The Escapist Advice Thread

[BQE]

Easy, you simply get a new back.

Dear Escapist, why is nobody srs bsns anymore?

 

[Dr.Susse]

Because of that sentence.
Yes a time traveler saw that sentence and caused a temporal shift.

Dear escapist why am I afraid of the dark?

 

[jesse220]

Because of the man-eating monster under your bed.

Dear escapist, I hate shopping for clothes but I need more, what should I get?

 

[EeveeElectro]

A binbag. Practical, fashionable, comfortable and versatile!

Dear 'pist 'ow do yoo fick a brok'n jaw?

 

[BQE]

We can rebuild it....stonger, faster, better than it was before. Oh wait nevermind, it's fatal. I'm sorry.

Dear Escapist, when will the Heat Death of the Universe happen?

 

[jesse220]

Never, science is a hoax.

Dear Escapist, how can I cool down when I don't have AC?

 

[Teoes]

Wet yourself, then go for a jog. The liquid will cool you down.

Dear Escapist, what does BQE stand for?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Barbaric Queasily Enigmatic.

Dear Escapist, how can I get a copy of Pokémon Y?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Beat up a kid and steal it.

Dear Escapist, how do I outrun police?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Beat up a police man and steal his vehicle.

Dear Escapist, how do I not throw up?

 

[username sucks]

Beat up yourself and steal your organs.

Dear Escapist, how do I know what I want to do?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Drop your pants and look down until something pops up.

Dear Escapist, how do I drive a brum brum car?

 

[Barbas]

Erratically.

How does one extract one's head from a tin of beans??? The beans are still in it and it's all soggy and oh god please reply soon.

 

[Teoes]

Hold still and I'll use a tin opener to cut the other end off, so you can be pushed out. Damn. I don't have a tin opener. Anyone have an axe?

Dear Escapist, how do I beat someone up?

 

[EeveeElectro]

Yank on their penis until stuff happens.


Dear Escapist, how do I cure boredom?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

Unfortunately, we have to put you down. There is no cure.

Dear escapist, OHH GOD IT HURTS!! HOW CAN I DEAL WITH THE PAIN!!!!

 

[Teoes]

Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills. *cocks shotgun*

Dear Escapist, how best to wash pesky bloodstains out of the carpet?

 

[Barbas]

Liberal applications of jam should solve your problem.

Dear Escapist, how do I rock down to Electric Avenue?

 

[Barbas]

You have to make the upside-down horizontal sign of the devil. Bonus points for scrunching up your facial features while you shoot.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop a plummeting aircraft in Microsoft Excel?