The Ratings War III: Republic of Heaven (Second Round Finals)
- Thread starter The Sorrow
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Arright, time for Matches IV and V:
Match IV: Axle and Lady Athena vs. Evil
Location: Hellish: STYX
To the west is a plain of nothing. To the east sits a river, flowing almost imperceptibly. Around you stand the newly-dead, eager to reach their rest. Their despair permeates the air and their thoughts fill your mind; remembering who you are is as important as defeating your opponent.
NOTE: You must post an entry, Krunk.
Match V: The Conduit vs. Devon Warner
Location: Earthly: FRIGID
As you come into existence, one thought enters your head: it?s REALLY FUCKING COLD. An eternal blizzard blankets the sky, reducing your depth of vision to almost zero. Thin ice lurks beneath heaps of snow. You may not have to defeat your opponent; you may just need to outlast them.
You have five days.
Match IV: Axle and Lady Athena vs. Evil
Location: Hellish: STYX
To the west is a plain of nothing. To the east sits a river, flowing almost imperceptibly. Around you stand the newly-dead, eager to reach their rest. Their despair permeates the air and their thoughts fill your mind; remembering who you are is as important as defeating your opponent.
NOTE: You must post an entry, Krunk.
Match V: The Conduit vs. Devon Warner
Location: Earthly: FRIGID
As you come into existence, one thought enters your head: it?s REALLY FUCKING COLD. An eternal blizzard blankets the sky, reducing your depth of vision to almost zero. Thin ice lurks beneath heaps of snow. You may not have to defeat your opponent; you may just need to outlast them.
You have five days.
The cold hit Devon like a hammer to the face. An intense wind had turned the otherwise harmless snow into semi-lethal shards of ice, which howled as they sliced through the air. Devon's entire world was cut down to three feet around him before he was thrown to the ground by the wind.
That's not to say he was in trouble. Devon was many things; knowledgeable just happened to be one of them. He figured the only way a person could survive in an environment like this was to burrow under the snow. Of course, this was assuming that this wasn't just a heap of ice, but it was better than waiting to freeze to death.
This is cold.
Really fuckin' cowd.
Devon could have sworn he heard voices. And it was odd...they weren't...talking.
Hoping like hell he wasn't the only person here, Devon opened his mouth and shouted.
I spent a year in the frozen arctic; I belive this is colder.
I've been to forzen planets on da edge a space; dey still 'eren't this cowd.
I've been to hell.
Was it colder than this?
Just by a little, and only when it wasn't hotter than the sun.
"HEY! YOU GUYS OVER THERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME!"
...did anyone else hear that?
I did, in fact. I seems we are not the only ones here.
Yay, we get to kill something!
Nawt if I don't say so.
I agree with the gunslinger. We should not resort to violence unless we need to.
No. Something is wrong.
Oh? How?
He should not be able to hear us.
Oh, come on. He could be psychic. Or...something. All the more reason to kill him!
"IF ANYONE IS OVER THERE, I NEED HELP! I THINK WE CAN SURVIVE HERE, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT I'M GOING TO NEED HELP!"
Would you deny someone who requires aid?
I would, but it is not my decision.
I say we should kill him.
Eah, I'm wit da barbarian. Kid wants help, give 'im help.
Very well.
Devon heard footsteps crunching in the snow, saw the vague outline of someone walking towards him. He was a little younger than Devon, but had much more bearing, as though the weight of several lifetimes had fallen upon his shoulders. "I thought-" Devon said, pulling himself up and shielding his face with his arm. "I thought I heard people walking around. Do you have any idea where the hell we are?"
He's lying, kill him!
How do you know that, barber?
We di'in't make any sound comin' in. I would'a noticed.
Something is strange here, yes. Might I suggest though, that we go along with this? He may very well have a reason for hiding that he can hear us, not the least of which may be our friend, the barber.
Hey, fuck you too.
"No, unfortunately. Are you alone?"
Devon stopped and thought for a moment. He was hearing people thinking in this guy's head. That's exactly what it was, that's why it was so fast. He might be able to use that to his advantage, but he may die before that happened, or this barber fellow may convince the main guy to kill him. What's more, he had no idea what this "representative" business was. Really? he thought. Are they not even going to give me a fucking clue what I'm supposed to be doing?
"Yeah." Devon said. "I'm supposed to be a representative or something for this guy. Well, he's not a guy, he's an angel, and he says that God is dead, and a bunch of people want his seat. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, I was just in the hospital."
He's the guy we're supposed to be killing! Kill him!
I am still not sure. He seems to be...not innocent, but unaware of his situation.
I dunno. He don't seem like a threat. He seems a li'l bit thick.
"Thick? I resent that."
The man in front of him shifted his weight; Devon couldn't see, his vision was obscured by his arm. "Then you can hear The Jury?"
"If you want to call them that, sure. Why?"
Are you really not going to kill him now?
It is not up to you, Barber.
We're s'posed to be testin' people to see if they're good enough to be God, right? Why inn't this guy fightin' for himself? I dunno.
You know where I stand.
That leaves the decision to me.[/color]
"So you're going to kill me."
"Yes."
Devon sighed. "Well, this is crap. Could you do it quickly, at least?"
"Very well."
Devon closed his eyes, and waited. And waited. And counted to ten. And counted to twenty. And counted to thirty.
What are you waiting for? Shoot him!
Dat gun ne'er jams. Why ain't our friend dead yit?
My body will not pull the trigger.
Oh, that is BULLSHIT!
"Are you saying you can't kill me?"
"...It would seem so."
"Why?"
"I cannot say."
You could have told us you weren't allowed to kill! Shoot him in the foot or something! Come on!
I am allowed to kill, barber.
Then why aren't you?
Devon got to his feet, seeing that his new acquaintance had a strange gun pointed at him. Moving it aside, he said, "Well, if you want my two cents, it's a sign. You can't kill me because you aren't supposed to kill me, and, in fact, you're supposed to help me. Now, do you have anything we can use as a shovel?"
The man in front of Devon holstered his gun and sat down, crossing his legs and putting his hands on his knees. "I do not need to kill you to defeat you. In this environment, I only need to outlast you."
"No. No, no, no, no, no!" Devon said. "You're saying you're just going to sit there and do nothing?"
"Yes. It is all I need to do."
"BULLSHIT!" Devon yelled. "We need to dig under the snow, make a little hut, or we won't last ten fucking minutes!"
"I will last ten minutes. You will only last five."
Devon sat back down, putting his hands under his armpits. "Fuck. You're right. I hate it when other people are right." Devon rubbed his eyes and scratched his head. "Gotta think of something, gotta think of something..."
You could kill us.
"I'm not a murderer. I was told that I was to be a diplomat, a representative, or some fucking thing. More importantly, I can't get through this by myself."
's a shame. All I know 's that we're s'posed to use our judgement. If 't were just me, I'd help ya kid.
"Wait, wait wait..." Devon said, the familiar feeling of tumblers falling into place in his mind. "You said that those three guys are a jury, right? Would that make you a judge?"
"Yes. I act on what they decide."
"And who picked this jury?"
"I did."
"...why did you pick a murderer, out of curiosity?"
"He represents the very lowest of what humanity has to offer."
"...that doesn't answer my question. Why did you pick a serial killer."
What are you doing, child?
"Something I saw in a movie. Why did you pick a serial killer?"
"He is the very lowest humanity has to offer. He only wants pain, destru-"
"Exactly. You purposely picked someone biased, why?"
"I chose someone representing the best humanity has to offer, someone who has no vested interest in anything, and the worst humanity has to offer. A fair jury."
"No, not a fair jury." Devon said, smiling. "A fair jury, a truly fair jury, is completely unbiased. That's the point, isn't it?"
"I could not expect you to follow-"
"And I may be wrong, but you've been keeping these guys in the dark. They don't know why they're here any more than I do."
"That isn't-"
No...he is right. I do not understand our purpose. You told us we do not need to.
The Ba'barian 's right. Somethin's not right 'bout this, and I don't like it.
Yeah, why do you need our help, anyway? Kill the kid, then tell us.
"And what's more," Devon continued. "I'm gonna bet this goes a lot deeper. You can't tell them what's going on because you don't know what's going on. You're just as in the dark as I am."
"My job is not to question, but to obey."
"Then kill me."
"...I cannot."
"And you don't know why."
"I do not."
"What do you know about The Eighth, The Pillar Of Sun?"
"...why?"
"Before I came here, before this angel came and asked for my help, it was something that looked like a demon. It referred to me as that."
The man in front of Devon was silent.
"He started to tell me what I'm sure would be the same thing the angel would have told me. Thing is, I'm not sure he was the bad guy."
You said he was a demon.
"I don't pretend to understand everything."
The man in front of Devon began to speak. "It is not my duty-"
"Well it doesn't seem to be their duty, either. At the one point when you could have killed me, you couldn't, because something in you wouldn't let you. And now you have no idea what to do, and I know you have no idea what to do, because you're sitting there doing absolutely fucking nothing."
Devon took a breath. He couldn't feel his arms, or his legs at this point, but he had to keep trying. "So we're at a point where you both are unable and unwilling to do anything about me. Lemmie prove it. Gunslinger, Barbarian; tell him to rip out my guts and eat them."
Are you fuckin' nuts?
I cannot-
"I'm trying to prove that you have no real control over him, making your existence in his head a moot point. If I'm wrong...it's better than freezing to death, I suppose."
...very well. Rip out the young man's entrails, Conduit, and devour them. Now.
Yeah...what he said. Damn, I need to shower now...
Sounds like fun. I'm in.
The man in front of Devon did nothing. "You heard them. Come on, you've got a bunch of blades on you, just use one of them to split me open."
"...I cannot."
"Why not?"
"...I do not know. I was not equipped for this situation. This is beyond me."
"So you're going to help?"
"No. I am still going to do nothing."
Bullshit. You're gonna help da kid. Now.
The young man is right. It is in our mutual best interest to help each other.
You know what? I'm curious. Help him.
Even if I were to help, the young man would not live long enough for it to matter. I doubt there would be much we could do, in any case.
"No..." Devon said. His whole body was numb now. "Just because you can't win doesn't mean you shouldn't fight. I could have told you to fuck off, but I changed your mind, got you to admit that you may be wrong. The next person..." Devon was dozing off, and was filling with a feeling of warmth. "The next person...might not...have..."
Devon colapsed onto the snow, keenly unaware of anything.
______________________________________________________________________________
The Conduit sat in the middle of an endless blizzard, meditating. Something had happened that had never happened before. He was not sure what he had done was right. He had doubt.
The Conduit looked before him. He had used the gun to weaken the snow and the ice, then used the sword as a shovel to dig out the snow. The young man was burried underneath four feet of ice, the still-warm gun and ammunition with him.
Something else was happening to The Conduit that had never happened before, something that came with doubt. The Conduit felt hope. He hoped that he had made the right decision, that the young man lived.
Are you ready?
I am.
Yeah, I'm ready.
You forget, I have a special place waiting for me in hell.
The Conduit had exhasted himself trying to save the young man. He was freezing to death. He was going to die soon.
Have...have I failed?
No. The young man was right. It's better to die doing something than to give up and do nothing.
He was. I ran away from my life mah whole life. I shulda done something, shoulda tried to do something worth doin'.
It is the one thing the three of us have in common; we gave up on our lives when it got too hard. I threw away my faith and resigned myself to death, The Gunslinger threw away his hope and resigned himself to death, and The Barber threw away his life at the first sign of trouble. We were weak. All of us. Is that why you chose us, Conduit?
No. I do not know why I chose you. I just...did.
The Conduit had decided, the only decision he had ever made by himself. He would not wait for his fate. Even if it the choice was made for him, he would chose it himself. Using the last of his strength he took the immense sword and impaled it through his heart.
I wonder...is this what it is like to be human?
That's not to say he was in trouble. Devon was many things; knowledgeable just happened to be one of them. He figured the only way a person could survive in an environment like this was to burrow under the snow. Of course, this was assuming that this wasn't just a heap of ice, but it was better than waiting to freeze to death.
This is cold.
Really fuckin' cowd.
Devon could have sworn he heard voices. And it was odd...they weren't...talking.
Hoping like hell he wasn't the only person here, Devon opened his mouth and shouted.
I spent a year in the frozen arctic; I belive this is colder.
I've been to forzen planets on da edge a space; dey still 'eren't this cowd.
I've been to hell.
Was it colder than this?
Just by a little, and only when it wasn't hotter than the sun.
"HEY! YOU GUYS OVER THERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME!"
...did anyone else hear that?
I did, in fact. I seems we are not the only ones here.
Yay, we get to kill something!
Nawt if I don't say so.
I agree with the gunslinger. We should not resort to violence unless we need to.
No. Something is wrong.
Oh? How?
He should not be able to hear us.
Oh, come on. He could be psychic. Or...something. All the more reason to kill him!
"IF ANYONE IS OVER THERE, I NEED HELP! I THINK WE CAN SURVIVE HERE, AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT I'M GOING TO NEED HELP!"
Would you deny someone who requires aid?
I would, but it is not my decision.
I say we should kill him.
Eah, I'm wit da barbarian. Kid wants help, give 'im help.
Very well.
Devon heard footsteps crunching in the snow, saw the vague outline of someone walking towards him. He was a little younger than Devon, but had much more bearing, as though the weight of several lifetimes had fallen upon his shoulders. "I thought-" Devon said, pulling himself up and shielding his face with his arm. "I thought I heard people walking around. Do you have any idea where the hell we are?"
He's lying, kill him!
How do you know that, barber?
We di'in't make any sound comin' in. I would'a noticed.
Something is strange here, yes. Might I suggest though, that we go along with this? He may very well have a reason for hiding that he can hear us, not the least of which may be our friend, the barber.
Hey, fuck you too.
"No, unfortunately. Are you alone?"
Devon stopped and thought for a moment. He was hearing people thinking in this guy's head. That's exactly what it was, that's why it was so fast. He might be able to use that to his advantage, but he may die before that happened, or this barber fellow may convince the main guy to kill him. What's more, he had no idea what this "representative" business was. Really? he thought. Are they not even going to give me a fucking clue what I'm supposed to be doing?
"Yeah." Devon said. "I'm supposed to be a representative or something for this guy. Well, he's not a guy, he's an angel, and he says that God is dead, and a bunch of people want his seat. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing, I was just in the hospital."
He's the guy we're supposed to be killing! Kill him!
I am still not sure. He seems to be...not innocent, but unaware of his situation.
I dunno. He don't seem like a threat. He seems a li'l bit thick.
"Thick? I resent that."
The man in front of him shifted his weight; Devon couldn't see, his vision was obscured by his arm. "Then you can hear The Jury?"
"If you want to call them that, sure. Why?"
Are you really not going to kill him now?
It is not up to you, Barber.
We're s'posed to be testin' people to see if they're good enough to be God, right? Why inn't this guy fightin' for himself? I dunno.
You know where I stand.
That leaves the decision to me.[/color]
"So you're going to kill me."
"Yes."
Devon sighed. "Well, this is crap. Could you do it quickly, at least?"
"Very well."
Devon closed his eyes, and waited. And waited. And counted to ten. And counted to twenty. And counted to thirty.
What are you waiting for? Shoot him!
Dat gun ne'er jams. Why ain't our friend dead yit?
My body will not pull the trigger.
Oh, that is BULLSHIT!
"Are you saying you can't kill me?"
"...It would seem so."
"Why?"
"I cannot say."
You could have told us you weren't allowed to kill! Shoot him in the foot or something! Come on!
I am allowed to kill, barber.
Then why aren't you?
Devon got to his feet, seeing that his new acquaintance had a strange gun pointed at him. Moving it aside, he said, "Well, if you want my two cents, it's a sign. You can't kill me because you aren't supposed to kill me, and, in fact, you're supposed to help me. Now, do you have anything we can use as a shovel?"
The man in front of Devon holstered his gun and sat down, crossing his legs and putting his hands on his knees. "I do not need to kill you to defeat you. In this environment, I only need to outlast you."
"No. No, no, no, no, no!" Devon said. "You're saying you're just going to sit there and do nothing?"
"Yes. It is all I need to do."
"BULLSHIT!" Devon yelled. "We need to dig under the snow, make a little hut, or we won't last ten fucking minutes!"
"I will last ten minutes. You will only last five."
Devon sat back down, putting his hands under his armpits. "Fuck. You're right. I hate it when other people are right." Devon rubbed his eyes and scratched his head. "Gotta think of something, gotta think of something..."
You could kill us.
"I'm not a murderer. I was told that I was to be a diplomat, a representative, or some fucking thing. More importantly, I can't get through this by myself."
's a shame. All I know 's that we're s'posed to use our judgement. If 't were just me, I'd help ya kid.
"Wait, wait wait..." Devon said, the familiar feeling of tumblers falling into place in his mind. "You said that those three guys are a jury, right? Would that make you a judge?"
"Yes. I act on what they decide."
"And who picked this jury?"
"I did."
"...why did you pick a murderer, out of curiosity?"
"He represents the very lowest of what humanity has to offer."
"...that doesn't answer my question. Why did you pick a serial killer."
What are you doing, child?
"Something I saw in a movie. Why did you pick a serial killer?"
"He is the very lowest humanity has to offer. He only wants pain, destru-"
"Exactly. You purposely picked someone biased, why?"
"I chose someone representing the best humanity has to offer, someone who has no vested interest in anything, and the worst humanity has to offer. A fair jury."
"No, not a fair jury." Devon said, smiling. "A fair jury, a truly fair jury, is completely unbiased. That's the point, isn't it?"
"I could not expect you to follow-"
"And I may be wrong, but you've been keeping these guys in the dark. They don't know why they're here any more than I do."
"That isn't-"
No...he is right. I do not understand our purpose. You told us we do not need to.
The Ba'barian 's right. Somethin's not right 'bout this, and I don't like it.
Yeah, why do you need our help, anyway? Kill the kid, then tell us.
"And what's more," Devon continued. "I'm gonna bet this goes a lot deeper. You can't tell them what's going on because you don't know what's going on. You're just as in the dark as I am."
"My job is not to question, but to obey."
"Then kill me."
"...I cannot."
"And you don't know why."
"I do not."
"What do you know about The Eighth, The Pillar Of Sun?"
"...why?"
"Before I came here, before this angel came and asked for my help, it was something that looked like a demon. It referred to me as that."
The man in front of Devon was silent.
"He started to tell me what I'm sure would be the same thing the angel would have told me. Thing is, I'm not sure he was the bad guy."
You said he was a demon.
"I don't pretend to understand everything."
The man in front of Devon began to speak. "It is not my duty-"
"Well it doesn't seem to be their duty, either. At the one point when you could have killed me, you couldn't, because something in you wouldn't let you. And now you have no idea what to do, and I know you have no idea what to do, because you're sitting there doing absolutely fucking nothing."
Devon took a breath. He couldn't feel his arms, or his legs at this point, but he had to keep trying. "So we're at a point where you both are unable and unwilling to do anything about me. Lemmie prove it. Gunslinger, Barbarian; tell him to rip out my guts and eat them."
Are you fuckin' nuts?
I cannot-
"I'm trying to prove that you have no real control over him, making your existence in his head a moot point. If I'm wrong...it's better than freezing to death, I suppose."
...very well. Rip out the young man's entrails, Conduit, and devour them. Now.
Yeah...what he said. Damn, I need to shower now...
Sounds like fun. I'm in.
The man in front of Devon did nothing. "You heard them. Come on, you've got a bunch of blades on you, just use one of them to split me open."
"...I cannot."
"Why not?"
"...I do not know. I was not equipped for this situation. This is beyond me."
"So you're going to help?"
"No. I am still going to do nothing."
Bullshit. You're gonna help da kid. Now.
The young man is right. It is in our mutual best interest to help each other.
You know what? I'm curious. Help him.
Even if I were to help, the young man would not live long enough for it to matter. I doubt there would be much we could do, in any case.
"No..." Devon said. His whole body was numb now. "Just because you can't win doesn't mean you shouldn't fight. I could have told you to fuck off, but I changed your mind, got you to admit that you may be wrong. The next person..." Devon was dozing off, and was filling with a feeling of warmth. "The next person...might not...have..."
Devon colapsed onto the snow, keenly unaware of anything.
______________________________________________________________________________
The Conduit sat in the middle of an endless blizzard, meditating. Something had happened that had never happened before. He was not sure what he had done was right. He had doubt.
The Conduit looked before him. He had used the gun to weaken the snow and the ice, then used the sword as a shovel to dig out the snow. The young man was burried underneath four feet of ice, the still-warm gun and ammunition with him.
Something else was happening to The Conduit that had never happened before, something that came with doubt. The Conduit felt hope. He hoped that he had made the right decision, that the young man lived.
Are you ready?
I am.
Yeah, I'm ready.
You forget, I have a special place waiting for me in hell.
The Conduit had exhasted himself trying to save the young man. He was freezing to death. He was going to die soon.
Have...have I failed?
No. The young man was right. It's better to die doing something than to give up and do nothing.
He was. I ran away from my life mah whole life. I shulda done something, shoulda tried to do something worth doin'.
It is the one thing the three of us have in common; we gave up on our lives when it got too hard. I threw away my faith and resigned myself to death, The Gunslinger threw away his hope and resigned himself to death, and The Barber threw away his life at the first sign of trouble. We were weak. All of us. Is that why you chose us, Conduit?
No. I do not know why I chose you. I just...did.
The Conduit had decided, the only decision he had ever made by himself. He would not wait for his fate. Even if it the choice was made for him, he would chose it himself. Using the last of his strength he took the immense sword and impaled it through his heart.
I wonder...is this what it is like to be human?
The thing that separates Devon from both Gabriel and Sutacross is that his (intended) focus is much less, "Look what he can do!" and more "LOOK WHAT HE DID!", meaning that it's much less show and much more story telling. While pulling this off well is difficult, it is possible, and is a massive aid in, well...winning.
Of course, part of what makes his character more difficult to write is the depth you have to put into it. That being said, I got lucky this round; I was in a simple environment and had a character that was fairly easy to screw around with.
I decided as soon as I read Qayin's post that I wanted to use his characters complexity against him. The enviornment, as I briefly indicated before, helped this along.
The hardest thing about The Conduit was trying to figure out The Gunslinger's accent. I tried a few times to make something that fit; I'm not sure if I succeeded. Getting the personalities and interactions together wasn't difficult; Qayin did a good job with detailing their interactions, I can only hope I detailed them half as well.
Part of what I wanted to do, at least in the first battle, is to set up that a lot of people don't know a damn thing about what they're actually doing; I decided to take Devon and The Conduit to the extremes with this. Devon doesn't know that he has to fight, and The Conduit doesn't know what he's allowed to do. Both of them were effectively crippled because of this; Devon because he relied entirely on non-violent resolution and The Conduit because he couldn't fight.
That, of course, means there wasn't a fight, at least not in a conventional sense. I'll be honest; I didn't see that coming. I've always believed that something you have to learn to cope with as a writer is not always knowing how things are going to happen you have to do what works best for the story, not what you want the story to be (can you tell I love Stephen King?). I also believe that the best way to make something unpredictable is to let the story be a surprise to itself. That's not to say, "Let the story write itself." is the best advice, but let the story itself have some input.
I'll be frank; I wasn't exactly sure how the entire story was going to pan out. I've thrown away more than one post because it didn't meet my erroneously high standards. I will say, though, that if it had been bad, anywhere below my standards, or even if I hadn't liked it, I wouldn't have posted it. I think it turned out great, myself. I did exactly what I wanted with Devon, which is to say I made him smart enough to figure out pretty much anything he would need to.
So...yeah. That's what I've got. Hope it was helpful, sorry if it wasn't.
Apologies Abound
Of course, part of what makes his character more difficult to write is the depth you have to put into it. That being said, I got lucky this round; I was in a simple environment and had a character that was fairly easy to screw around with.
I decided as soon as I read Qayin's post that I wanted to use his characters complexity against him. The enviornment, as I briefly indicated before, helped this along.
The hardest thing about The Conduit was trying to figure out The Gunslinger's accent. I tried a few times to make something that fit; I'm not sure if I succeeded. Getting the personalities and interactions together wasn't difficult; Qayin did a good job with detailing their interactions, I can only hope I detailed them half as well.
Part of what I wanted to do, at least in the first battle, is to set up that a lot of people don't know a damn thing about what they're actually doing; I decided to take Devon and The Conduit to the extremes with this. Devon doesn't know that he has to fight, and The Conduit doesn't know what he's allowed to do. Both of them were effectively crippled because of this; Devon because he relied entirely on non-violent resolution and The Conduit because he couldn't fight.
That, of course, means there wasn't a fight, at least not in a conventional sense. I'll be honest; I didn't see that coming. I've always believed that something you have to learn to cope with as a writer is not always knowing how things are going to happen you have to do what works best for the story, not what you want the story to be (can you tell I love Stephen King?). I also believe that the best way to make something unpredictable is to let the story be a surprise to itself. That's not to say, "Let the story write itself." is the best advice, but let the story itself have some input.
I'll be frank; I wasn't exactly sure how the entire story was going to pan out. I've thrown away more than one post because it didn't meet my erroneously high standards. I will say, though, that if it had been bad, anywhere below my standards, or even if I hadn't liked it, I wouldn't have posted it. I think it turned out great, myself. I did exactly what I wanted with Devon, which is to say I made him smart enough to figure out pretty much anything he would need to.
So...yeah. That's what I've got. Hope it was helpful, sorry if it wasn't.
Apologies Abound
Well, I've decided I'm going to make a significant effort to provide reviews for all entries in this RW (mostly because, looking back, I think I've only done two or three legit reviews.) So, Logician, I'll be starting with you.
When Qayin and Krunk post there entries, I'll make a point to review them as well. In the mean time, I might go back and review the entries from last match. Does anyone in particular care/really want a review?
The story centered largely around dialouge, which is fine but I felt at times like I was loosing track of the setting. The moments when the story announced that Devon was feeling numb or loosing conciousness almost surprised me because I'd gotten so used to the banter. A little more urgency or desperation in Devon's voice would have fixed the problem nicely; as is he comes off logical and upbeat punctuated with moments of urgency or frustration.
A little more exposition on Devon would have been awesome. You bring up in the story that he's supposed to be a diplomat and that he was recruited by an angel (or possibly a demon) and that he is The Eighth, The Pillar of Sun, which is all great foreshadowing and character building, but you don't adress in the story what any of that means. Setting Devon up as confused about that subject himself is interesting and worked alright but that confusion gets moved to the audience as well. Solving the issue wasn't necessary but I wish it had been adressed slightly more in depth.
I felt like the rising action happened too early. For me, the real dramatic climax of the story was when The Conduit couldn't kill Devon and they both sat down to wait each other out. I was confused though when you tried to build another dramatic climax around Devon convincing The Conduit to help him and then falling unconcious. It made me read everything after them sitting down as a falling action when in fact you wrote it like another rising action. So that was a continuity issue that was maybe just my own mess up.
I wish there was a way to condense the conversation into sizable paragraphs. A lot of this story is one-line dialouge that ends up reading almost more like a script. I would have been much more satisfied if there were some meaty paragraphs to dig through; you had a couple but not quite enough.
Oh, and why couldn't the Conduit shoot Devon? I wish there was a little more explination about that. Even if it's something to do with your character that you want to keep secret you could have hinted or suggested or provided a couple options as to why. Also, why could Devon hear the jury? That was another question I had that I wish was answered in the entry. I just sort of assumed he was psychic.
Wow, all of this sounds really negative. Please don't misunderstand me, I actually liked the story a lot. I just tend to focus on the negatives because I think it's more helpful to know what you could improve on than what you've already got down. In my experience anyway. Plus, it's harder for me to spot what a person does right. When something is perfect I hardly notice because I'm really into the characters and plot; it's the moments when I fall out of the story that I notice in particular what could be improved.
Lets move one to the positives. You made me care about Devon. You may not have explained a lot of his character but you say enough to make me want to read the next story to find out more. That's no small feat. Your prose is crisp, clean and a joy to read as always. I found your use of the environment interesting (setting basically a time limit on the two opponents lives while they remained unprotected from the cold was an nice move. It definitely increased the suspense.) Overall it was a very good character-centric narrative. Well done.
A little more exposition on Devon would have been awesome. You bring up in the story that he's supposed to be a diplomat and that he was recruited by an angel (or possibly a demon) and that he is The Eighth, The Pillar of Sun, which is all great foreshadowing and character building, but you don't adress in the story what any of that means. Setting Devon up as confused about that subject himself is interesting and worked alright but that confusion gets moved to the audience as well. Solving the issue wasn't necessary but I wish it had been adressed slightly more in depth.
I felt like the rising action happened too early. For me, the real dramatic climax of the story was when The Conduit couldn't kill Devon and they both sat down to wait each other out. I was confused though when you tried to build another dramatic climax around Devon convincing The Conduit to help him and then falling unconcious. It made me read everything after them sitting down as a falling action when in fact you wrote it like another rising action. So that was a continuity issue that was maybe just my own mess up.
I wish there was a way to condense the conversation into sizable paragraphs. A lot of this story is one-line dialouge that ends up reading almost more like a script. I would have been much more satisfied if there were some meaty paragraphs to dig through; you had a couple but not quite enough.
Oh, and why couldn't the Conduit shoot Devon? I wish there was a little more explination about that. Even if it's something to do with your character that you want to keep secret you could have hinted or suggested or provided a couple options as to why. Also, why could Devon hear the jury? That was another question I had that I wish was answered in the entry. I just sort of assumed he was psychic.
Wow, all of this sounds really negative. Please don't misunderstand me, I actually liked the story a lot. I just tend to focus on the negatives because I think it's more helpful to know what you could improve on than what you've already got down. In my experience anyway. Plus, it's harder for me to spot what a person does right. When something is perfect I hardly notice because I'm really into the characters and plot; it's the moments when I fall out of the story that I notice in particular what could be improved.
Lets move one to the positives. You made me care about Devon. You may not have explained a lot of his character but you say enough to make me want to read the next story to find out more. That's no small feat. Your prose is crisp, clean and a joy to read as always. I found your use of the environment interesting (setting basically a time limit on the two opponents lives while they remained unprotected from the cold was an nice move. It definitely increased the suspense.) Overall it was a very good character-centric narrative. Well done.
When Qayin and Krunk post there entries, I'll make a point to review them as well. In the mean time, I might go back and review the entries from last match. Does anyone in particular care/really want a review?
I would love to see (what would have been) your entry, if you could.Ultrajoe said:
As for my entry, it may be late due to the fact that I've been banned from using my computer (half yearlies next week, I'm actually not supposed to be typing this), but I may get it in on time yet. Just warning, because I can see shit happening in droves in my future which will definitely hinder my progress.
EDIT: And Khedive, I would love a review.
EDIT AGAIN: This means you won't be seeing much (if any) of me until June, just so you know.
I'll give you the drafts of my entry, writing the proper one is likely to make me regret yanking my participation from the thread, and then I have a conflict of interests and my brain implodes. Do you want my brain to implode? I don't, why would you want my brain to implode? You sick, sick bastard.Lord Krunk said:
And don't worry about the break, krunk, there are players who haven't even aknowledged that they've been accepted into the running... you're hardly the worst offender. Then we have the malicious asses who quit!... unholy, in my opinion. Utterly evil. Until sorrow passes word of god stating otherwise, i'd say you're in the clear... but don't hold me to that.
I hate to double-post, but is this going anywhere?
We have overdue entries, absent players and i'm not seeing anything happening. Sorrow, we understand you might be busy, but if you want exclusive control of your game then that comes with the responsibility of... running the game. I'm going to come off as arrogant no matter how I say this so i've decided to take refuge in audacity:
*Dons upper class hat and cane*
Dear sir, *bonks reader on the noggin*
Come on old bean, if you kick everyone off your bonny old croquet course then we expect to see you play some damn croquet! Wot wot. Face it, my rubber shoehorn, it's a tad slack to leave this thread hanging after making it into a game that requires your guidance. If you're not willing to automotize the whole system then you are suggesting that it's something you can govern yourself, my crysallized grapefruit. So bloody well govern it.
We're up to our tits in players, indeed, and we're scraping the barrels toned ass for directions. I'm feeling just a smidgeon abandoned, my candied tire-iron. Fair go old chap, it reads a midge dissapointing to us in the penny seats when we're two matches in and the premise is bleeding out on the floor like some hired help I tested my sabre on.
- Yours dearly,
Ultrajoe
*End Audacity... keeps the hat*
We have overdue entries, absent players and i'm not seeing anything happening. Sorrow, we understand you might be busy, but if you want exclusive control of your game then that comes with the responsibility of... running the game. I'm going to come off as arrogant no matter how I say this so i've decided to take refuge in audacity:
*Dons upper class hat and cane*
Dear sir, *bonks reader on the noggin*
Come on old bean, if you kick everyone off your bonny old croquet course then we expect to see you play some damn croquet! Wot wot. Face it, my rubber shoehorn, it's a tad slack to leave this thread hanging after making it into a game that requires your guidance. If you're not willing to automotize the whole system then you are suggesting that it's something you can govern yourself, my crysallized grapefruit. So bloody well govern it.
We're up to our tits in players, indeed, and we're scraping the barrels toned ass for directions. I'm feeling just a smidgeon abandoned, my candied tire-iron. Fair go old chap, it reads a midge dissapointing to us in the penny seats when we're two matches in and the premise is bleeding out on the floor like some hired help I tested my sabre on.
- Yours dearly,
Ultrajoe
*End Audacity... keeps the hat*
Ultrajoe, Qayin still has one day to post his entry. Until then, I don't feel that any action is necessary.
As Lord Krunk will win by forfeit anyway, I am willing to let him go without an entry due to extenuating circumstances.
What is there to guide right now? The deadline has yet to arrive. The entire point of this game on the Escapist was to be a break from the frantic action of traditional RPs.
And you quit. While I most certainly did not intend to make you feel that way, a sense of abandonment is a logical outcome.
I would be most pleased if you would cease needlessly insulting me. Malicious asses who quit? My mistake. I fucked up. That was last tournament. Yes, I quit. No need to remind anyone. Things are currently running EXACTLY as I wanted. Most players got their character development done before their first matches.
It's not all about you, Joe. It's not your thread, so please cease your whinging.
As Lord Krunk will win by forfeit anyway, I am willing to let him go without an entry due to extenuating circumstances.
What is there to guide right now? The deadline has yet to arrive. The entire point of this game on the Escapist was to be a break from the frantic action of traditional RPs.
And you quit. While I most certainly did not intend to make you feel that way, a sense of abandonment is a logical outcome.
I would be most pleased if you would cease needlessly insulting me. Malicious asses who quit? My mistake. I fucked up. That was last tournament. Yes, I quit. No need to remind anyone. Things are currently running EXACTLY as I wanted. Most players got their character development done before their first matches.
It's not all about you, Joe. It's not your thread, so please cease your whinging.
Calm down, I put on a top hat so you wouldn't feel like I had flossed your ass with sandpaper.The Sorrow said:
Don't take everything personally, the malicious quitters comment was aimed at me. You'll do yourself an injury of you take everything I say as 'needless insults'. Take a step back, have a drink, have a dance. Have a swim in the nile and let it all out otherwise anything I say is going to sound like an attempt to throttle you.
What is there to do? We're sitting on page 3, sorrow (or, we were). You've got players non-responsive and from what i'm discussing with other people (in passing, calm down, we don't have a conspiracy happening) nobody seems to understand what's going on. My comments weren't so much a jibe as a reminder that this thread exists. If your intention was to make it more relaxed and less prominent then tell us that, my point is that we're in the dark here.
If doing that while dressing snazzy is whinging, then don't make me put a viking helm over this helm and sing something by Floyd. If i really though this was all about me, I wouldn't have stopped playing. And if you stopped treating everything I say as an attack you might realize that we have similar desires.
Calm yourself.
*runs from the judge box to say things*
The Sorrow - The 15th said:
Eh? I'm no expert on time differences, but that makes no sense. Seems to me like the deadline is passed and we haven't seen hide nor tail of Qayin... Krunk is getting through unchallenged, but is The Logician getting a free pass as well?The Sorrow - The 22nd said:
I don't know where Qayin is, but Sorrow sent messages to us via PM to say that (due to the forums being down for quite a time) we had an extension and that this round started on Sunday.revolverwolf said:
Assuming that this means it ends on Friday, and that Friday ends in America tomorrow, Sorrow's right. At least, that's what I'm thinking is right.
Too bad, I'm three quarters of the way there. I'm going to run it by Ultrajoe first, though, because he's voiced his plans for the character to me and I'm going to heed his wishes.The Sorrow said:
Also, I want to know whether he approves of my interpretation.
My entry isn't really necessary, I know, but I'm going to do it anyway. Character development and all that...
...Very well then. It just didn't look like there had been any extension granted and I would have liked to have been told about this beforehand.
Carry on. *runs back into the judges box*
Carry on. *runs back into the judges box*
Ultrajoe said:
That, and the preceding comment could have been handled via PM. All of that could have been handled via PM.
As Higs pointed out, we shouldn't be needlessly cluttering up this page. Thats not just Joe, thats everyone. It is that much more effort, and that much more of a mood killer to trawl through a myriad of posts looking for the battles.
Also, prefacing insults with "I don't mean to insult you, but..." does not make them any less insulting.
As Higs pointed out, we shouldn't be needlessly cluttering up this page. Thats not just Joe, thats everyone. It is that much more effort, and that much more of a mood killer to trawl through a myriad of posts looking for the battles.
Also, prefacing insults with "I don't mean to insult you, but..." does not make them any less insulting.
My preface was 'there's nothing I can say that you wont find insulting', and the top hat was to indicate my flippant and somewhat grudging disregard for the fact. But that's water under the bridge, bygones being bygones as surely as a hooker is the mother of that bastard who shortchanged me the other day when I bought my lunch. And that's damn sure. The world turns, passing of sand, days of our lives and so forth.Armitage Shanks said:
I wasn't aware of the deadline changes, hence my jumping of the gun and saying they were overdue yesterday when they had another day to post. Genuine apologies there, I didn't know about the date change. Consider me dining hastily on my words with a side of moderately fine wine and cracker-like objects that may or may not be crackers. They probably are.
I must say, i'm most enthusiastic to see how my little brainchild gets topped. Assuming he dies. That's the joy of fiction, you never know how it ends, even when you know the ending.
Qayin is missing, presumed occupied. He hasn't shown up to write any more for Msh's epic creation 'Queen of Hearts', leaving it to us two to fill the gaps... which is hard. Knowing how much he enjoys both of these games, I am going to offer my opinion that he has very good reason for not posting. We speak often, and I can assure you he's not the kind to shirk out on things.Lord Krunk said:
Wait, wait, wait! ... Queen of Hearts is back? I thought it died once we moved it to The escapist old folks home.Ultrajoe post=362.107952.2106114 said:
If you and Msh want an extra set of helping hands it would be my pleasure to reassume the Vect mantle.
Weeelp, that's a forfeit for Qayin. Little preoccupied at the moment, so an update later today.
And QoH is still going? Direct me to the action, good sir.
EDIT: Alright, next fights are go:
Rose vs. Jayck and Jyill
Location: Hellish: HADES
The Greeks were lucky enough to head to this place. A big ol? three-headed dog?s waiting for you at the entrance, and all the classic idiots are suffering. Sisyphus, Prometheus, and the lot are all there. You might get a good story or two out of some of ?em, provided your opponent doesn?t rip your head off.
Harlequin vs. Nathan Lancaster
Location: Earthly: RUN FOR THE HILLS
You?re on a rather lovely island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Palm trees, coconuts, beaches and dunes dot the landscape. Why would you be running for the hills?
The bigass volcano erupting way off in the distance there may be a good reason.
I understand some of you are confused. Basically, I?m selecting two pairs of fighters at a time. I will note you and post the names in the thread title when you?re up.
Note me if you have any questions.
And QoH is still going? Direct me to the action, good sir.
EDIT: Alright, next fights are go:
Rose vs. Jayck and Jyill
Location: Hellish: HADES
The Greeks were lucky enough to head to this place. A big ol? three-headed dog?s waiting for you at the entrance, and all the classic idiots are suffering. Sisyphus, Prometheus, and the lot are all there. You might get a good story or two out of some of ?em, provided your opponent doesn?t rip your head off.
Harlequin vs. Nathan Lancaster
Location: Earthly: RUN FOR THE HILLS
You?re on a rather lovely island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Palm trees, coconuts, beaches and dunes dot the landscape. Why would you be running for the hills?
The bigass volcano erupting way off in the distance there may be a good reason.
I understand some of you are confused. Basically, I?m selecting two pairs of fighters at a time. I will note you and post the names in the thread title when you?re up.
Note me if you have any questions.
[HEADING=1]Dammit all!!![/HEADING]
I haven't gotten into the matches left, It's really starting to affect my mindset whenever a new match gets called.
Please write swiftly, I don't know how much more of this I can take
I haven't gotten into the matches left, It's really starting to affect my mindset whenever a new match gets called.
Please write swiftly, I don't know how much more of this I can take
Yes, I did just post to Queen of Hearts. Tsurugi got some posts in before mine and transferred over some of the stuff that had been written offsite, so there is actually quite a bit of new (new to you, anyway) material. It's tumbled to page 2 in the space of what, 4 hours? Good lord, this forum is insane.The Sorrow said:
it is. The link is to page one. Don't let the page count fool you. It's novel length, so yeah, if you haven't read it, I don't really expect you too. But it is awfully good, if I do say so myself.
Rex, Erzabet is now back at her base and has in fact been joyously reunited with Vect, so feel free to write the reunion from Vect's POV. The RP is ripe and ready for your return.
And yes, part of this could have been done in PM, but it is my practice to respond in the manner that I was asked.