tell me a joke......

[Datalord]

Ok, so there is a brit, a frenchie, and a russian (is there a shorter word for russian) are all looking at a painting of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden,
The Brit says: "They look so calm, they must be british"
The Frenchie says: "Oh, non non non, they are naked and so beautiful, they must be french oh ho ho"
The Russian says: "You are both wrong, they have no clothing, no shelter, they only have apples to eat, and they are told that they are in paradise, Clearly they are russian"

its funnier if you add the british, french, and russian accents

 

[Sonicron]

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says, "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" But the second guy just shakes his head. He says, "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

 

[FallenRainbows]

Spoiler: Might be offensive to other Americans

Knock knock

Who's there?

9/11

9/11 who?

You said you'd never forget!

EDIT: Not original, I think it's from xkcd.

Am I a terrible person for loving that?

 

[Scunner]

A Duck is waiting on the side of a road, waiting to cross it.

Seeing him, a Chicken rushes up to him and says "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it."

 

[G1eet]

Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners and says "I'd like to have this stain removed from my shirt."

Being hard of hearing, the man at the counter says, "Come again?"

Monica responds, "No, this time it's ice cream."

 

[KjellKanon]

Two Drums and a Cymbal fall off a cliff.. *badum dum phishh*

A man was rushed into hospital with a toy horse stuck up his arse. Doctors last night described his condition as stable.

 

[Julianking93]

If easily offended, don't click

[spoiler/]As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"[/spoiler]

[spoiler/]How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.[/spoiler]

And I saved the longest for last.

[spoiler/]There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."[/spoiler]

 

[Emperorpeng]

How do you know if a blonde is on your Olympic team?

She has her gold medal bronzed.

 

[Samuel Cook]

I can only remember this one at the moment.. Watch out, It's a rude one!

Spoiler

A 14 year old gypsy sits down outside her parent's caravan with an anxious look on her face, her mother sits down next to her and asks what the matter is, the daughter looks at her mother and replies "I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin, does this mean my brother's gay?"

 

[War Penguin]

This one's kinda long and I'm not sure what the difference would be if written so here goes...

Spoiler

Two guys are trying to get a job. The boss running the job has no ears and is easily offended by it. The first guy walks into the office and the boss says to notice a distinguishing feature about him. The guys says "you don't have any ears". The boss gets angry and says "yeah, and you don't have a job. Get out". Being a nice person, he warns the next guy not to mention that the boss doesn't have any ears. The next guy walks in and the boss asks the same question as before. The guys responds with "you wear contacts when you read". The boss says "yeah, how'd you know?" "Well I figure you can't wear glasses. They'd just fall off because you don't have any ears."

Not the best but I was laughing pretty hard when I first heard it.

 

[azurawolf]

What is worse then ten babies in a trashcan?

Spoiler

One baby in ten trashcans

Spoiler: Might be offensive to other Americans

Knock knock

Who's there?

9/11

9/11 who?

You said you'd never forget!

EDIT: Not original, I think it's from xkcd.

Am I a terrible person for loving that?

No because I thought it was funny too.

 

[TomCorf]

There was once a woman with three kids, all of whom were girls. One day, the first born child says to her mum, 'why am I called Rose?' 'because the first thing that fell on your head was a rose.' her mum replies. Then the second born child comes in and says 'why am i called Petal?' 'because the first thing that fell on your head was a petal.' her mum says. The third born child then enters and says' UNGA BUNGA ARRGGHHHLL!' her mum then turns to her and then says 'shut up, fridge'