Your best Joke Ever.

[LarenzoAOG]

Not exactly a joke but while veiwing a play in middle-school the line "sit, relax" came about and I said "take off you pants and make a sandwich", said jest was want to set the auditorium aroar.

While staying the night at a friends house he got a nose bleed, my reaction was "You shouldn't have done that blow off that hookers ass".

My favorite, while not a joke or one-liner, while listening to an inspirational speech, the guy giving the speech told us about how his mother was killed by the mob and later he found out his older sister was actually his mom, I sorta just blurted out "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN" everyone else thought it was funny but I was genuinely shocked.

 

[TheRobotandtheBeast]

Spoiler: Whats funnier than a baby on a washing line spinning at 200mph?

Stopping it with a shovel

 

[rockera]

Jack Thompson.

Ok that was a low blow so here's another one, people say Latin is a dead language, it's not. All you have to is add US onto a describing word, for example a book is 'loadus wordus', a plate is 'foodus holdus' and Jack Thompson is 'Dickheadus Maximus'

ha bigus dickus
[small]monty python for the win! [/small]

 

[Squilookle]

(also if you care to check out what I was put on probation for... I thought it was pretty funny)

Yeah, I'll give you that one. Made me laugh when I saw it, I laughed again when I realised what the text was, and started laughing harder and harder as I read through it all in it's 'new' form...

 

[The Rockerfly]

ha bigus dickus
[small]monty python for the win! [/small]

I can top that

A man comes into bar
Oh wait sorry I it was a horse
A man comes into a horse...

I lol'd hard when I first heard that joke

 

[sageoftruth]

I made a few in the past few years.
#1
Friend: I was wondering, do you even have a sex drive?

PC Gamer: Not sure. Let me check my computer.
(Don't worry, I play PC games too)

#2 (I apoligize in advance. I came up with these while working in banking)
Friend 1: So after I fell, my wallet fell out of my pocket and my bank card fell down the manhole nearby.

Friend 2: My God! That's terrible!

Friend 1: Yeah! I think I lost my balance.

3#
Banker: Are you here to take out another loan?

Client: No, not this time.

Banker: Why the sudden change?

Client: I lost interest.

 

[Irony's Acolyte]

There are three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

Oh and here's another one:
What's the difference between a lemon, a monster, and a bag of cement?
You can squeeze a lemon but you can't squeeze a monster.

 

[Sir Thomas Sean Connery]

If you had an Uncle named Jack, and he was stuck on a horse, would you help your Jack off a horse?

Also, RACISM!!!

Spoiler: Why don't black Mexicans get anywhere in life?

They're too lazy to steal anything.

 

[ShatteredBlack]

Q. Why did the horse win the Nobel prize?

A. 'Cause he was out standing in his field!

xD

 

[Imp Poster]

Since there is elections this November,

Q: What is the difference between a politician and a criminal?

A: Criminals steal, then run.

 

[Mr Fixit]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[Mr Fixit]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[Mr Fixit]

damn it...

 

[ManaAdvent]

What tastes better than Canadian bacon?

Kevin Bacon

 

[zombiestrangler]

Lots of racist ones i wont share.

Same here. I will tell this one though:
A man moves is moving into a small town. A neighbor comes by and knocks on the door.
"Hey there, neighbor. I just wanted to come by and invite you to a party I'm having up the road. There'll be drinking and fucking and fighting and it's sure to be a blast."
" Ok," says the first man," Should I wear anything nice?"
" No," says the neighbor,"It's just gonna be you and me."

 

[darthotaku]

in the spoiler box for anti-semitism

Spoiler

how many jews can you fit in a volkswagon? four in the seats and fifty in the ash trey