Would you remain married to your spouse if they became disabled or deformed?

[sb666]

Would maintain your marriage with someone who's become disabled or deformed in some way? If so, what type of disability would you be willing to tolerate, and which type would you not be able to tolerate? This is a question that came to mind when reading about a story concerning a mother who became paralyzed during childbirth due to massive blood lose which lead to brain damage. Her husband divorced her and took the children away. Here's the story.
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/03/25/brain-damaged-mom-granted-visitation-rights-triplets-despite-ex-husbands/ also what are your opinions on this article

 

[Kpt._Rob]

So basically you're asking if I'd pull a Newt Gingrich? No, I certainly hope I would not. I don't want to be involved in a relationship so shallow that I would leave it just because of something like that. I try to have some basic human decency.

 

[Hader]

I don't think I would ever divorce over such a thing. People can't control everything in this world so to divorce over a disability of some sort is just weak in my eyes. Shows little to no compassion.

 

[Dags90]

I certainly wouldn't stay married to a vegetable, or anyone whose mental capacity was so diminished they couldn't make legal decisions. The only real exception to that would be age related dementia because I'd probably assume dating was over for me by then.

I don't think I can really give any better explanation than that.

 

[King of the Sandbox]

As long as she still had a vagina, I'm down. Oh, and a mouth.

...for talking, you pervs.

 

[ultrachicken]

If my relationship is so shallow that my spouse has no value to me other than physical looks, then I would probably divorce for that reason as opposed to because of the deformation.

 

[gammazuma]

I think this question is an absolute joke. If/When I marry, it will be for love. And I will not divorce that person for such idiotic reasons as physical appearance. Let me say this here and say this now, physical appearance only matters in porn.

 

[RagnorakTres]

A physical disfigurement wouldn't bother me in the least, as long as my wife didn't let it change who she was when I married her. Since I'm mostly going to be looking for mental stimulation and some form of social skills to counteract my crippling hatred of almost every human being on the planet, physical disfigurement in no way stands to damage our relationship in my mind.

If she was reduced to a vegetable with no chance of recovery? I don't know about divorce (it's kind of up in the air whether we'd be "married" in the eyes of the law or not), but I'd certainly start looking around for another partner after an appropriate period of mourning (in order to appease what passes for society on this half of the globe).

If she was put into a coma with some hope of recovery? Again, I don't think I'd divorce my spouse, but as one of my mental criteria is "Heinlein-esque definition of sexual morality" I'd probably start looking around for another partner (assuming we didn't already have one, which is entirely possible if my wife does have a Heinlein-esque definition of sexual morality), albeit more discreetly.

 

[TriggerHappyAngel]

As long as she still had a vagina, I'm down. Oh, and a mouth.

...for talking, you pervs.

Women can talk with their vaginas?

OT: yes I would; love is love and a change in looks won't change that.

 

[Thaluikhain]

I'd like to be able to say that I'd stay by my spouse no matter what, but until you are put in that situation, how can you say?

[small]Well...I sort can say in that I'm not married and don't intend to be[/small]

 

[Dags90]

That man deserves to be fucking shot. I mean I can understand him divorcing her. As much of a dick as that makes him I can at least understand it. But denying her access to the kids she gave so much for.
Drag that animal out back and shoot him in the back of the head. If by some miracle he survives (it does happen occasionally) and is severely disabled because of it, deny him access to his kids.

Anyway I do not think I would ever divorce my wife for such a thing. The only thing I can think of that would make me separate (not legally just not be around her) from her is if she had a psychotic break and became violent. But even then it would just be temporary until the Doctors manage to fix her enough that I could visit without her being a threat to anyone.

You do realize that it's his in-laws who are petitioning, because his wife is so mentally incapacitated that she's had her legal rights handed over? Their lawyer even said, "Even though Abbie can't interact with the kids, the kids can interact with Abbie,"

I really don't think the grandparents should be in a position to be making these decisions. The kids aren't theirs to raise and their daughter isn't mentally fit to raise them either. It actually seems kind of grotesque to me to parade a woman who is essentially a new Terri Schiavo as a "mother". She's a husk, a shell that a person once lived in. Unless it can be shown that she, against was medical doctors said initially, has recovered from her previous state of being unable to respond to stimuli.

From 2007:

In a 2007 medical report filed during court proceedings to name the Cohens as Abbie's conservators, neurologist Richard Helvie described her condition as "permanent." The report contained a long catalog of mental functions; Helvie described Abbie as "so impaired as to be incapable of being assessed" for most of them.

The grandparents' own doctor said she was in a permanent vegetative state when naming them conservators of her estate. The grandparents are deluding themselves into thinking there's a person in there because that's what they want to believe. And they're going to drag the kids in to see a living corpse of their mother if they have to.

 

[Craorach]

Ultrachicken, to suggest that these issues are only about looks is rather insulting to anyone involved in such a situation. Sudden physical and mental disability can render a person completely different to the person they were before.. even something as "simple" as a mental breakdown can change a person and their relationships for ever. Furthermore, parents need to be ultimately concerned with what is good for their children above all other concerns.

In this man's situation, not only does he need to care for three young children.. but he would also have had to care for a fully grown adult with all the capability of a baby. It is not unreasonable for him to say that this is simply to much work for one man alone. When it comes to the mothers "access" to the children the first and only important aspect is how it will effect those children.. you know, the children who she was giving birth to when she was so terrible injured. At their current age they will simply not grasp the situation and likely be slightly afraid. As they mature, they will ask questions, and unless answered with more care than is reasonably possible there may well be feelings of guilt and blame tossed around between the siblings.

The situation is terrible, however it is the long term mental and social wellbeing of the children that is important.

 

[Dags90]

The article says she is paralysed. Not brain dead. She may not be able to move or talk or eat on her own but she is not a husk. Her mind is still active. So to take away her even being able to see her kids is disgusting.
The grandparents are not petitioning for her to be their main guardian. Only visitation rights. That is not too much to ask.
Besides. Considering the way the father is handling this I do not think he is fit to raise children either.

She is paralyzed. But she is also brain damaged. Severely. Terry Schiavo bad. The dad wants to spare his children knowing their mother as a living corpse and promises from grandma that "she's getting better".

The reporting on this has been absolutely terrible. As I edited later, the grandparents' doctor (who are doing all the petitioning) testified she was in a permanent vegetative state with no hope of recovery when her estate was being settled. Now that may have changed, but the grandparents' role should have been to petition for a reevaluation first, not to decide their daughter had come back and should see her children. The father recently petitioned for a new evaluation.

 

[LetalisK]

I like how some people(and more will) are white knighting it and saying they'd never leave because their so deeply in love with the person they married....yet completely ignore the fact that if the disability is bad enough the person they married is already dead and they are actually just staying with the person because they still look like the person they married. Or in other words, they are what they rage against: shallow and focused on the physical aspect of the person.

Personally, it would depend on the severity of it and I'm not sure where I would draw the line. I do know that if she were brain dead, for instance, and were being kept artificially alive then I would leave. In this case, my wife would have already died. The rest of the body just hasn't gotten the memo yet.

 

[Twilight_guy]

No, probably not. It'd a be a real pain for quiet some time though and I wonder if I'd have the gumption to continue to do it.

 

[Jessta]

depends of course on how my spouse takes the deformity. If she became a complete ***** and it ruined her personality, probably. I wouldn't be guilted into staying in a relation ship ruining my life because their life got ruined. This is coming from someone who is young has only had four girlfriends, two of which went behind my back and cheated on me, another of which was really naggy the entire time and wanted me to devote my life to worshiping her, and the last of which was when we were so young we were just hitting puberty. So I can't say I'm particularly well versed with love, however, I have had allot of friend ships and I understand that people change over time. We are shaped by the experiences we go through, and if me and my spouse no longer 'fitted together' I would break up with them.
If my spouse accepted the deformity and decided to take it like a champ I would certainly remain with her, I'm not saying if they were upset about it I would break up with them, just if it spoiled their overall personality so much as to make me no longer enjoy being in their company. I'm also not saying I would make the judgment immediately, I would probably make it over the course of a year or so and if it just didn't work out with us anymore... Ya I'd divorce her. Its similar to why I don't go out with fat chicks around here, most are really senstive about their weight and are constantly trying to have you prove your loyalty because of it. Not because I hate fat chicks... Although I do see allot of people who are saying a relationship that could be ruined by the bodies no longer being compatible is a shallow relation ship, and I have to ask.
If you found someone you loved, not sexually but just completely mentally, a best friend who thought just like you and wasn't afraid to show their emotions, for example, someone of the same gender as you, would you turn gay for them and marry them? It's something I've personally thought allot on, I know several of the guys who I would honest to god take a bullet for, however, the thought of marrying them is just completely alien and disturbing to me... I understand I have physical needs and believe the difference between friendship and love is lust, how about you?

 

[Edbin]

Speaking as someone who has married somebody with a genetic disability which could quite possibly lead to her body becoming more disfigured as she grows older...

I do not believe that bringing children up in a household with a parent who is seriously disabled is negative. In fact, unless the father's attitude damages them, by far the majority of children brought up in this environment grow and mature into much stronger, compassionate and well-rounded individuals than people in a 'normal' household. The father's actions may well have been detrimental to their development, particularly their emotional development once they discover what he has done.

What sort of example is he giving his children by abandoning their mother at her time of greatest need? He had a choice, and he did have the option of getting help - there are always organisations that will offer help and support in these situations.

In answer to the question - of course I would stay married. I married for love, because of who she is, not because I just wanted to legitimise sleeping with someone or felt good about having her take my name. I made a commitment because of who she is, and to whoever she becomes. Everybody changes as we grow older and circumstances affect us. Part of marriage is dealing with those changes and growing through them.

 

[Dags90]

What sort of example is he giving his children by abandoning their mother at her time of greatest need? He had a choice, and he did have the option of getting help - there are always organisations that will offer help and support in these situations.

He left his wife in 2007 when a neurologist told him she was in a permanent vegetative state. Almost a year after the botched delivery. Hardly her time of "greatest need". She isn't just "a paralyzed mother". She's a "paralyzed mother who hasn't been reliably shown to be able to respond to stimuli". When he left her, he also left a 7.8 million dollar settlement that her parents are now using to mount their legal battle.