The Joke Topic (literally)

[Drake the Dragonheart]

An engineer, a doctor, and a lawyer are going to be executed by guillotine. So the doctor is put on the block, but the blade stops halfway. Sensing an opportunity, the priest jumps to his feet exclaiming "this is a sign from god this man is to be sparred."
So the lawyer is put on the block. Again the blade stops halfway. Once again "God wills that this man's life not end today."
So the engineer is put on the block when he springs to his feet and yells "I see the problem!"

 

[Glerken]

Welcome to the Escapist.

Why did the camel cross the lake?
IT DIDN'T THERE ARE NO LAKES IN EGYPT DON'T BE STUPID!

You are mistaken. I've been to Egypt, and there are lakes. And Igloos. I will bet you six hundred dollars, it's all in the Sahara desert.

http://www.saudiaramcoworld.com/issue/198101/the.lakes.of.egypt.htm
Definitely lakes.

 

[Lord_Ascendant]

Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff

Ba-dum-tish

 

[blankedboy]

Anyway, I should put a joke on.

Three women are going to be executed - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
The redhead whispers, 'Follow my lead', and walks up to the platform. The conductor calls out to the executioner.
'Ready...'
'Aim...'
'TORNADO!' yells the brunette. Everyone scatters.
Later, the brunette is to be executed.
'Ready...'
'Aim...'
'EARTHQUAKE!' she yells. Everyone scatters again.
Later, the blonde walks up to the platform.
'Ready...'
'Aim...'
'FIRE!' she yells.

 

[Evertw]

A surgeon, a architect and a politician are discussing who has the oldest profession.

The surgeon says:"God created Eve out of Adams ribs, sounds like surgery to me."

The architect says:"God created and order out of chaos, sounds like architecture to me."

The politician says:"Ah yes, but the must have been someone to cause chaos first."

 

[Evilvikingking]

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks

 

[Evilvikingking]

Anyway, I should put a joke on.

Three women are going to be executed - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
The redhead whispers, 'Follow my lead', and walks up to the platform. The conductor calls out to the executioner.
'Ready...'
'Aim...'
'TORNADO!' yells the brunette. Everyone scatters.
Later, the brunette is to be executed.
'Ready...'
'Aim...'
'EARTHQUAKE!' she yells. Everyone scatters again.
Later, the blonde walks up to the platform.
'Ready...'
'Aim...'
'FIRE!' she yells.

lol

 

[Evilvikingking]

Bring it on I've got loads...

What happens when you spill carpet cleaner?

 

[Bigfatstupid]

Aww, most of these jokes I'm seeing, aren't very good. I remember a couple from my dad and sister though.

Let's see. . .

Three Black Men, who'd recently escaped their slave master by stealing a life boat while traveling on a ship, soon found themselves stranded on a deserted island. Searching around the island, one of the men acidentally finds a bottle and a genie pops out.

" Since you've freed me from my prison. I shall grant each of you one wish!" The mystical being offers them.

Amazed by the offer, one of the black men steps foreward. " I wish I was white!" He said.

"Granted!" The Genie replied, and with a -Poof!- the black man, was now white.

"Oh wow, look at me, I'm white!" The man said, examining his new body with joy. Until he noticed his two black friends. "Ew, get the hell away from me, ya niggas!" He screamed at the two shocked men.

"You now have two wishes left!" The genie reminded the three.

Immiediatly, the next black men step foreward. " I wish I was white too!" The second black man said.

"Granted!" The Genie replied, and with another -Poof!- the second black man, became white.

"Oh wow, I'm white!" The second white man said as he rejoiced with the first white man. Until he turned to the last black man. "Ew, get away from me, ya dirty nigga!" He exclaimed just like the first did.

"What are you talking about?! Fellas it's me! Remember, how we all escaped together?!" The last black man reminded the other two. But they rejected his words and went back to admiring their new forms.

"And what is your last wish?" The genie asked. Turning to the last black man.

With a smile, the last black man said. " Turn these two assholes, black again!"

 

[SpikedDeception]

... *Sigh* ... Brace yourselves.

A frog calmly walks into a bank and steps up to the teller. He bows his head and asks that the bank lend him a large sum of money to pay off a few debts. The teller, a woman by the name of Patricia H. Whack, was surprised by his request.
"I'm sorry, sir," Patricia says, "But we do not know you, and we have never done business with you before!"
Again, the frog asks for the money.
"Sir, I repeat, I'm sorry, we cannot help you here! We would need some sort of collateral!"
The frog thinks for a moment, then reaches into his coat pocket, pulls out a collectible figurine of a puppy, and sits it by the window.
"This is your collateral? I'm sorry, sir," Patricia said, becoming aggravated, "But this will certainly not do! I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
The frog calmly replied that he would like to speak to the bank's manager.

Inside the office, Patrica explain to her boss the events that occurred outside. As she finished, she held out the 2 inch puppy and asked, "And he gave me this! What *is* this!?"

Her boss replied,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan."

...

OH GOD, I'M SORRY... That was so bad. XD

 

[Bigfatstupid]

>.>

O.M.G.

*Hangs himself*

 

[razer17]

a seal walks into a club.
ouch!

 

[Datalord]

OK. so a blonde and brunette, a redhead, a dwarf, a monkey, a doctor, a lawyer, a redneck, Olly, Lena, Sven, a Pole, a German, an Asian, and a Pirate walk into a bar, then the bartender says, what is this? a joke?

Ba-dum tish

 

[C0RV4L0U5]

life is like one big joke. and as i read on a mens urinale the joke is in your hand. -some fraiser episode

 

[Simalacrum]

a set of drums falls down a cliff.

*da-bum-tish*

 

[Deleric]

How many ninjas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nobody knows, the light bulb just lights up randomly.

 

[ThreeWords]

What's green and invisible?

Spoiler: Answer

This cabbage

 

[SharPhoe]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but light bulb has to want to change.

How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW, MAAAN! YOU WEREN'T THEEEEERE!!

How do you titillate an ocelot?
You oscillate his tit-a-lot.

 

[Kellerb]

why did the chicken cross the road?

HIS HOUSE GOT BOMBED LEAVE HIM ALONE YOU DAFT PELICAN!!!!!

...i apologise.

 

[Flap Jack452]

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A boy fell in mud.
Wanna hear a clean joke? He took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a really dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

Yeah, I know, lame.

Haha, someone told me that when i was in first grade.

My joke: *text text text text* Your mum.