Sam slowly rose from the floor. Well, some of him did; as he pulled himself to his feet, which refused to lie flat on the ground and instead insisted on floating a few inches above it, his body remained on the ground. Sam glanced at his hand and spotted that he was still clothed (damn shame, that. Dead chicks would be missing out), though his flesh and clothes had taken on a transparent sheen. Sam held his hand up to his face and looked through it at Death. "Cool..."
Sam lowered his hand and cleared his throat. "Sorry, what did you say? My "beliefs"? Well, I'd have to say I'm an atheist, so it looks like I'm headed for boring ol' oblivion for the rest of my days... fuck. I hate oblivion."
Death checked the clipboard in his hands, reading up on his latest client. "It says here you've died three times in the past, and every time you've gone to Hell; this being in addition to a... shall we say "day trip" you took there while still living." Death peered over the top of the clipboard at Sam. "Are you quite sure you're an atheist?"
"Well, I dunno... I s'pose the whole idea of gods just seems a bit silly to me. I mean, you can trust me to know; I've met most of 'em. Bunch of nutters, to tell ya the truth..." Sam glanced knowingly at Death, then smiled as a thought occurred to him. "So, sorry... I can just decide where I wanna go, then? I could just say "I'm a good Christian, take me to eternal paradise" and I'd get shipped off to Heaven? Tell you what, I like the sound o' that..."
Sam grinned and stood up straight. "Death, my old chum, I've changed my mind. Sorry, I was wrong when I said I was an atheist. That was a slip of the tongue. What I meant to say is, "I am a wonderful christian, praise be to Allah an' all that, now let me go to heaven now please"." Sam flashed a thumbs-up in the direction of Heaven.
Death glanced upwards, awaiting verification. Sure enough, a pair of pearly gates appeared in front of him and Sam, swinging open. Sam grinned widely once again and started to stroll towards the gates when a figure stepped out and raised a hand to stop him.
"You're a christian, you said, right?" the figure asked. He was dressed in a white suit with a pair of feathery wings sticking out of the back, and on his face he wore a pair of dark-rimmed sunglasses.
"Yep, that is correct! I really am pretty fond of Jesus, I don't mind telling you! Good ol' Jesus!" Sam continued to grin, though his eyes were starting to display signs of panic. "Is there... is there a problem, officer?"
"Mister G... are you aware that christians aren't supposed to..." the angel flipped a notebook out of his pocket and began reading off Sam's list of sins. "Kill, steal, torture, berate, wipe out civilizations, consort with satanic figures, walk around shirtless or have sex with men?"
Sam took a minute to process this. "Dude... your religion sucks!"
The angel seemed to take offense at this, and Sam was about to apologize when he slammed the gates shut without another word before turning and walking away, the gates fading away into the air as he went.
"Aww... does this mean...?" Sam asked, his shoulders slumping.
"Yep," Death replied unsympathetically.
"Again...?"
"Again."
"Fine..." Dragging his feet, Sam turned and made his way over to the fiery black cave-mouth that had risen out of the ground to their right. Before he could so much as cross the threshold to the underworld, however, another figure stepped out and stopped him.
"Nope. I don't want you either," Livingness the Youth said, standing in the way of the entrance.
"Well... where does that leave me, then?" Sam asked. "I can't go to Heaven, but I can't go to Hell, but I'm unwilling to admit that I'm not actually a christian... Where to now then, Death?"
"Hmm... have you ever heard the story of Jack o'Lantern, Sam?" Death asked.
"Bloke who got himself barred access to both afterlifes, so he had to wander purgatory for all eternity? Yeah, what about 'im? Oh, shit," Sam blurted, as he realized what Death was getting at.
"Yep," Death said, handing Sam a flashlight.
"Damn," Sam muttered, turning again to face the third door that had appeared. He twisted the knob and pushed it open, looking out into the abysmal void of darkness that lay ahead of him.
"So... this is it, then? This is the end of me? Ah, alright; I was starting to get a bit tired anyway..." Sam tried to keep his smile on his face, but failed and had to look away from the blackness, turning back to Death. "Well, since I never really got a chance to reveal what this thing was really about... could you give this to Fearne for me, please? I've taken a liking to the girl. I think she might be able to use it better than I could." Sam held out his hand, the mysterious charm held in his fist, and gave it to Death.
Then he turned back and wandered off into oblivion.
And meanwhile, in the land of the living, Fearne looked up from the scrap of Maddawg's clothing she'd managed to steal and realized something was amiss. "Where's Sam gone...?"
