"So there was this one cat right? And I guess it had rabies. So I was looking out my window at the cat and it was running around some person's yard, frothing from the mouth and all that shit. So anyways, I guess someone was scared and called the police because two cops pulled up. As soon as they got out, the one cop takes out his gun and shoots the cat. So I run outside to see more and I see the cat struggling on the ground, still alive.
*demonstrates what cat was doing*
So the cop shrugs and shoots it again. And it still DOESN'T DIE! So he starts slamming it with bullets, BOOM BOOM BOOM and finally the cat starts to twitch and move again! They had to walk up and shoot it in the head...and this shows something about anatomy"
"...I'll tell you how spiders mate. The female spider is a real *****. She hates the male and doesn't really want to procreate so she has to be raped...so the male will go to her web and walk down to her, then get his head bitten off and his body devoured...at some point the male spider got smarter and probably flicked the web a little or something and saw the female fall asleep...for a second. So he plays the whole song and when she's asleep he goes, rapes her and then she wakes up and eats him."
"Instead of doing science, we're watching Sweeny Todd...what the fuck! This is a musical?"
"Okay, so the friendly, tall, angry, loving, caring, grumpy, tired ostrich sticks in head in the ground a metre from a convex mirror..."
"I used to have this Asian professor for physics. And he tried teaching us Reflection and Refractions but because he was Asian it sounded like,
"Refwactions and refwactions awe vewwwy diffewent."
Never quite understood him"
"See, now Isaac Newton was a real douchebag..."
"...and I would be pissed off if I looked like that too..."
*stares at kid who randomly stands up during class and then makes excuses*
"You know what your problem is? You have ADHD. You stand up and I look you in the eye and I see that you have no idea what's going on..."
"Get me pictures of clouds for a project we won't actually do..."
"Okay, so this is hydrochloric acid
*demonstrates acidic abilities*
Okay now after I take a handful of this
*grabs powder(it was some sort of base)*
and neutralize the acid
*takes a drink*
Tastes like vinegar...anyone want a glass?"
"All hail mighty google...sometimes when you guys are working I'll just sit at my desk and google random things..."
"It's got them fangs!...what were we talking about?"
"Ni! Ni! Ni! And now to chemistry..."
"It's like that one thing in Monty Python...what is your favourite color...blue no red no AHHHHH!"
Any quote from Holy Grail he pretty much did...
"Okay word association because that's something to do with your brain"
"The education system is a joke..."
"Evolution is not a theory. It's the truth!(I go to a catholic school...I loved him for that)"
"Think of molecules like atoms having sex. Chloe and Sodium are walking through the mall, see a nice closet and sneak inside for a little rump. Come back out and they can't get out of eachother...also think of them like orgies if there is more than two atoms"
"Ever notice how a heart kind've looks like two twins having sex?
*draws two hearts together*
And that looks like an orgy..."