The Maiden Name Conundrum

[Susan Arendt]

So here's the deal, my boyfriend and I intend to get married, but I'd like to retain my Maiden Name, partly because it means a great deal to me, and partly because it's a huge hassle to change my name on every legal document ever.

The trouble is, we both want kids. What last name do we end up giving them? Hyphenating is not an option, we both have long last names, and I don't want to do that to our kids. I've discussed this with a lot of people and no one seems to have a good answer, so I thought I'd source the internet. Ideas?

I'm a traditionalist on this one, so my vote is to give them their father's name. If you weren't planning on getting married, then they'd keep yours, natch, but if you are getting hitched, then I say go with dad's name. If nothing else, it'll make life a little easier for you and them as they go through school. The headaches I have dealing with the fact that I didn't take my husband's last name are enough just for the two of us, let alone for kids. Here's an example - I'm on his health insurance, but my different last name winds up baffling countless doctor's offices, who frequently can't figure out that I'm actually covered. I'll tell them he's my husband, and they'll just stare at me blankly.

 

[GiglameshSoulEater]

You could do what my parents did; My middle name is my mother's maiden name while my last name is my father's. Same with my sister.

This sounds like sense. Do this.

 

[Roganzar]

Been there, my wife has her "maiden name" still. This is mainly because she doesn't want to deal with the hassle. Since we've been married for 5 years now...hang on sinking in...the hassle is even greater. Personally, I don't, care if she changed it or not, except if I have to go to the post office to pick up a package in her name. That really is the only time I don't care for the situation.
Our son has my last name and if we have another child, son or daughter, it'll probably still be my last name.
So on the whole changing the last name thing, do it early if your going to change it. If your going to be lazy, her words, about the last name its not that much of a big deal.

Also, internets not the best place for "good" answers. It is only a series of tubes after all.

 

[burningdragoon]

I only skimmed the other responses, so it may have been said, but anyway, here's what my mom did (and I thought this was just how things were done for quite a while). She took my dad's last name and her maiden name became her middle name. Not hyphenated, just bumped off her old middle name. Would be slightly more complicated if you went by your middle name for w/e reason, but still, it's a simple solution.

Keep you old name: check.
Family is all under the same name: check.

Trouble is, this doesn't address the problem of having to change all my legal and bank documents. This doesn't seem like a big problem, but for perspective, see here. http://wedinator.icanhascheezburger.com/2011/07/21/funny-wedding-photos-whats-in-a-name-change/#comments

Yes.. I may have intentionally left that out of my otherwise perfect solution >.>

 

[Vakz]

Your last name for the girls and his for the boys?

This is how my parents did it. I have my dad's last name, and my sister has my mother's last name.

 

[Sariteiya]

While it IS a huge hassle to change your name, and you may have to re-apply for credit cards and stuff i saw what my sister went through, honestly I dont see any real value in taking the name unless it specifically means something to you. But personally I think you should give the kids the fathers last name, on the basis that it can be a hassle for dads whose children dont share there name.
here is a fun anecdote:

A cousin of mine had a big ol' wedding about a year ago and my family all went out to visit some of our female cousins came out and my sister set out with them in the car leaving her husband myself and some other family with her son, we were flying so it was a little more kid friendly anyway.
Silly me I bought the tickets because I get points and have better travel insurance and put the name Rex on my nephews ticket instead of Winfield, because for some reason I think everyone in my family is a Rex. Wouldnt you know, AirCanada wont recognise a father if the last names are different so... they wouldnt let him sit next to a strange child AKA his son and my brother in law was forced to change seats and squat in the isle when his son cried for him. I on the other hand, an uncle, was perfectly fine to sit next to him despite the fact that he at the time only refered to me as guy.
We did all get an apology from the pilot after the flight.

I'm a traditionalist on this one, so my vote is to give them their father's name. If you weren't planning on getting married, then they'd keep yours, natch, but if you are getting hitched, then I say go with dad's name. If nothing else, it'll make life a little easier for you and them as they go through school. The headaches I have dealing with the fact that I didn't take my husband's last name are enough just for the two of us, let alone for kids. Here's an example - I'm on his health insurance, but my different last name winds up baffling countless doctor's offices, who frequently can't figure out that I'm actually covered. I'll tell them he's my husband, and they'll just stare at me blankly.

Thanks for your input! It's good to hear about the actual, practical aspects of this. It's definitely been food for thought.

 

[uzo]

Hmm .. my wife still uses her Korean name, whilst my son has my name. I frankly don't give a damn if she takes my name or not; but any kids I wanted to have my name - her Korean name in other countries is not good (double-meanings in English and so on) and would just cause trouble for the kids as they grow up; and also, my name is a very obscure French name (blue blood) that carries a lot of history and weight with it. I'm from a fully-traced lineage that goes back to the Vikings, featured prominently throughout the Norman age and the 100 Years War, before fleeing persecution at the hands of torch-wielding mobs throughout the Wars of the Reformation, and the French Revolution.

My wife is from a long proud line of squid fishermen.

We're in a bit more complicated situation though - my wife is Korean, and so has a Korean name (her passport is in this name). She was born in Japan however, and spent most of her life there. So, she has a Japanese-Korean name, which is the translation into Japanese of her Korean name (the hanja to kanji). However, due to ongoing discrimination in Japan against those of Korean heritage, she has ANOTHER name, a fully Japanese name which has nothing to do with her Korean name - but it means that she has a bank account under a fully Japanese name so employers don't realise she isn't actually Japanese.

In short, keep your own name. And give the kids a common surname. You could try getting in a pissing contest about family histories like I did; or you could just go traditional and let them take your husband's name. Hyphenation is just ugly unless the parents have short cool names.

 

[Futurenerd]

I haven't seen you say anything about him being against changing his last name to yours. If he doesn't want to do that just choose the last name to give each kid. My parents gave me both their last names and I basically decided what I wanted when I was old enough. My dad's name is now my last name, and my mom's is my middle name.

 

[Genericjim101]

Scrubs has the answers to this one,


Carla: Turk? If I decide to keep my last name after we get married, that's no big deal
right?

Turk: Course not baby. We'll just have one of those modern marriages where the husband
and wife don't love each other.

My Screw Up S3E14

XD

really it's all preference and should be discussed and compromised

 

[ZeroMachine]

Your last name for the girls and his for the boys?

This.

It's effectively the way of the Dwarves of Orzammar. How could you go wrong?

I kid. That isn't a horrible idea, but you want your potential children to all feel like part of the same family. I'd give all your kids the same last name, whichever you choose.

I get the feeling they'll LEGALLY get yours, though.

 

[Sariteiya]

I haven't seen you say anything about him being against changing his last name to yours. If he doesn't want to do that just choose the last name to give each kid. My parents gave me both their last names and I basically decided what I wanted when I was old enough. My dad's name is now my last name, and my mom's is my middle name.

Haha, you're right. For clarity, yes, he does have an issue with taking my name, and that's fine with me.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

So here's the deal, my boyfriend and I intend to get married, but I'd like to retain my Maiden Name, partly because it means a great deal to me, and partly because it's a huge hassle to change my name on every legal document ever.

The trouble is, we both want kids. What last name do we end up giving them? Hyphenating is not an option, we both have long last names, and I don't want to do that to our kids. I've discussed this with a lot of people and no one seems to have a good answer, so I thought I'd source the internet. Ideas?

My mother kept her maiden name. I have my dad's last name. **shrug** When I got married, I kept my maiden name too. ^^

So yeah... that's the easiest thing to do, legally speaking.

 

[Android2137]

Well, what they do in Korea (I think) is that the mom keeps her maiden name even after marriage and the children take the dad's last name. My mom only took up Dad's last name after moving to America likely because it would reduce confusion here.

 

[lokiduck]

When I'm getting married, I am ditching my last name like it's a plague, I don't care for my dad's side of the family and even it's just simple fucking compond word "Halfhill" People misspell it all the time.

I wouldn't keep it because there is no way I am giving my child that last name... unless my husband names sucks and he agrees.

A while ago, I heard of a woman who was trying to make it so her husband could take her last name when they married.

My friend's parents actually married when she was three and her mother kept her last name, but she has her father's last na,e.

Why not just go with the name that sounds easier to speak so you won't torment the child, or by default the husbands.

 

[Daverson]

Simples! Give them randomly generated last names, here's some I made earlier you can use.

1. Shires
2. Loach
3. Ledger
4. Bormann
5. Rients
6. Pecora
7. Funston
8. Caplan
9. Mehl
10. Twitchell

(Of course, the obvious way to solve this dilemma would be to marry someone with the same last name as you. Outside your own family, of course.)

 

[docSpitfire]

I knew a family that just alternated (only had 2 kids though...) first had the dad's last name, second the mom's last name.

It's not a terrible compromise, however it will cause some confusion amongst children and the slightly stupid... You will eventually run into the situation where the kid with your last name has someone telling them they've made a mistake on a form or assuming your husband is the kid's step-dad

I remember when I was little (elementary school) the first time I found out... I got in a long argument that these 2 kids were brothers therefor the lady who ran the day care was mistaken. Afterwards, I can't say what was going on in their kid's heads, but I (as a child saw it as one kid belonged to one parent more than the other) which no kid logic is universal so I don't really know if it's possible a child in that situation would think the same.

In my household later on my mom remarried but didn't take me step-dad's last name, now obviously I understand why in a Step-family situation it can't be done, but my experiences growing up I am preferential of the "one family one name" method. 3 last names in a single household... my mom had to put my brother and I in the phone book under our own name in case someone wanted to look us up. I had at least one friend who had me in their cellphone as "Doc Momslastname" It just caused confusion with no real benefit.

 

[senordesol]

Getting married is nothing to entered into lightly (I say this as one who is married). It is more than just making your relationship 'official'; it's a declaration of a commitment before God (if so inclined), government, and everybody. It is the announcement of the creation of a family, and you may find that having a cohesive family identity makes life much simpler for all parties involved (despite the weeks of dealing with the bureaucratic BS).

Some might argue that your relationship with your partner is your business, and to a degree; that's true. However, when you get married, you are making it SOCIETY'S business (thus the certain benefits and privileges that come with getting married as opposed to just 'in a relationship'). It is a total, unequivocal, and unassailable bond. (At least, that's what it's SUPPOSED to be...perhaps I'm a bit of a romantic, but that's what marriage is to me.)

Now all of this is just my opinion, of course. I'm not so arrogant as to attempt to define your own relationship to you. But we do not exist in a vacuum. Our societal interactions are geared towards recognizing a family, any confusion regarding that (particularly with kids) will follow you pretty much wherever you go.

Taking his name is not for your benefit, it's actually for everyone else's.

Oh, and congratulations. May you and yours have all the happiness life can bring you.

 

[trollnystan]

Your last name for the girls and his for the boys?

This. Or if you want to give your name to the boys and his to the girls, whatever. The ones with your name gets your hubbie's name as a middle name and vice versa.

Whether they feel like they're a part of the same family isn't - in my opinion - in a name; it's in the love and affection you all share for each other.

I also like the idea of matching the first name with the last name. For example, my own name is odd in the way my first name is very Irish and uncommon and my surname is so Swedish it's in the top ten list of most common surnames. Rhythmically they fit together very well, both having three syllables, but they don't compliment each other in any other way, shape or form.

I don't know what I'd do in your position though; if my hypothetical husband had a more interesting surname I'd probably give that to the kids and maybe even take it myself. But still it's a tough call. Good luck!

EDIT: Reading through some of the comments regarding the whole "society will judge you" etc if you don't take his name or give the kids his name, makes me sooooooo glad I live in Sweden. I'm almost feeling patriotic! =P

 

[Ledan]

Well, depends on your type of last name, for example:
De Figueiredo could be melded with another last name, you just add or remove a word.
Randriamandrato however....... no dice for that one.

Nut if your last names are simple, Johnson and Smith for example, then why not do Smith Johnson?
You don't need to hyphenate, just have both.

Edit:

EDIT: Reading through some of the comments regarding the whole "society will judge you" etc if you don't take his name or give the kids his name, makes me sooooooo glad I live in Sweden. I'm almost feeling patriotic! =P

Oh the glory of being Swedish! We don't realize how sane and awesome our country is until we look at all the insane countries around us.

 

[Electric Alpaca]

Unless you're the last of your line, I see no reason to consider passing your name to your children.

Since their origin (medieval era I believe, I may be mistaken) surnames have been passed through the father.

Keeping your surname is your decision, but as an adult now - I am extremely grateful that I was given my father's name as opposed to my mother's (born as a bastard).

Granted, there are other reasons now than just heritage, but still.