What are the best comebacks you've ever said/heard?

[BuckminsterF]

[bully]"We're going to kill you" (or something to that effect)

[nerd]"Aww, your just mad because high-school's over and you've reached peak, so now you've got nothing to look forward to but fucking each other's wives as you flail about in that spiritual black hole you'll call success"

[bully to cronie] "... you're going to fuck my wife?"

[nerd]"Don't worry you'll fuck his too."

[bully]"We're still going to kill you"

[nerd freind]"Here's your axe" [throws axe to nerd]

[nerd brandishes axe, bullies run]

 

[Undedd Jester]

The OP: ,,What are the best comebacks you've ever said/heard?''
Me:,, The search bar''

is getting a good response either way, and to be fair in the space of 4 hours after posting this there were another 5 pages worth of threads posted after this one, so any other similar threads would be a collasal waste of time to search for...

Like your balls

 

[BlueTomfoolery]

The jerkstore called, they're running out of you!

 

[Zallest]

Some douchebag said I was gay.
I responded with "that's what she said, until I proved otherwise"
. . .
. . .
It was funny at the time!

Similar experience

Douchebag: "Yo man you are so gay"
Me: "Yeah, I'd suck your !@#$"
Douchebag: "...*walks away*"

Sends them into a state of shock.....

My personal favorite was the trash talking 13something kid on TF2 i met the other day.

"Dude you suck ass, i can't believe you let those guys cap the point"

"I'm sorry what? I can't hear you from the bottom of the score board"

 

[Aardvark]

Guy who drinks chocolate milk: "Man, why do you drink strawberry milk. Pink's like so totally gay"
Me: "Says the man who willingly sticks his tongue in the Brown"

My ex: "There's something wrong with you, you're a psycho, a sadist, an unfeeling, unthinking monster and you need professional psychological help"
Me: "Are you still talking?"

Some non-smoker: "Why on earth do you smoke? It's not cool, it's disgusting and it will kill you"
Me: "It keeps me from being associated with people like you"

 

[Taawus]

The OP: ,,What are the best comebacks you've ever said/heard?''
Me:,, The search bar''

is getting a good response either way, and to be fair in the space of 4 hours after posting this there were ...

TOO LONG, didn't listen.
Touche !

 

[Dr.Poisonfreak]

Guy who drinks chocolate milk: "Man, why do you drink strawberry milk. Pink's like so totally gay"
Me: "Says the man who willingly sticks his tongue in the Brown"

My ex: "There's something wrong with you, you're a psycho, a sadist, an unfeeling, unthinking monster and you need professional psychological help"
Me: "Are you still talking?"

Some non-smoker: "Why on earth do you smoke? It's not cool, it's disgusting and it will kill you"
Me: "It keeps me from being associated with people like you"

.


this= amazing

my fat mate : dude you are such a messy eater you're gettin food everywhere.
Me: don't worry im sure you will be on your hands and knees later to pick it up, just like your mum

same day...

fat mate: you have food on you shirt

me : you have food on our chin, no, the other one

 

[Undedd Jester]

is getting a good response either way, and to be fair in the space of 4 hours after posting this there were ...

TOO LONG, didn't listen.
Touche !

So you openly admit you can't read more than 2 sentences... thats very big of you. You know what they say, the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have a problem. Oh snap this post is more than 2 sentences long, my bad

 

[lordofthepickle]

friend 1: I rate your mum zero out of ten
friend 2: I rate your mum five out of ten

 

[Xx7 elevenxX]

Jerk Store... They are all out of you :O

 

[Tarakos]

One time a kid called me a dick. I responded with, "Well I can't be a dick, because you're not sucking me." All he could do was walk away after that. I win.

 

[Rigs83]

I would insult you but God beat me to it.

 

[Ctrl-Alt-Elite]

pfft "Your mum" is the best comeback ofc...

 

[Undedd Jester]

I do remember once I came into the back at work frustrated swearing left right and cente. I said something like "fucking cock and ass bullshit!"

My boss replied "You talk alot about cocks and assholes for a straight guy eh?"

I answered "Thats cause I work with so many Jim" xD

 

[LongAndShort]

At a house party, a mate of mine is stumbling around drunk off his face, a bloke come up to him and says "look at you, drunk already, your a disgrace" to which my mate yells back "your mum's a disgrace!"
Fuckin hilarious.

 

[Overlord_Dave]

If you want my comeback, it's in yo momma!

 

[Undedd Jester]

If you want my comeback, it's in yo momma!

LoL! I can't think of a comeback to that one at all xD

 

[PartyMonkey]

This isn't the best comeback ever but has been a long running joke between me and my friends.

Me stood and 3 friends stood outside music room at school

PE Teacher (we will call him Orange)-"what are you girls doing here?"
Me-"Biscuits?"
Orange-:/
Me"RUN AWAY!!"

 

[dark-amon]

My favourite above all favourites is when me and my brother talks about alchohol and my brother suddenly bursts out


Another one was when some guy complained to my buddy about that my buddys girlfriend almost hit him with a car. When he then said a thing about this is that we where in the military at the time and the guy who complaied was our superiour.