The Joke Topic (literally)

[Goldeneye103X2]

This onee's rather vulgar, but whatever.

A man walks into a pub and asks for a bear. The bartender serves him the bear and the man downs it."Another" he asks, so the bartender serves, and the man downs."another" The man demands, and the bartender serves. "You look really depressed tonight" Says the bartender."What happened?" The man replies:"Ten years. Ten years i've ben married to my wife. i Come home after a long day of work, and i see my wife having sex with my best friend.""And what did you say to him?", the bartender asks. And the man replies:







"BAD DOG. BAD, BAD DOG!"
Sorry, i couldn't resist telling you this joke. Don't report me please.

 

[Xvito]

I haven't taken the time to officially welcome people to The Escapist in my Formal Capacity as Forum President in a while so, allow me to introduce myself.

I am Darth Mobius, Lord Of The Sith, Escapist President, Grand Admiral of the Knight Stalker Fleet, Thirty Dreadnought Cruisers, Twenty Carrack Cruisers, Twenty-Four New Republic class Star Destroyers, and Three Super Star Destroyers, The Ragnarok, the Fallacious Reasoning and the Misleading Statistic.

You can find the cookies and beer scattered through various threads, as promised in my election campaign, as well as a pool in every yard, house, and horizontal surface. If you would like, there is still time to earn a 401K by Joining my political party, The SDP.

Please feel free to make yourself at home, but you are highly encouraged to follow the guidelines laid out by our Moderators. Enjoy your stay at The Escapist.

What is this...? A joke.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

 

[dmase]

Not that im aware of.

Directed at dmase, forgot to quote.

My mistake

 

[nolongerhere]

A bear and a rabbit meet a frog in the woods.
The frog says "I am a magical frog, and as you have both found me, I will give you each three wishes."
The bear gets in first, saying " I wish every other bear in the forest was a woman."
The rabbit goes "I wish I had a helmet."
Bear "I wish that every other bear in the country was a woman."
Rabbit "I wish I had a motorcycle."
Bear "I wish every other bear in the world was a woman."
The rabbit then puts on the helmet, guns the motorbike, turns around and says "I wish he was gay."

 

[Fairee]

OH GOD, I'M SORRY... That was so bad. XD

That wasn't bad. It made me chuckle at this ungodly hour.

I have an awesome prawn joke, but the amount of atheists on here means it may not be truly appreciated. And it's long, and I'm too tired to type it all out.

 

[AdmiralWolverineLightningbolt]

being shot in the face

 

[Learchuz]

A priest, a vampire, and a whale walk into the bar.

The priest, having not had communion in a while, asks for some wine. The bartender complies and gives him some bread along with it.
The vampire sits down and orders a Bloody Mary, but with some real blood. The bartender complies, mixing the drink, then cutting his finger and dropping some into the drink.

The bartender looks at the whale and says, "Well Mr. Whale, what'll ya have?" The whale thinks for a moment before going WWOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOAAAAaaaOOOOO WUUUUURRRBLE GURRRBLE!!!!

 

[SniperWolf427]

Good evening ladies and gentlemen.

So a baby seal walks into a club.

*ba dum pish*

....Man i suck.

Annnnnd i totally didn't see the nearly identical joke above me. Sorry about that folks. I'll just get the fuck out of here now....

 

[renner-08]

A priest, a vampire, and a whale walk into the bar.

The priest, having not had communion in a while, asks for some wine. The bartender complies and gives him some bread along with it.
The vampire sits down and orders a Bloody Mary, but with some real blood. The bartender complies, mixing the drink, then cutting his finger and dropping some into the drink.

The bartender looks at the whale and says, "Well Mr. Whale, what'll ya have?" The whale thinks for a moment before going WWOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOAAAAaaaOOOOO WUUUUURRRBLE GURRRBLE!!!!

....?

or did i miss something?

 

[Learchuz]

A priest, a vampire, and a whale walk into the bar.

The priest, having not had communion in a while, asks for some wine. The bartender complies and gives him some bread along with it.
The vampire sits down and orders a Bloody Mary, but with some real blood. The bartender complies, mixing the drink, then cutting his finger and dropping some into the drink.

The bartender looks at the whale and says, "Well Mr. Whale, what'll ya have?" The whale thinks for a moment before going WWOOOOOOOOooooooOOOOAAAAaaaOOOOO WUUUUURRRBLE GURRRBLE!!!!

....?

or did i miss something?

PST! Whales can't talk.

 

[flare09]

Step 1: Choose someone that you see regularly.
Step 2: Say "Hey <insert name here."
Step 3: Repeat these two jokes about ever 2 minutes: I was going to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patience. And I wanted to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.

It's fun, trust me.

 

[SpartanTnT]

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.

 

[Xvito]

What is this...? A joke.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

No, I was bored, and as I said, I haven't used my official Capacity as Forum President to welcome anyone in a while... Besides, the new elections will be held in August, and I will miss being the Forum President. I have to get what mileage out of the Title that I can...

Wait... What!?

You're seriously the President... Woah!

 

[Blood_Lined]

As seen on a few rare car bumper stickers: "Warning! In case of rapture, car will swerve as mother-in-law takes the wheel!"

When I first saw this bumper sticker a while back I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

 

[Nivag the Owl]

What do pirates eat for breakfast?
ARRRRRRR I dunno

 

[Sennz0r]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts to do it.

 

[Sennz0r]

Sorry double post. Apologies.