UPDATED!!!! Is she being selfish to want a baby??

[xdgt]

There's nothing wrong with her wanting a child. There is however something very wrong with her forcing it on her partner without him even knowing it. The best course of action would be to talk to your female friend and convince her it isn't the right thing to do, if she wants the child so badly she should find a mate who also wants it as bad as her. Either that or wait till her partner is comfortable with the idea.

Just because she thinks the pros outweigh the cons doesn't mean he does. What if tommorow he thinks cutting her in half and sticking her in the freezer is a good idea and the pros outweigh the cons? A child needs 2 parents, and trickery is not ever the right way.

 

[Kelthurin]

She better get her moronic arse back on the pill bloody quick mate.

She's 20 years old, how in the wide world could she possibly "Have it all planned out"?
And, emotional and physical strain during uni? Try every day of the year, for the next 18 years, as soon as the business starts.

Having been together for 9 months does -not- give you an all clear sign to purchase tickets for two on the babymaker in the bedroom amusement park! They should keep going to the practice ride for at least another year.

Having children is serious business. What if the man/woman you're having this child with, turns out to not actually be your "destined partner" a year or two down the line? 1x parent leaves, 1x parent is left with either paying child support(In the male parent's case) or 1x parent is left with a child, alone.

In either case the kid will be growing up with mum or dad having to drive him over to the other on weekends or something similar.

Having a child is a lot more strain on a relationship than most people who aren't parents can possibly realise. More than I can possibly realise, not being a parent myself, luckily. But I've seen enough situations like these to know that having a kid that young,in a relationship that short, is a very, very bad idea. Horribly bad idea.

In short, tell the guy what the stupid girl is trying to do. Scold said stupid girl for trying to do it. Inform her again what she was trying to do, and ask her if she really wants the relationship and pregnancy to be stained by it for the rest of their lives.

In my eyes, she's much too immature to have a kid if she would lie in order to have one.

 

[CarpathianMuffin]

I won't say that she's being selfish, since he genuinely wants a baby. However, she should let him know that she dropped the pill, out of principle. It's unbelievably deceptive otherwise, and just isn't right.

 

[lacktheknack]

The backstory and the dilemma do not compute. Something's missing somewhere...

...but secrets among friends that the partner doesn't know of = EVIL.

Okay, you tell her this: "You have two days to tell him before I do. End of." Him having his life ruined (if that's what you're implying) is worse than having you lose a friend.

 

[Folio]

I say she's too young. Not for making a choise, not for responsibility, but for building a life.

You need to have a stable life in order to take care for a baby. She is thinking ahead, but not in the present. It takes 9 months to get a baby. It takes about a year or two to really think you can keep your job at a stable rate.

If she has her baby, she will mess a lot of her life in a short time.

 

[DefunctTheory]

There is nothing wrong with her wanting a baby (Stupid, perhaps, but not selfish).

Now, manipulating your partners in a scheme that could potentially RUIN HIS LIFE... well, thank God I'm sterile.

 

[R Man]

You have to warn the other guy. Its your duty. What ever promises you made to the girl must take second place to saving the future of three people.

If he gets her pregnant and then finds out you knew what was going on...shit. You're in trouble.

And if you still feel loyal to her, then just note some things down. You're here, asking some complete strangers if your opinions on her are correct. You already know the answer, and what needs to be done.

 

[Danzaivar]

A girl whos willing to lie to her partner about birth control so she can have a baby isn't good parent material. Not nearly mature enough.

Oh, and if my girlfriend did this to me? I'd leave her. Saying he's okay with it, and actually being okay with it are totally different things. Warn her boyfriend.

 

[Matt_LRR]

Obviously she's asked me to keep it secret

Fail. Fail, fail, a hundred times fail. You do not do things like this to your partner. That is complete and utter deceptive bullshit, which is clearly a great foundation for a relationship that's about to get bombed by a fucking accidental baby.

Seriously, what in the Hell is wrong with your friend?

THIS. SERIOUSLY. NO. NONONO. That's fucking depraved.

If she's on the pill and is thinking of going off it, she has a responsibility to tell him. You don't just decide to have a baby without going in on it together.

TERRIBLE fucking idea.

-m

 

[J-meMalone]

He needs to know. You need to try and convince her that she can't deceive her partner, especially not in this way or in anythign as big as a baby. If she doesn't listen you may have to tell him, it's better that he knows now than to find out to hard way and risk the relationship.

 

[esperandote]

I would advice you tell your friend to take male contraconceptive pills on secret so he gets a lot of sex but apparently there isn't one that's safe yet and i don't think he would like to get a vasectomy.

 

[Vault boy Eddie]

Nowadays, having a baby with anything but a 6 figure salary is just plain masochistic.

 

[TheRundownRabbit]

dont have kids until your 35 people, OK!!!!!

 

[captaincabbage]

She is being pretty selfish and pretty stupid. Having a baby at that age is a terrible thing to do financially and it could have them living the next 15-20 years on a really low and tight budget. Whenever they see somethingthey like, like a new car, or remodelling a room, they'd have to either drag it out over a few years, or sacrifice something else important.

I'm not particularly blaming her, since most women want a child eventually, it's a hard-wired thing, like guys and sex, she just has to think aboutit logically.

If she had a baby now, they'd probably be renting for the next 5 or more years easily, since all of her time and effort would be dedicated to the baby, she wouldn't be able to have full time job.

 

[Dags90]

*sigh* thats exactly my problem. I've already yelled at her for putting me in this situation, but she isnt listening to me. She's considered the outcomes of what she's doing (and yes, many of the arguments in this thread did come up) but she's decided that the feelings she's having out way the problems. She trusts that he'll stay with her because thats the type of lad he is (sadly he WOULD do anything, including make himself miserable for her), and also says that as much as she loves him, she's willing to accept if he chooses to leave her or be a long distance dad.

*head slams on the desk* im tempted to try forgetting about both of them. I dont talk much to him anyway now as im often busy, i see my mate at college so thats difference, he'd not notice the difference... but i dont want to be in this situation

She does realize that there is a chance of a rape conviction under UK law[footnote]http://www.rjerrard.co.uk/law/cases/linekar.htm[/footnote], right? Does she really want a baby so bad she's willing to risk having that baby in prison?
[sub]I'll admit that it's unlikely, but there's a serious argument valid under UK law that your friend is committing rape.[/sub]

 

[freedomweasel]

You should most definitely tell the guy she's going off the pill. Most definitely. I can think of no reason at all to do otherwise.

 

[Buzz Killington_v1legacy]

HOLY LIVING FUCK TELL HIM NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

Okay, slightly less hyperbolic answer: Speaking as someone hanging on to the last bits of his thirties by a few atoms of fingernail, yes, she's being selfish. Incredibly. Certain things supersede keeping a secret for a friend, and averting a decades-long emotional and financial disaster is one of them.

She's lying by omission and on the verge of destroying both their lives as well as that of any potential child. TELL. HIM. NOW.

 

[Daverson]

It isn't selfish of her to want a child.

It is, however, selfish of her to not let her partner know she's taken steps to get pregnant. If she does, it won't just be her responsibility.

My personal advice would be to confront her, and suggest she tells her partner of her decision, if she doesn't, you should. He's the one who stands to suffer in this matter, so he deserves to know.