The Escapist Advice Thread

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Crash the network of a local banking company and steal all the funds that you are able to get your grummy little hands on.

Dear Mr or Mrs Escape, how do I dinner?

 

[username sucks]

Simply ease. You food out and stove it, but pans. Need add butter salt.

Dear Escapist, how do I succeed while remaining lazy?

 

[Teoes]

Easy - you just aim to be lazy.

Dear Escapist, what do I do about my urge to punch you all?

 

[Barbas]

Because of Kevin Costner, the man who spoke in an American accent in such classics as 'Robin Hood'.

Dear Escapist, how do I walk through the wall into the next room?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

You aint getting out mate, there is no way out or in to the room you are in.

Dear Escapist, how do I ARF ARF ARF ARF!

 

[Barbas]

I find it helps to think about squirrels. That way, you space out and time passes by faster.

Dear Escapist, just how exactly do I crouch under the first door in Dai-Katana?

 

[Teoes]

You're going to love my nuts.

Dear Escapist, is this bad?

 

[Barbas]

Yes, that is very bad. Put it away, please. And have the nurse see to it.

Dear Escapist, how can I stop the tide from going in and coming out again like a silly goose?

 

[username sucks]

Go buy some bottled science and pour it on the coastline.

Dear Escapist, how does one acquire bottled science?

 

[Barbas]

Via the Illuminati.

Dear Escapist, how do I find my local Illuminati chapter?

 

[Teoes]

You don't find them. They find you.

Dear Escapist, how do I find Barbas?

 

[Barbas]

By standing in the right spot on Nirn, where the curtain between the realm of Daedra and the realm of mortals is sufficiently thin, then pressing ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A.

Dear Escapist, how do I use chopsticks?

 

[StormShaun]

First you grab some razor wire and tie them to your fingers ... then you grab a bowl full of wasabi and start drowning in it.

Dear Escapist, how do I spend my birthday? (Which was yesterday/29th)

 

[Barbas]

You press your face to the plate so that the burger has nowhere to run, then open your gaping maw of razor teeth and envelop it like a descending parachute.

Dear Escapist, how do I siwm?

 

[username sucks]

Siwming is an ancient practice that has been lost to the trials of time. To master it, you must make a pilgrimage to the lost temple of... things... and face its horrors until you reach the hear of the ruins, where the answer will come to you in a vision that may or may not drive you insane.

Dear Escapist. Why don.t I remember how to use any punctuation besides periods.

 

[Barbas]

I have found that my knowledge of the English language has improved immeasurably just from the practice of scanning the pages of a well-written book, then smacking myself vigorously in the face with it. I think it's a proximity thing; the more I mash pages into my face, the better I learn.

Dear Escapist, where do seagulls go?