what is the greatest joke you have ever heard?
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Eb Gb and Bb walk into a bar, trying to order a drink. The bartender shouts at them and immediately tosses them out of the bar. "Why'd you kick us out?" They ask
The bartender responds "We don't serve minors"
The bartender responds "We don't serve minors"
Where did Caesar keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
It was just so awful that it had me in stitches.
I killed all witnesses.
Up his sleevies.
It was just so awful that it had me in stitches.
I killed all witnesses.
Man is chasing three women: A red head, a brunette and a blonde.
The girls run into a farm to hide. Red head looks around and jumps into pig pen, man looks for girl around pig pen, man says "I know you're here somewhere", girl makes pig sounds. Man moves on.
Brunette looks around and jumps into Chicken coop. Man looks around chicken coop saying "I know you're here somewhere", Brunette makes chicken sounds Man moves on.
Blonde looks around and jumps into sack of potatoes. Man looks around area of potatoes saying "I know you're here somewhere", blonde says "Po-ta-to". Man runs away screaming.
Joke much better when told right.
The girls run into a farm to hide. Red head looks around and jumps into pig pen, man looks for girl around pig pen, man says "I know you're here somewhere", girl makes pig sounds. Man moves on.
Brunette looks around and jumps into Chicken coop. Man looks around chicken coop saying "I know you're here somewhere", Brunette makes chicken sounds Man moves on.
Blonde looks around and jumps into sack of potatoes. Man looks around area of potatoes saying "I know you're here somewhere", blonde says "Po-ta-to". Man runs away screaming.
Joke much better when told right.
The funniest joke i ever heard was actually from my old supervisor (who was this gruff old Serbian man), and the reason it was so hilarious was because he kept botching it every time he tried to tell it to someone new.
The joke:
A man walks up to a cashier and says "Hi there, i would like to buy some green and white pants, a green and white shirt, a green and white cap and green and white socks, please."
The Cashier says "You're a Michigan State Spartan fan, aren't you?"
The man says "Why yes! How did you know? It was the colours, wasn't it?"
The Cashier replies: "No sir, this is a hardware store."
My boss could never get the colours right, and being a bit of a foreigner, didn't grasp that everyone he was telling the joke too KNEW the colours of the Spartans, and so when he'd say "Purple and blue" instead of "Green and White" (or something), the people he was telling the joke to would always get hung up on that and not get the joke.. "But the Spartans are Green and White, not purple and blue. I don't get it?"
This would happen on a near daily basis at work, and eventually when it did i would have to excuse myself from the office to laugh my ass off.
The joke:
A man walks up to a cashier and says "Hi there, i would like to buy some green and white pants, a green and white shirt, a green and white cap and green and white socks, please."
The Cashier says "You're a Michigan State Spartan fan, aren't you?"
The man says "Why yes! How did you know? It was the colours, wasn't it?"
The Cashier replies: "No sir, this is a hardware store."
My boss could never get the colours right, and being a bit of a foreigner, didn't grasp that everyone he was telling the joke too KNEW the colours of the Spartans, and so when he'd say "Purple and blue" instead of "Green and White" (or something), the people he was telling the joke to would always get hung up on that and not get the joke.. "But the Spartans are Green and White, not purple and blue. I don't get it?"
This would happen on a near daily basis at work, and eventually when it did i would have to excuse myself from the office to laugh my ass off.
i thought that Rocko's joke from THe Boondock Saints was funny, in an inappropriate way.
Here's a link to it. Be warned (if you've never seen the movie), it contains racial slurs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKKur8C4WVg
Here's a link to it. Be warned (if you've never seen the movie), it contains racial slurs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKKur8C4WVg
Turtles At A Picnic
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."
[small]Its funny![/small]
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."
[small]Its funny![/small]
A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I?ve been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 30 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no." The old man starts to cry again...
The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me McGregor the dockbuilder? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see that ship out there? I?ve been fishing these waters for my village for 35 years! But do they call me McGregor the fisherman? No, no."
The old man continued, "And see all the crops in the farms out there? I planted and have been farming those crops for my village for nearly 30 years! But do they call me McGregor the farmer? No, no." The old man starts to cry again...
"But you fuck one goat..."
One of my favorites is:
Question: How many kittens does it take to clog a pool filter?
Answer: (with a crazy look in your eye) Six.
I love dark humor.
Question: How many kittens does it take to clog a pool filter?
Answer: (with a crazy look in your eye) Six.
I love dark humor.
Three blondes are walking in the woods (yes, a blonde joke).
Along the way, they see a set of tracks on the ground.
One says "Those are deer tracks."
"No," another retorts, "those are bear tracks."
"You're both wrong," the third replies triumphantly. "Those are tire tracks."
They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.
Along the way, they see a set of tracks on the ground.
One says "Those are deer tracks."
"No," another retorts, "those are bear tracks."
"You're both wrong," the third replies triumphantly. "Those are tire tracks."
They were still arguing about it when the train hit them.