The Maiden Name Conundrum

[Brutal Peanut]

I took my Husbands name. Personally, it felt like a fresh start for me and I just really liked the idea of it. Changing my maiden name didn't bother my Father, my spouse told me honestly that he would rather I take his name but if I didn't want to, he'd get over it. I appreciated his honesty and I didn't really have any objections to it. I'm still me and my history of how I came to be is still mine, I don't think a change of my name changes that. It also really wasn't that much of a pain for me to change. I scheduled appointments for faster service, filled out the papers, waited for my new papers and cards, and that was pretty much it.

Enough of my rambling crap and answer: I'd probably use the [first name][middle name][last name-last name]. Hyphenate.

Except...you know...if...

 

[ultratog1028]

Adapt the name to the child. case by case basis. Use the unused name as a middle name.

 

[PolarBearClub]

'Heads your name, tails mine.' Easy.

 

[Dags90]

Use his name. Society is still over cautious about men so having a man pick up kids with a different last name is more likely to cause a fuss.

I think there are enough people with step-children nowadays that it isn't a huge deal. Hyphenated names are just awful on standardized forms though, as are double last names.

Obviously the rational way to go about it would be name your male children after their father, and name the female children after the mother, so you can trace the Y/mitochondrial lineages most easily.

 

[Xanadu84]

Option 1) Let the kid have the fathers last time, as per tradition. Then, you get extra weight in deciding the first name, and your last name becomes the childs middle name.

Option 2) If your slightly less traditional, then give the child the last name of whoever doesn't get to pick the first name, and whoever doesn't get the last name gets the middle (Basically a choice of either option 1 OR option 1 with roles reversed.) Use a secondary middle name if this is still considered uneven.

Option 3) If you are exceptionally rational (over emotional) in regards to these matters, then simply start by picking out a first name. Then, decide on the last name according to what fits best, and give the other party the middle name. If you name the child after the fathers father, give the child the mothers last name to avoid confusion and repeat names. If you decide on the name, "Harry", and your last name is "Johnson", give the child the fathers last name.

 

[coolkirb]

hmmmmm how about you adopt a child that allready has a last name and save yourself the trouble

 

[greygeary]

My friend's mother kept her maiden name. Both her mom and dad had long names. The dad's name is really long, like 12 letters long and her mom's is eight letters. They just mashed the names together on formal documents, and use only one on things like facebook and little league. It works well. Kids have both names, but can just shorten it when need be.

I also work in a hospital, and see a lot of names. You'd be surprised by how many have long, combination names. The character limit is 25 and many still get cut off. So I say don't be afraid to combine your names just because it will be long.

Ultimately though, it doesn't matter. You can name your kids whatever you want, it will all come down to how you raise them. All this talk about tradition and confusion, just go with whatever feels right to both of you.

 

[BrailleOperatic]

New last names for everyone!!! Give your children cool new last names that belong to neither you, nor your man.

 

[let's rock]

this depends on where you are, countries have different laws on which name they will legaly have. If you're country lest you choose, then IDK, whoever is dominant in the relationship or something?

 

[darkfire613]

My mom kept her maiden name when she married my dad. My brother and I both have my dad's last name. I'd say just go your last name for girls and his last name for boys.

 

[skittlepie345]

Okay, first question, why are you getting married? Your relationship doesn't need government approval. And that's all marriage really is: permission.

Second, I have children, and my partner and I aren't married. We have different surnames.

We decided to give the first child my name, knowing that we'd decide what to do with the next one when the time came. It didn't, so there's just the one, and she has my name.

Whatever you two decide on will be fine. If you want to invent a brand new name for the kids, go ahead. There's no real reason why they need to share a name with either of you.

I believe that financially, at least as far as taxes go, it's more practical to be married to someone you plan on staying in a relationship with, along with a slew of other reasons.

(On Topic)

I would suggest that if you're getting married then give them their dad's last name, but if you decide to not get married than give them your name. I believe that's how it normally works, they're the woman's children and have her name unless she's married, in which the children get their father's name.

That's just what I would do though. More important is that both you and your boyfriend are in agreement and are okay with the surname your kids get.

 

[The Unworthy Gentleman]

Stop this foolish pride and take his name, then there won't be a problem. Really, if it means a lot to you then all the better, he'll see it as a much greater expression of your love for him. That's my serious suggestion.

This works equally as well for him. If you can give me one good reason why I automatically have to give up my heritage because I have lady parts then I'm all ears.

There is none, he should be equally as willing to do it. But if neither one of you is willing to make sacrifices here and there then you'll have a lot of problems like these to deal with.

May I ask why your name means so much to you? I have the same sense of pride for my heritage but, like most of my pride, I have little basis for it.

 

[TheAceTheOne]

Thought this was a thread about Iron Maiden. Fail.

I did too. I'm ashamed.

XD

On topic: You could just hyphenate your last name somehow. Like...

Smith-Johnson. That's an awesome name made of two average last names.

 

[PrimroseFrost]

I'm in pretty much your boat exactly-- engaged and keeping my maiden name for the reasons you've specified. My fiance has mixed feelings about the matter, but he understands my position and has essentially said that he'll get over it.

As far as our family is concerned, we're going to give any kids his last name. I'm going to stick my last name in there as a second middle name if I have any say in the matter (and I do). That's what my fiance's parents did to him and his brother and they haven't had any issues with it.

I think you have two valid options, given the details you've supplied:

1) Do what my fiance and I are doing,

or

2) hyphenate anyhow and let the kids pick their last names when they're older-- middle or high school aged-- and then encourage them to change it legally (or not, depending on their choice) AFTER they turn 18.

There are a few reasons I would discourage you from just having them take your name. The first is that people are waaaaaay more wary of men dealing with small children that don't have their last name than they are of women. Someone mentioned picking kids up from camp, and that was a good example of where this can come up.

The second is that it will affect the way your family is viewed. If a mother and her kids have different last names but they still call her mom, people will assume they got their dad's last name. If a father and his kids have different last names, it doesn't matter if they call him dad or not-- most people will assume that they aren't his, at least not biologically. I would ask your boyfriend if that kind of assumption would bother him to figure out if this is a major consideration for the two of you.

Good luck figuring all this stuff out-- then again, maybe when you have a kid everything will just fall into place for itself.

 

[Sariteiya]

Stop this foolish pride and take his name, then there won't be a problem. Really, if it means a lot to you then all the better, he'll see it as a much greater expression of your love for him. That's my serious suggestion.

This works equally as well for him. If you can give me one good reason why I automatically have to give up my heritage because I have lady parts then I'm all ears.

There is none, he should be equally as willing to do it. But if neither one of you is willing to make sacrifices here and there then you'll have a lot of problems like these to deal with.

May I ask why your name means so much to you? I have the same sense of pride for my heritage but, like most of my pride, I have little basis for it.

Mostly because I love my family, and I love having my connection to it. It also happens to be a pretty awesome last name, but that's just gravy.

Also, I'd really appreciate if people would stop making assumptions about our relationship. Extrapolating something about how we function from the small amount of information given is not really productive, and it's frankly getting insulting.

 

[ace_of_something]

Just don't get married. It doesn't do anything but cost you money. The ceremony is an outdated waste of time.

If you try to play the "but it's tradition!" card then I'm going to smuggly point out that taking your husband's last name is also tradition.

My marriage license cost $25, my wife changing her name on her social security card and drivers license cost a total of $14.
It shows commitment in a legal sense.
It costs a lot less on taxes as time goes on.
and insurance and in some states registering a car/buying a house. It can be easier to get a loan.

Also, statistics show you're more likely to get promoted in damn near every occupation if you're married.

Any statistics showing that unmarried couples are more likely to stay together are false. Because no one really formally tracks such things compared to the scale on which marriage is tracked.

Plus no matter how you slice it. Your [a href=http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/bastard]kids are bastards[/a].