The Maiden Name Conundrum

[Sariteiya]

So here's the deal, my boyfriend and I intend to get married, but I'd like to retain my Maiden Name, partly because it means a great deal to me, and partly because it's a huge hassle to change my name on every legal document ever.

The trouble is, we both want kids. What last name do we end up giving them? Hyphenating is not an option, we both have long last names, and I don't want to do that to our kids. I've discussed this with a lot of people and no one seems to have a good answer, so I thought I'd source the internet. Ideas?

 

[pffh]

Your last name for the girls and his for the boys?

 

[Kpt._Rob]

Combine both of your last names into one super-last name? Not by hyphenating, just kind of jamming them together. For instance if his last name is Smith and your last name is Johnson, you could be the Smithsons or the Johniths.

In all seriousness though. It kind of sounds like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. If you don't want to hyphenate, then you'll have to pick a name. If the debate over whose name to use is so big that it threatens to tear your relationship apart, maybe that ought to tell you something you need to know. If both of you value having your own name, over being with the other, then you might have some serious thinking to do.

 

[SoopaSte123]

You could do what my parents did; My middle name is my mother's maiden name while my last name is my father's. Same with my sister.

 

[Aris Khandr]

Decide together which surname sounds better for each potential child as the time comes?

 

[JoJo]

I would say pick one surname or the other for your kids, having different ones for different children within one family will confuse people as they expect the kids to all have the same surname. Perhaps do a deal with your boyfriend so whoever's surname doesn't get used gets to pick the first names instead?

 

[Sariteiya]

Decide together which surname sounds better for each potential child as the time comes?

I kind of liked this idea, but the trouble would be that there might be some kind of implied favoritism, as in whichever kid got my last name would be viewed as "My favorite" ect.

 

[Aris Khandr]

Decide together which surname sounds better for each potential child as the time comes?

I kind of liked this idea, but the trouble would be that there might be some kind of implied favoritism, as in whichever kid got my last name would be viewed as "My favorite" ect.

I'm not sure how you could have a favorite before the child is even born. "She kicked me less, so I like her more?"

 

[Sylvius the Mad]

Okay, first question, why are you getting married? Your relationship doesn't need government approval. And that's all marriage really is: permission.

Second, I have children, and my partner and I aren't married. We have different surnames.

We decided to give the first child my name, knowing that we'd decide what to do with the next one when the time came. It didn't, so there's just the one, and she has my name.

Whatever you two decide on will be fine. If you want to invent a brand new name for the kids, go ahead. There's no real reason why they need to share a name with either of you.

 

[Micalas]

Just don't get married. It doesn't do anything but cost you money. The ceremony is an outdated waste of time.

If you try to play the "but it's tradition!" card then I'm going to smuggly point out that taking your husband's last name is also tradition.

 

[gazumped]

I have a couple of friends, brothers, one of them has their dad's surname and the other has their mum's.

Yeah, occasionally people are like "oh, you're brothers? How comes you have different surnames?" But that's an annoyance at worst and an icebreaker at best.

And just... flip a coin for whoever gets to name the first kid after themselves.

 

[Phlakes]

Name him Optimus Prime Freeman. Done.

OT: Maybe... Nah, totally Optimus Prime Freeman.

 

[Sariteiya]

Decide together which surname sounds better for each potential child as the time comes?

I kind of liked this idea, but the trouble would be that there might be some kind of implied favoritism, as in whichever kid got my last name would be viewed as "My favorite" ect.

I'm not sure how you could have a favorite before the child is even born. "She kicked me less, so I like her more?"

Well obviously we wouldn't have favorites before they're born, you're right, but people make stupid assumptions.

 

[Sariteiya]

Just don't get married. It doesn't do anything but cost you money. The ceremony is an outdated waste of time.

If you try to play the "but it's tradition!" card then I'm going to smuggly point out that taking your husband's last name is also tradition.

We don't plan on having much of a ceremony at all. Just a town hall marriage and then a BBQ afterwards. We pretty much function as a married couple already. To be honest the only reason I want to get married is so I can stop calling him my Boyfriend and start calling him my Husband. It just seems less High Schoolish to me.

 

[Aris Khandr]

Well obviously we wouldn't have favorites before they're born, you're right, but people make stupid assumptions.

People are going to make stupid assumptions anyway, based on the fact that you two don't share a surname. Explain the situation to them, and they'll either get it or not. And if they don't, they're probably not worth talking to a whole lot more.

 

[Thaluikhain]

Whichever surname is a combination of easiest to spell and pronounce, but is less common so to avoid them getting mixed up with everyone else with that name.

 

[Micalas]

Just don't get married. It doesn't do anything but cost you money. The ceremony is an outdated waste of time.

If you try to play the "but it's tradition!" card then I'm going to smuggly point out that taking your husband's last name is also tradition.

We don't plan on having much of a ceremony at all. Just a town hall marriage and then a BBQ afterwards. We pretty much function as a married couple already. To be honest the only reason I want to get married is so I can stop calling him my Boyfriend and start calling him my Husband. It just seems less High Schoolish to me.

You can call him whatever you want without a marriage license. People begin calling their soon to be married partner "fiancé" without a license. A couple that's into BDSM called each other master and slave without a bondage license.

If naming is going to be a problem just skip the whole thing. You're in love, right? The document stating you love each other doesn't do anything.

 

[aaronmcc]

Thought this was a thread about Iron Maiden. Fail.

 

[Sariteiya]

Just don't get married. It doesn't do anything but cost you money. The ceremony is an outdated waste of time.

If you try to play the "but it's tradition!" card then I'm going to smuggly point out that taking your husband's last name is also tradition.

We don't plan on having much of a ceremony at all. Just a town hall marriage and then a BBQ afterwards. We pretty much function as a married couple already. To be honest the only reason I want to get married is so I can stop calling him my Boyfriend and start calling him my Husband. It just seems less High Schoolish to me.

You can call him whatever you want without a marriage license. People begin calling their soon to be married partner "fiancé" without a license. A couple that's into BDSM called each other master and slave without a bondage license.

If naming is going to be a problem just skip the whole thing. You're in love, right? The document stating you love each other doesn't do anything.

I know I could call him my Grand High Chancellor if I wanted to, but the fact is, if I start randomly calling him my husband, my entire family starts asking, "Oh, when did you get married, why wasn't I invited!" etc. I know I could explain everything to everyone, but it seems like a lot more fun and a lot less trouble just to get a quickie marriage at the town hall and have a small party. At any rate, me being married or not has no impact on this problem. Even if we weren't married, we'd still need to figure out what to do about our children's last names.