What are the best comebacks you've ever said/heard?

[Agema]

In a cricket match, between the Australian Glenn McGrath and the Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes:

McGrath: "Hey Eddo, why are you so fat?"
Brandes: "Because every time I fuck your mother, she gives me a biscuit."

 

[TheProfessor134]

Someone said a rude comeback to a comment I made.
I simply said "If I wanted come back I would have just scraped it off the back of your mom's tounge."

He stopped talking.

 

[Snowalker]

*Hits opponent in face with shovel* Best one I ever heard.

I know this is off-topic, but why do you have a picture of Sky-net from Fallout 2 as your avatar?


On topic... midgits, or flying midgits of doom are the best I've ever heard.

 

[martin's a madman]

From House: Girl: I came looking for a job.
House: There's a position open on my penis.

 

[Booze Zombie]

"You fucking ****, I'll-!"

"You'll see me at the dinner table, once I'm done banging your mum."

I love my mates, always got a comeback for mouthy gits.

 

[Baggie]

About once a year I get someone telling me I'm genetically inferior to them because I have red hair, and all the issues therein. (Really, REALLY weird that people do that, they just randomly bring it up in conversation). I get kind of insulted by this because they tend to focus on why I'm crap.

The second time I heard it I said "I can bench 40 Kilos, I can run faster than 95% of people I know, and I've got an IQ in the high 120s. Your vastly superior genetics, and yet I'm STILL better than you!"

Man, does it ever shut people up!

 

[MrTweetums]

Friend 1: Did you read my report?
Friend 2: Yeah...
Friend 1: What did you think?
Friend 2: It sucked.
Friend 1: Like your mom last night! Oooohhh!
Friend 2: You got a blow-job from your grandma?
*Pause*
Friend 1: Hey...

Cracked me up...

 

[wilted_orchid]

"I don't have an answer to that, but if you want my comeback, you can go get it off yer ma's face," - the be-all and end-all of "yer ma" jokes.

 

[muckinscavitch]

"Get a job!"

"Get a job? Get a job?!? yeah, alright. I'm just going to put on my little job helmet and hop into my job cannon and blast into jobtown where jobs grow on little..... job-ies!"

 

[DoW Lowen]

If you want my comeback, it's in yo momma!

"Jeez dude your getting a little fat"

"Thats cause everytime I fuck your mum she gives me a biscuit"

I never understood what the fuck was up with this "fucking people's mothers" business... If someone said they fucked my mom, it's so far from the realm of possibility that there's no way I could take it seriously. Then there's the matter of why someone young like I am would be proud to have fucked my 51 years old mom (who would in no way qualify as a milf) when they could (theoretically, since they're most likely douchebags) have sex with pretty girls their age... Seriously, so you fucked my mom; You're basically insulting yourself. Way to go, you disgusting fuck.

My family all say that to me. I don't know how to reply...

 

[Pimppeter2]

....So is your face

 

[The_ModeRazor]

"You want fries with that?"

 

[DoW Lowen]

"If you look up 'Stupid' in the dictionary, there's a picture of you"
"Yeah, well I'm not the one who had to look up stupid in the dictionary...and my dictionary doesn't have pictures, you moron"

"If you looked up idiot i the dictionary, you'd know what you'd find"
"A picture of me?"
"No the definition of the word idiot, which you fucking are!"

Here are some real ones -

-Friend talking about her little brother while shopping for groceries
Friend 1: Ian is allergic to nuts
Friend 2: That's not what the Catholic priest said

-After annoying the Paris Hilton wannabe in my class
Paris: I'm going to punch you in the head
Me: You know every time you get punched in the head you lose brain cells. But you don't have to worry about that.

-To the insanely obese girl whom I make fun of because she's an idiot who happens to be fat
Girl: My manager at McDonald's and me are soooo similar
Me: What? She drinks from the deep fryer as well?

-To my South African friend
Friend: I got 92 on my essay!
Me: But.... you're black...

-To my Lebanese friend after he makes fun of me for being Asian
Friend: Least I don't have a small dick
Me: I'm sorry I couldn't hear you over your jacket exploding in the airport

-To my Christian friend after laughing at dead baby jokes
Friend: there's a special place for you in hell
Me: Yeah, it's called the throne

 

[Dooblet]

almost all purpose
"I'm sorry I don't have a better come back, because i left all my come back in your mom."

 

[andrat]

Oh oh oh.

My buddy was telling how he was partially Russian. Went like this:

"Andrew, never go to Russia, they kill or boot out all the gays."
"So what, is that why your family got kicked out?"

 

[DoW Lowen]

Ohhhh one more!

My lecturer insulted me pretty badly, after I handed in a botch essay I wrote literally an hour before she handed back with the words "I'm not sure what I'm looking at, but a fail would only dignify it".

 

[Ben7]

"If you looked up idiot in the dictionary there would be a picture of you there"
"emmm you are the one looking up idiot"

 

[fogmike]

-To my South African friend
Friend: I got 92 on my essay!
Me: But.... you're black...

Classic!

I was talking to a group of friends, and I saw my mate Tristan who I was meeting the next day - cept something had come up I sort of knew about. I shouted "Tristan! You can't come, can you?" He shouts back "No!"

My friends just cracked up. It took me a while to work out why