UPDATED!!!! Is she being selfish to want a baby??

[DemonicVixen]

*sigh*... My mate has just left, and im at a loss of what to say or do now so i'll ask you guys.

My mate is 19, same as me though will be turning 20 in December. She is in a long term relationship with a great guy, they've been together for 9months now and he's just turned 20 this month.
She came to me confused as she's decided she wants a baby and knew that i do also so thought i could help. Her partner is willing for kids as is mine, but, like mine, he wants to finish his Uni course and get a full time job. He told her he'd be happy if she fell pregnant, but scared at what it could do to them. She however already has it all planned out.
She's even more confused because he sleeps with her even when he knows she isnt protected, and isnt phased when she jokes on about might being pregnant.

Here is my dilemma...

She's on the combined pill, and has decided to stop taking it, and let nature take its course. He doesnt know about it and she doesnt want to tell him as she thinks he might leave her or reject any child that might come of it. Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret but i dont want to see him get hurt as a result of it. I love both of them like family, and i dont know what to do... Yes i can see she has it worked out in a way that would probably work for them both, but im not sure she realises the emotional and physical strain a baby will do to him during his last years of Uni...

Ive decided to ask you all this as i know there are adults and probably broody teens on here who can tell me what i should do, or at least persuade her she's being unreasonable and unfair to him at this time. Or maybe im just paranoid =/

EDIT: Failed to mention they're living together also in a 2 bed flat.

UPDATED!!! He's agreed to try now. They've discussed it and like me and my partner, have agreed that its what they both want. She's willing to drop everything if needed, and let him continue University. She admitted about not taking the pill and told him truthfully that she couldnt work out for sure what he wanted. He didnt care about it, just told her that in a way, he did want a child, but wasnt sure what was for the best.

My partner and I are in college however i finish college in 6months or less. We've agreed to start trying for a child, and he has 1 more year in college before he either gets a job or tries for a Foundation Degree. If I choose to continue and get a Foundation degree after college is over, i'll wait until the child is older, or place it in the college childcare facility. However thats if i fall pregnant within the next few months. Otherwise i'll probably still get a job for a year and decide from there what i want to do next.

Thanks for the advice though guys =) much appreciated

 

[the_pleasure_is_mine]

She's 20?

Well it's her choice, but I think it's way too early, finish your courses, get into a stable job, have enough money to do something crazy, then you're almost ready to have a baby.

 

[The Scythian]

Nothing? Her life, her choice.

 

[The Procrastinated End]

She's lying and tricking him into getting her pregnant. That is wrong and you should tell the guy before she ruins the relationship with her evil-woman trickery.

 

[RollForInitiative]

Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret

Fail. Fail, fail, a hundred times fail. You do not do things like this to your partner. That is complete and utter deceptive bullshit, which is clearly a great foundation for a relationship that's about to get bombed by a fucking accidental baby.

Seriously, what in the Hell is wrong with your friend?

 

[XJ-0461]

I'm only 17, so feel free not to listen to my advice.

But I think you should either convice your friend to tell her boyfriend about her plan, or tell the boyfriend yourself. If she gets pregnant and the boyfriend finds out she stopped taking the pill without telling him, then a much bigger shitstorm could errupt than if she just told him straight up. Plus, without a full time job, it migh be difficult to provide all that a child would need, and the stress of caring for a baby, keeping a part time job and staying on a uni course could end the relationship.

Now this is all just what I think, and I could be wrong, but in this situation I think honesty would be the best policy. Convince your friend to talk to her boyfriend. If they both talk about it, I'd imagine that things would be better in the long run for all teh people involved.

 

[thahat]

*sigh*... My mate has just left, and im at a loss of what to say or do now so i'll ask you guys.

My mate is 19, same as me though will be turning 20 in December. She is in a long term relationship with a great guy, they've been together for 9months now and he's just turned 20 this month.
She came to me confused as she's decided she wants a baby and knew that i do also so thought i could help. Her partner is willing for kids as is mine, but, like mine, he wants to finish his Uni course and get a full time job. He told her he'd be happy if she fell pregnant, but scared at what it could do to them. She however already has it all planned out.
She's even more confused because he sleeps with her even when he knows she isnt protected, and isnt phased when she jokes on about might being pregnant.

Here is my dilemma...

She's on the combined pill, and has decided to stop taking it, and let nature take its course. He doesnt know about it and she doesnt want to tell him as she thinks he might leave her or reject any child that might come of it. Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret but i dont want to see him get hurt as a result of it. I love both of them like family, and i dont know what to do... Yes i can see she has it worked out in a way that would probably work for them both, but im not sure she realises the emotional and physical strain a baby will do to him during his last years of Uni...

Ive decided to ask you all this as i know there are adults and probably broody teens on here who can tell me what i should do, or at least persuade her she's being unreasonable and unfair to him at this time. Or maybe im just paranoid =/

your not paranoid, not a boordy teen here. whats she's doing is wrong.
if he thinks shes on the pill, and she just desides to STOP, thats not much of a relationship now is it?> relationships are built on trust, and you dont always get what YOU want.
it needs to be balanced, and children are a big BIG step, you should not undertake lightly.
he needs to finish school, get a job, and a house, THEN maybe children. she has to understand this or get the hell away and ruin someone elses life.

sounds harsh, but i think she's backstabbing the guy

 

[Impluse_101]

You don't keep secrets from your partner...that simple.

Edit: And you don't be a butt when telling them.

 

[Dags90]

You may want to tell her to check the case law on rape by deception in her jurisdiction as this may fall under it if she's misleading him into believing she can't become pregnant.

 

[Necator15]

She's being selfish largely because she isn't telling him. (Lying is a wonderful idea in a relationship in which you want a kid, isn't it?)

Keeping this secret will have him hurt as a result of it, and hurt badly. Tell her to tell him, and if she refuses, you tell him.

 

[Macgyvercas]

Ordinarily, my reponse would be "DRAMA BAD! RUN!", but I'll make an exception in this case and channel my Paladin while I do it (Paladins are Lawful Good and hold subterfuge/deception in the utmost comtempt).

Deception is bad. Period. It is your duty to alert your friend to what is going on, even if it makes things uncomfortable with your other friend. Being complicit in a lie is as bad as lying yourself.

 

[TheAnimal92]

i understand why she wants a child however, she may of thought of how the life would work for them but she's not considering the life of the child. if all goes well for her bloke at uni he may get a better job thus more money and in turn better quality of life. personally i'd advise her to wait a little longer. it's always wise not to rush somethign as important as bringing a new life into the world.

 

[Woodsey]

If you don't tell her to fucking stop right now I'll come over and punch you in the face myself. If he shags her unprotected then that's probably because he thinks she's using contraception; she'll ruin his life because she's impatient, and who the fuck wants to have kids when they're 20 anyway? At least live a little first, fucking hell.

Seriously, your friend is being a devious little *insert extremely horrific insults*.

 

[Chewster]

Yeah, that is extremely fucking dishonest, and considering how young they are, would probably ruin the relationship. And yes, it is selfish to want a child if you are not ready for the responsibility, as the child is the one who suffers the most. Judging by how she is handling this, I'd say she has neither the wisdom nor the maturity to do so, though that is just speculation on my part.

And getting knocked up at twenty? Are you nuts? This isn't the 1950s anymore. You have to be out of your mind to want kids that young. So yes, convince her to wait until they are financially stable and a bit more experienced in the world. Having kids during a world recession isn't exactly a swift idea.

 

[Maze1125]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting a baby, and there are no serious problems with having one at university so long as you have any money issues worked out. I personally had twins in my last year at uni, and it didn't effect my work at all because my wife took on an extra load with the babies so I could do my work. As your friend is the one who wants this baby, she would surely be willing to do the same.

The reason why what she is doing is very very wrong is because she is being deceptive about something as important and life changing as a new life. That is just awful and unforgivable.

Edit: As for what to do. There is no need to immediately go behind your friend's back. Try and convince her to tell him herself first, or to call her plans off. And only tell him if she refuses.

 

[linwolf]

Someone needs to tell him that she is of the pill. Best to convinces her to do it, but if she wont I would say you have to do it.

This could ruin not just his life but hers too.

 

[DemonicVixen]

She is tossing his future away so she can get what she wants, and after giving her a reason why they should not and she still continues to attempt to get pregnant.

So she is lying and destroying his future so she can have a baby? Yaaaaah I have a feeling this will not end well.

This, shes being selfish as hell, not to mention the kids future as well. I dont know what to do, your going to lose either way, either you watch his future go down the drain, or you could lose your friend by telling him. Glad im not in your shoes.

*sigh* thats exactly my problem. I've already yelled at her for putting me in this situation, but she isnt listening to me. She's considered the outcomes of what she's doing (and yes, many of the arguments in this thread did come up) but she's decided that the feelings she's having out way the problems. She trusts that he'll stay with her because thats the type of lad he is (sadly he WOULD do anything, including make himself miserable for her), and also says that as much as she loves him, she's willing to accept if he chooses to leave her or be a long distance dad.

*head slams on the desk* im tempted to try forgetting about both of them. I dont talk much to him anyway now as im often busy, i see my mate at college so thats difference, he'd not notice the difference... but i dont want to be in this situation