Last time on...THE LOGICIAN'S ADVENTURES said:
Dante: Nothing happened. This is the first episode.
Randal: Yeah, so quit fucking around and get to the plot.
Jay: Skoosh to the Noosh!
The room was illuminated by a single candle sitting on the center of the table. Two robed men sat on either end of it; one in black and one in red. The black-robed character was young, pale, and had long, dark hair; the red robed character could not be seen beneath his robes, and did not breathe so much as gasp.
"So what you're telling me is...you were traveling with these guys..."
"Uh-hu"
"Who happen to be fighting Gannondorf, a Sith and a cyborg..."
"A cyborg who used to be on the other team, mind..."
"And they all went to
hell..."
"They were teleported. By a nymph."
"And you couldn't go because you defamed Hell...somehow."
"I painted it blue and green. With ponies."
"...why?"
"People seemed unhappy, so I thought I'd cheer the place up."
"It's
hell."
"Well, maybe, but no one said they had to be misreble."
"I...but...And where did you get
paint in
hell?"
"Black & Deckers."
"They still have those?"
"Coincidentally, no. Damn shame, it was a good shop."
I counted no less than three references in the above conversation. And when I say 'references' I mean 'stolen jokes'. And when I say 'stolen jokes' I mean 'QUIT STEALING JOKES YOU SON OF A *****!
"Calm down, Benny. It isn't hurting anyone."
There is no possible way you can know that.
"I could make the same argument."
"Will the two of you quit bickering, I need to say something deep and meaningful!"
Who is this guy to tell either of us to shut up? You're an all-powerful reality warper blessed by the very forces of reality itself, and I'm an nigh-omnicient super-computer in command of a fleet of galaxy destroyers that could own the shit out of universes.
"A friend."
What happens if I tell him to shut his trap?
"I'd tell you to go fuck youself."
I've no doubt there's an app for that.
The mage's eyes locked with The Logician's. All sense of humor was gone. "What's the game plan?"
The Logician leaned back and shrugged. "Something like this:
1) Re-establish the idea of a plot.
2) Enact on that re-establishment.
3)...I dunno, bum around and jump off tall buildings. It was fun in Ultimate Spider-Man."
"You are aware that these guys
loathe the idea of a plot."
"I was informed."
"...that makes this a trip into dangerous territory. Are you sure you can handle it?"
Seriously. He summons Chuck Norris. I blast planets with Death Star rays. I think we can handle ourselves.
"Shiny. Have fun being bad guys."
"Yeah, we'll-wait, what?"
"All actions have reprocussions, Keeper. Think of this as yours."
The Logician opened his mouth to say something, closed it, took a deep breath, and crossed his hands under his nose. "It's a hell of a thing. They could just ignore me. In fact, that's probably what they're going to do."
If you contemplate on all the ways this could go wrong, we'll be here all day. Are we going to start or not?
The Logician stood. "Yeah, why don't we get this train wreck moving. Thanks, old man."
The old man nodded. "Good luck. You're going to need it."
Next time on...THE LOGICIAN'S ADVENTURES said:
"My name is John Locke. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
"What do you mean, 'The green wire'? This is a very poorly made bomb..."
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
"If we don't get these antidotes across the Alaskan wilderness by dogsled then all the people in the town will die, the two universes will merge, and everyone else will die!"
"I have cancer, Logician. They gave me three days to live."
"...Chuck Norris."
Dante: Yeah, none of that is going to happen. Sorry.
Jay: Skoosh to the Noosh!
