The Friend Zone

[unoleian]

Being a friend to being a boyfriend is a difficult transition to make. I always find it easier to separate the two. Keep my shefriends as shefriends and if I want a girlfriend, its best to meet someone knew and start out on a sexual level, before she can categorise you.

I was friends with my wife before we dated. Nothing wrong with the friend zone. A proper relationship requires that you actually like hanging out with the person you're going to be spending a lot of time with.

Now, if you're just looking to bump uglies, yeah, you can't or shouldn't do that with someone that is genuinely a friend. Friend's with benefits is a tricky situation. You're friends, you have sex, but don't consider each other anything more than that: it's like saying there is actually something wrong with each other that keeps it from being more serious.

I thought we established that if they friend zone you they don't find you attractive?

Hmm. Not necessarily true at all. There was one friend of mine that I didn't think found me attractive in the least. We were just good friends. I wasn't even really interested in pursuing her at all, and really didn't. But suddenly, things happened out of nowhere. We were hall-mates with some other friends at our dorm our second year of college (we all planned it that way, for the most part), and started out simply sharing a bed every now and again. Over time that advanced to much cuddling and spooning. Then one night, it was making out. Then sex. Then, she got a boyfriend. Nothing really changed in our friendship after that experience. It was just back to the having the fun without the antics. Like, really. In retrospect, it was quite a random occurrence I never would have called or expected.

But then, I don't equate sex or a random physical attraction with any kind of love, or the development of that feeling. That's a whole other animal entirely. It's a strange beast, and a pure physical attraction is hardly ever a factor. A physical attraction isn't love. It's just lust. Love is what you find when you look past the skin and actually connect on a deeper level for whatever reason with somebody.

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

This is where the problem lies. They send mixed signals, so you can't determine the more reasonable course of action. I can say something. And I do when I get the signals. But sometimes they send you them, then they back up and fuck with you, and you don't know they're fucking with you.

Read up on non-verbal communication. Women use it way more than men do.

 

[Counter_Southpaw]

It's amazing how many problems can be solved through just random hook-ups at parties. I was sort of teetering into the friend zone with a friend of mine, and, fearing the abyss that it is, decided it was in my best interest to go on a hook-up spree.

3 girls later (one of which was her best friend), she's chasing after ME.

My advice to you is man-up; realize you do not HAVE to be her *****. Life is best lived when you are not chasing girls, but when they are chasing you.

 

[onewheeled]

I'm very familiar with the "friend zone".

See, I have a very nasty habit of falling for my good friends. And twice, I've been tossed right into the dreaded zone. It's not fun.

Though now I just tend to tell them before it gets out of hand. Most of the girls I hang out with know that I've liked them at some point, or currently do. And they don't take it too heavily, they're cool with it, since I have a girlfriend.

 

[MoganFreeman]

I have navigated myself out of the friend-zone exactly once.

What it took was a two-month break from pretty much all social contact with the lady in question.

We've been dating for a year and a half now, so I'd say it worked pretty well.

It's damned hard to do but it is possible.

 

[IxionIndustries]

I'd be lucky to even hit the fucking Friend Zone, so to be honest, I don't have a lot of an issue with it.

..Until, by some good graces of the Gods, I manage to get a girlfriend, then that'd be my top fear.

 

[SweetWarmIce]

The Friend Zone is a load of crap; if either/both of you can't get out of it. Then you simply have no attraction to each other. Hell if anything the Zone should make it easier for you to get together.

Of course this is just in my experience.

 

[Brikson]

Once a girl I liked was talking to me about how she was reminded about her boyfriend. She said to me that she wanted to find a guy who was like him, cool and didn't care about problems in life, bla bla bla. I told her "I'm busy right now (I was doing nothing), maybe you can tell your sad stories to one of your female friends." and walked away.

She now knows that I don't deal with friend zone bullshit. You guys need to try that: just act like you don't care and have more important things to do.

Nope. Don't do this. Guys I am a girl and I am telling you if you want to not be in the friend zone, crossing over to the asshole zone is not the solution.

Being an asshole is the best way to get out of the friend zone. I mean it's doubtful she'll talk to you again, let alone date you, but your not in the zone.

 

[Death916]

the friend zone for me always turns into gf. thats just how i do it

 

[Spinozaad]

There is no 'Friend Zone'. It's a mental construction that, if anything, only blocks you from getting what you want. There's just 'friends' and 'a good friend whom I bang', with the latter coming in different gradations of romanticism. Ranging from 'friend with benefits' to 'the love of my life.'

If you're thinking in concepts like 'the Friend Zone', you're officially taking the situation too hard. It's just a girl (or a guy, if you happen to swing that way). No doubt a nice one, too. But nothing more. If there's no romantic or lustful spark, just take your loss, accept the friendship (which can be very rewarding on its own) and move on to the next one.

 

[Lineoutt]

Once a girl I liked was talking to me about how she was reminded about her boyfriend. She said to me that she wanted to find a guy who was like him, cool and didn't care about problems in life, bla bla bla. I told her "I'm busy right now (I was doing nothing), maybe you can tell your sad stories to one of your female friends." and walked away.

She now knows that I don't deal with friend zone bullshit. You guys need to try that: just act like you don't care and have more important things to do.

Nope. Don't do this. Guys I am a girl and I am telling you if you want to not be in the friend zone, crossing over to the asshole zone is not the solution.

Fine. We'll do that when you stop torturing us with mixed signals and leading us on over the span of several months.

See the other side of the story?

Lol, the situation you describe varies from person to person. Besides, on our side of the story its not all fun and games either. Trust me. Hoping a guy likes you and trying to get him to notice you without telling him outright (to preserve your dignity of course) is a big challenge.

 

[fishman279]

Well basically that's it. Ideas?

Man up. Tell her yourself.

Well that's the advice I got from about 3 people. I can't even find any reasons not to any more. I think the thing that's making me reluctant is that she's a good friend and it would kinda ruin it either way, us breaking up (I'm terrible at relationships, as you can tell) or her rejecting me.

Okay, ask yourself if that fear is worth having to sit back and watch her date more arseholes, knowing that you never even tried?

No... No it's not. But it'd kill me if she says no. I actually had an experience a few years back where I liked this girl and never said anything, and now we're really good friends. And completely the opposite last year, we were really good friends and it kinda died after I asked her out. It sounds pathetic, I know, but I'm just really worried/scared that when she rejects me she'll go off me.

 

[fishman279]

Well basically that's it. Ideas?

Man up. Tell her yourself.

Well that's the advice I got from about 3 people. I can't even find any reasons not to any more. I think the thing that's making me reluctant is that she's a good friend and it would kinda ruin it either way, us breaking up (I'm terrible at relationships, as you can tell) or her rejecting me.

Okay, ask yourself if that fear is worth having to sit back and watch her date more arseholes, knowing that you never even tried?

Told her. Got rejected. Feel like shit. Friendship over... Brilliant lol

 

[Mr Montmorency]

Talk to BonsaiK. He has a massive relationship problem thread. He solves several problems in one day.

 

[Grand_Marquis]

I never understood this phrase. Every girlfriend I've ever had, I was friends with first. I don't go out with girls I don't know. That's just weird. Also some of the best couples I've known also treated each other as good friends.

Is there some misconception out there that you can't be friends with the opposite sex? Or is the phrase just a misnomer for social incompetence?

In case no one explained or you didn't read the thread after you posted, the friend zone is when your attracted to a girl for whatever reasons and your goal is sex/relationship/whatever. But when you try to make a move on said girl she says, "Oh....I'm sorry if I gave you wrong signals but I think of you just as a friend. I'm so sorry I just don't like you that way." Or something like that, basically she doesn't think that your physically attractive enough. I mean after all, some beautiful blind girl isn't going to fall in love with us on our personality alone. This isn't Mask or some other cheap Hollywood feel-good movie.

Ah, I see now
So it IS a misnomer for social incompetence.

 

[RhombusHatesYou]

Okay, ask yourself if that fear is worth having to sit back and watch her date more arseholes, knowing that you never even tried?

Told her. Got rejected. Feel like shit. Friendship over... Brilliant lol

However, you have learned a valuable lesson on collapsing probability waveforms. Next time you'll know to lock the girl in a box with a radioactive isotope and a vial of poison so she'll be simultaneously in both states of dating and not dating you... and Schroedinger thought that shit only worked on cats.

 

[Souplex]

There is no friend zone, people who think they're stuck in it, just aren't dateable.