more skill.
Can't agree on the last part after all the research I did on gunfights. Aside from maintaining them, try to aim a gun properly over a long distance without sudden recoil sending your hand towards your face. Especially the bigger guns, rifles with 30 rounds or so, suffer from this, as deadly as they are.

But you're right, it's much more exciting to have close "personal" combat where the opponents are directly facing each other and can read each others emotions in their eyes; makes for some pretty dramatic effects. With guns, it's pretty much whoever sees the other one first is dead.
Doesn't stop me tho *heroic pose*. Here's an old pic of the first protagonist: http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Kharseth-Dump-152644489
Clearly it's a sword. If you look closely however, you'll also notice grenades around his belt and a 9mm strapped to his left leg. I recently decided to exchange the 9mm for Nail Guns [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Concept-Nail-Gun-178063701] and make him lose the advantage of grenades pretty early in the story without any replacements.
So, how to mix swordfights with gunfights without making it fucking retarded?
Well, perhaps the main justification is again my story's world concept which allows the characters to dive into worlds with a varying degree of technology. Should be self-explanatory.
Then, there's another joker to pull out from the sleeve: Magic. Yes, once again Magic saves the day... it sounds boring, but stay with me!

Defensively, it's rather easy to defend again bullets. The most common type of shield generate a moving current of magical energy and distributes more magic to areas that experience greater pressure from outside. Similarly to how Non-Newtonian Fluids [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2XQ97XHjVw] increase density depending on pressure. If something attempts to cross the barrier, it'll work like Earth's atmosphere and attempt on burning the thing before it reaches its target. Of course the faster the projectile, the more friction it'll create. What counters this is the shape of most bullets which is aerodynamic. It'll still be hit by the barrier tho.
The shield can only condense at a spot for a small time, but it can be done rapidly. The smaller the area it has to cover, the easier. Bullets aren't big in size, so it's easy to redistribute magic fast to where they hit. Unless you're caught in a complete bullet storm where dozens of bullets hit simultaneously, you should be safe for some time for as long as you can keep maintaining the shield properly. It's pretty ineffective against big explosives like grenades tho as the pressure wave will hit a great area of the shield.

Offensively, first of all, firearms are uninteresting for magic. You'd imagine enchanting bullets to increase their effects would make your army unstoppable, but the volume of magic you can link with an object is fairly limited, even if you're able to compress it. The bigger the object, the more room for enchantment you have. Bullets are very small, so putting a spell on them isn't likely to work properly at all. Things would be different if bullets were made of a different material - golden or silver trinkets and gems are famous for being a popular enchantment target - it would probably be different, but the only type of magical ammo that was ever put into use was silver [http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SilverBullet] and even that wasn't exactly as effective as myths would led to believe.
In turn, this means that bigger objects can carry bigger magical effects. You remember that weirdly shaped sword the main character was holding on one of the pics? Wondered how the hell that could ever fit in a scabbard properly?
Material-wise, the blade and most of the handle consists of CNTs [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbon_nanotube] (Get a hold of those stats. Seriously, read through that article and tell me it's not as close to "pure awesome" as we can get today). Inside the handle, I imagine there's a gem of some sorts, I haven't made my mind up about that detail yet. What's already written is that the sword is inhabited by a spirit.
Not a spirit that can visit you in person, not something that sophisticated. Based on intelligence it's probably closer to an animal than a human. This way it's easier to use it as a tool. Tho science doesn't like the name, swords and other weapons inhabited by a spirit of any sort is called a "runeblade", a word that dates back to when enchanters had to clutter the weapons with runes (which are a way of binding magic to objects like scrolls or in this case weaponry). The name's also a reference [http://www.howarddigitalmedia.com/blogimages/wrath-art-arthas.jpg]. Tho modern runeblades possess state-of-the-art quality enchantments that usually hide the runes from the wielder, the name simply stuck.
So, it's a sword possessed by a spirit, how much more deadly can that make it the thing?
Well, first of all, you have to get the image of the sword being alive. Not moving all the time or something, but it's basically the new body of the spirit. It doesn't talk to you, it doesn't leave your hand until you've washed your hands, but it has a sense of at least a lowly creature. While the body doesn't need anything like food, the soul, being crippled and fused to an alien body in the process of enchantment, does need an outside force of power. Normal souls can just take in magical energy surrounding them, this one can't. It's also a failsafe mechanism should a highly sophisticated spirit - these are of course reserved for the most rare and expensive runeblades - go rogue and attack its swordsman. Without him or her, chances are the soul of the blade will wither soon. But that's another topic altogether.
The usual external source of energy a runeblade draws its power on, is the victims of its swordsman. Not in an abstract sense. Just like copper is an excellent heat conductor (at room temperature anyway), blood is an excellent conductor for magical energy, going so far biologists claim it's the main reason for why complicated amounts of magic - souls - are able to naturally form bonds with complex living organisms. That's also the reason behind many ancient blood rituals, including myths about special powers surrounding menstruation blood and virgins. Blood is also one of the few substances that can accept most of the "flavor" of magic. Just like light can have different color, magic can also have different "informations" attached to them, one of them being emotions. That's an important key to explaining why emotional outbreaks causes sudden rise in the destructive abilities of magical powers. If you've ever seen a fight with magic, you'll know the guy who is seriously pissed about something will suddenly outgrow his own limits regarding magic skill. But I digress again.
Runeblades need to come in contact with their victim, ideally their blood stream, to absorb parts of their soul. In a process of "digesting" these parts of the target's soul, it is transformed into magical energy the runeblade can store and "work with". Also works on the undead by the way. They don't have a bloodstream, but forcefully joining the body with some sort of soul - either an independent one or the soul of its lich/summoner - makes the connection between soul and body much weaker than the natural one, thus it's easier to tear bits of it from the undead. If the body of the undead person is only connected to the soul of the summoner, the connection is even weaker and mostly a single hit is all it takes to devour the fine parts of the soul the summoner reached out to his/her goon.
The ability that the runeblade's spirit can activate with that stored power varies, but most of the time it doesn't activate at all until the spirit's own belly is filled, so it may take a while to feed it before it uses its strength in order to help its master. All in all, it's symbiosis tho. After all, the more the sword's master can kill, the more the soul will get to eat.
There's another way of getting the soul its meal and that is by tapping its owner's reserves of magical energy. After all, they (should) have a normal body that regenerates its magic potential over time. While this passive regeneration is normally not enough to compensate for the runeblade's hunger, it's at least a temporary solution or a solution for those who can enhance their magic regeneration in a way. It's also possible for a very hungry runeblade to simply start sucking out their swordmaster. Sometimes in one night while they were sleeping, sometimes slowly over time. Enchanters got a better grasp on shaping spirits over time tho, so these days most runeblade spirits could be seen as domestic dogs who don't eat their masters if they're hungry. Normally anyway. I DIGRESS AGAIN.
The abilities of the black runeblade I mentioned above are shapeshifting, magical "vampirism" and paralysis. Shapeshifting is the most basic one, paralysis the most advanced. The more basic the ability, the less magical energy the runeblade needs for it. Keep in mind tho that shapeshifting can have big and small effects and the smaller the input, the smaller the output. Magical vampirism is the reverse of the swordmaster being the source of energy for its sword, in this case the sword injects its master with spare energy. Helpful for swordsmen who also utilize magic spells and run out of mana in big battles. Paralysis should be self-explanatory. It slows the victim down in its movements like a poison. Helpful for big guys with big souls the sword can't reap in a few hits. "Just" paralyze with a few hits, bury the blade in the flesh, sleep for one night and next day your runeblade's spirit will be morbidly obese. :D
The degree of shapeshifting is almost passive/subconscious. Inside the sheath the sword has a normal shape, when in battle emotions from the sword's user carry over to his/her blade via their aura, the shape can change. On the pic where the character I showed you is holding the sword, you'll notice that the top has an odd shape. That's pretty much the default state inside of battle if the user isn't very calm. I imagine also using a shape with barbed wire surrounding the sword when the user becomes increasingly insane to the degree where practicality is sacrificed for the wish to just inflict pain to one's enemies. I DIGRESS.
Firearms have the disadvantage of reloading and ammo limits, swords don't need ammo (aside from a healthy user) and a morphing sword doesn't get dull.

Alright, alright, so firearms can't have fancy magic effects, swords can, that totally balances it. End of essay.

Charisma said:
my favorite part was what karive does to talitha; that shit is awesome.
I take "awesome" in this case can be interpreted in two ways.
I'm not sure about keeping that part in actually. It certainly is a great way of showing... what kind of antagonist Karive is, but rape is a very iffy topic. Neither do I want to display it as something that you can take every Monday, nor do I want it to mentally scar the characters to the degree where anything but sending them to a mental institution for the rest of their life would seem unrealistic. Rape isn't a fun topic, but it's a very common way of evoking sympathy and/or a generic dark backstory. It feels a bit dull. I'm thinking about a way of making the mindfuck creepy even when it's not happening. In the text I linked you I think I hinted something like "if Talitha keeps drawing bad cards, the mindfuck memories will start replacing her real ones", but I think I want more than that. If you wake up one day and suddenly remember that you were raped yesterday, that doesn't exactly make for a good effect in the story, tho emotionally the character will probably suffer anyway.
I'm thinking of taking a slice from horror games like BioShock or Dead Space where your character sees stuff and blocked memories briefly flashing before their eyes with increasing intensity towards the finale.
For example, there's a certain theme with the mindfuckery scenes like a certain type of recognizable evil laughter that's the only thing Talitha hears during the sequence and it stays from beginning to end. So whenever Talitha is trying to convince herself all of this didn't happen, she'll look a male character into the face and suddenly hear the same recognizable laughter as in the beginning of the mindfuckery. I know for certain this would scare shits of the size of skyscrapers out of my. It would be a nice way of blurring reality and imagination, which is always the best way of driving people insane, and I wouldn't have to drop an information about her real memories slowly being replaced with real ones, which would be a thing pretty difficult to show the reader instead of explaining it like I do right now. Making the character unsure about what's real or not and questioning their own sanity is a great way of breaking down an otherwise strong character, making them insecure and weakening their spirit.
I'm not sure how far to play this out however. As much as I think this is a thing I'd really like to put into the story just to prove what an Karive is, if I play it out completely, there's no way in hell Talitha will be alive by the end of the chapter. If you're being mauled from the inside like this, I think I couldn't resent you for taking your own life.
Urgh, I'm treating my antagonists way better than my protagonists. I guess I just like the type of heroes that furiously shout against the storm that they will not give up.

Charisma said:
i think it's pretty interesting how your first reaction to being presented with examples like that is to feel your work is unoriginal, because it reflects our different approaches to the creative process.

i present these examples for the same reason you present me with tropes: to show how your work fits in with other works, and to maybe refer you to material that might help shape and refine your story.
I suppose so. It's just that when I have the choice of either making something similar to an existing piece of fiction or change around the design so I can create something "iconic" or "unique" that people will remember after having looked at it only once, I'm inclined to do the latter. I don't do this with all aspects of course. It would be stupid to throw away something amazing just because parts of it have been done before. I do believe tho that it's inherently awesome to design a twist or something else that nobody expects or just something that's fresh. Of course I still won't create something stupid and unfitting just because it's never been done before - apparently there was a good reason for that.
I hope you get the idea.

Charisma said:
the first thing i will do is go through the history of the world up to the present day.
That sounds boring but necessary. I have a similar problem of weaving certain exposition with the narrative. Solved it by writing smaller paragraphs of exposition beneath the end of each chapter, disguised as excerpts from books existing within the story. For example, a book from Sir lols-a-lot on discrimination towards people with little magical talent.

Charisma said:
also be aware that this information is super rife with spoilers, so i'll put it in the next spoiler block if you feel like you'd rather read the story outright and be surprised.
I spoiled you, you spoil me, simple. :p You told me not to sugarcoat, so I thought the easiest way of letting you know what I think is just posting the notes and questions I made while reading. They weren't revised, so if I wondered about something at the start that's revealed at the end, you can probably skip the question. Here's the copypasta:

Interdimensional war? 2D Mario attacks 3D reality? What kind of technology is behind that? Why did it break out? Who was involved?
What's the Citadel of Light? Was it built by somebody mortal or immortal? Why are the Celestials ruling there and why aren't they involved in the war but care for a few refugees?
Why wasn't anybody else settled around the Citadel of Light? Surely it has a nice few and the weather is alright?
Are Celestials gods? Are they the Old Gods? What's their role?
Why do the Gods prove the humans wrong and walk into oblivion?
Who made that prophecy about the Gods vanishing? Prophets are traditionally send by gods, right? Or at least they have their visions. Is that their way of saying "brb, we're on vacation"?
Why do the Gods allow priests to channel their power through prayers? Are they the new safe-keepers of humanity? How much respect do they get for that? Or doesn't anyone care these guys tap the power pools of Gods? Surely they can demonstrate, so how "dead" are the Old Gods are believed to be in these times of absence of religious faith?
If the Spectacled One descends, how can people still pretend Gods don't exist? Does she hide her origin? Why? Too shy?
Why does she sow the seeds of discord between wizards and priests? Come to think of it, they've both been given their powers by Gods, how can the priests even question their gods' authority in that regard? Or am I thinking too much in the way of traditionally "god=absolute authority" pattern of Asian and European mythology? Shouldn't The Spectacled One attempt on smooth down differences between wizards and priests? She gave the wizards their power and her priests, too. Surely she can tell her kids to behave.
For some reason I'm inclined to tell you to demonstrate the wizard/priest disputes with a sibling pair whose harmony is destroyed because one sibling is a priest and the other is a wizard. Dunno why.
How is much of the world still beholden to the Gods if "mortal society is the least religious it's ever been"?
How are wizards using the powers of the Gods without their approval when their powers were granted by the Spectacled One?
I don't know how realistic it sounds that the skepticism against wizards helped them retain almost only members that are dashing, quick-witted, strong, capable or smart. Burglary is met with fear and skepticism, that doesn't mean burglars are supermen. To the opposite, wouldn't it make very potential wizards turn away from the thought of becoming a wizard?
Why does cataclysm really happen? Natural series of catastrophes that just happen to wreck the shit out of Tome?
If you haven't explained the real origin of the Cataclysm, maybe sew things nicely together by making the One God explain there was a large fight amongst the Gods and he's the sole survivor of the anarchy because HE'S DA BEST. That explains both the cataclysm and why everyone except for him is dead.
One God should have been confronted with a drunken wizard shortly after his arrival. Slaying him for making up new curse words as a greeting would have impressed people. It would also have been hilarious.
The fuck has society settled down when it can now blame an almighty God for everything that goes wrong, lol.
Sentient Spiders? Are we talking about Pokemon-spiders level of sentience or Dryder level?
Sounds like there's a limited amount of essence. Can I insult someone until he's lost his will to live, absorb his essence and go to the next kid until I'm a deity? Sounds like a plan. :D
I wonder how secretive you can be about something that grants some people visible superpowers that can't be detected by any means of science (including magic).
One God can harvest essence? How? I mean, there's no way magic or matter can do anything to it judging from what I've heard from you. Does he just boost his ego?
Come to think of it, if he does harvest essence, does it lower people's self-esteem/"motivation"? Wow, you could really suck out the will to live that way.
One God should just use his powers to make people incapable of hurting each other by their nature. He's a God that sucks out essence, he can do that, too. :d
If you notice one of your superpowered priests is taken down by a bunch of teenagers, can't you be God enough to return the favor and kill them? I mean /dude/ you're a GOD THAT FEEDS ON EGO, DO SOMETHING. xD
Nah, didn't see it coming. I don't think about origin stories for Gods, they're most commonly just existing ever since the beginning of time, that's it.
When I read the part about the main characters having become godly themselves, I couldn't help but think Essence is this world's Experience Points. It certainly would be easy to implement it into a videogame this way.
Why does the One God die even after explaining himself to the characters? If he doesn't do that, why wouldn't he?!
Overgod sounds like an Ass Pull (trope), maybe make the One God hint at a being of even higher existence every now and then. Hint. Not mention it. Not at all. Also, that name sounds a bit weird and keeps making me think of the Overlord series: http://i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll9/AdminBT/overlord_pc_cover_front.jpg
Well, so much for my questions about the catclysm or its origin.
Why would you redistribute the power and why that way? Does it make the Gods better that way? And why does Overlord care at all? It's not like evolution works this way.
Also, Overgod got horrible timing IMO. Why does he only show up now? What did he do all that time, eat chips and enjoy the games?
Wait. The godly main characters just slew a giant One God that's got essence worth of a whole pantheon. How godly does that make the characters in comparison of Overgod?
What, so there are gods of wisdoms and I-dunno, but even Gods with the most essence are only as smart as humans and can only take routes of reasoning that include stupid sacrifices? Doesn't sound godly. At all.
Yeah, humanity will surely do a great job without divine guidance. They might end up fucking up the planet beyond all repair tho. You know, like we do today.
My father doesn't/didn't believe in God (luckily divorce, I dunno and don't care what's he doing now), my mother is catholic. If God exists, he's a sadistic asshole and a bipolar twat, too. In the New Testament he's nothing like in the Old Testament. But I digress, ripping apart Christianity has its own entertainment value.
Avatar isn't blue kittycat people. It's alien smurf furries.
You have pretty high stakes if I might say.
In my opinion the ending is a wallbanger of epic proportions. I mean, real life shows how stuff plays out without divine guidance (if you're an atheist anyway). Surely the main characters could have just made a monopoly of Essence so people stop fighting about it and then reign with divine intelligence.
So far your frame of divinity seems to be just "my fireballs is bigger than yours" as I don't see divine intelligence. Which is pretty hard to show in a story. After all, the author is only human.
I think I've already forgotten why the Gods really vanished and I didn't find it in this plot summary. Care to repeat? :3

(My story's title if I haven't told you)

Yes, the story's still in German. I don't think about translating it until after I finished the German version and that's still a long way, haha.
I could translate you the first page or so however. I can't guarantee it'll give you the same feeling asif you read the German variant because I'll probably have to rip apart some rhetorical devices such as wordplays or alliterations, but it's better than nothing.

I'm not sure how much you've read now about the story, so I'll link other conversations with other details I remember and afterwards drop some topic names. If you know about them already, fine, if you don't or would like to know more about it/something is unclear, feel free to ask me. You can of course also ask me anything else about it, not just what I'm suggesting.
If you find stuff in my gallery, a lot of it is probably outdated already, so maybe you want to take a look at the date I uploaded it. For example, I think Talitha was originally supposed to be ~150 years old. Yeah, I cut that by 100 years to keep the concept a bit more down to earth.
Reading through the comments and the description beneath the images often reveals some stuff about the story.

Here it goes:
Additional Information

Objects, Inventory, Weaponry:
Frickin Pistol Flamethrowers [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Element-Explained-Lighter-171694187]
Kalziner/robotic arm [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Element-Explained-Kalziner-165058878] (quick view on cyborg parts) [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Quick-Work-Checkup-177996322] (another pic) [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Quick-Work-Holding-Hands-169708479] (another pic) [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/grg-frgz-drgh]
on the purpose of bandana and goggles [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Element-Explained-Mask-165196331] (another pic) [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Forgotten-in-the-Dust-and-Mist-174081138]
the "Multi" (concept name) [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Concept-Multi-169589165]
Sniper Rifle [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Concept-Siggi-s-Sniper-Rifle-177390184]

Creatures and Races:
Nightmare Army concept 1 [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Hunger-140167489] concept 2 [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Hassk-Concept-Art-168700154] explanation text, origin, etc [http://comments.deviantart.com/1/169301541/1546188123]
Glass Angels [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Concept-Glass-Angels] & Drow (in one of the comment conversations, keep CTRL+Fing.)
Demon of a Hundred Eyes [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Demon-of-a-Hundred-Eyes-143727900]

Characters:
Talitha (I'm curious how it's pronounced in English)
http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/quot-Girly-quot-149961037
http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/quot-Defensive-quot-143364551
http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/Talitha-Never-Canon-177157286 (pure eyecandy)
This discussion starts with Lilly, goes over to Tali and reaches Karive:
http://comments.deviantart.com/1/177882722/1648137615

Meta:
Quick cover idea
I'm starting to worry about The Escapist's character limit.

logo [http://marikbentusi.deviantart.com/art/ID-161617840]

Suggestions/Topics I could cover:
- the world system and general geography (orientation can be hard at times)
- origin stories for almost every character that has a name/ MOAR background on everyone, including Karive
- Order of Silvernight
- abilities of characters
- themes like the different Ages (Golden Age, Silver Age, etc), the number 19, the Black Phoenix (*looks at own avatar*)
- the "composition" of the first protagonist/Kharseth (some parts hint at a cyborg)
- unfortunate implications surrounding Talitha's name (look it up on Google)
- character relations in general
- whatever questions you have

I have a fuckton of detail in my head, you just need to give me a stimulating impulse. :p

~33'200 characters, if you're wondering
 

Retardinator

New member
Nov 2, 2009
582
0
0
I wrote a screenplay once as a part of a joke. It's mostly about an agency and a grand conspiracy and a guy passing out and finding himself in a dark basement, being given a stern talking to by agents, multiple times. The protagonist's name is Jack Brickinson, because it's always Jack in action movies and we needed a ridiculous last name.

It was all done for shits and giggles, really.
 

Charisma

New member
Oct 28, 2008
361
0
0
Marik Bentusi said:
i actually get the feeling that part of what's frustrating you about my world and shit is you have no real characters to see it through. so remind me next time and i'll do a paragraph about each of the five teenagers.

besides that, gonna just get into the thick of it, cause it's probably going to take a while to go through your comments and still get to Aitia.

Well if you have actual examples of modern music having affairs with magic then of course you'll think in those terms.

I think in terms of Metallica if James Hetfield were a badass archmage commanding enormous powers. They take themselves seriously enough (though they might have senses of humor and not be above the occasional humble moment of self-deprecation), and they have some great musical talent; their music is very rich in quality and emotion. They're described as the fathers of the genre "Wizard Metal," a genre that's sort of the modernday equivalent of Epic Metal, hard music with lyrics rife with legend and mythology.

The escapism is still around. My intention with making magic boring is to make it easy to swallow as reality. Giving it modern equivalents makes it easier for the reader's immersion. And after that status quo is set, I can then tell the story of some very glorious badass things happening that should capture the reader's imagination in ways that can't happen in, say, Wheel of Time, because the entire fantasy world is different. Readers can't fully immerse in those worlds because they don't have a strong enough sense of what it's like. But everyone knows what it's like to live in an apartment, have a job, and aspire for something you're unlikely to ever obtain.

Okay, you can disagree about "old" geniuses vs. new geniuses. You certainly have a point. I don't really have an answer for you, except to probably think I should have found a different analogy.

Magehammer impresses their crowds with magic. They are unique among musicians because they were the first to do it.

Most people think of magic as modern people think of electricity. They're not sure how it works, but they don't need to. They plug in their appliances and drive their cars and the magic works. Most people are vaguely aware that magic is bigger and more significant than just powering the devices of convenience and entertainment scattered around their homes, but besides various comic books and movies and such, there's no evidence of it being that big a deal.

Enter Magehammer, who creates totally unique spells for their live shows designed to really flex the potential glory of magic. I haven't really thought up a satisfactory set of interesting magic effects, but it can range from things like the musicians floating around the crowd on discs of crackling energy, calling lightning bolts from the sky to accent certain parts in their songs, but basically they're popular because they capture their viewers' imaginations, show them that magic can be grand, glorious, and awesome. Like the old days.

Really quick, Technomancy is not a magic language or a discipline or anything else. It's catchall modern vernacular describing "the practice of magically enchanting inanimate objects." Some people think it is an actual separate language, but it's not. Some people go crazy with the word, calling themselves "Master Technomancers" or "Technolords" or whatever, but that's not really correct or meaningful.

Cars run on magic in the sense that the Tome equivalent of spark plugs are enchanted with spells written mostly in the language of pyromancy (specifically, the electricity dialect) to create tiny electrical impulses that come into contact with the fuel, causing miniature internal explosions that drive the pistons and make the car go. There are a few other various magical processes within the otherwise internal combustion engines (my understanding of auto mechanics is limited), and most of them are pyromantic in nature, with some of the words being borrowed from geomancy, hydromancy, or aeromancy.

I can definitely see where you're coming from about people being scared of research. I hate to take the easy road with further explaining this phenomenon, but a lot of the reason for the overwhelming social stagnation can be blamed on the One God.

It's not very smart, but it's effective and simple. The One God's whole entire theme is squelching dangerous things to protect people. The fact is that magical experimentation is extremely dangerous; about a million billion things can go wrong when you're writing new spells, and many of them are permanent and crippling.

So if the One God fears what may happen if there's too much progress in a certain field, he may decide to use media sources to demonize magical experimentation. He may spend a bunch of time fearmongering, convincing bright young wizards that it's not worth the risk, and to this end he may actually engineer "accidents" to further support his own claims. The end result is that people are afraid to tinker, and with good reason.

My metaphor of conforming majority and stuff was just a little metaphor to demonstrate the way I personally saw your tech vs magic dichotomy. If that wasn't what you were going for, that's fine and awesome, but remember that art is a mirror. People ask musicians what their lyrics mean all the time, and the first thing they say is, "what do YOU think it means?"

I meant that they don't exist in the sense that they have no place. It's illogical for the gun never to have been invented, so they do "exist" in the strictest sense of the word. But those that haven't been found and disposed of are ancient artifacts, and considered extremely dangerous and unwholesome.

Once again I'm pretty sure I want the development of guns to mirror the rest of the world; stuck in the past. Revolvers are pretty much the pinnacle of firearm technology.

Historically, I want it to have been a fairly new and scary concept that there was a device which allowed anyone, with or without training, to pick it up and kill someone at high range. That way, it's a very easy transition to partially blaming the cataclysm on the gun.

Yeah this kind of thing is something I really want to try some day; the idea of sufficiently high technology looking like magic to more primitive peoples. It's not really a new or unique concept, but I can't really think of a story where it's been used as a central plot device well.

Runeblades sound pretty cool. I like that they provide some great opportunities for relevant storytelling.

You might be approaching the rape topic too timidly, depending on your intended audience of course. There's no actual rape going on, just implanted memories that never really happened. And that's a great way to believably include a bunch of angst for a character.

I envision a surreal, dreamlike sequence where Karive sort of muses in his dark, sophisticated way about how best to destroy this life. The whole sequence has no real visuals to speak of, just darkness and thought. Any dialogue is poetic, any description is vague and abstract. And his decision, implied rather than stated, very charged with metaphor and imagery, is to make her remember being raped by every male she ever knew or saw.

Cut to Talitha and the story proceeds normally, the reader being intensely aware of what's going on with her, internally, anytime her teeth tighten up when looking at a man, or anytime she freaks out about a man reaching out to her to shake her hand. When she starts getting tension headaches, the reader will know why. And they'll be very impressed by her ability to continue working.

Awesome.

I don't really have answers for most of the stuff you ask about the far distant history. It's all just very basic stuff and doesn't matter for the story except to have a backdrop with a lot of implied richness and many interesting stories happening in those times. It's certainly on my to-do list to more fully develop the history so it actually is rich in details, but there's a lot of other stuff of much higher priority.

Celestials are actually a relic from much older creative material of mine, way back when I was RPing with this girl I knew. They're just angelic beings who serve a higher power and act as moral lighthouses for most of the civilized peoples of the worlds. There are a bunch of details and histories about them, but as for my story with the One God and such, any role they play is super minor, so I don't really feel the need to flesh them out. I just mentioned them to show how their citadel was originally the core of the Tome metropolis.

I haven't spent any time integrating the Celestials into my "new" Tome, the one with Old Gods and the new One God, so I don't know whether they worshipped one of the Old Gods or maybe the Overgod or what. Once again, it's on my list but there are more important things.

80 pages into my story and I still haven't even mentioned the Celestials. The characters' home city/valley is about five hundred miles from the Citadel, so they're just kind of a vague concept.

The prophecy was completely internal on the part of the Spectacled One. She foresaw it, she decided that the rest of the pantheon shouldn't know about it, and the way she handled it was to give the reins of power over to mortals, because she knew they would survive and the Gods wouldn't.

Gods let priests channel their power because priests are their servants. Priests literally can't work any magic their patron God doesn't approve. And it's not even really the priest working the magic, it's their God. The priest just prays for it, provides the intent for the magic, and it's the God producing the effect.

A priest has a special connection to his God that allows him to directly communicate through prayer. It isn't really used to actually talk; it's just the channel through which the priest can ask for magic to be done.

Wizards aren't granted their powers by the Spectacled One. She created a system, then taught that system to wizards so they could cut out Gods completely. Short of smashing the Eight Tongues system itself, she can't regulate or control the magic wizards work.

The analogy that comes first to my mind is a garden hose. With priests, the priest controls the end of the hose and the God controls the spigot. The priest points the nozzle and asks the god to turn on the hose, and how much. With wizards, the Spectacled One created a system that allowed properly trained wizards to take full control of both the hose and the spigot. It's not a perfect analogy because a wizard won't have the degree of control or pressure over the flow of water as a God did, but hopefully it works okay.

And yeah, priests get a ton of respect for being the agents of the Gods.

It's not so much that people in the Elder Days think the gods are dead. It's more of a "they don't care about us anymore, so fuck them." Saying that the gods are dead is more of a gesture of intentional blasphemy than really believing they're dead.

The Spectacled One doesn't want priests to hate wizards and vice versa. She tries for a long time to ease relations, and her own priests are very open-minded and accepting. The problem is most priests are still servants of the other Gods, and the other Gods positively loathe the very idea of wizardry.

It's an ideological argument; the Spectacled One, her priests, and wizards all feel that magic should belong to mortals because the Gods are doomed, and the other Old Gods and their priests and followers believe this prophecy is bullshit and wizards are thieves and scoundrels.

I like the brothers idea. It will definitely be a legend spoke of in a Magehammer song.

And yeah, you're thinking in terms of gods being omniscient and omnipresent. My Gods are more in the line of Greek Gods - divine beings are more interesting when they're still flawed and human. Gods here have no more wisdom or intelligence than any intelligent being of their age and experience. A God is immortal and commands the forces of nature at will. A God can't be killed by any normal means because their knowledge of magic is such that their very soul can create a new body from stray atoms almost instantly. A God can use magic to instantly travel anywhere, to see and sense anywhere, to do anything, but it doesn't make them automatically all-knowing. But being a god doesn't make you any smarter than you would be otherwise. Being thousands of years old certainly gives the older gods a lot of wisdom and perspective, but it can also make them prideful and unconcerned, and that's what happened with the Old Pantheon.

"Least religious" means that people are actually, openly, defying the gods. Many people still trust and serve them.

I'm not sure why it's unrealistic that a hostile life is only attractive and bearable to exceptional people. Things are hard for a wizard, but the potential benefits are tremendous, so only great men and women will be able to deal with the trials.

I would actually argue that burglars are supermen, in a way. It takes guts to be a thief. It's a high risk, high reward world. How many movies and TV shows are made about dashing, quick-witted thieves? Any heist movie ever made, and plenty more have elements of sympathizing with the life of a thief. Even James Bond is a kind of thief, in that he is skilled in espionage and related skills.

It's actually a pretty good analogy, comparing wizards to thieves. After enough wizards are able to impress the people because of how exceptional they are, wizardry's popularity as a fringe community of lone-wolf badasses living outside the law (of Gods and priests) begins to grow. It becomes a kind of urban legend, similar to the Wild Wild West vigilante Clint Eastwood has been playing over and over for forty years.

I'm talking real, thinking, reasoning spiders. One of my plans is for the kids to stumble into a whole underground nest of the little bastards, but incredibly the Slyders actually try to communicate, saying they just want to live peacefully and have their society. They wish the world above wouldn't treat them with such contempt. WE CAN B FRENS ::::) <- 8-eyed smiley.

Yeah, you can take someone's essence. I haven't nailed down the mechanics of dis shit, so just try to bear with me here. One of the easiest ways to take essence is to just kill the person, so that's what the One God's afraid of. Murderers going around leaving bloodbaths and being stronger and stronger.

Essence isn't really meant to actually be spirit/ego/motivation, just a metaphor for it. There's some overlap going on where those with great spirits are sought by essence and they work together to do great things, but they're definitely different things.

I just realized I haven't yet introduced the concept of how wizards can't use magic without "godsblood," meaning wizards must possess the faintest amount of essence to have that link. It's the limitation the Spectacled One had to swallow when generating this system. Only divine beings can wield the power of the gods, with or without the language operating system, so the most important step in learning magic is to essentially gain at least a tiny spark of essence.

I know that's kind of a big detail so if you have questions about it I'll explain it further later.

Anyway, one thing that's going on is there's a recurring story about, say, a bright, motivated young would-be wizard going to magic school, learning some good, marketable magic, being given his spark, and excitedly going out into the world to seek his fortune. He gets a job at a factory enchanting toasters and making piles of money. But after a few years of working hard, coming home and watching TV, he loses his excitement and ambition, becomes apathetic and lazy, and sooner or later he actually loses his ability to cast. What's actually happened is the essence lost interest in and abandons him.

A similar story is some loser couch potato being given a gift of essence; he uses his powers to gallantly increase his quality of life and continues doing nothing special. The essence will be pretty quick to lose interest.

Yeah, it's tough for the One God to keep the secret. But he's also keenly aware of the thin line he toes every time he kills someone to prevent it getting out, so he tries hard to allow his children as much free will as he can.

And you have to understand, he's not the Christian god, he can't be everywhere at once, and he has the entirety of Tome to manage. He's also got the problem that he must manage information in such a way that no one person, even among his own priesthood, knows enough to piece everything together. So as the only being in Tome who knows the whole truth, he has to deal with a lot of things personally, in disguise or otherwise, so one group of teenagers who keeps evading his priests won't be worth his time. He might not even learn of them until much later.

And yeah, essence can be considered exp. This whole story and concept was originally a campaign I designed in DnD and thought it was a good enough story to try to translate it into a written story. I foresaw the problems of translation long ago, but I am pretty confident I can do it.

Knowing why the one god's doing something the characters feel is wrong doesn't absolve him.

And you're right about Overgod. He definitely needs to be set up earlier in the narrative.

Overgod is a scientist. He manages worlds like Petri dishes, experimenting with the "bacterial" cultures that evolve there, taking notes, musing to himself. He sees a massive cataclysm and redistribution of power as just resetting the culture because it stagnated and was no longer providing any useful information.

Sure, evolution works this way. The strong dominate the weak and become leaders.

I can tell you don't like Overgod, which is fine because I'm not that attached to him in general. This stuff is mainly just very very distant planning and has very high chances of being changed completely by the time I get there. Overgod is a slightly awkward way of doing something that has a million billion different ways of accomplishing it. Maybe the characters themselves figure out on their own all the information the Overgod could offer them. Maybe it doesn't matter if the reader learns what caused the cataclysm; maybe it doesn't need explanation at all.

Personally I think it's interesting to think of it first on the scale of being inside society, seeing the havoc and death and horror and the fear of having no more gods to protect us, and then slowly the scale draws up like a microscope being pulled away, and finally we see it from the perspective of a scientist watching a colony of ants. Overgod just represents that ultimate point of view.

But even then, it certainly could be true that there are better ways to do that.

I like that you're arguing against the characters' decision. In the other worlds and stories I've created, one of the most important goals I've had was to build up to themes that are profoundly controversial. I want people to read the last page then get up and talk about it with other nerds on the internet. I want it to be polarized as hell, some arguing one way and some arguing the other way.

Divinity can be framed in those terms of fireballs being bigger, but it's deeper than just that. Divinity is more about understanding the world and how it works. Gaining great insights into the laws of physics and being able to work them creatively and productively. There's a metaphor with the inherent "divinity" of real world science in there, but it's not central to my story.

I do want to have some elements of the DBZ kind of "power creep" that really gets 12 year olds excited. Power creeps like that are a guilty pleasure of mine, always have been, so I don't mind exploring the shallow "powering up" kind of shit. Going super saiyin, getting big hair, glowing, all that shit. So ideally my thing is a mix of very modest amounts of that, but with actual depth whenever that's not happening.

Not sure what you mean by wallbanger. Google failed me.

Yeah, divine intelligence is hard to write, so I just went with Greek gods, nigh all-powerful beings who are just as petty and flawed as people are. I think that's more interesting anyway.

Okay, the first thing you should probably do is do a quick run through of the plot (which I'm sure will eat up a ton of space but that's good and awesome). I mean, this is if you have time.

I have a pretty decent understanding of Talitha and Karive, little fuzzy on Kharseth and Lilly. And who are the Dream Warriors? Is that an organization, or a race of creatures, or what?

Sadly I can't look at half of the links (including the super cool sounding demon of a hundred eyes, sad day) because it's "mature" content and I don't have a DA account. But that's okay, I'm more interested in character and plot than drawings of flamethrower pistols and such. Also setting.

- themes like the different Ages (Golden Age, Silver Age, etc), the number 19, the Black Phoenix (*looks at own avatar*)
yes, all of the above. dis shit is intriguing. Number 19 wtf?

The only thing about Talitha's name I could find on google was that it means "little girl" in arabic - and so what? It has nothing to do with her character or anything, so savvy readers who know that or find it out will just assume you didn't mean that connection. It's a good name, so keep it.

By the way, my first instinct for pronunciation was TAL-i-tha, tal like in the word Tally, then a short i like in "in." Another valid way would be tuh-LEE-tha. Which is what you intended?

I don't want her to ever thaw or find love. The logical side of me says a character like that should never find rest, should never be allowed reprieve from her demons. Anything else would fail the test of being interesting, because every single other story would set her up as this tortured soul so that she can one day find peace in love or whatever.

It may seem cruel, but the most beautiful things often require sacrifices be made. Cruelty is beauty. She's tense enough to shatter like a porcelain vase, and while it would be emotionally cathartic to ease her pain, I think it would be far more striking and special if her only escape is death. Not that you're planning on killing her, necessarily, but that's the reality nonetheless.

You can accomplish this pretty elegantly by making the point that she's asexual and firmly rejects every romantic advance from every male, having her at least acknowledge that she might open up to literally the perfect man, a truly unique combination of 1. a man she can trust, which itself would make the guy a freaking Hercules, but also 2. a man she doesn't have to worry about, 3. a bunch of other stuff, some of which might actually look mutually exclusive, and all this is to make the point that her chances of finding such a guy are so infinitesimally minute that she's clearly better off just assuming she'll never find him.

AND THEN KHARSETH PROVES HIMSELF WORTHY! (or someone else, doesn't really matter) Slowly she starts to see him as a valid candidate for romantic catharsis.

And then the real tragedy; just as she begins to finally decide to open up, Kharseth dies, or gets married, or is otherwise suddenly placed completely out of her reach, forever.

Therefore, because she had one chance at happiness and it didn't work out (maybe she hesitated too long), she is doomed to be alone forever, and is therefore a much more interesting character overall.

I'm probably taking a lot of liberties here, spraying my tragedy-loving stench all over your story, but you were wondering whether you should let her fall in love with Kharseth, so I'm just here to say I think that would be a mistake. I personally think it would be much more beautiful if you, as the architect of their world, cruelly keep them apart and never actually let them be happy.

Finally, I'd also like to hear about Karive, his origins and what made him so fucked up in the first place. What's he get out of fucking with people? And what's his disposition; is he a sophisticated monster like Hannibal, or a hateful vicious torturer, etc etc. What's he like to deal with? What's it like to talk with him as 1. a victim, 2. an equal, 3. a superior.

Also, what IS his reason for focusing on the main characters?

Okay I am now beat and need to go to bed; had a pretty busy day.
 

Lilani

Sometimes known as CaitieLou
May 27, 2009
6,581
0
0
I have a thing about sharing my ideas that I may want published later, but I will divulge a bit. I currently have one project I've modestly (/sarcasm) named "The Thousand Facets of Iridian Maru" (her name's still a work in progress, but I like how that name rolls off the tongue). Basically it has to do with artifically created duplicates of the original world because of a self-indulgent decision by none other than Iridian Maru--a powerful sorceress who is most renowned for not doing much at all. Iridian offers a single wish to each of seven individuals to help her fix what she's done wrong, but it turns out someone's already hot on her trail to punish her for it.

An underlying conflict is that Iridian's worlds may have become independent of themselves, and she and the others have to decide whether or not they actually exist, or are nothing more than the reflections they were created to be.

I do have some other side stories laid out, but that is my basic plan for the main plot at the moment.
 

NotYetForsaken

Power in Procedure
Sep 27, 2010
1,073
0
0
Criticism is appreciated.
Forsaken



Each step carries me farther away from Sandre, my beautiful home city. The flames reach higher into the sky, lighting the dark blankets of smoke that blocked the twin stars from view in a gray haze. I wrap my black coat around me to block out the hot winds, the dizziness has begun again. Step after step on this old highway, thousands of refugees along with me, all burning with the same fever. On the right two soldiers are kicking a young boy on the ground, laughing heartily to themselves every time he coughs up blood. No one cares anymore; his parents are dead besides him, dark pools of blood streaming from their mouths, the fate that waits all of us here. Nobody knows if there is even a shelter where we are heading, this highway lined with soldiers in gas masks. Dead trees and bushes scattered about crumble farther into dust with each passing wind, turning the brown ground dark black with ash. Another person falls, coughing, that horrible hacking that surrounded us. Somewhere a baby is crying, and when I turn my head I can see the red faced woman trying to calm the new born. It?s no use, we won?t live through this.

Another explosion brings my eyes back to Sandre, another plume of fire rose as three more jets passed over. The concussion reaches us and knocks many of us over, most don?t even have the energy to get up. My hands reach into my pocket and grab my knife, the one of my fathers. The blade of dark obsidian and the family crest on it. I pull it out to look over it; the dark purple blade shines brightly even amidst the shrouded darkness. On the leather handle in brilliant platinum is a circle and an inverted C, Conflabello that is my name, or rather my families name. We, we are or perhaps used to be high nobles of the Christian church. Our family name, Conflabello, to light, in that archaic language of the holy lord. I?m feeling lightheaded, the world spins around me and I can feel myself totter from left to right. I grip the handle of the knife and steady myself; there was a glint of gold. I take a look at the hilt and inscribed in gold letters, ?Ite domum? I read. It makes no sense, no one remembers where home is, there is no where to go. Nomads, nomads have no home.



?Hey buddy, no weapons.? a guard angrily told me, waving his rifle at me.



?It?s my family?s.?



?Yeah? It looks old, and valuable. Under the Allied Regional Militia Security Pact we?re going to have to confiscate that.? He poked me in the chest with the barely of his gun. I tightened my grip on the knife.



?Hand it over sir.? he laughed; you could almost hear the arrogance in his voice underneath a layer of cruelty.

Blood sparkled in the ashen air and the soldier fell to the ground clutching his neck. Another hot gust blew through and knocked most of us down. Not me, I lunged toward the other guards, and one by one they fell, the knife was ruthless in efficiency, it killed with one stroke and in a beautiful spin the blood would slide off the smooth obsidian and fleck into the air. The refugees watched and cheered, those that could afford to. I cut through rifles and bones, I stabbed and danced, a ballet of death. But soon my dizziness returned and I stumbled, it was a small stop but it was enough for them. First I noticed blood flying into the air before me and soon the pain came. It took far too long for me to piece that it was I who had suffered the wound. The knife flew through the air, away from my hand and my body descended into the cold of doom, death. I turned around to find I couldn?t, there was a bayonet through my stomach. The world faded around me but I found solace in the soldier?s disgruntled face with blood streaming from his mouth. I had torn open his suit and he would succumb to the fate all of us would. He then fell to the ground, crushed by an onrush of refugees, all of them screaming. In my final moments a boy came to me with my knife and told me of a full scale rebellion all over the constellation. Then he asked what the knife said.


I answered with my last breath, ?Light the way home.?

And an unfinished one: Note: It has some Halo refrences because my collaberator is a huge fan.
Insurgency
Prologue

1763 held onto 9023's hand, nervous. His pod and him were getting their Training Sergeant, and they were nervous. A young ARMS cadet and an old man walked in. They were conversing in low tones until the man saw the ten toddlers standing in a group, watching him fearfully.

"You didn't tell me they were kids," said the old man, turning to the cadet.

"All clones start training as children." The cadet replied, stiffly, "These units are approximately 2 standard years old."

The old man made a sound of contempt at the word "units." Then he took a good look at them and said, "Wait, 2 years? They look older."

"They have accelerated growth until they turn 10." The old man made another sound in his throat. He turned to the cadet and said, "Dismissed."

The Cadet saluted and left. One of 1763's squadmates ventured forward towards the old man. The old man bent down in front of him and asked, "What's your name?"

"2365," replied the clone. The man frowned and said, "I don't believe kids should have numbers for names. Follow me, boys."

2365 latched onto the old man's hand and the rest of the squad followed.


Within 15 minutes of greeting each other, each clone had their names. 1763 was now known as "Ash." His squad had turned into Hunter, Kav, Brey, Zero, DD, Sev, Jazz, and Luca. A cake was also passed around by the old man, who introduced himself as Chiron.

"Chiron," Zero said, as if tasting the name.

"Your names used to be my own comrades when I was in the army." Chiron said, patting DD on the back.

"You were in the army?"

"Yes. More specifically in the Imperial Army. Now I'm retired, but an old friend of mine called me up." Chiron sighed and stretched out his legs. Sev spoke up, "How was the Imperial army like?"

Chiron's brow wrinkled, "It was nice, overall. I mean, there was tough training and all, but I couldn't die. Actually, I only got hit once in my whole time as a soldier."

"Why?" Ash asked.

"We would, let's say, wake up in a different body. This body isn't an original." The clones looked amongst themselves in wonder. Ash wiped icing off of his lips and said, "Can we go use the showers?"

"Go ahead." He waved them off and they ran inside.

After about an hour of getting ready for the evening, Chiron chucked some cushions onto the ground and threw some blankets over them. "We'll solve the sleeping quarters tomorrow. I'll kip on the sofa."

Ash climbed in with the others ready to get to sleep.


Boom! Chiron's eyes flew open as he heard the thunder strike outside. He had been dreaming about a serene field, when the world exploded. It was where he had lost his squad. He still had nightmares about it. It was also a planet with no consciousness transmitters, so they died for good. He then realized there were a pair of eyes focused on him in the dark.

"Chiron?"

"What's up?"

"I'm scared."

"The thunder?"

"Yes." Ash scurried onto the sofa next to him and buried his face into Chiron's sweater. "It's like bombs going off."

"Really?" Chiron held him and ruffled up his hair, and he thought that Ash was doing pretty well for a soldier. But tonight, he needed to be the kid he never could have been.

1 year later

"Don't worry about it boys, it's just pig guts."

"Uh, just?" Zero asked, doubtfully. The 10 of them peeked through the tunnel again. "That's a lot of pig guts."

"Well, follow me," Chiron said, crawling headfirst into the hole. Ash wrinkled his nose before following. Jazz made a gagging sound, "That's nasty."

"Augh, this is going to take forever to wash off!" Kav complained.

"Hey, it's a pig heart." Brey said, identifying a large lump of meat.

"Brey, you have a morbid curiosity," replied Hunter, who was bringing up the rear. Ash looked up and saw the barbed wire right above him. He swallowed nervously and crawled after his sergeant. Suddenly, Chiron said, "There goes my breakfast."

Squelch! The clones looked at each other before groaning at the rank smell of puke. Ash quickly crawled around the spot where it was tinged green and wretched. "Did I mention this is how most of your comrades would look like when they step on mines?" asked Brey. They groaned in reply.


Chiron pulled himself out of the wet hole and watched his trainees crawl out. Despite being only a sergeant, he had unofficially adopted the kids and had preferred to call them sons. They stood there, stinking of dead pigs and blood. DD and Cleo looked at each other and said, in unison, "That is nasty."

Then fell over laughing. Chiron smiled to himself. 6 year olds. How typical.

Brey took a large piece of meat out and said, "This is going to be all over the battlefield?"

"Umm, why yes."

"Wow!" Chiron was startled at this sudden exclamation, but shook it off. He should have known. It was the same kid who fantasized that killing insects were the way to have fun. He excused himself and walked outside. The moment the door closed, he leaned up against the door to listen.

"That has got to be the worst thing I've ever done," Kav said.

"There's gonna be the live fire simulations," replied Luca, "I hope we don't, you know, die."

"Aww, don't say that," DD said, "Did you see Chiron barf?"

"Yeah, must've been pretty disgusting for that to happen."

"Yep."

"I think he was crying a bit, too." Ash piped up. Chiron was surprised. He had cried a bit while he was crawling because he couldn't imagine the young toddlers who would one day be doing this for a living.

"Yeah, he was," Hunter agreed, "speaking of which, I wonder where he is right now."

"I hope he isn't crying his eyes out for us," Brey said, "I mean, what could get worse?"

4 years later.

"Ahh-tenn-shun!"

Ash and his fellow trainees stood to attention. Being 8 standard years old and biologically 16 years old, he and his fellow clones were 2 years away from becoming part of the ARMS Defense Marine Corps. Hunter, the clone next to him and team leader of their pod group, scuffed his boots and whispered, "I wish that old fella up there would hurry up. I'm hungry."

"Ah, me too." Ash looked down the row at the rest of the clones. Identical faces, stony, professional look, all the looks that don't belong on a 16 year old's face. Being a clone was rather depressing, but had it's advantages. They had made the accelerated growth stop at 10 standard years and extended their lifespan. He could live a full 200 standard years now, and only start looking old at about 180. Chiron died of old age at about 72. It was sad. They were dumped into a harsher sergeant's care, but it bred them to be the killing machines that they were born to be. However, clones had to be raised without much motherly care that other people enjoy, and Chiron had given them that care. But, as a soldier, there was always the risk of dying.

"1763! Get down and give me 40!" Ash jumped as he heard his pod number called and he dropped to on all fours and began to do push ups, counting in his head. After about 30, he cursed at his rash action to move during their "brief." He straightened back up after his task and stood, straight backed.

"Alright, everyone file out!" Ash was confused for a moment when the clones dispersed, but a podmate, DD, grabbed his elbow and steered him towards the gun range, where the rest of the group was. Hunter was handing out sniper rifles.

"Here, Ash. We're apparently going to be a squad of Snipers when we get out there, so, best practice on your sharpshooting." Ash took a sniper rifle and tested the weight in his arms.

"Wow, that's heavier than I thought." Hunter nodded and stepped back. He looked at the pod group and said, "Today we are doing a special ops style of sniping. Remember, one shot, one kill."

Ash filed in behind Kav and they entered the zone. The zone was a everchanging landscape that formed to each and every training session. It was supposed to replicate the unexpected terrain or land when in combat. Today, it was a pine forest. Ash pulled on his training headset and saw his podmate's names show up in green above their figures.

"Ash, Brey, Sev, head over to the cave. Me and the others will head right down this path. We need to eliminate the militia leader. He is wearing gray fatigues and a red barrette," Hunter's voice growled in his ear.

Ash nodded and waved for Brey and Sev to follow him. They silently made their way to the cave when some thing snapped a stick just ahead. They all ducked out of sight behind a log, holding their breaths. Ash peered over and saw a militiaman moving through the forest, whistling to himself. There was a muffled crack from a silencer and the militia man dropped. Ash looked to his right and saw Sev with the barrel of his gun, smoking.

"Good shot. Let's move." The trio ran into the cave. Ash ran his hand over his thick, curly hair nervously as he spoke, "Hunter, we're in position. Any orders?"

"Take position near the cliff right next to you. Proceed with caution. You're in full view."

"Copy that."

3 years later.

"DD! Talk to me!" Ash shook his comrade's body and mortars slammed down around them. Moments before, DD and Cleo were chatting in the in the wheat patties when a mortar landed between them. Cleo took the full blast and was blown apart, and DD was chucked like a ragdoll across the field. Hunter and Sev disappeared into the wheat fields and Ash could hear gunfire in the distance. DD remained dead. Ash looked at Kav and Kav gave a helpless shrug and pulled off DD's dog tag. Another mortar hit the ground nearby, shaking them up. Leaving DD's body behind was something they both couldn't do, as it didn't feel right. There was a scream in the distance. Ash and Kav ran in the direction, their guns raised. Jazz, Brey, Zero, and Luca and ran towards the sound, and they encountered Hunter, who was wounded on the ground.

"Hit in the abdomen! Get Sev!"

"Where's Sev?"

"Out there!" Hunter jerked his arm in the general direction of some gunfire that was suddenly silenced, "Watch out, there's a whole swarm out there!"

Ash nodded and they moved in. They reached a clearing where they saw Sev lying eaglespread on the ground. They ran over and, to their dismay, his biosign vanished. Sev had been killed. Ash felt the world crumbling around him. He barely saw Luca bend down and remove the dogtag, and almost did not see Jazz's head jerk and a spurt of blood spray everywhere. The group raised their rifles and scanned around. Suddenly, a large number of militia men materialized from the crops, rifles aimed at them.

"Hands up," said the one in the lead. The marines slowly dropped their rifles, and raised their arms. Only Brey remained defiant and kept his rifle lined up on the man.

"Don't be a fool, marine. You can't take us all out." Brey sighted up. A militant panicked and ran at Brey with a pistol, firing wildly. Brey jerked his gun to the right and fired one shot, killing him instantly.

"If you must. Kill them, slowly." The Militants ripped out their knives and bats and charged the marines. Ash parried a blow and swung with his knife, killing a militant that had just hammered Zero to the ground with his bat. Zero's visor was cracked and blood was running out of it. "Zero?"

No response.

Ash's blood pounded and he attacked the leader, who was fighting Brey and Luca at the same time. The leader hammered Luca down and grabbed Brey into a headlock. He grimly pulled out his pistol and fired into point blank range into Brey's spine. Ash roared and rushed him. A militant yelled, "Kabova! Watch out!"

Ash's fist collided with Kabova's cheek, ripped a huge gash into his cheek and Kabova backed up, holding his head.

Kav waved for Luca and Ash to go. His leg was broken and he was lying on the ground, but his gun was flashing away,cutting militants down like wheat. "Go! I'll keep these sons of a bitches busy!"

"Ash! We gotta get outta here! Hunter might die!" Luca yelled, gunning down two militants. The two of them turned and ran into the wheat fields, leaving Kav behind, until they found Hunter, who was barely conscious. They each grabbed a arm and dragged him as fast as they could. Bullets ripped through the wheat fields around them. A grasshopper the size of Ash's helmet nearby exploded as a bullet tore through it, throwing green goo everywhere. The sounds of combat slowly faded away and a long, drawn out scream blasted through their comlink and Kav's biosign disappeared.

Ash brought his comlink to his mouth guard and spoke into it, "Red zero, red zero, red zero. Immediate extraction required. 1 injured marine and 2 active. Injured marine down and not walking."

"Dropship 457, reporting to your position. ETA 4 minutes."

"4 minutes?! We haven't got 4 minutes!"

"Sorry, sir. This trash can't go any faster." Ash grumbled discontentedly and they dragged him into a cave, where it was more sheltered.

Luca yelled, "Incoming!"

Ash and Luca took positions on each side of the cave and fired on the oncoming militants, causing them to scatter. Luca yelled at Ash, "I'll head up the ridge and snipe 'em. Cover me!"

Luca sprinted out of the cave and disappeared. Ash held his trigger until his clip ran out, no confirmed kills. A round struck the cave wall and ricocheted and Ash felt a thumping pain on his left arm. His aim went wild and it sprayed gunfire everywhere. A militant got close and pointed a gun at Ash's face. A crack! and the militant dropped as Luca sniped him.

"Ash! Hold on! I can see the dropship!" Ash could hear it too as he gunned down more militants. There was a shattering sound of machine gunfire from the dropship and the militants in the open dropped. Ash grabbed Hunter's arm and dragged him out to the dropship. The dropship gunner waved them in and the ship took off.

"Luca, we're headed your way!"

"Hurry! There's a whole lot down here! Ah, bloody hell, I'm hit...!" The words faded to static as the militants jammed their transmissions.

"Luca?" No response.

"Luca!" They skimmed low over the trees, looking for Luca, but no sniper was in sight. Bullet streamed up at them, yellow in the afternoon sun. The dropship gunner staggered as a spray of blood flew from him and he fell off of the ship into the trees.

"Sorry, marine, we'll have to leave him. I'm taking heavy fire," the pilot's voice buzzed in the intercom. Ash didn't reply as he sank to the floor in despair. Hunter woke and patted Ash's arm weakly and said, "Don't worry. We'll be getting our revenge. Just wait."


Insurgency
Part One

"Three, two, one, mark," rasped Hunter's voice in Ash's earpiece. He promptly fired his sniper rifle, killing the militant on the left and Hunter took out the one on the right.
"Good shot. Let's keep moving." Ash got up from prone position on the rooftop and followed Hunter to the next viewpoint. The two snipers were one of the first members of a invasion from ARMS on planet Kirtana. They were to release a group of Imperial soldiers held as hostages who had stolen plans.
"Stop," commanded Hunter. Ash skidded, pebbles getting crushed under his boots in the process. After shooting Hunter a questioning look, Hunter motioned to the two towers. At almost the same exact moment, a glass window next to Ash's head cracked, showing bullet holes in it. Sniper, he thought. He dropped and sighted up on the man hiding in the tower. He held his breath and squeezed the trigger. A body tumbled out and fell.
"Hurry up! Alarms have been raised! Go go go!" Ash got up and started running along the square rooftops, leaping over gaps and scaling the walls to higher ground. Yells could be heard in all directions, and a quick look told him that people with guns, bats, and planks were swarming in on them. Ash fired some rounds at them and realized Hunter wasn't there. Ignoring this fact, he turned and continued running. He brought his left wrist to his mouthpiece and said, "Hunter, do you read me? We gotta get outta here!"
"I've noticed. I've lost them, and I can see you perfectly fine," came the reply, "Jesus, it looks like the whole community is out to get you!" Ash heard several cracks of gunfire and a chimney on his left shatter. A man with a knife lunged at him. Ash brought up his armored arm and deflected the knife while ejecting his knife out of his gauntlet. The man grabbed Ash's knife arm to stop him from stabbing him. Ash headbutted him and then kneed him in the balls. The man staggered, bent over in pain. Ash took the opportunity and stabbed the back of the man's neck, severing his spinal cord. Shaking the blood off his knife, he sheathed it and continued running. Several militants tried to intercept him. Ash heard several cracks of sniperfire and the men dropped. Ash poured speed into his sprinted and jumped through an open window. Rolling, he realized there were militants in the same room. The militants, about 7 of them, pulled out machetes and started to hack at him. Ash dodged left and right, using his knife and deflect some blows. He plunged his blade into a militant's stomach and whirled around, swinging as he went. Another militant fell, clutching his throat. Fist connected with Ash's chin and he staggered. However, due to his helmet, more pain was inflicted on the other party and he stabbed the immobilized militant. He disarmed another militant and used it to cut open another's stomach, and something that looked like spaghetti spilled out. Ash spun around, his machete clashing with another. He ejected his blade and stabbed the wielder, killing him instantly. Keeping the blade open, he merely punched another man with his blade arm, mortally wound him. Ash followed up with a right jab and then punched him again with the blade. The man fell back, screaming. The last militant, having lost his machete, tackled Ash. Ash punched him with his right hand and tried to throw him off. A arm snaked around his neck and began to strangled him. Ash jabbed his elbow into the man's ribs and felt a sick crunch as the man's ribs broke. Unfortunately, the man had a death grip so he resumed strangling him. As his vision began to fade, Ash saw a flash outside the window and heard a ziiip! The man released him as his head was blown off by a sniper round.
"Ash! Are you okay?"
"Fine as ever. Was that you?"
"Yeah. It was a tight shot. I don't think the militants know where you are now. Keep moving, I'll cover you."
"Copy that."

Jessie looked around hopelessly at the militants surrounding him and his squad. If only they hadn't taken their sidearms. He wasn't thinking about escaping from them. He was thinking about shooting himself and his squad so their consciousness could be transferred to clones. So effectively, it was another form of escape. Crack!
Jessie looked up, looking through the window hoping to see a full strength battalion of Imperial soldiers headed their way. No hope, but there was a dead militant lying on the ground. Jessie sighed and sat back down. There were only a few guards in here maybe they can take them out. One of the militants cocked his head as he heard the gunshot and he headed to the door, leaving the other two to guard. The militant closed the door after him and immediately Jessie heard a loud crunch outside. As that was happening, the Imperials jumped up and mercilessly beat the other two down. Stealing the rifles, they prepared to shoot at the remaining militant outside. The door opened and a body dropped in. It was the militant. They shot questioning looks at each other.
"Anyone home?" came a voice just outside of the door, and then a figure clad in armor appeared, wielding a sniper rifle. It was a ARMS Sniper Class Marine.
"Yes. You're here to free us?"
"Not necessarily," answered the marine, looking uncomfortable, "my exact orders were to obtain the plans and intel you had, but rescuing you is the original plan of mine."
"Well, you're not going to be able to get the intel yet. They took the rookie and he's the one with the intel," said another soldier, "he's in the second camp only 2 miles from here."
"No matter. Let's go. I brought presents for you," said the marine, tossing in a bunch of Imperial issued Plasma rifles, which clattered on the concrete floor.

Ash nodded slowly, "So that's why I saw Hector on the battlefield 3 times after swearing that I saw him get shot and die each time?"
"Yes," replied the soldier, Jessie, "We also retain our old memories, so effectively we could escape. But we didn't have a method of a quick and painless death."
Ash nodded again and spoke into his comm, "Hunter, I've rescued three Imperial soldiers, but there is still one missing. He goes by the nickname 'Rookie.'"
"Got it." Ash turned to the soldiers, "I want the three of you to get to the rally point just that way. A warthog crew would be there waiting for you."
Jessie nodded and another soldier piped up, "Good luck. You'll need it."

"Alright, marine. Put your hands up and drop that weapon." Ash whirled around and saw a group of militants walking toward him, with a young Imperial Soldier among them. His hands were behind his back and he looked like he was beat up.
"I said, drop your weapon." More militants were showing up all around him. The speaker pulled the soldier to the front and put a gun against the Rookie's head.
"Put a bullet through his head," said Ash, "I don't care. He escapes if you do."
"Yes, death can help that, but pain doesn't," came the reply. The leader promptly aimed his gun downward and shot the Rookie in the foot. The Rookie screamed in agony and the leader shot his other foot. Ash, hearing the screams of agony, dropped his weapon.
"Good. I'm glad you are cooperating. Now give me the intel."
"I don't have it."
"Liar," snarled the militant, "put a bullet through this imperial meatbag's shins."
Rookie screamed again as his shin bones broke. Suddenly, the leader jerked and there was a spurt of blood on his chest. Ash knew Hunter was watching his back all along so he dove to the ground and pulled out his sidearm. The now dead leader had dropped Rookie so he fell towards Ash. Ash promptly shot Rookie in the chest allowing him to go back to his clone. Ash reached up and grabbed a package in the dead body's belt and got up sprinting. Hunter was still keeping them busy, shooting rapidly and then firing a grenade. Ash dove through a window to get out of the way and resumed running through the streets towards the rally point. He ran into the concrete wall, and thank god, his armor held as he smashed right through it. Militants were descending upon him again. Ash turned left, attempting to lose them. More swarmed in. Ash scaled to the roofs and sprinted away, pouring speed into every step he took. Militants were right after him, shooting. Ash returned fire. A machine gun fired and all of the militants chasing him got mowed down. Ash looked down and saw a warthog speeding parallel to him. Hunter was in the passenger seat, yelling," Toss the package!"
Ash grunted as he threw the green packet at them and Hunter caught it. Ash checked the distance between him and the warthog and made a snap decision. He leapt out into open space, his arms rotating like a windmill. And to his enormous relief, his knee pads smashed against the warthog flat bed and he rolled over. Jessie scooted over and asked him, "What happened to Rookie?"
"He's back in the cloning center."
Jessie gave a nod.

The small land craft sped down the abandoned street by abandoned homes in irreprable despair.

"Where are we going?" Ash asked the driver of the vehicle.

"The starport, we got what high command sent us to get." he answered in cold indifference.

Ash flinched, "Touchy."

"No, he's a blank clone." Jessie explained, "A new breed with emotions voided."

"Yikes."

Jessie nodded again.

The warthog accelerated towards the floating city of gleaming white that hovered slowly into view.

"That's a..."

"Imperial Starport Ash." Hunter said from his perch on top of the warthog.

"Its... its... awesome, not in the way that most people use it its just... wow." Ash muttered.

And it was a sight to behold, a torus stretching perhaps twenty five miles around, lined with buildings of all shapes and sizing sitting both on and under the massive ring. Simmering blue lights raced across the buildings and ring, dancing through coridors that must have been hundreds of feet across. Giant rings twisted about the center, ships flying in and out of them docking and undocking, leaving and entering the base.

"What, what does it do?" Ash gasped.

"What doesn't it do?" Jessie laughed, "It's housing, it's our HQ, it relays all information to us on the battlefield, and it also functions as a battlestation."

"Twenty Lopore class focused sonic cannons, Ten tri-barreled siesmic gatlings, and one Purifier grade orbital siege cannon. 600k shielding, 13 million reinforced. The thing is basically one hell of a command cruiser." Hunter finished.

"Hey, wait is it suppose to do that?" Ash asked, pointing at the dots of light dispersing in all directions of the ring.

"The station is sending a distress signal," the driver grumbled, "everyone in range of the transmission are to get out of the area immediately. Orion is going down."

"Looks perfectly fine to me." Jessie said out loud.

And in an instant, a thunderous boom spread out across the plain, knocking cars up into the air and crumbling entire buildings. From nowhere came a Destroyer class battleship, hovering in high orbit. Flame and smoke poured out from giant gaps in its hull and it fell. But as it fell the craft fired up again, the engines sputtered their last roaring flame, driving the large ship into the starbase and detonating in a spectacular ball of fire. Explosions branched out from the smoking gaping hole, flipping the station nearly over before it fell to pieces.

The small group could only watch in horror as the pieces crashed into the city, turning what survived of the slums into a burning landscape of debris. The shockwave from the explosion finally hit them, tossing the three passengers toward one of the walls while the driver made a feeble attempt to steady the vehicle. But neverless it still flipped over, tossing the gunner across the road like a ragdoll, his body instantly burning in the onslaught of energy from a detonating anti-matter core.

Winking lights... Ash pushed him out of his grogginess. What the hell? He felt as if the whole world was on top of him. He struggled to get up. He sat up all the way and then white lights started popping in front of his eyes. He felt nauseous and the next thing he knew, his lights went out again.

A scream woke him up. A string of swear words and agony blasted in his ears. He quickly checked his biosigns and saw the Hunter was still alive, but the screaming was coming from him. He blinked twice at the biosign, bringing up his partner's information. A 3-D picture of a human body showed up, and to his horror, the lower left leg was glowing dark red. Adrenaline shot through his veins and he jacknifed to his feet. He pulled off his helmet and heard the real screams.
"AAAAAAAAUUUUUGH!! ASH, DAMNIT, WAKE UP!!!" Ash sprinted through a hole in the wall and found the warthog turned over on its side. Hunter's screams could be heard on the other side of the warthog. Ash ran over and vaulted over the overturned car and saw Hunter trapped under the warthog, his left leg crushed under the weight of the vehicle. Ash turned to the vehicle, and received a second shock as he realized the driver was still strapped in. The tangled body in the driver seat was almost unrecognizable. Ash unstrapped the dead body and dumped him off to the side. An Imperial soldier emerged from the rubble, his bodysuit turned gray from the dust. Ash's HUD identified him as Stravers. Ash called to him, "help me get this vehicle moving! He's stuck!"
The two of them shoved their shoulders against the vehicle and the chunk of metal quickly slid aside. Ash knelt down next to the injured leg. He turned to Stravers, "Have you found the others yet?"
"The gunner's dead. I checked. Fay is looking for Jessie." Ash nodded and pulled out a collapsible splint. He strapped Hunter's leg to it and he quickly sprayed the ripped areas with biofoam.
Hunter sighed and laid his head back, "Ah... that feels better."
More rubble crumbled away from the building and then two more dusty figures emerged. Stravers had ripped a metal bar from the warthog and was bending it into a better position for Hunter to use as a make shift crutch.
Fay looked at Hunter and said, "So, Captain, where are we headed now?"
"We should find some type of communications device on the crashed space station. We also need more first aid equipment and ammo."
"My clip is almost empty," Stravers said, "we should start moving."
Fay and Stravers helped Hunter up onto his feet. Leaning on the crutches, he took a breath and picked up the fallen driver's weapon.

"Anyone see the package though?"

"I got it," Hunter answered, holding out the green box, "you don't want to know where I found this."

The small group made their way through the apocalyptic landscape of fire and destruction. The already dilapidated brick and mortar buildings were reduced to heaps of rubble with the odd arm or leg poking out from underneath. Here and there were escaped pods, either torn open by debris or the initial shockwave. Either way, imperial bodies, of both logistics personnel, and soldiers littered the area next to them, The stench of the flesh was nigh imbearable, and when he saw a small body bisected through the waist be a steel rod, Ash stopped and puked.

"Are you alright?" Hunter asked, limping past Ash who was bent over.

"Just, just a bit nauseous." Ash replied, straightning up. He took another look at the small child with eyes permanently glassed over in horror and his stomach lurched.

A firm hand clamped down on Ash's shoulder. He spun aorund to find Stravers with his helmet folded back into his suit. His eyes held a soft glow that stood out from his rugged scars and high cheekbones.

"I know how you feel." Stravers sighed, taking a long look at the child. Ash nodded in response. "Neverless, we have to keep moving, it's getting dark."

Ash looked up at the sky of billowing smoke, and indeed, the faint orb of light that hung over the ruins was almost gone, and with no moon, at night this place would be blanced in absolute darkness.

"Hey, hey, hey GUYS!" Fay shouted at the two.

"What is it!?" Stravers replied, heading up the mountain of rubble to where Fay was perched.

"One of the pods survived Stravers! Survivers!" he shrieked in excitement.

"Well I'll be." Jessie chuckled in happiness.

Over the mountain of rubble in the distance shone a unmistakable bright fluctuating purple light, it was a mobile ray shield. And above that was a holographic 3-D rotating image of a six armed spiral. The four were quiet, but the happiness was unmistakeable, and it clung to the air like the soot drifting slowly down in the heated winds.

"What's going on up there?" Hunter asked, limping around the base of the rubble.

"Survivors!" Ash exclaimed, jumping down the pile to Hunter, "only about a kilometer away!"

"That's great." Hunter smiled, "Now get me over that hill."

Darkness descended on the ruins when they finally did reach the shield, and it was alot larger that it had looked at first glance. The camp was comprised of five buildings, a power generator, a shield projector, two living quarters and a mess/meeting hall. All off this was stuffed within the two hundred meters squared the ray shield covered, and quite obviously the entire construction was done by nanites our of the nearby debris, as most of the surrounding area remained suprisingly barren. At first, no one noticed the group of five standing outside the shield, that is until Stravers unloaded the last of his clip into the shield and alerted one of the guards who lowered the wall of hot plasma and let the group in.

They were given quarters to each their own and Hunter was taken into the mess hall, which was changed into a temperary infirmary filled with wounded Imperials.


The next morning the Imperial seargent woke them up abruptly.
"All right, sissies! Up and at 'em! We need to find a way off this planet and warming the ground with your asses ain't gonna get you anywhere!"

Ash grumbled while reluctantly pulling himself out of the metal cot. He took a deep breath and stood up, his body ached all over. The Imperial cot wasn't very comfortable to say the least, but it was better than having to sleep in the debris field outside. Ash put on his armor and move swiftly outside the small hut. The small group of survivors were already gathering in the mess hall mumbling about the past days events. Ash entered the rectangular building to find most of the area packed with stretchers, most of which were full with injured soldiers. There were about 4 medics clad in white and pink uniforms rushing around to tend to the sick. The able bodied soldiers were gathered in the far right corner around a small table and a raised platform. Ash headed over, carefully avoiding the injured men lying about the ground, some awake, others in artificially induced unconciousness. Ash shook his head and asked a bypasssing nurse.

"Why don't you just kill them so they get back to their clones?"

"Wish we could, we're out of range of the subspace nodes used for that purpose. All death here is permanent." the nurse replied before hurrying off.


Ash sighed and continued toward the table before finding a seat next to Jessie who handed him a prepackaged plastic plate with colored mush distributed in various dividers.

"What is this?" Ash asked.

"Breakfest." Jessie responded, scooping another spoonfull of orange colored mush into his mouth.

"Yes, but what exactly is it?"

"Synthesized nutrients, your pack just happens to be meatloaf and mashed potatoes with peach cobbler for dessert. Its nowhere near as good as real food but the cobbler is close."

Ash ripped off the translucent cover and detatched a plastic spoon off the side before lifting a piece of white mush to his mouth. He grimaced at the smell but put it in his mouth, where he then gagged.

The row burst into laughter at Ash's uncontrolled coughing.

"Shit man," Ash complained after spitting it back into the plate, "it tastes like cardboard soaked in vinegar and sugar."

Jessie gave another chuckle before giving him an "I told you so" and slapping him on the back.

Ash prodded the mush again before trying the orange mush in the top right of the plate, supposable Peach Cobbler. He suck his tongue out tentatively to taste it before putting it in his mouth, chewing and swallowing.

"How's that." Jessie asked.

"Consumable."

"All right, cut the chatter," said a soldier climbing on to the raised platform, "same as yesterday men, spread out in groups of three and gather whatever looks useful, bring back any Imperial or ARMS affiliated personnel who are alive. Report back to base before dusk, that's when the shield is going back up."

"Yes sir, Seargent Emmet, sir!" answered the twenty Imperials seated at the table.

"Allright, you are free to go after breakfest, take whatever you want from the armory, each team needs to carry at least five spoke bombs and a fusion welder. Scout probes are optional since they are very limited in supply." Emmet finished before exiting the mess hall.

Ash pushed himself away from the table and handed his barely eaten tray to another Imperial who had just walked in.

"Hey, Ash, feel free to come with us," Jessie said, indicating to himself, Stravers, and Fay. Ash nodded in acknowledgment and went to the armory. Inside was a large assortment of guns and grenades. Smiling to himself, he picked up a sniper rifle, dual plasma pistols, several spoke grenades, and a M-28 Submachine gun. He was admiring the new sniper rifle when another Imperial walked in, evidently ready to go out on patrol.

"Man, this thing is a beauty," Ash said, looking through the scope.

"Yeah. Might need some calibration. These things went through some tough stuff on the way down." The soldier picked up a rifle, several grenades, and a sidearm.

Ash walked outside of the armory, twiddling some of the knobs and checking in every now and then.

"Hey, you chose the 108mm sniper rifle. It's a beast, reduced kick, high impact and armor piercing. Tank armor doesn't stand a chance," Stravers said as Ash pulled up next to their squad.

"Well, I am the sniper."

"Alright boys, cut the chatter," Jessie said, "Today we are known as Tango Squad. Ash, you will replace Rookie and be referred as Tango four, got that?"

"Copy that, sir." Ash strapped the sniper rifle to his back and picked up his M-28. Jessie brought up a map of the area with his holopad, "Today we are going to search through this area right here"-- a series of crumbled buildings lit up red--"to look for anyone we know. However, if it's not wearing a black body suit or a meat shell or civie or personnel clothes, slot it."

Ash dismissed the common phrase "meat shell" as it was commonly used by the Imperial soldiers to tease the highly protective but bulky armor that the ARMS marines wore.

"Tango two, stick with four, three, come with me." A chorus of 'copy that' echoed in Ash's comm and they moved out. Stravers, who was Tango 2, was slightly ahead of him, scanning his rifle left and right. Ash covered his back, checking each crevice twice before moving on. They turned a corner and ran into a solid wall of debris. After a fruitless search for an alternative route, Stravers threw a spoke grenade near the foot of the wall and with a muffled whoomp, a path was cleared supported by a web of silver strands resembling a 21st century sculpture.

Stravers moved forward into the shadowy depths of the building with Ash close on his heels. A few rays of sunlight filtered through the mish mash of overhead debris to light up the dusty air. Stravers suddenly stopped.

"Check biosignitures, I'm picking up a fair bit of heat in this general area."

Ash flipped on the scanner in his helmet and the area turned green, "Nope, not a living thing in this area."

Stravers lowered his gun and headed deeper into the building.


As Ash entered the room behind Stravers he saw what would have cuased the heat. An escape pod had crashed through the cieling and lodged itself overhead, and a large tear in the outer armor was dripping nanites onto the stone below, and a lot of them. Quite literally the floor was covered in a black sheet of movement. Ash stepped back in shock.

Stravers however kneeled and shoved his right hand into the black mass, allowing the machines to crawl over his body suit and onto his body.

"They, they're afraid..." Stravers muttered.

"What's that?" Ash asked.

"Something came here before us. I don't know what," Stravers replied, "they say beings of great power."

"Well, let's check inside." Ash stepped into the sea of nanites and sank right up to his knees. He waded towards the pod and curled his fingers into the tear, ripping the pod open. More nanites gushed out all over him. As soon as the stream stopped, the sea of nanites around him shrank away, leaving him standing in a patch of floor. Ash thought wildly about Moses and the Red Sea for a moment before peering inside. He felt his stomach lurch as he smelled dead bodies. He flicked on night vision and saw twisted and mangled bodies stretched out. A steady red drip came from the ceiling. Ash looked up and quickly pulled away, tearing his helmet off in the process. He bent over, his hands on his knees as Stravers walked by him to peer in. As he did so, Ash's dismal breakfast came up and out. "Ugh, that actually tasted better on the way out," he gasped out.

"You get used to it," said Stravers, absentmindedly, "and that was just nasty."

Ash readied himself for a second glance and peered in with Stravers. There was human skin stretched out on top of the pod as if it was drying out. The owner's face was still contorted in a scream, and it's skeleton was laying in a heap on the floor. The organs were glistening sickly in the dim light. Stravers quickly disappeared and Ash heard a splashing sound as another upset stomach was emptied. Ash turned to him and pulled his helmet back on. Stravers took deep breaths before wiping his mouth on the back of his sleeves. "All right, let's go."

Finally, dusk arrived. No survivors were found. Instead, there were more than millions of distressed nanites found, often swarming about the pods. Ash and several Imperials held a small meeting about this.
"So, what did the nanites say about these, 'beings?'" asked Emmet.

"They were afraid of this area," said an Imperial, whom Fay addressed as Luther, as he pointed at a series of collapsed buildings. These looked more destroyed from what seemed like erratic landing. "Curiously, there aren't any nanites found in this area. The people found in those pods had vanished, though a message written in blood was on the window."

"What was the message?"

"Remember the Pheonix." Ash got a chill. The other Imperials cast terrified looks to each other.

"That virus couldn't have possibly come here, could it?" Ash asked, "I mean, no one in the galaxy has ever seen a virus like that infect anyone, so we don't know what the scene would look like."

"Everyone except Lieutenant General Peter Jackson," Luther corrected, "even so, there's no way we can get him over here. He's probably taking out some more biohazard somewhere else. Like the numert threat."

"We just need more time to talk with the nanites. That's one of the only ways to find out," Emmet said, "In the meantime, instruct all soldiers and personnel to stay out of the area until further notice."

"Yes, sir," chorused the men around the table.

"Meeting adjourned." Emmet declared before leaving the mess hall.

The Imperials left the hall in small groups, all discussing the cryptic message. Ash followed one particular group, one with a logistics officer.

"You know, I worked with the nanites on the Genisis project and I tell you. Nothing scares nanites like what did here." Ash overheard the officer saying.

"Yeah and what's up with the Pheonix, I thought it and all informaiton regarding it was lost to the winds. No more than a tall tale." one beside him asked.

"Oh I assure you, the Pheonix was, is very real. The crew's last action was to enter warp without coordinates. It tossed the ship into another galaxy before the tracking beacon finally fell silent."

Ash strode up to them. The Imperials looked at him and the officer said, "You're in ARMS. Why don't you tell us what happened on the Pheonix?"

Ash sighed and said, "The Pheonix landed on Veranda only to find that the planet was devoid of human life. The colony placed there had vanished without a trace. Marines sent onto the surface were attacked by zombie-like creatures."

"And they got aboard the Pheonix?"

"Yes. A Corporal was bitten before pulling out. He infected the rest of the crew. The only survivor was Peter Jackson, a Private at the time."

"He slugged it out in that ship?"

"Yeah. Wasted tons of ammo there. The bullets did nothing to them. He used a mechanic's blowtorch and a plasma trench gun. Jumped ship before sending it off to warp."

"A blowtorch?" The Imperial tripped and caught himself, incredulity written all over his face.

"Yeah. Oh yeah, shot guns work, too. Rip off body parts at point blank range. Of course you aim for the torso and head."

"Wow. He's got guts." Ash and the Imperials fell silent for a moment, lost in their own thoughts.

Finally one of the Imperials piped up, "Is there anyway that he might have been immune to the pheonix virus?"

Ash thought about the possibilities, then said, "He might. He wasn't bitten at all, as he used a blowtorch to keep them away. He could be lucky, or he might just be pure immune."

Clap clap, "Alright boys, enough chit-chat! We have a long day tomorrow and each and every one of you should get a good night's sleep before the sun comes out!" Yelled Emmet, clapping his hands to get their attention. Ash grumbled and walked off towards his cot, unstrapping his armor as he did so. He lay down on his cot and drew up his covers. In the silence, a young Imperial on the other side of the tent voiced out what every single man in the tent was thinking about: "What does the Pheonix have to do with this?"

After a rather sleepless night for everyone, the survivors woke up into a very dark fog. Night guards were turning in, bags under their eyes and moving clumsily, often missing their mouths with their spoon at breakfast. Ash rubbed his eyes in a desperate attempt to wake up fully. Even Stravers wasn't his buoyant, happy self. Jessie plopped down next to Ash and failing to stifle a yawn, "N-n-never should have talked about the Pheonix before bed, eh?"

"Yep. Now I know how it feels to be a zombie."

"Well, better off than those guys," Luther said, sliding in across from Ash while jerking his thumb at the now departing Night Guards. Emmet was still his back-straight, statue-faced soldier at the front of the cafeteria, munching on a ration bar.

"Here, Sergeant!" said a Imperial, handing a datapad to Jessie. Jessie scanned it over and said, "Lookie here, we have guard duty today at the shield perimeter. Don't have to go outside. And we have a short 15 minute down-time at 13:00."

"Great. I'm going to see Hunter now." Ash pushed away from the table and was surprised that his tray was empty. Thinking about eating something spicy to wake his taste buds up, he walked out of the mess hall and strode over to the hospital tent. Many of the injured Imperials were now sitting up and eating, while some were walking to test their locomotion skills. Three, however, were still immobile. Ash walked over and found Hunter sitting down, reading from his datapad. The other two were heavily bandaged and not moving.

"How's it going?" Hunter looked up and Ash realized that Hunter's left eye was milky white; he was blind.

"Bad. I lost too much blood the first day and fell unconscious. After a unfortunate turn of events, I lost vision in my left eye. The medics have no idea what's going on, because my leg ain't healing at the usual speed, either." Hunter pulled the sheets back and showed him his leg in a splint. "Might even have to amputate it and get a prosthetic leg."

A medic bustled over and checked on the bandages. She looked over and said, "I'm gonna change his bandages, okay?"

Ash nodded and Hunter suddenly grinned. He said, "If you see my leg and your stomach hates the sight, put your helmet on and keep it to yourself."

"Ha ha, funny." The medic unwrapped the bandages and yelled, scrambling backwards. Ash dashed forward and was horrified to see that the leg was coated in large, black insect like creatures. On closer inspection, they appeared to be large nanites.

"Shoo! Shoo!" Hunter frantically swiped at them causing them to scatter and disappear. Finally, they could see that the leg had large, black veins just under the skin around the wound and the leg was just mangled flesh and bones.

Ash turned around and barfed into a basin nearby. Despite the attempted humor earlier, Hunter wasn't smiling at Ash's reaction. Instead, he was staring in horror at his twisted leg. The medic let out a shaky breath and said, "looks like we're going to have to amputate it."

The medic hesitantly prodded the leg asking if Hunter felt anything.

Hunter shook his head.

The medic shook slightly before calling over another with a fusion torch. She bent down and began to cut at his leg, slowly working the heated blade through the blackened part of the leg. In a few seconds, the process was over and Hunter stared at the detatched leg, oozing what seemed like motor oil from the veins. It was black and sticky, oozing in strands at the wound. And then it jumped.

The puddle leaped through the air and reattached itself to Hunters stub, quickly sewing it together. In less time than it took to amputate it, the leg was back on looking as if it had never been so much as touched.

"That's new." was all Hunter could say as he watched in bewilderment.

The medics stared, unsure what to do. Then one finally said, "Marine, you'd better get on with your duties. I'm afraid we'll also have to move the other patients to another area. This is going to get messy."

Ash nodded and walked out, his heart heavy. He walked over to the perimeter where Tango squad was waiting. Fay turned to him as he approached, "So, how's the Captain?"

"Not good. The medics have no idea what is going on in his body. They just amputated his leg and black fluids from the wound reattached the leg."

Fay looked sickened, "That's nasty."

Ash shrugged and he and Fay turned back to the shields. The purple pink glow shaded everything beyond the shield, giving the rubble a rather comical look. Nothing exciting happened while they were there. They passed the time playing Ispy, a usual game that marines played in secure private comm channels when marching or hours of complete boredom.

Finally, around 16:30, something exciting finally happened.

"I spy with my little eye... something pin--" Fay began to say for the umpteenth time.

"Shield," interrupted Ash for the umpteenth time. Ash scanned the landscape worth spying for when something caught his eye. There was movement out there.

"Hey, did you guys see that?" Ash asked Fay.

"See what?"

"It was like this flash of blue light and then movement or something." Ash grumbled.

At 16:43, a Imperial soldier stumbled out of the rubble, bleeding from several cuts on his face. "Open the shield! Open the shield!"

Jessie pushed the switch forward, turning the shield down. The soldier stumbled in and fell. Jessie quickly pulled the switch back. Ash, Fay, and Stravers sprinted to the immobile soldier. Ash reached him first and turned him over, and was shocked to see a familiar face: Luther. Luther's eyes were bright and insane looking. Instead of greeting his allies like friends, he attempted to strangle Ash. Fay and Stravers pinned his arms to the ground and Luther began to attack them as well. Ash loaded a tranquilizer dart into his rifle and fired several rounds into Luther, just enough so that he couldn't move. Luther stopped struggling and fell back, breathing heavily. Ash grabbed him by the shoulders and yelled into his face, "Luther! Are you okay? Speak to me!"

Luther's eyes showed no recognition. He suddenly jerked and screamed, "EVERYWHERE! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! SPAWNS OF DEVIL ARE HERE!"

"Luther?" Stravers said, weakly. "Where is your partner?"

"THERE! THERE!!" Luther screamed in a frantic voice. He was pointing at Jessie, who was next to the perimeter, scanning for any assailants. Ash checked Luther's eyes again and saw that they were unfocused. He wasn't looking at Jessie. "THEY SWALLOWED HIM! I THOUGHT THEY WERE FRIENDS!"

"What is going on out there?" came a yell. A squad of Imperials were moving toward them.

"I dunno. Luther's going crazy. I think he's... insane." The Imperials took one look at Luther and then roughly grabbed him. Ash watched them drag Luther, who was still spitting out cryptic messages, to the medical tent. Sounds of blaster fire reached their ears and they spun around. Jessie was shooting at something just beyond their field of vision. The group sprinted to their Sergeant's side in time to see him put a perfectly aimed plasma bolt through a Imperial soldier's head.

"Why'd you shoot him for, Sarge?" Fay said, looking at the dead body.

"He was walkin' funny. And my HUD told me he was a Nayo, but the nanites were, well, green."

"A corrupted Nayo? What here can possibly corrupt a nanite?"

"I dunno." Ash looked between the two before asking, "Am I missing something here? What the hell is a Nayo?"

Jessie looked at him, "N.A.O. means Nanite Augmented Organism. Nayo is just another way of saying it."

"Healthy ones grow blue, defected or oddballs glow green, and this fella over here has a lot of greens," Stravers put in.

Ash nodded. He sighted up on his sniper rifle and saw green specks fleeing the current vicinity through his scope. "Yep, that's a lot of them."




Emmet strode over to the shield. "Alright boys. In an attempt to get to the bottom of this, I want a investigation crew to move out and search the quarantined area. You four are going to join in."




Ash gulped, pleased that the Sergeant couldn't look through visors. Emmet looked at them and yelled, "Is that clear?"




"Sir, yes sir!"










Ash's breathing quickly returned to normal. The ceiling of debris had almost collapsed on him and his squad. Ash turned back to the squad and said, "that was WAY to close. Let's try not to do that again."




"Agreed." Jessie made several hand motions, indicating that the squad split up to it's original teams. Once again, Stravers and Ash ran one way while the other two ran the other. Ash poked and prodded some of the debris piles nearby. Stravers had wandered into a dessicated skyscraper. The internal skeleton of the building was still standing, rods falling away every now and then and then stabbing into the ground with a dangerous ring. Ash jumped across some debris piles toward him, "Hey, Stravers! I don't think anyone's here! Let's head on back!"

Stravers nodded and started walking toward him. Suddenly, with a loud screech, the top of the skyscraper ripped away and fell. Supports and internal skeleton pieces fell from the sky. Ash saw Stravers disappear into the dust cloud. Ash sprinted towards the collapsed building yelling at the top of his lungs. He skidded to a halt as a sliver of metal stabbed the ground between him and dust cloud. He looked up and noticed shredded metal was falling down. As he did so, he heard a piteous, thin scream of agony in the cloud. Ash snapped back into action and sprinted into the cloud, completely ignoring the fact that he could be speared at any given moment. He ran left and right, looking for his partner, until he finally found him. Ash dropped to his knees as he saw his comrade on the ground, dead, with a long, shredded piece of metal impaled through his abdomen. The other end was stuck in the ground, giving Ash the impression of a insect speared on a needle in the museums. His face was still contorted in pain and blood was still dribbling out of his mouth. However, the rest of him was limp, his blank eyes staring at nothing. Ash reached over and slid the man's eyelids closed and ripped the metal out of Stravers. He reached down, took the ID tag and his helmet for a memory to take back to the squad.




Ash turned away from the body, pulling his spade out to dig a small grave for Stravers. Suddenly, rubble could be heard shifting, right behind him. He whipped around, his sidearm raised. Stravers's body was standing up, his head lolling eerily. Ash looked down and saw hundreds of blue nanites swarming up and down his body. His eyes glowed eirily and his mouth dropped open, letting loose a deathly rattle. Slowly blue lines spread around his body, as if drawn by an invisable hand. Each line was straight, intersecting perpendicular with another line all leading up to a perfect circle of glowing blue on his forehead.

He opened and closed his mouth again and stepped forward, arms outstretched, his hands grasping the air as if something only he could see was there. Ash recoiled in horror.

"What? What are you!?" he yelled, throwing away the side arm and lifted up his sniper rifle at Stravers.

"No wait, don't shoot." he rasped in a dry voice, liked someone who had not drunk a fluid in years.

"Huh, wha-"

"Please just listen."

"Who are you!?" Ash demanded, tightening his grip on the rifle, "Tell me now!"

"Stravers Ash, It's Stravers." he said, holding his arms up in a sort of surrender. His eyes rolled back down, showing an iris that glowed of such intensity that it swallowed the rest of the eye, some of the light even pouring out.

Ash looked down and up, scanning the body with his headset, the wound was gone. A diagram materialised on the H.U.D. in text it showed: Class 20 N.A.O., Class 15 Psionic Waveform, Threat Level: Unrecorded, Action: Unknown

Stravers took a step forward, and when his foot touched the ground, the same mechanical blue lines streaked across the dusty concrete the same way it had drawn itself over his body.

"St-stay back!" Ash roared, firing a barrage of round into Stravers, who stood unfazed.

The bullets had not even hit him, they hovered in the air aorund him slowly revolving around his head.

Ash was breathing heavily and erratically, stepping back until he hit the debris behind him. "WHAT ARE YOU!?"

He opened his mouth and spoke again, this time in a strong melodeous voice that boomed and echoed in the enclosed area, "We have revived him. This Stravers as you call him." Stravers body lifted off for a minute hovering in the air before landing again, "We have unlocked and modified parts of his brain and body to match those of the greatest psychics and heroes in history. In return, he must house us." The last word resonated deeply in the debris field, shaking dust from the ceiling.

"Who are you!"

"A collection of nanites, it is so very rare for us to be able to manifest, and when we do it is very difficult for us to be compatible to a organic."

"Your- You! Nanites are not suppose to be able to do this! They aren't sentient!" Ash gasped, eyes widening even further as Stravers, the nanites shot out a brief flash of energy, setting the entire building a bright dazzling blue.

A chittering roared from the walls so loud that it was unbearable. And in a bright flash, so powerful that Ash had to close his eyes even behind the UV shielding of his visor.

Moments later when he opened them, the building was reconstructed, sparkling as if new. The debris was gone and bright lights hanging from the newly contructed roof illuminated the lobby of the apartment complex. Ash gasped, the air was pure, free of the choking dust that happened to be there moments ago.

"Stravers!?" he called out, seeing a body lying on the floor of the building in a heap. Ash bent over and picked him up.

"Damnit, what happened." Stravers managed to mutter before falling back into deep unconciousness.

"Tango 2, Tango 4, come in! What the fuck is happening back there!" Jessie's voice tore suddenly into Ash's headset.

"Tango 1 here, you'd never guess what'd just happened." Ash answered in a hushed whisper.

"Got anything to do with the entire district turning blue and recontructing itself?"

"Yeah..."

"We're heading to your location, sit tight!"


"Tango 4, are you okay?"

Ash jolted awake, partially because he had dozed off waiting for them, and he was slightly jumpy after his encounter with the... well, zombie, to simply put it. Jessie was standing over him, while Fay had pulled out his med kit and was scanning Stravers over.




"Ugh... I feel sick," Stravers mumbled. He turned over and spit a black, gooey substance from his mouth and coughed. Ash helped him up and the squad looked at their new surroundings. Ash looked at him and saw him literally light up blue in his HUD.




"That's a lot of nanites," he commented, "Nice, bright target for our enemies if they can pick up nanite signatures."




"Aww shut up," Fay replied, "He's had enough today. Let's head back."




Jessie motioned for them to follow him. Stravers picked up his rifle, steadied himself, and nodded to the rest of them, indicating he was okay. Ash sighted up on his sniper rifle and sprinted down the newly constructed streets of Ennex. Jessie and Stravers were outlined blue, while Fay's position, who was behind Ash, was marked with a blue arrow on the side of Ash's visor along with his designated squad number, T-3. The HUD was a lot similar to the Imperials because the AI installed was made by the same company. While this AI doesn't talk, it does everything else a soldier needs.




"Tango 3, 4, take point." Ash saw the bright green marker placed on the ground by Jessie on his HUD. Ash didn't know what had made Jessie nervous, but he sprinted to the green marker. Fay crouched behind a working fountain just ahead of Ash. Jessie and Stravers took position by the building where Ash and Fay were scanning around.




"All clear," Fay growled. "Wait. I'm picking up something."




Ash's HUD detected the same thing. A figure moving weirdly was stumbling towards them. It was behind some buildings so it was just the outline.
 

binvjoh

New member
Sep 27, 2010
1,464
0
0
Not many, none that I really remember.

In all my concepts for games the main character is driven by player choice and I never really seem to get as far as to "create" any NPCs.
 

NotYetForsaken

Power in Procedure
Sep 27, 2010
1,073
0
0
I have to break it up or it wont show -.-

it is so very rare for us to be able to manifest, and when we do it is very difficult for us to be compatible to a organic."

"Your- You! Nanites are not suppose to be able to do this! They aren't sentient!" Ash gasped, eyes widening even further as Stravers, the nanites shot out a brief flash of energy, setting the entire building a bright dazzling blue.

A chittering roared from the walls so loud that it was unbearable. And in a bright flash, so powerful that Ash had to close his eyes even behind the UV shielding of his visor.

Moments later when he opened them, the building was reconstructed, sparkling as if new. The debris was gone and bright lights hanging from the newly contructed roof illuminated the lobby of the apartment complex. Ash gasped, the air was pure, free of the choking dust that happened to be there moments ago.

"Stravers!?" he called out, seeing a body lying on the floor of the building in a heap. Ash bent over and picked him up.

"Damnit, what happened." Stravers managed to mutter before falling back into deep unconciousness.

"Tango 2, Tango 4, come in! What the fuck is happening back there!" Jessie's voice tore suddenly into Ash's headset.

"Tango 1 here, you'd never guess what'd just happened." Ash answered in a hushed whisper.

"Got anything to do with the entire district turning blue and recontructing itself?"

"Yeah..."

"We're heading to your location, sit tight!"


"Tango 4, are you okay?"

Ash jolted awake, partially because he had dozed off waiting for them, and he was slightly jumpy after his encounter with the... well, zombie, to simply put it. Jessie was standing over him, while Fay had pulled out his med kit and was scanning Stravers over.




"Ugh... I feel sick," Stravers mumbled. He turned over and spit a black, gooey substance from his mouth and coughed. Ash helped him up and the squad looked at their new surroundings. Ash looked at him and saw him literally light up blue in his HUD.




"That's a lot of nanites," he commented, "Nice, bright target for our enemies if they can pick up nanite signatures."




"Aww shut up," Fay replied, "He's had enough today. Let's head back."




Jessie motioned for them to follow him. Stravers picked up his rifle, steadied himself, and nodded to the rest of them, indicating he was okay. Ash sighted up on his sniper rifle and sprinted down the newly constructed streets of Ennex. Jessie and Stravers were outlined blue, while Fay's position, who was behind Ash, was marked with a blue arrow on the side of Ash's visor along with his designated squad number, T-3. The HUD was a lot similar to the Imperials because the AI installed was made by the same company. While this AI doesn't talk, it does everything else a soldier needs.




"Tango 3, 4, take point." Ash saw the bright green marker placed on the ground by Jessie on his HUD. Ash didn't know what had made Jessie nervous, but he sprinted to the green marker. Fay crouched behind a working fountain just ahead of Ash. Jessie and Stravers took position by the building where Ash and Fay were scanning around.




"All clear," Fay growled. "Wait. I'm picking up something."




Ash's HUD detected the same thing. A figure moving weirdly was stumbling towards them. It was behind some buildings so it was just the outline.




"What is that?" The figure suddenly came into view, glittering green under the nanite scan. "Hostile Nayo, incoming!"




From what Ash could see, it was a Imperial soldier. The man was standing very much like an ape, but his face was blank and pale, his eyes glowing yellow like headlights.




"Open fire!" Ash pumped sniper rounds in the Nayo's direction, taking off chunks of the soldier. Fay was pouring clip after clip into the Nayo. Jessie and Stravers popped out of their hiding spots and fired on the oncoming Nayo. The Nayo ran at them with supernatural speed, ape-like. The mouth opened so wide that the jaw had to be dislocated. Jessie ducked out of sight, reloading. As the Nayo drew nearer, Jessie leaped out with his combat knife brandished and he stabbed the Nayo behind the neck right down to the hilt. The Nayo shrieked and threw Jessie off into a building. Ash threw aside his sniper rifle and pulled out his M-28, pouring gunfire into the Nayo at point blank range. Stravers grabbed the knife that was still stuck in the Nayo and pulled it out, and repeatedly stabbed it. Fay switched his grip on his rifle to the barrel and whacked the Nayo across the face with the butt end. Finally, the Nayo stopped struggling and went still. Jessie emerged from the rubble, holding his head. Stravers turned to Jessie and handed his knife back, "Sarge, you all right?"




"Feeling a little loopy. And a little nauseous." Ash held his comlink up his mouth piece and said, "Emmet, do you read me?"




"There you are! We lost contact with all squads outside of the shield!"




"Where's your Sergeant? He hasn't replied to any messages we sent him." Ash looked at Jessie, who was sitting there looking a little punch drunk. His com was cracked on his wrist.




"His comlink is critically damaged. Sorry, sir."




"Get your butts back over here! Hostile Nayos have been sighted everywhere!"




Ash nodded and the squad ran on. Jessie began to lag behind, limping.




"C'mon, Sarge, we don't have all day." Stravers said, who, for someone that was possessed and stabbed only 10 minutes earlier, was looking rather healthy.




"I'm feeling tired. Don wanna..." the Sergeant drifted off and fell forward with a crash. Tango squad yelped in horror and ran towards their Sergeant. Ash pulled Jessie's helmet off and pulled up each eyelid. Both eyes were unfocused and dilated. Ash turned his headlamp on and directed them at each eye. The eyes didn't respond. "Something's wrong with the Sarge's brain."




Fay began to slap Jessie on the cheek. "Wake up, you moron! Wake up!"




Stravers covered them, aiming his rifle left and right. Jessie woke up, but his eyelids barely moved. "Are...jess...runk..."




Fay looked positively panicked and yelled, "Keep him talking!"




Ash quickly pinched him, getting various results. "Youch...stopth..."




Fay began to pull on Jessie's fingers, and prodding him in various areas, saying, "Can you feel that, Sarge?"




Jessie slumped over, unconscious. Fay let out a shaky breath and said, "Sarge is in a coma. We're in deep trouble now."







Emmet paced back and forth, waiting on the only squad left out there to return. His squadmates, lined up against the tent wall, looked on apprehensively. A medic stepped into the tent, looking grim, "Sergeant, you'd better see this."




Emmet sighed and followed the medic to the isolation ward. Two other medics were standing outside, looking terrified while a third dressed her bloody arm. Emmet looked through the glass and saw an eyeball staring back at him. He yelped and backed up. The door suddenly sprouted a pair of dents.




"Who is this?" The medic looked at Emmet, looking nervous, then said, "Sir, it's the Captain. You know, Hunter."

"What the hell!?" Emmet gasped at the blob of pulsating black that swirled around on the floor, morphing into somewhat irregular shapes before popping out into what resembled a snake with arms. Green lines ran across his body, intersecting in strange ways not dissimilar to that of a computer chip. "What happened to him!"

"He's turned into a class thirteen N.A.O." a medic responded rigidly.

"Class thirteen? What the hell is that suppose to mean!" Emmet spat.

A medic flinched but responded, "What little we can figure from the escape pod's data banks," the medic paused, "It means that all traces of that organism is lost. And there is no known cure for such an infection other than asking the nanaites politely to leave the host."

Emmet frowned and turned toward the blob of black again. It raised its own head in response, staring back at Emmet with a single green circle centered in the middle of its current face. A line tore open at the bottom and a clear maw had formed, a black hole lined with small teeth, all of which were covered in the green glowing lines. It roared at Emmet, slamming itself into the glass pane seperating the two. The glass rang for a few moments, repulsing the creature back to the floor. It gave another look at Emmet before resuming to circle on the cold concrete floor.


The Imperial soldier walked through camp, patrolling the moonlit camp. As he passed the medical tent, he heard a gargling sound. He went to investigate, and to his horror, the isolation ward door was blown open. He scanned the the area, looking for the Nayo. The gargling sound continued. The soldier decided that his major concern should be this sound, and that they would deal with the Nayo later. He entered the tent and literally screamed. There were bloody messages all over the walls and splashes of blood. All of the injured soldiers inside were cut open and their insides draped over the rafters. A single body hung from the rafters by a noose. The soldier carefully picked his way toward it and turned on his flashlight. Another scream as the light lit up the crazed grinning, blank face, his eyes staring intensly at the soldier with an insane light, of Luther, his body swinging ever so slightly from the noose. A knife hung loosely in his hand. The soldier turned and fled like the devils were after him.



"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH..." came a scream. Then someone ran by. Emmet turned around, his squadmates following suit. An Imperial soldier came tearing away from the medic tent and ran for the perimeter. Emmet yelled, "Stop! You won't be branded a deserter, but the shield--"

SPZZZZZZZZZT! Emmet groaned as the soldier smashed head on into the pink shield and was fried instantaneously. A soldier frowned and said, "I wonder what he was running from."

They walked to the tent, which was unnaturally dark. Emmet motioned for the squad to perform a door breach maneuver, even though the tent lacked a door. They positioned themselves around the flap and charged inside.

"Holy Jesus!" Blood was everywhere. It was literally a gore fest. Emmet walked to a body that had apparently hung itself. A quick look told him that Luther had hung himself, the ghost of his last expression etched on his face. Blood was smeared on Luther's finger tips. Emmet checked the walls and saw that the messages were written there with blood. "Oh, Luther..."

"'THE END IS NEAR,' and 'THEY ARE COMING,' what does this all mean?" piped up a soldier near the end of the tent, his voice shaking. He was preoccupied with the message written on the wall, written several times in various areas. Emmet knelt down to check on the dead body on the ground and saw that he was cut open. A dark shape suddenly rose up behind him. A soldier's voice rang out, "Sarge-"

A strangled scream. Gunfire. Yelling. Flashlights waving around. More gunfire. A long, drawn out scream. Silence.



"The camp looks deserted," Stravers observed. He was right. The shield was up, but there was close to no movement in the camp. They approached the shield. Fay, who was carrying Jessie by his webbing, grunted with effort and checked their backs. Ash sighted up on his sniper rifle and looked at the camp. There was no one there.

"Do you think they went to sleep?" asked Ash.

"Nah, there has to be some night guards," Stravers said.

"Hey look, someone's coming!" Fay suddenly shouted. They looked at where he was pointing and saw a squad of 4 Imperials were headed towards them from the medic tent. Fay's flushed face from exertion suddenly lost it's color as he realized something, "Shit. They're walking like apes."

"There's a shield. We should be fine," said Stravers. Still, everyone sighted up. Fay covered their backs. The Nayos approached the shield and to everyone's horror, merely stepped through the pink shield, sizzling slightly. The next few seconds seemed to be passing by in slow motion. Ash fired his sniper rifle over and over. Realizing that his sniper rifle ahd to much recoil, he dropped it and pulled out his submachine gun. Stravers fired his gun at point blank range. Fay fired his rifle at something behind them. One got terrifyingly close and Ash grabbed the Nayo's head and ripped it off. The Nayo dropped, dead. Fay finished off two of the Nayos at once , the bodies dropping to the ground and the nanites pouring out from the cuts in the flesh as a dark black liquid.

"What the--" started Stravers. Ash turned around and fired a shot at the Nayo in front of Stravers. Then Ash gaped at the Nayo. The Nayo was hanging in the air in front of Stravers, immobilized. Fay turned his flashlight on and shone it on the Nayo's face. All three of them yelped in horror, recognizing the face.

"No... Not Emmet," Stravers said, in shock. Emmet snapped at him. Stravers waved his hand and Emmet went flying, his figure smashing into several buildings before being dragged back to Stravers. It went by him and slammed into the shield, then back into the buildings, back and forth. After about 5 passes, Stravers shot lightning from his fingertips and electrocuted the figure, effectively killing Emmet and the nanites.

"What was that supposed to be? Are you superman now?" Fay asked.

"I dunno. It just felt right." Stravers stared at his fingers in awe.

"More Nayos out there. I don't think they can climb buildings, so our best chance is to climb a building and camp on top for the night." Ash said. "Look in the shield. There's more Nayos!"

Ash suddenly tensed up as he saw a blob at the head of the crowd. His HUD was telling him that this "blob" was Hunter, but it couldn't be. His biosign was active. It just couldn't be him. Hunter crawled snake like on the ground. "My god, is that Hunter?"

"Yeah, and we seriously need to get out of here!" Stravers said, pointing at a group of Nayos advancing in on them. They were wearing civilian and Imperial soldier clothing, so these must be the militants and the soldiers caught up in the fray. Then, upon closer inspection, there were skinnier, more agile zombie like creatures wearing ARMS marine armor, but is was incredibly outdated, with open visors and a mix of different armor plates. Old M17 rifles were strapped to their backs. Red birds with fire were painted on their helmets as they staggered toward the squad. "No, that can't be," gasped Ash.

"It is," Fay said, fear constricting his throat. The new zombies were real zombies. They were the crew from the Pheonix. They turned and ran.

They reached the shortest building they could find and began to scale the side. After clearing the roof, they leapt and landed on a taller building. Ash snuck a look behind him and saw the Pheonix zombies were crawling up after them, their limbs contorted in a spider like way. They climbed further and further, trying to escape the oncoming horde of zombies. They were almost there when Fay cried out. Stravers and Ash looked down and saw that the zombies were not even 30 feet away from him. Stravers held out his hand and the front 6 lines of zombies flew off and disappeared into the darkness. "Go faster, Fay!"

"I can't! Sarge is weighing me down!" Fay pulled out his knife and put the blade against the webbing that attached Jessie to Fay.

"Don't even think about it!" snarled Stravers. The zombies crawled even closer. Fay pressed the blade against the rope but did not cut it.

"Don't do it, Fay! He's your Sergeant!" Stravers continued. Fay shut his eyes and bit his lower lip.

"Stravers," Ash said, "if he doesn't, we lose them both."

Stravers closed his eyes and said, "If you must."

Tears were streaming out of Fay's eyes as he cut Jessie loose. Ash watched the body fall in slow motion, Jessie's face looking almost calm, serene in the moonlight. Stravers screamed, looking down at the receding body that fell into the darkness. Ash could hear Fay whispering, I'm sorry over and over again as he climbed, going faster now that he was free of his burden. They reached the top and realized that the zombies weren't following them anymore. "They must have gone after Sarge," whispered Stravers, his voice breaking when he mentioned Jessie.

"We couldn't do anything to help him," said Ash, "I suggest we get some kip and deal with how we're going to get out tomorrow."

"How can you say that so casually?"

"Me? You have no idea."

"How it feels to lose a comrade and never see him again?" said Stravers, looking angry. Fay watched them talk, his head turning to who was speaking, rather like a tennis match.

"I do. But I don't just lose comrades. I lose brothers. I'm clone. I lose hundreds of brothers every single time. I know how to get up and go on. But even though I don't show it, it pains me inside to see someone I know die in front of me." Ash fell silent, lost in his thoughts. Stravers thought about it for a second, and then Fay stepped between them and cautiously said, "You two get some sleep. I'll take first watch."

The two of them settled down in various positions, while Fay sat on a lump of cement and sharpened his knife. Even though the two of them looked asleep, Fay knew that they weren't, and he doubt he was going to get any sleep either when his turn came.



Ash rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looked at Stravers, who was staring at the ground around the building in horror. Ash jumped to his feet and looked over the edge and nearly screamed. Loud screaming and shrieking filled the air, and he saw hundreds of undead and Nayo standing among each other, waving their arms and moving about. He noticed the Pheonix zombies were moving slower than usual, probably from the morning cold.

"Dang... How do we get off of this place?"

"Dunno. Seems like they were here for a looong time," replied Stravers. Fay stirred and woke up. He joined them at the edge and gaped in horror. The creatures stood in a ring around the group, mouths agape and soulless dark eyes staring toward them.

Journal: Sergeant Kimberly Lane
Date: 2/24/1562

I took part of a raid today. It was the usual, killing those who stood in the way and capturing militants if they didn't. I don't enjoy it though. My squadmates and I don't like killing people who are just fighting for a better life. I mean, that's what everyone does, right? Well, not the Photok anyway, but I really don't like killing people. It's horrible.
As depressing as it is, my squad and I know that if we don't frag the fighter, we'll get killed ourselves. The only loss we had today was Grap. He was gunned down by a crazed young militant with a shotgun. He couldn't have been more than 20 years old. From what I could tell be his expression, he was in grief. As much as I didn't want to, he might have fragged me if I hadn't done what was necessary. I punched him instead of killing him. It doesn't seem right to end someone's life when he's only a kid.
Jerome was injured when a rpg blew up near his feet, and Calvin received a concussion when a militant hit him around the head with a crowbar over and over and broke his visor.
Anyway, my squad is receiving a replacement for Grap and we're shipping out tomorrow to pull of a raid on a munitions warehouse. Wish us luck.

RIP Geoffrey "Grap" Lotamachov

Kim

Part Two



Travis turned and ran, seeing his three superiors suddenly die in a cloud of blood. His boots slammed on the hard concrete floor as he lept out of the building and landed on his feet after a two foot drop. He got up and fumbled with a shell, attempting to load it into his shot gun. He continued running through the dirty streets, Travis looked up and smiled. A towering concrete structure sat before him, hole punched out here and there, bristling with stolen wapons and manned with other militants. He resumed his run into the building, past the militants holding the line at the entrances.

"Are they coming?" asked a young militant with fear on his face.

"Yeah, and fast!" He replied. Gunfire ripped through the outer walls of the building and several militants fell screaming. Travis ran to a window and saw black bodysuited soldiers advancing on their position. Travis aimed his sawed off shotgun and fired several rounds at them. The Imperials scattered and returned fire. A body fell past Travis's window, the smell of burnt flesh strong. A tank shell exploded to Travis's left, leaving his ears ringing for several minutes. He looked through the gaping hole and saw armored soldiers rappelling in, guns flashing. Simultaneously, Imperials crashed through the doors in the ground floor, fragging militant after militant. Travis saw his friend, Jason, fall after being gunned down at point blank range from a marine. Travis retaliated and the marine staggered as bullets bounced off of the armor the marine was wearing. A metal fist connected with Travis's jaw and he fell backwards down the stairs, his lip bleeding. The ARMS sergeant called out an order and the marines spread out, firing at Travis's comrades. Travis's corporal jerked and fell off of a scaffolding as he was hit. A stream of blaster fire came from below and cut down another group of militants headed toward the breach. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion. A Marine nearby knifed a pleading militant on the ground, while a ARMS gunship dropped into view in the gaping hole where the marines were and fired missiles and machine gun fire into the building. Travis fell 10 feet and landed hard. Terrified, he lay there, pretending he was dead. The raid was systematic and efficient. Those who surrendered were captured, and those who fought were killed. Few ARMS and Imperials had fell. The Imperials rushed past him and Travis sprinted away from the building, grabbing a sniper rifle as he went. A horn sounded, indicating that the militants should regroup and attack.

"Move move move!" yelled a militant leader nearby, waving for the insurgents to run to the next rally point. Travis sprinted alongside them. He looked behind him and saw several dropships peel away from the side of the building. Inside were ARMS marines, some standing guard over a group of militants who had bags over their heads. Imperials poured out and gave chase. Plasma burned holes into the area around them, and militants fell. The leader giving orders yelled as a plasma bolt struck him in his throat. Travis leapt over some dead bodies and ran into the next skyscraper where they were going to hole up. A gunship flew overhead and a stream of machine gun fire tore right through the crowd of regrouping militants. Blood and gore flew upwards as militants died. Travis ran into the building and sprinted for the roof where he was going to get the best strategic location.

"The Allies are heading in on us! Don't give 'em an inch!" yelled another sniper. The snipers assembled on the roof and sighted up on the Imperials who were sprinting into the clearing where dead militants carpeted the ground. Travis sighted up and fired. A Imperial fell, but the rest must have got the message and ducked out of sight. There was a moment of silence where the snipers stopped firing and they could hear an Imperial comm crackle out "Light 'em up!"

Several dropships appeared out of nowhere behind the snipers as if on cue and fired missiles and machine guns. Marines rappelled down and fired on the snipers. Bodies toppled over the edge and fell with a sickening thud. The Imperials popped up from their hiding spots and ran across the open ground and burst into the building. Travis fired several rounds, dropping marines with each shot, but it wasn't enough. A grenade exploded nearby and threw Travis like a ragdoll and he hit a wall, sliding down the wall and fell into blissful unconsciousness.


Travis finally awoke to a loud boom, there was erie silence that permeated the building. He opened his mouth gulp a breath of air but screamed in pain instead. His jaw burned like the fires of hell. And it made him numb, both in mind and body. He took a look around, his vision was blurred so he couldn't make out much. He blinked his eyes a few times and it cleared up a bit, enough for him to see his surroundings. The room was worse than he had remembered, brick dust crumbled down in clouds and cracks ran through the concrete. He grunted and reached out with his right hand, finding a ledge he grabbed it and used it to stand up. Travis stumbled forward and scooped up a nearby gun. He ran his fingers across the smooth curved surface. Imperial he thought groggily. He stumbled forward and began to climb up the stairs, they weren't steep but it was still a challenge. After a few steps he reached the roof.

Travis stumbled in the sunlight, blinking a few more times until the glare lessened. Travis' jaw went a bit slack as he saw a massive floating city hovering over Ennex, and a flurry of lights fell from it in all directions. A massive ARMS battleship which was spewing steams of billowing smoke rammed into the city, detonating in a massive fireball, engulfing the right side of the floating metropolis. Travis turned on his heel and dove back down the stairs. After a few moments a massive burst of light rippled through the windows, and then shattered when a storm of fire burst its way through moments later. Debris rained down and Travis curled up to wait the storm over.

Silence descended on Ennex once more. Travis peeked between his fingers, terrified at what he was going to see. The walls of the room were literally blown away, lost to the winds. He pulled himself up shakily to his feet. He picked up the Imperial rifle and looked around. The whole city was leveled. Nothing was left except for desiccated buildings. So this is what we get for standing up against the Allied Government.

Sadly, he walked down the stairs to see similar scenes to those outside. Bodies that weren't incinerated were draped or ripped up in various positions. A Imperial soldier lay on the ground, dead. Travis looted the body of it's ammunition and weapons, quickly strapping it to his bandoleers. He also picked up 2 shotguns from the ground and strapped them to his back. He walked out onto the street. The air around him was hot and was hazy. There was a burning wreck in the horizon. He set off in the general direction to investigate.

There was a dull throbbing in his head and jaw, not enough to really hurt and to much to ignore. It was really irritating. He continued his trek toward the burning wreckage. Flames roared and crackled in every place possible, taunting him with his survival. Step by step he moved closer and closer, now he could make out it was an Allied vehicle that overturned. Blood was splattered next to the vehicle. A twisted dead body lay next to it, and Travis could make out it's Imperial Insignia. He looked around some more and saw a bent sniper rifle on the ground at the foot of the wall. He walked through a hole and saw another a burnt black body on the ground. Almost all of it had been incinerated, but he could make a melted and deformed headset. He thought hard to himself. If it wasn't an Allied air strike, then what was it?

"Hands up!" Travis spun around and saw a group of 6 militants standing there, all armed with rifles, shotguns, and other extra weapons. Travis held his hands up in a surrendering manner and walked into the light to present himself.

"Phew. It's just a kid. And he's a insurgent, just like us. Glad to find you," said the figure on the right. A bullet proof vest and a shotgun were tossed into the circle of light in front of him. Travis bent down and threw the vest around his head. He looked up as he did so and saw the familiar scars on his superior's face on the figure just in front of him. "Do you know what happened out there?"

The scarred man, Kabova, shook his head and said, "Your chin is bruised like a son of gun. How'd it end up so bad?"

"A marine punched me." Kabova winced and tossed a pain killer syringe. Travis strapped his vest on and picked up the syringe. He stabbed the needle into his forearm and dropped the syringe. He picked his shotgun up and strapped his Imperial Assault rifle on his back. As he stood up, he felt the pain in his head and his chin subside. The other militants had gathered by the hole in the wall, watching the area around them.

"Kab!" shouted a militant near the hole.

"Yes?" replied Kabova as he wiped soot off of Travis's face.

"There's a Imperial camp not to far from here! They might find us!" The 7 militants including Travis jogged outside and shielded their eyes from the sun. Sure enough, the large, glowing Imperial insignia was holographically projected up into the air above a shield. It was a sign that chilled them right to the bone. Not only was it an Imperial camp, but it also meant that something else had also stranded soldiers from one of the most powerful civilizations in the galaxy on a backwater planet like this.


The 7 militants pushed themselves up the last building. They were grabbing a nice, tall building so they could stay away from the Imperials and from nocturnal predatory animals. On the way up, they had encountered a escape pod from the floating city. Inside were 5 Imperial Personnel and 1 Imperial soldier. They had quickly dispatched the personnel, but the soldier took longer, taking a militant named Till with him.

"Poor Till. He didn't even have a chance against that soldier," commented Yept, a militant who sported a bandanna and dual uzies.

"Hey, lookie here!" Randall called, emerging from the Imperial pod.

The group turned around to face him. Randall grinned and held up a small silver object so that the group could see.

"And that is..." Kabova asked.

"An Imperial emergency override key, man." Randall replied happily, "The thing gives access to all Imperial vehicles and devices. One of them guys here must have been a pretty high ranking engineer to have this."

Kabova snatched it from Randall's outstretched hand, "Well if its what you say, you sure aint gonna get to hold it."

Travis picked up an Imperial bag and began to rummage through it; ration bars he pocketed the few, a high powered self sufficiant flashilight, photo of a woman which he discarded to the winds, and then he grabbed a small white cylindrical object that fit nicely in his hand. Travis pulled it out and examined it. It was a swiss army knife with a very strange emblem etched onto the side of the handle. It was a steel grey circle with a small protrusion from the right inward, ending with a inverse "C." Under the letter was a small phrase written in gold letters, "Do what you must. Remember Nouvelle Rouvenor, remember your brothers." Travis pocketed the small contraption and tossed the bag aside.

The group once again headed for the rooftops, emerging a few minutes later most of them huffing from the many steep stairs. Kabova recovered first and began to work on his weapon.

"Nice." Kabova slid a scope onto the rail on his submachine gun as they reached the top, commenting on the only solid rooftop around. He peered through it and scanned around. Pyth, the only surviving militant sharpshooter, crouched next to him and aimed his sniper rifle at the shield where the Imperial camp is. Travis, finally feeling relieved that someone had found him, suddenly began to realize how thirsty he was. He turned to Jacob and said, "Hey, you got water?"

"Yeah. Here." Travis caught the canteen one handed and took a swig from it. He wiped his mouth and handed the canteen back to him. Travis shouldered his rifle and looked at the device Randall was fiddling with. He was scanning through a list of vehicles that he could gain access to. Jacob joined them. "Wow, check that out. A floating city named Orion. I wonder why it's offline?"

"Maybe it's the one that blew up," Travis said reasonably.

"A what blew up?" asked Randall, looking up alarmed.

"Didn't you see it? It blotted out the sun. An ARMS cruiser crashed into it though," Travis replied. Kabova's voice growled behind them. He was still looking through the scope, but he knew what they were talking about, "Randall, I said, you ain't gonna hold that."

"Sorry, boss." Randall put the device into Kabova's bag and sat there staring at the ruined cityscape. Pyth suddenly homed in on a something moving. "Hold on, there's somethin down there, boss. It looks like the passengers of the warthog we found ages ago."




"Where?"




"Down there by the hill. They seem to be cheering." Kabova made a irritated sound in his throat and said, "Which hill?"




"The one just about 200 meters from the camp."




"Got it." Kabova said, "Wait, don't shoot. They seem to have found the camp, so it isn't safe to gun them down. Besides, those two Marines over there have crosshair symbols on their helmets. They're snipers."



"Fine." The two of them got up and walked to where the rest of them were. The other four had begun setting up the camp stuff, like sleeping bags and tarps for shelter.

Travis pulled off his shirt and draped it over a piece of cement wall to dry it out over night and he slid into his sleeping bag. Staring at the tarp above him, he pulled out the knife and examined it. Nouvelle Rouvenor? Travis shook his head, not knowing whatever that meant. Suddenly, he felt guilty about the soldier's death. He had been the one that pulled the trigger when the disarmed soldier begged for his life. Kabova and the rest had treated that man's death like any other, but Travis remembered the man's face full of fear. He wasn't thinking then. He only thought about how Till wasted his life getting shot by that same soldier. His guilt built up even more as he remembered the picture of a woman. She was probably waiting for him to come home, to a happy life. He opened the blade and the blade had a inscription: Tred Harris. He looked around at the others and saw that they were asleep. He pulled himself out and walked down the stairs to the dirt floor and dug a hole. He dropped the knife in and buried it. He bent down and used his marker to write "Tred Harris, Imperial Soldier" on the cement floor next to the hole and quickly hid it so Kabova wouldn't find it. Something shifted some rubble nearby, and Travis swore he saw a black blob. It vanished quickly. He shrugged and waited a couple seconds before deciding it was a trick of the light. He went back up stairs and lay down on the lumpy pillow attatched to the sleeping bag and drifted slowly to sleep admist the hot breeze and drifting ash.

"UP! Up! Do you want me to shoot you?" Travis woke up and found himself staring into the barrel of a shotgun. He quickly got up and started packing his things as Kabova strode over to the other unmoving forms of the sleeping militants to wake them. His jaw had begun to throb again and Travis plunged another syringe of painkiller into his arm to relieve himself of the pain. The other militants got up, chewing on ration bars for a meager breakfast. Kabova was pacing back and forth, irritated at the slowness of the group.

When they were ready, Kabova shoved each man down the stairs to hurry them up. Travis tumbled down a set of stairs onto the ground floor. Jacob spilled onto the floor next to him while Yept rolled past them. Randall steered clear and was already outside. Kabova roughly pulled Jacob and Travis to their feet and yelled at them for their slowness. Travis sheepishly nodded in acknowledgment and they moved down the street, with Randall in the lead.

"This Imperial Orev-orde-oder, bah, thingy, how does it work?" asked Kabova in a restrained voice, obviously questioning Randall.

Randall looked like his birthday had come early. He reached for the device, but stopped as he realized Kabova's rifle was pointed at his chest. "Why?"

"Just tell me." Kabova inched away from Randall.

Randall sighed and said, " Like I said, It's a pass key, you insert it into any Imperial grade key slot and it access the data. But this one is broke, the main data port is damaged." Randall sneered, "What is it that you've found Kabova?"

"I don't like your attitude," Kabova said, quietly, "wipe that sneer off your face or I will with me gun."


Randall's smile faded, "You don't dare kill me, I'm the only one with any training with electronics."

Kabova growled, "True, but," Kabova flipped the shotgun around into Randalls crotch, dropping him to the ground in a high pitched wail, "I can still do that. Drag him along if he can't walk."


Pyth and Jacob hurried forward to help Randall stand up, dragging him forward by his arms. Travis and Yept looked at Kabova fearfully before continuing on. After awhile, Pyth said, "I could have sworn we saw that building before. Are you sure we aren't going in circles?"

"Shut up!" barked Kabova and Pyth fell silent. They walked to a pile of rubble and Kabova slapped Randall. "Wake up you moron! You don't want me to do that again, do you?"

"No, boss," squeaked out Randall, his voice a octave higher than usual. Randall got up and walked some distance, bandy legged.

"Looks like you hit 'em hard." Commented Pyth before following him.

Kabova shrugged and said, "He deserved it."

Travis kicked a rock nearby, angry at about how this arguing and threatening was going absolutely nowhere. Jacob sighed and said, "Can we keep moving?"

"Right. Let's move," Kabova said. They walked for another 5 minutes when they heard a loud, squealing noise, like metal grinding on metal. A strangled scream followed. The militants froze, then aimed their rifles in different directions. A Imperial soldier ran out of the debris toward them, his eyes wide with fright and his mouth open in a silent scream. Kabova fired a shot, but the bullet bounced off of the soldier's shoulder pad. Without stopping, or registering their existence for that matter, the soldier ran between them and vanished into the haze. The other militants shot a puzzled look after the running man before turning back.

"Press forward! Pyth, Yept, take front and clear the area ahead! Jacob, bring up the rear and cover our backs. Randall, Travis, on my six!" Kabova barked. The militants rushed to their designated positions and moved in. Travis covered Kabova's right, sweeping the shotgun left and right. They entered a tunnel of debris and Travis turned the light mounted just under the barrel on. Flashlights crisscrossed around.

"Man, this place is creeping me out," Yept's voice rang out from ahead. Kabova and Travis walked side by side, with Randall right behind them, close enough to breath down their necks.

"Holy. Friken. Jesus." Pyth suddenly said. They gathered up behind him and gasped in shock. The ground was moving, and there appeared to be writhing forms in there. Then, one stood up and walked towards them,ape like. The figure then straightened up, rolled it's head around eerily and inhumanly and shrieked. The moving little pebble shaped objects poured off and the militants backed up in fear. It was an Imperial soldier, but it's eyes were glowing like lights and the face was contorted in fury. It hissed and jumped into the air above them quickly, spinning. It landed on the roof above them spider like and hissed.

"Run! Fall back!" Screamed Kabova, shoving the others behind him, desperate to get away from the... thing. Travis turned and ran as fast as he could. He turned several corners before his foot caught onto something and he tripped. Jacob then tripped over him as Travis scrambled up to his feet. Another hiss, too close. Travis grabbed his gun and fired randomly into the darkness. The flashlight on the gun was broken. He heard more hissing and saw Jacob swing his light around and suddenly drop. Jacob then screamed and screamed and screamed. His last one suddenly was cut short with a loud rip. Travis flicked his extra flashlight on and to his horror, saw the rabid figure crouched, monkey-like, over the bloody, unmoving form of Jacob. His throat and lower jaw were ripped out and the creature was using his jawbone as a spoon to scoop out what was left of his throat. Travis yelled with pure terror in his heart and sprinted further away from the gory scene. Finally, at last, he sprinted full pelt into the sunlight where the others were waiting. Travis ran into the group and fell down, retching, trying to get the horrid stench of blood out of his nose. He realized he was sobbing as well. Kabova, who was still rather panicked, got the others to form a defensive line around them before bending down next to Travis, "Hey, you alright? Where's Jacob?"

"H-heezz," Travis took a breath, "D-dead. G-got eaten-en." Travis then rolled over and fainted from the traumatizing experience he just had, into a blissful sleep that Travis now craved.

Crack. Ratatatatatatat! Gunfire woke Travis up. He was suddenly aware that he was being carried in a fireman's carry by Yept. Randall was just behind Yept and was turned away, shooting at something. Gunfire was sounding from all directions. Travis shook his head to clear it when Yept suddenly said, "He's awake! Hand 'em a gun!"

Travis was suddenly dropped and a rifle was shoved into his hands. "Wuzzgoinon?"

"They're back! There's so many of them!" Travis stumbled to his feet and checked his surroundings and saw that there were three militants around him, firing their guns at dark forms running forward with supernatural speed. Glowing eyes were everywhere. Travis jacknifed to his feet and fired his rifle at the closest group and he saw bits of the creatures fly off. Then he realized something, "Where's Pyth?"

"He got snatched by those things yesterday! We were ambushed!" Travis's blood ran cold. Yept fired his uzis at point blank range at a creature, drilling a hole through the creature with the bullets. Travis, after gunning down another creature, asked, "Where are we?"

"We're at the Imperial camp," Kabova replied, casually shotgunning two of the creatures.

"Wasn't there a shield?"

"Randall busted through it with his technical skills. Don't ask me how." Travis shot down a couple more when he and Yept stepped into the Medical tent. Shining his light around, he noticed bloody, dismembered bodies were everywhere. A body hung from the rafters by a noose. Then, to his horror, dismembered body parts and what was left of the occupants suddenly stirred and crawled toward them. The body hanging from the rafters shrieked and attempted to break loose, but the noose was too tight. It flailed, making the whole scene look as if it came from a horror movie. Travis and Yept fired their guns and backed out of the tent. A bloody arm flew out of the tent and latched onto Yept's head. He screamed trying to rip it off, but the hand held on, digging into his scalp with it's nails. Travis turned the gun towards the hand, but a legless and headless body crawled out toward Travis and he had no choice but to leave his comrade behind. Randall appeared next to him, holding a rotary cannon. He squeezed and held the trigger, emptying clip after clip at the moving corpses in the tent. Then, a bloody figure rose up inhumanely without the aid of it's arms. A hand was fused to it's head and had collapsed the skull. Fear gripped Travis as he realized that it was Yept, but Randall calmly moved forward and poured a whole clip into Yept. Blood splattered everywhere, and another figure stumbled out. This one was bloody alright, but it wasn't it's own blood. It had an insane grin and large, wide eyes staring with such intensity and it was a carrying a knife. A tattered noose hung from it's neck. It charged at the two militants. Travis yelled and fired his gun, Randall doing the same. They hit the creature several times, but not enough. As it drew nearer, it raised it's knife. Then, a figure darted between them and the figure and disarmed the figure of it's knife. It was Kabova. He flipped the knife around into a backhand grip and stabbed the figure over and over again in the chest, finishing with a stab into the forehead. Kabova snarled with satisfaction, "That's right, punk. Wipe that look off your face."





Travis turned to the mess tent as he heard more gurgling. As he did so, he slipped on something and he fell. He looked down and saw a green package. The Photok symbol was stamped across the front. Frowning, he picked it up and shoved it inside his pack. Anything from the Photok was valuable. He looked up and gasped.



"Boss, here come some more from the mess tent!" Travis yelled. Kabova looked over and saw a black blob oozing out of the tent. Kabova waved for them to retreat and hurled his knife at the black blob. The blob swallowed the knife and a green circle of light lit up in the smack center of the blob. Green lines coursed out from the circle. It blinked and stared after the running militants, oozing after them. Then, briefly, a small white cylinder of a swiss army knife protruded from the mass of nanites and vanished again.


"We have to get that!" Travis shouted, unloading his round into a nearby creature and making a mad dash toward the blob.

"Kid! That's suicide!" Hands grabbed the back of Travis's vest and pulled him back.

"No! We need that!" Travis yelled, breaking free and firing at the blob. Randall and Kabova looked at each other in exasperation and set themselves up as distractions to the blob, firing at it from a distance. Randall covered Travis's approach by pouring gunfire into the creatures near Travis. Travis reached the blob and attempted to pull the swiss army knife up and out of the blob, but it was stuck tight. He pulled out his shot gun and fired several rounds into the blob near the knife and it finally came free. The blob swayed and faced him, and for one terrifying moment, Travis thought he was going to die, but a 10 ft long tent pole skewered right through the black mass, distracting it. Travis got up and started running, and saw Kabova hurl another tent pole at the blob. A loud squelch told him that it had hit it's mark. Travis ran past them, and yelled, "c'mon! let's get out of here!"

As they ran, Kabova swore loudly, "Never, ever, ever do anything like that again! You could have been killed."

And, for the first time in the few days that they had spent time together, Randall agreed with him, "Yeah. I had half the mind to strangle you before you became another twisted addition to that freak army."

Travis laughed, adrenaline ebbing away, and began to slow down. They couldn't hear the creatures anymore. Randall pointed to the pocket knife, "Why's that so important anyway?"


"Dunno. I retrieved it from a Imperial bag, and I feel like this is something we need. Does that sound right?" Kabova and Randall shook their heads. Kabova then spoke up, "well, a, you're a militant, not some parade boy who works for the Imps, b, it's a knife, and, c, it's not yours."

"Well, I still have a feeli"- snick! Travis was flicking open the blade when he realized that there were blue lines coursing up and down on the blade, and he said, "what is this?"

Randall took the knife from Travis and his eyes widened. "Wait a minute," he said, pulling out the Imperial Override device, "If we insert the blade into the slit on the back..." click.

"What?" asked Kabova, annoyed that no one was telling him what was going on.

"Walaa, we have a repaired Override device now! Here boss, no hostility intended by taking the device."

"None taken." Kabova turned and resumed running. Randall suddenly jerked back, tossing the device into the air, it pulsed blue for a moment and sent out a shrieking wail, and then it hit the ground, once again quiet.


Travis swiped it from the ground and stared at it, the strange emblem glowed bright blue, displaying a design that flowed like the water in a river. The key beeped again before stating in a cool and disctinctly female voice, "DNA scanning complete, sequence does not match, Inquiry: What happened to Tred Harris?"

The militants gathered around and stared at the device. Finally Travis answered, "D-dead."

"Statement: Duly noted. Inquiry: Cause of death?"

"Shot to death by militants." Travis replied.

"Statement: Noted. Inquiry: Who is the current owner of this Consortium override key?"

"Consortium override key? I thought you said this was an Imperial key." Kabova growled angrily at Randall.

"Statement: Yes and no. Please confirm new owner to access full extent of data banks."

"Travis Orfus."

"Statement: Noted, new owner recognized. Updating Consorstium data network. Update complete. Welcome to the Consortium Travis."

Travis stuttered unintellagibly.

"Statement: Biosigns indicate heavy stress and damage to various parts of the body... no other signs of active vehicles nearby. Stranded Y/N"

"Yes." Kabova growled.

"Statement: Registered. Inquiry: Would you like me to direct you to the nearest Consortium craft?"

"Yes." Kabova said again.

"Statement: Understood, Consortium Cobra class missile boat 3 kilometers to the north, procede with caution, high levels of radiation detected in area."

Kabova pocketed the device and cleared his throat, "We should get moving."

Travis nodded numbly and the three of them headed north towards a large shard of the starbase that had lodged itself neatly into one of the towers.


"Please take a right turn here." The militants spun 90 degrees and walked down the indicated passageway. The device made a weird beeping noise that reminded Travis of the old GPS that the people from the 20st century used. After walking for several minutes, they went across a catwalk that spanned across a 400 ft drop. Kabova whistled and the sound echoed.

"Wow."

"Please, no sightseeing. We are on a tight schedule and this bridge is ready to collapse. Please get off." Kabova looked like he wanted to chuck the thing off, but it was important for their survival. Travis swore he heard the device hum happily to itself. As they stepped off the bridge, the bridge twisted and fell out of sight into the chasm.

"Holy Jesus. If we were on that thing for a minute longer, we could've been dead." Randall said, watching it fall.

"Ahahaha," chuckled the device, "I aaaaamm a genius!"

"Oh, shut up," Travis said.

"Yes, master," the Device replied cheerfully. The device began to hum a unfamiliar tune again. They turned again to the large shard in the building. Upon closer inspection, they saw that it was gray, with heavy armor.

"I wonder how much money it took to make that thing," Travis said.

"Yeah. And it got blown up." Kabova replied, walking up to the building. They stepped inside and began to climb the stairs, huffing and puffing. Travis stepped on something. As they reached the 15 level, they heard gunshots in the distance and they looked out. In the distance, a tall building jutted up, and they could see three figures running to it, one looked as if it was carrying something. A large horde of creatures were after them, some running like animals on the ground. The one in the lead fired at the creatures, slowing them down. Then the figures began to climb. About halfway, the odd one suddenly dropped something large and climbed faster. The creatures stopped chasing it and chased the falling object.

"Hey, boss, I think they might be Imperial survivors!"

"How do you know?"

"Two of them are shooting plasma, and one is shooting lead." Kabova nodded and said, "We'll try to establish contact later."

"Boss?"

"Look. We're stuck in the same situation. We'll need to put aside our differences if we are to survive." Travis had never dreamed of the day where Kabova himself had suggested to join up with the Allied forces, though considering their current situation, it may be necessary.

"Those creatures chasing Imperial Private Stravers, Imperial Private Fay, and ARMS Sniper Class Marine Private Ash are called N.A.O.'s. These specific ones are class 6 N.A.O.'s. The smaller, agile ones are called Zombies, quite literally. They are what is left of the tragic crew aboard the Pheonix." Travis blinked, surprised that the Device knew about these things. Then again, it was either an Imperial or Consortium device.

"The Pheonix, wait a minute, was that the ship that crashed into the battlestation?" Randall asked.

"Yes. It is unfortunate that it has arrived. We are doomed. On that happy note, we shall continue with our quest to the crash site."

And, with that, it hummed "Smile" and directed a beam of light up the stairs. The group moved swiftly for the remainder of the trip, occasionally stopping to take a breather or two. Finally after a few more flight of stairs they reached the surface of the cracked piece of battlestation.

"The Cobra class vessel is inside. I suggest you either blow your way in or try to climb to the emergency access hatch. Take your pick." A holographically projected arrow appeared and pointed upwards at a small opeing some two hundred meters into the air.

The group was puzzled, they had no way of doing either. Kabova cussed rapidly into the surrounding air. Travis frowned, there was no reason for the AI to point out the access hatch if there was no way to reach it. So what had the device noticed that he hadn't. He gripped the Imperial rifle tightly, the cool cruved surface of the weapon felt calming. He swept his hand over it until he felt an inconsistancy in the carbon fiber. Travis swept his hand back and felt it again, a small straight crack in the otherwise smooth material. On further inspection the crevice ran up half the height of the weapon and then turned left ninety degrees and ran the full length of the first section of the gun and then down again right before the barrel. Travis dug his fingernails into it and pried it open. Three levels folded out of the rectangular compartment. A grenade launcher, a bayonet, and an ascension cable.


"Guys I found something." Travis announced while getting up from his sitting position on a piece of rubble. The device chirped to life at the sound of this, projecting a holographic happy face into the air.

Kabova turned around and glared at Travis, "What is it boy."

Travis answered by clicking the ascension cable into place and held the rifle out to Kabova. He snatched it from Travis's hands and fiddled with a mechanism, clicking little things into place and then aiming up toward the opening. Kabova pulled the trigger and a soft pang reverberated through the air and a stingle black tendril reached up and speared itself somwhere out of site high up near the opening. He detached the cable and handed the gun back to Travis before grabbing the ascension cable and hoisting himself the two hundred meters to the hatch. Randall and Travis did the same.

"Well, well, look what I found," echoed Kabova's voice through the hatch. Randall dropped into the dark opening, quickly followed by Travis. The dark shape of an Imperial dropship dominated the otherwise empty hangar, but something was different about this one. It was undoubtly sleeker and the ducting fans stretched into two wings.

"It's a beaut, that's all I can say," Randall chirped.

Travis moved forward and ran his hand on the smooth obsidian surface. Flawless, no welds could be seen, no bolts or rivets. No chipping from casting either, this was a genuine piece of art, probably fused together at the molecular level. Then something struck him as he finished running his hand around the vessel.

"There's no door." Randall said, confirming Travis' suspicions.

Kabova gave a curse before appearing from the front of the ship, "Cockpit doesn't open either." The three stood in silence, each attempting top find some unseen imperfection that would lead them to a door. After a few minutes Kabova snatched the override device and shook it violently. A projection of a confused happy face appeared.

"Why did you just administer a gyroscope test?" she asked.

"How does this thing work?" Kabova growled and then shook the device again.

This was done by two fourteen year-olds. We are still working.

For more of my work, especially fanfictions, SC2Armory.com houses most of them under the username Dark Prelate.