What is the funniest / most interesting thing that your teacher has said

[spartan1077]

"Think of molecules like atoms having sex. Chloe and Sodium are walking through the mall, see a nice closet and sneak inside for a little rump. Come back out and they can't get out of eachother...also think of them like orgies if there is more than two atoms"

"Ever notice how a heart kind've looks like two twins having sex?
*draws two hearts together*
And that looks like an orgy..."

That was... amazing. Can I have your science teacher?

I don't think I can sell him...but you can have another of his stories

"There was this one story I read some time ago and it was about a man who killed a cat. So the story goes this man is driving along in the winter and hits a bump. So he gets out to see what he hit and sees this cat, twitching on the snowbank. He grabs a shovel from the back of his truck, gives the cat two whacks, and then puts both in the trunk. Later that day the cops showed up at his house and arrested him for cruelty to animals. They show him the grill of his truck and he sees a cat stuck there. Turned out the cat he killed was being walked by someone and he hit a different cat. Funny story right?"

 

[Kakashi on crack]

Probably my choir teacher when we were singing "Good King Kong" by P.D.Q. Bach (or however you spell his name)

He said "Don't get your dongs and clunks mixed up!"

 

[Vildleder]

My maths teacher is a great guy. He comes from France, so naturally his Danish isn't that great, and this leads to many memorable lines.

Second lesson at the start of the year, we are discussing the whole dividing by half each time will never get you zero thing. To try and explain it he uses a rather nice allegory; if you have a cake, and you keep taking half of the cake away, you will never reach zero cake, therefore, infinite cake!

We laughed a lot at that one

The other quite memorable one liner was during an argument about whether the use of computer programs to do the more complicated maths for us is detrimental to our education, he said and I quote; "the point is to do as little work as possible" (translated from Danish of course).

So our maths class is a pretty cool place. We do as little work as possible and we have infinite cake

EDIT: Came up with another one, this time from my old Biology teacher. While explaining how moths eat cotton balls from the inside, he drew a cotton ball and a moth-larvae inside, the proceeded to rub out the cotton ball from the inside, while saying, quite loudly, "omnomnomnom"

Then he showed us how a seagull flies by demonstrating it, flapping his arms and screeching. I miss the old bugger, I did manage to get a hug from him before I left though

 

[Mordwyl]

Way back when I was a child, I asked my teacher the grand question:

"Sir, what's the negative form of 'I know'?"
"I don't know."
"Come on, tell me."
"I don't know?"
"Cut it out and tell me already!"

He burst laughing and took me years to understand why.

 

[Parvutoiu Catalin]

I'm from Romania...and teachers are usually 55 year old that dream about retirement. They say tons of funny shit. But the most memorable (translated and yelling) is : "You're a class of asswipes and i'm the head of this class"

 

[Parvutoiu Catalin]

Off Topic: This reminds me being in a bar once. And asking a guy if he knew what band is playing ? He kept saying "The Other Words" And i kept asking him adding please and may you tell me. I think he almost popped a blood vessel laughing until i finally got it (in romanian "the Other Words" sound like you're telling someone to be more polite)

 

[Death God]

Well.... one day in my Science class my teacher was letting us goof off and a few girls were messing with his computer with him watching it. Everyone was talking and he yells out, "NO! That hole is NOT used for that! EVER!" Everyone went silent and and he looked at us and said, "What? A live wire does not go into an electrical socket! That is just stupid!"

 

[captaincabbage]

How many failures do we have here class?....10?...no!...we have 27 failures in this class and we have 28 people in this room.

lol that's awesome. If I ever become a teacher I'll be sure to use that.

OT: My old English Seamus once said "Oi, shit-head! Get to the office and report that you're late!" to a kid who walked into class late. It was funny as hell and the entire class burst out laughing.
He was usually fine with profanity if it was in context e.g. a book or film, but he said to my class famously that sometimes, searing tits off was the best route to expending your frustration.

He was probably the greatest teacher I've ever had, and he always said that if he referred to us by our first names then we could refer to him by his first name. He had this thing about respect which I really dug and I still do.

 

[Dimensional Vortex]

Mr Frost: Why weren't you here on Tuesday and Wednesday Jake?
Jake: Uh, well I was sick.
Mr Frost: Did you vomit?
Jake:
Mr Frost: You know *pretends to vomit with his hand as the puke*
Jake: Uhm, well yea.
Mr Frost: Okay that is cool
Jake: Why did you want to know?
Mr Frost: Bored I guess

There was one other time that was really weird

Mr Frost: Hey Jake.
Jake: Yea.
Mr Frost: What did you do last Friday?
Jake: Um I just stayed home.
Mr Frost: Cool, cool...Hey Jake?
Jake: Yes?
Mr Frost: Where do you live?
Jake

This seriously happened to me, I wonder what he said to other kids when I was not around.

 

[DatedSandwich]

My English teacher when trying to explain to us an easy way to remember how to spell the ending of Onomatopoeia, told us to just say "Porn often ends in Ahhhhhhhhhhhh" in our heads.

When reading the poem "Two Scavengers in a Truck, two beautiful people in a mercedes." He told us that the man in the mercedes was over compensating, adding "Broom Broom, I HAVE A MASSIVE *BROOM* PENIS!" Then adding to it, "Mental note, shut classroom door when about to make outrageous statements."

When teaching us Romeo and Juliet for our Shakespeare essays, he made us do a little re-enactment of the play in the classroom, and during the sword fight at the start, he held the foil to his crotch and, while shaking it, yelled "I SHAKE MY NAKED WEAPON AT YOU!"

 

[Andalusa]

Once my english teacher, now my form tutor, Mr Lewiski is a legend in the school. He comes out with the weirdest insults including "demented camel" and "facist swine" my favourites being "hamster", "peasant" and "you viking".
He's the teacher I'll miss the most when I leave.

 

[Spawny0908]

My biology professor Shotwell came up with THE best way of remembering the order for biological classification.
(Biological classification: Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species)

"Keep privates clean or forget getting sex".

Shotwell you are AWESOME!!!

xD

 

[InsanityBaronOfAtrocity]

"I'll put you in hospital"
"shutup you're lying"

Both by the same welsh fella. Laughed for ages.

 

[enriel]

I had a substitute teacher for math once. When class started we were supposed to be learning algebra. By the time it had finished the entire board was filled with quantum mechanics and various insane ramblings about time travel, black holes and other such nonsense. What a cool guy.

Also, my high school adviser liked to take "liar liar, pants on fire" and turn it into ye olde English version of "provocateur provocateur, pantaloons aflame."

Quite excellent.

 

[MrJKapowey]

W is Mr Wallace, deputy head of Geog and head of year 10.
M is Mr Mead, my History teacher.

M:*cold war stuff*
*W opens door and walks in*
*we all stand up*
W:sit down boys. Can I speak to Xavier please?
M:Sure. What've you done now Xavier?
X:nothing.
W: how are your students mr Mead?
M: fine, a little bit chatty.
W: well, we all like to chat a bit in lessons when it gets tedious (sniping at history).
*W and X walk out*
M Especially in Geography. 'Cause it's Fucking shit.

--------------------------------------------------------

In History again. Discussin the 'orgy' at the beginning of Charlie Wilsons war.
Mrs Booth is the head of staff-student relations, *****, a really devoted catholic, *****, a disciplinarian, and a *****.

M:Look boys, I can't show you the sex scene. It's more than my jobs worth!
Class: plz plz plz plz.
M: Besides knowing my luck that trainee teacher will walk in when it's showing. Or Mrs. Booth will swing through the window, crusifix in one hand, the sack in the other. Screaming:

MAY THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELL YOU!

He actually shouted that at the top of his voice.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Meado comparing another history teacher to Nikita Khrushchev. Then telling someone from Mr. Ellis' class who came for a spare chair to tell him that!

------------------------------------------------------------

Mrs Hailstone our English teacher. Describing 2:4 of Romeo and Juliet.

H:...The conversation between Romeo and Mercutio is Banterous (banter is basically informal talking and taking the piss out of people. See eg 1 at the top).

Class:Ma'am, can we use Banterous in our controlled assessment?

H:no.

I'll go and think of some more from last year.

 

[MrJKapowey]

Mr Gueye (french) from the Ivory Coast has a VERY thick accent and doesn't understand informal language or slang. When Noah was asked a question he replied 'I didn't understand'. He couldn't understand Mr Gueye. Not the French (he got 98% in end of years last year). Mr Gueye then proceeded to explain how he was here to help...

G: I'm here to help. The govahment, dey pay me so you get good clever. You need to use my resources (taps head to signify his knowledge). You gotta use me. I want you to use me. You need to turn me on like a car to use me. You can use me because tha govahment have paid me. Then you can use me. You gotta ride me, ride me. Ride me like a motorcycle and turn me on. You've got to use me to get a good mark!

 

[Creator002]

"Shut up, you fuckers."

I laughed. He thought I was laughing AT him, so he told me to get out. I went to my friend's house. He was home for the day because he'd finished classes.

EDIT - I've got another. My programming teacher has a stutter (I'm not teasing people with one. I have one too.) and he once did it on "fucking". It was something like: I can't stand that fu-fu-fu-fucking sound.

OK, not that funny in text, but it was the way he said it.

 

[pearcinator]

My English teacher. We were discussing what 'pleasure' means...it of course led to a discussion on sex...but then my teacher said that if "someone cant get sex then they would pay for it" and all the girls thought it was the most revolting thing they'd heard while all the guys just nodded in agreement lol

 

[Screamarie]

A professor giving a lecture over something we had read (this is year ago, can't remember what.)

Dr. Barkowsky: What's wrong with heaven?
Class: *blank stares*
Dr. Barkowsky: There's no sex!