Your best Joke Ever.
- Thread starter greenflash
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There was this really ugly chick that liked my friend Ben.
Ben: Why don't I just ask her out loose my virginity and then dump her?
Me: Because that's like learning how to drive by stepping in front of a truck.
Ben: Why don't I just ask her out loose my virginity and then dump her?
Me: Because that's like learning how to drive by stepping in front of a truck.
Bahahaha, that is brilliant. Good play, sir, good play. I needed that laugh. And it certainly did make the argument invalid.....comadorcrack said:
OT:
Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels
Not even that good but a friend of mine found it hilarious
What's big, hard and full of semen?
A boat, you sick fuck ("semen" is pronounced similar to "seaman".)
God I hope I'm not probated again.
A boat, you sick fuck ("semen" is pronounced similar to "seaman".)
God I hope I'm not probated again.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
There are three prisoners about to go to a judge, and he gives them two choices. Death, or oonga-boonga. The first prisoner says oonga-boonga, and the bailiff takes him into a room with a 500 pound man who proceeds to rape him. When the second prisoner is given the choice, the first says "Pick death! Pick death!" Unfortunately for him, he chose oonga-boonga, and the same thing happened. When it was the third one's turn, the first and second one screamed "PICK DEATH! PICK DEATH!" So he chose death. The judge replied "Very well. Death... by oonga-boonga.
OK here we go. My joke is more of a funny story
There were two brothers who were extremely wealthy from there crooked dealings. These two were rotten to the core, when local people were asked, they would nervously look around and tell you not to talk about the brothers, they were that mean.
One day, the younger brother dies of a heart attack. The older brother begins to worry "What will they say at his funeral, anything they say about him is true for me as well." So the older brother decides to hire a preacher to say that his brother was a saint. "$100,000 dollars if you call my brother a saint." No one would do it until finally a Southern Baptist Preacher said he would.
On the day of the funeral, the place was packed. None cared about the brother, they were glad he was dead, they just wanted to see the Preacher purger (legal term for lie) himself before God.
"In life he was a cheat, a thief, dirty, rotten, a horrible person all the way around. But compared to his brother he was a saint
There were two brothers who were extremely wealthy from there crooked dealings. These two were rotten to the core, when local people were asked, they would nervously look around and tell you not to talk about the brothers, they were that mean.
One day, the younger brother dies of a heart attack. The older brother begins to worry "What will they say at his funeral, anything they say about him is true for me as well." So the older brother decides to hire a preacher to say that his brother was a saint. "$100,000 dollars if you call my brother a saint." No one would do it until finally a Southern Baptist Preacher said he would.
On the day of the funeral, the place was packed. None cared about the brother, they were glad he was dead, they just wanted to see the Preacher purger (legal term for lie) himself before God.
"In life he was a cheat, a thief, dirty, rotten, a horrible person all the way around. But compared to his brother he was a saint
Ok how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
and a longer one...
A man walks into a bar and there is a real pirate sitting on a stool by the corner.
He's one of the old school types with a eye patch, peg leg, and parrot...the works.
So the guy goes up to him and says,
'wow are you a real pirate?'
'Arr i be a pirate t'is true' says the pirate.
So the fella says.
'Well I've always wanted to meat a real pirate and do you mind if i buy you some drinks and ask a few questions?'
'Aye that be OK by me' the pirate responds.
So the man orders some drinks and sets about asking his questions. First he asks about the peg leg and how the pirate got it. To which the pirate responds by telling him about the time he was boarding a ship and got it cut off in a heroic battle. Then he asks about the hook hand. The pirate then tells him about the time he was lost on the open ocean in a rowing boat and how during a storm he lost his ores and had to paddle by hand and how a massive shark had just chomped it off.
'Wow that's amazing, so how did you get the patch' says the man.
The pirate looks a bit embarrassed but eventually says 'Arr it be the parrot that cost me an eye'
'The parrot?...how did that happen then?' the man asks
The pirate then says 'Well i be on the deck when the look out shouted down to me that he could see land. So i looks up at him and me parrot fly's over head just at that moment and shit in me eye'
'but that wouldn't cause you to loose an eye though' says the man
to which the pirate responds
'Yarr that be true, but it was me first day with the hook ya see'
Two...though how they got in the bulb in the first place is beyond me
and a longer one...
A man walks into a bar and there is a real pirate sitting on a stool by the corner.
He's one of the old school types with a eye patch, peg leg, and parrot...the works.
So the guy goes up to him and says,
'wow are you a real pirate?'
'Arr i be a pirate t'is true' says the pirate.
So the fella says.
'Well I've always wanted to meat a real pirate and do you mind if i buy you some drinks and ask a few questions?'
'Aye that be OK by me' the pirate responds.
So the man orders some drinks and sets about asking his questions. First he asks about the peg leg and how the pirate got it. To which the pirate responds by telling him about the time he was boarding a ship and got it cut off in a heroic battle. Then he asks about the hook hand. The pirate then tells him about the time he was lost on the open ocean in a rowing boat and how during a storm he lost his ores and had to paddle by hand and how a massive shark had just chomped it off.
'Wow that's amazing, so how did you get the patch' says the man.
The pirate looks a bit embarrassed but eventually says 'Arr it be the parrot that cost me an eye'
'The parrot?...how did that happen then?' the man asks
The pirate then says 'Well i be on the deck when the look out shouted down to me that he could see land. So i looks up at him and me parrot fly's over head just at that moment and shit in me eye'
'but that wouldn't cause you to loose an eye though' says the man
to which the pirate responds
'Yarr that be true, but it was me first day with the hook ya see'
This is my standard party joke, it also helps that it's entirely inoffensive:
A middle age man becomes disillusioned with western life and tired of the rat race. So he goes to live with some Tibetan monks in a temple hidden deep in the mountains. All who dwell there have to take a vow of silence, only allowed to say two words every 7 years.
So he goes there, and prays and meditates for 7 years in silence. After which he goes to the head monk and says: "Bad food." The monk nods and the man goes back for another 7 years of prayer and peace. After another 7 years he approaches the head monk and says: "Cold floors." The monk nods.
7 more years pass of prayer and meditation, and the man approaches the head monk and says: "I quit."
The head monk nods and says: "That's not surprising, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
A middle age man becomes disillusioned with western life and tired of the rat race. So he goes to live with some Tibetan monks in a temple hidden deep in the mountains. All who dwell there have to take a vow of silence, only allowed to say two words every 7 years.
So he goes there, and prays and meditates for 7 years in silence. After which he goes to the head monk and says: "Bad food." The monk nods and the man goes back for another 7 years of prayer and peace. After another 7 years he approaches the head monk and says: "Cold floors." The monk nods.
7 more years pass of prayer and meditation, and the man approaches the head monk and says: "I quit."
The head monk nods and says: "That's not surprising, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
