The Escapist Advice Thread

[Teoes]

They cook your meals, they haul your trash, they connect your calls, they drive your ambulances. They guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with them.

Dear Escapist, how do I doge meme?

 

[Barbas]

With ASCII art.

Dear Escapist, how do I summon the spirit of Quyxotclotlpotlsporkenbacker?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

You kill the Doge, no not a regular dog. You kill THE Doge! Then something about putting his blood all over your face and something along those lines.

Dear Escapist, how do I evolve into a Linoone and where can I find a decent avatar image of a Linoone considering it's getting pretty close?

 

[Barbas]

You must climb the mountain of Google and

Spoiler: cleverly concealed link

offer a sacrifice of one boiled egg and a packet of cheese and onion crisps at the statue of Malacath.

Dear Escapist, where are my pantaloons? It is nearly time for dinner.

 

[kailus13]

You don't wear them. Here's your kilt.

Dear Escapist. How do I skype?

 

[Barbas]

You have to touch the bass.

Dear Escapist, what's a Politic?

 

[Roxas1359]

It's a part of the forum we don't like to talk about. You can do see how bad it is if you want?

Dear Escapist, how do I use the toilet?

 

[username sucks]

First, enter area surrounding toilet. Next, pull down pants and undergarments. Finally, empty your bowels and walk away, with or without pants pulled back up.

Dear Escapist, how do I destroy the sun?

 

[Dr.Susse]

It's simple! You must first get a government assassination to set up a new regime of power named the universal expansion society. After that it's just a matter of harvesting all the Uranium in Australia and firing it directly into the heart of the sun thus wiping out the Solar system.

Or you could just wait for it to explode naturally.

Dear Escapist; How do I concentrate my ramblings?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Large amounts of Adderall. Prescriptions and maximum dosages are for wimps.

Dear the Escapist, how do I get consequence free wishes?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

You fucking blackmail the genie of course.

Dear MR/MRS Escaping, how can I get some sake?

 

[Barbas]

You have to climb Mt. Fuji. There is definitely an old man at the top who sells sake.

Dear Escapist, how do I make enemies?

 

[Morsomk_v1legacy]

*Throws down the platter* YOU JUST MADE ONE!

Dear monsieur or mesdemoiselle how do I get myself out of this trouble?

 

[Barbas]

You get the special mint out. You know the one. It is time.

Dear Escapist, what's the Japanese for "show me the money"?

 

[kailus13]

The Japanese would never have so classless a phrase!

Dear Escapist, when do you think I should eat?

 

[Barbas]

All day every day.

Dear Escapist, what rhymes with "Lemon"?

 

[EeveeElectro]

To find out you must do the journey up to the mountain of old.

Dear Escapist, how do I get rid of this cough?

 

[Barbas]

I recommend copious amounts of alcohol. One massive hangover later and you'll forget you even had problems as minor as a bad cough! It's scientifically proven to work!

Dear Escapist, how do I find out how many calories are in my butter?

 

[kailus13]

Burn it and observe the flame.

Dear Escpist, how do I answer a captcha?

 

[Barbas]

You need to get the AK-47 out and spray liberally at your screen.

Dear Escapist, how do I make the perfect soufflé?