Several of us in IRC came up with
ESCAPIBOT-1000, reporter debonair with a trusty notebook and pen-sword. No zombies too many, no boss fights too hard, no quick time events too evil to prevent Escapibot from getting his story.
he has a fedora! Maybe Philip Marlowe Style. [http://www.loveofpop.com/images/the-great-humphrey-bogart1.jpg]
To quote an Ultrasomeone, "Escapibot-1000: getting the story, even if it means he must wade through the blood of millions."
And Graustein, "No story escapes the escapibot."
Drinking buddies with HK-47, GlaDOS, and the steering wheel robot from Wall-e.