Tales of Really Dumb Teammates

[Kimarous]

Brink... yeah, I play it. I enjoy it well enough, at least so long as the match doesn't have lag and I don't have massive morons like THIS guy. Prison level, Resistance faction. Objective: have Operative hack a terminal to obtain an access code for the next objective. The location of the said hacking terminal can be really tough to reach, but we somehow stormed the area before they could set up a good defence. There were three of us; the heavy gunner who actually took the place, the sole Operative on the team, and myself, an Engineer. I plop down a defensive turret and the soldier stands guard, ready to fend off any Security who would interrupt his hacking.

Then we notice the Operative is just... standing there. He's not even facing the hacking terminal; he hasn't even placed the hacking device on the computer. He's just staring off into space. I stand in front of him and start pointing at his objective with my gun, trying to remind him of what he should be doing. What does he do? Fucking leaves the room, jumps off the nearby ledge, and starts fighting Security forces! I leave to become an Operative myself and complete the objective, but Security had reclaimed the chamber by then! We never did reclaim that position; failing to meet that objective, the Resistance team lost the match. In a game that's all about teamwork, his actions were inexcusable!

 

[Saika Renegade]

I've played a lot of multiplayer games, mostly shooters of some stripe, and while I have had my fair share of personal learning experiences (no one goes into TF2 without learning to naively trusting a 'teammate' at least once) I have to admit, sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who bothered to learn about abilities and controls before jumping in.

Case in point, a couple of weeks ago I had to play in a team with a fellow who I refer to as That Spy. That Spy was either completely missing the point so hard he's doing it on purpose or is unaware of how to work his controls. No matter how many times he was gibbed, burnt, hacked to pieces, or flung to the far corners of the map (a hilarious ragdoll glitch for another thread), he could not wrap his mind around the idea of either the right mouse button or the presence of more than three items in his inventory. I watched. The poor bugger literally charged out with his revolver four times in a row and lasted maybe ten seconds tops per go. I checked, too, and he wasn't equipped with the Dead Ringer because of the big skull next to his name on the scoreboard every single time.

It got so bad our Pyro stayed behind with him in spawn for nearly a minute to try and explain the functions of his equipment to him, and after all that, only got him to finally right click and use his cloak. That Spy eagerly charged out onto the field, I counted off ten seconds...and he uncloaked right in front of a RED Soldier.

Soldier didn't even blink or slow down and just charged right through what was now a cloud of blood and French body parts.

We still won, somehow, but I can tell you That Spy wasn't helping.

 

[cahtush]

People in stacraft 2 who go one-base Battlecruiser in teamgames.

 

[Darth_Dude]

Story from League of Legends. Bad teammate, or master planner? You decide!

A team of 4 picks their characters, the fifth waits for a minute, then locks in Teemo.

When the match starts, he runs straight to mid turret and dies to their mid. He respawns (using revive) and does it again. By this point, his team is raging and attacking him, threatening to report him for intentionally losing. But they play on.

Teemo continues to die at the enemy hands, only stopping occasionally to kill a creep or two. At 20 minutes in, he is 0/10/0. Team rages, but manages to tie one lane, and win the other. Teemo is building pure attack speed and movement speed. The troll build. The team is freaking out. A teamfight gets under way, and Teemo's team is in good position, and wins despite Teemo not being there. Teemo was knocking down a turret. His mushrooms had allowed the team to see the enemy a mile away.

Another fight at dragon, Teemo's team wins due to sight of enemy, and Teemo knocks down another turret. The enemy team decides to stop Teemo, and kills him... for 22 gold. Because he never attacked the enemy, and multiple deaths decrease gold earned from killing you, he was essentially worthless to kill.

The plan was clear. Teemo with revive and high movement, could fly around the map at lightning speed, teleport to undefended turrets and take them out, all without fear of retribution because of how little gold the enemy would gain. A battle at Baron end with Teemo's team taking the buff, and a minute later, Teemo knocked down the final 2 turrets and ended the game.

His final score: 0/31/2 with the assists coming from Mushrooms. And yet... without him, the team would have lost.

Wow, that guys deserves a medal!

Must have been hell for you early on though..

I am only the storyteller. I had no part in this game. But the story's been spread so much, so one is really sure who the original Teemo was.

0.o So it's like one of those old wives tales..

 

[Et3rnalLegend64]

I usually avoid threads with such negativity (Worst game ever, Why I hate x, etc). This one kinda clicks though, so I'll bite.

TF2: Mass Sniper/Spy like everyone else says. Also any game where no one wants to be Medic. As much as I like being Medic, I don't like when my Medic play time ends up being higher than all of the other classes put together because I'm the only one holding the game together. I've since left TF2 anyway because I've lost patience with my computer. It regularly skips so I have trouble keeping up with damned Heavies or I miss my clicks and my patient dies.

BF3: When my helicopter pilot jumped. With a full load of passengers.

That's all I got. The rest of my time is spent playing BlazBlue and getting occasional rage mail from un-sportsmanlike players.

"Well played."
"No, stop jumping."

What, are we playing Street Fighter? Stop using two characters then! (Carl)

 

[Ranorak]

One of Star Wars The Old Republic's PvP battlegrounds is a variation to Capture the Flag.

2 Sides, a ball in the middle. You task is to pick up the ball and take it to the enemies side, or goal if you will.
The change here is you can toss the ball. You get a little AoE curser and toss the ball, if there is a ally in that AoE, he catches it and can move on. Enemies can catch it too, and if it hits nothing but the ground, it respawns in the middle again.

So...at one point I have the ball, I'm a tank so I have a nice bit of health, but I can't win against the 4 enemies I see that are coming at me. I turn around to toss the ball to a ally, only to notice that all of them are just fighting other enemies in the middle.

No one was there to back me up, they didn't even care for the ball.
They just wanted kills.

 

[The Name's Bond]

On TF2 when I'd play as the medic and when I finally had the Ubercharge I would use it on a heavy, pyro or demo man and they would just stand in the doorway of the room and shoot from there, why couldn't they have charged in and done some actual good the stupid twat. But I have been one of those dumb team mates on BF3 stupidly the first time I played it I decided to hop in a jet and see if my experience on flight simulators was worth anything. It took 2 seconds for me to clip a bit of scenery by the side of the runway and cause the jet to explode and the jet after me which crashed into the remains of my jet. Needless to say, I haven't used the jets since

 

[Reaper69lol]

Combat medics in team fortress 2. Do I really need to say more?

 

[ShindoL Shill]

Battlefield BC2

The tank is damaged, I run to heal it from the front and it reverses for 20 seconds and gets shot 2 more times and blows up then I die

All of my rage...

similarly: the tank is almost destroyed, i hop out and start fixing it. it goes from about 20 health to 30. as soon as it does, the dumbfuck drives off, OVER a cliff and gets it down to 10 health. i really hate the guys who drive off when i get out to fix the tank.
and once, when i was sniping, i had some idiot using a machine gun right next to me. not defending me though. no. he was using it like a sniper rifle. long story short: the other team stare right at my position and start 'nade spamming Sgt Dumbass. luckily, i was lying right on top of a stack of health packs. he wasnt.
and once, on the harbour level in the town, a bunch of us were in the garage with the defence point. the idiot here decided to stand just outside the doorway. tank fires at him, he dodges and i get and emergency headectomy.

and in Halo: Reach, on Sword Base or whatever it's called, i was running around with the sword and the shotgun because i find no enemies, then a whole bunch of them playing poker or some shit like that. so, i take out some enemies, with some assistance from the teammate in question, but get killed by a death-grenade. i spawn on the teammmate, and watch him look at me, take the sword and shotgun from my corpse and proceed to suck. he wasted an entire shotgun of shells for about two kills (i had 7) before dying, and letting me get my stuff back. i dont care if an enemy takes my weapons, because then i can hunt them to death. teammates, i dont mind if they're good. but if you suck, i will hate you.
it happened 4 times.

 

[Jodah]

Was playing Space Marine. Had three chaos pinned down in a hallway with me using the Plasma Cannon. I charge up the shot to take them out while they are hiding around the corner. Just as I launch what would have been a perfect shot a devastator running around with a bolt pistol runs in front of me, takes the blast, and gets me killed.

 

[The Wykydtron]

I remember when there were 3 Snipers and 3 Spys on my team in almost every server i joined in TF2... It died down when i got better as Spy for whatever reason.

Now i'm the only Spy on the team 90% of the time. God i love the Dead Ringer.

Also probably anything I did during my brief stint playing LoL would count. I never could master the art of not going towards the enemy towers when there are no minions to distract it for you...

 

[Fijiman]

Was playing a CTF match in Halo quite a few years ago., I had the flag, and the flag destination was in the middle of an epic shootout with everyone else. This one team mate comes up behind me and starts complaining that we're losing because of me not going to drop the flag off. I tell him "Dude...there is a massive area where anyone running slowly with a flag will get ass raped.". This dick then kills me, takes the flag, runs forward around the corner I was hiding and gets hit by a sniper rifle, a Spartan laser and a plasma grenade all at the same time. I then took pictures of it later in saved film from multiple angles and sent them to the dude, thanking him for loosing the match for us.

Halo: Reach.

"I CALL [INSERT WEAPON OR VEHICLE]!"

Anybody who ever utters that phrase will almost always betray me at one point in the game because their dumb ass is awful at using said weapon or vehicle and they don't realize it.

I once joined a match where some little ***** would not stop hopping in my line of fire while I was in the tank because he wanted it and was hoping that I'd betray him and he'd be able to boot me.

"FINE! CHRIST! TAKE THE STUPID TANK!"
"LOL Noob, now watch how a pro does it."

I jetpack up to the top of the mountain on...whatever the name of that Forge World variant is and begin raining down death upon the mortals. What do I see but the "Pro" charging headlong with the tank into what could only be described as a wall of death. Laser, grenade launcher, pretty much the entire Blue team was coming right at him and he kept missing like a scrub. HOW DO YOU MISS WITH EXPLOSIVE SHELLS?! THEY EXPLODE!

So I continue my slaughter from the tank atop the mountain as he gets blown up by a rain of grenade and a laser shot, then bitched out by my fellow team members.

Any asshole who will kill you just to get the power weapons/objective can go burn in hell for all I care.

It seems that the people who claim to be pros are the most likely to be the most useless.

Just remembered one from Reach. playing with some friends on invasion and I'm the one who gets stuck with a random as my spawn buddy. The dumbass spends the whole time we're attacking the first objective trying to kill one guy who had a DMR. he said he was trying to kill the guy so that we wouldn't get shot at spawn, but the only one getting killed was him. We then proceed to get our asses kicked and the guy says I sucked because I died so much, and while I will never say that I am a great Halo player at least I was trying to attack/defend the objectives. The guy then proceeded to say that going after objectives is for noobs (or something like that) and yet he's playing in objective playlist instead of something like free-for-all. And I'm the pathetic noob here? I think not.

Was playing MW3 (yes, yes, COD is terrible, but my friends play it so...) yesterday.

This sounds like my brother's problem. Most of his friends rarely play anything other that CoD which means that's almost all he plays.

 

[Thyunda]

This first one was on Chromehounds, at least a year ago. Now, I wasn't too sure on how to build a winning mech, but I'd come damn close. Assault rifles adorned the left and right sides of my track-based machine, and the roof was devoted to supporting this giant fucking cannon. It became something of a legend in our 'clan'. You had to be in teams in that game, right? Like...permanent ones. So, yeah, our 'clan'. Organisation. Team. Group. Gamer pool.
That cannon was my trademark.

So, anyhow, my brother acted Commander, and co-ordinated our movements. An opposing Hound headed in my direction, and my brother reported it as such. My team-mate nearby got the same idea I did, and turned to his left, whereas I turned to my right. He got the first shot off - an assault rifle round plinked against my armour.

Boom.

The cannon roared, and my poor team-mate limped away from the conflict after my brother started roaring "NO! YOU STUPID BASTARD! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!"

So ashamed of myself.


The other one takes place in Modern Warfare 3's Hardcore Kill Confirmed. It plays by Ricochet rules, so any damage you attempt to inflict on a team-mate is reflected on you. A nice idea, but painful in practice.
My brother made it his personal mission to run in front of our mutual friend's gun. I don't think he even realises when he's doing it, but he just KNOWS that perfect moment to stick his head between a bad guy and a gun barrel.

For a little while, I had Martyrdom as my death streak. I have Dead Man's Hand now, but this was then. That mutual friend insisted on squatting over my corpse and its live grenade, killing me on spawn.
Sometimes he'd sit next to my booby trapped care packages, and so I'd defend them more fiercely than I'd defend a regular care package, desperate for him to never have the satisfaction of killing me like that.

 

[Aeshi]

Dawn of War II the Last Stand:

I died next to a remote bomb I had placed and one of my teammates teleported over to revive me. However he had the "Juiced-Up Tellypora" item (which adds an explosion effect to his teleport) and he had chosen to teleport next to my bomb...Whoops

 

[Blue Hero]

Recon snipers in Battlefield: Bad Company 2. Sitting up on there hill in rush, completely ignoring the mcom stations, getting 1 kill every 3 minutes, never spotting enemies. I've only had 1 good experience with a full team of recon snipers in BF:BC2.

 

[Odinsson]

D&D 4th Ed, in the Eberron setting. One of our party, a Shade Blackguard who was next to useless at anything because he tried to be stealthy when he couldn't, and tried to get into fights he couldn't win, walked onto a trap that sent a 50-foot tall pillar rising out of the floor. A bunch of spiders attacked the rest of us, and we were doing fine. Another spider climbs the pillar. Our Blackguard kicked it off the top, and it lay crippled at the bottom. Instead of leaving it there for one of us to deal with, he jumps off the pillar, lands on the spider and nearly kills himself. That was the one kill he got in that encounter out of 5 spiders and 7 stirges.

 

[Zeema]

TF2 engineers who don't build teleporters
TF2 mass spies and snipers
TF2 medic-spamming heavy
TF2 medic who ignores everyone else in favor of their heavy

Concur

also i played Battlefield once and there were 3 Snipers all long range sniping from one position. no Beacon

i was the 4th person and the Medic