Your Shittiest Sidequests Ever

[DementedSheep]

Not all of this quest chain is bad but the one in skyrim where you have to go to the sanctuary to get sap for the gildergreen if you let the guy come along and didn't already have that location unlocked. I don't hate escort quest, sometimes I even like them but not when the person your suppose to be escorting runs off and tries bash every enemy that comes even remotely near you to death with their pitiful fists. Especially not when the route to get to the sanctuary require you to go past a tower populated by bandits which would normally be easily avoidable if the npc wasn't retarded.
If he get injured and you heal him he says "I suppose you think this makes you better than me cause you can do that?" in the most obnoxious voice. Fuck you inconsequential npc!

Fetch quests, "kill X amount of X" or "gather X amount of X by killing X" are annoying and boring but not rage inducing.

 

[Casual Shinji]

Thane's loyalty mission in Mass Effect 2. You talk to some guy, then you tail some guy, and then it's over. And just fucking boring, and Thane himself is already a drag.

 

[WeepingAngels]

I think most side quests are padding and time wasters. I started ignoring them long ago, I'll still accept them just to shut the quest giver up and then I won't give them a second thought.

Most recently, I guess some old guy in P4G wants some Coal. He'll get it if I happen to talk to him with Coal in my inventory and only then. I have come to despise games that almost completely revolve around sidequests, like many WRPG's.

 

[Nomad]

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I love Skyrim, but OH GOD does it have some awful sidequests.

My choice for the worst is one that you really HAVE to complete if you want to have any standing in Windhelm, or if you want a house there. Because the house belongs to a serial killer (this kind of thing seems to happen a lot in Tamriel apparently.) And you have to "catch" the killer.

Spoiler tags coming. I hope they work.

Spoiler

So you start by offering your services to the town guards at the cemetary, where the remains of a crime scene have been found. (Shock - dead body in graveyard! I know, right?) Only it turns out that this particular body was butchered by a serial killer who's been "offing" people in Windhelm for some time. Since the guards are all busy with the ongoing war effort, it's down to your friendly neighbourhood Dragonborn to solve this hideous crime! Or, as it turns out, not to do so!

Your first task: interview three witnesses. A local beggar, automatically eliminated as a suspect because she's a master pickpocket trainer; a priestess of Arkay, whose job is tending to the dead, and who presumably would have access to plenty of bodies without needing to cut people up in the streets; and Calixto, a local curiosities shop owner. Here's a few things that you discover in your initial interviews:

- Calixto is the only one who claims to have seen or heard the murderer fleeing the scene. Odd, since we know the murderer dragged a body away. (And also put part of it back again after he's finished with it, for some reason we're never actually told. Seriously, why did this even happen?)

- Calixto's also the only "witness" who has absolutely no legitimate reason to be there at that time of night. Even assuming he was going to the tavern or something, he's in completely the wrong part of town for it.

- Calixto is famous for his collection of "curiosities". Coincidentally, when you track the blood trail back to the killer's hideout, you find a gruesome mound of discarded stuff, including one rather nifty amulet with a black skull insignia. (You actually get the chance to question Calixto about this later on, but if you don't, you'll be permanently stuck with a useless skull amulet that you can never get rid of because it's a "quest item". I found this out the hard way.) Oh yeah, and if you DO question Calixto, he'll tell you that it's a "protective charm" belonging to the castle mage. Riiiiiight.

I mean, I don't want to denigrate the writers too much, but this murder "mystery" makes the "stolen painting" quest in "Oblivion" seem like Agatha Christie by comparison.

So am I complaining because the quest is too easy? Nope - if you could take the clues, go back to the Jarl's steward and accuse Calixto on the basis of them, it'd be pretty good. You can't do that. I tried for literally TWO HOURS.

The only person you can accuse is Wuunferth the Unliving. And if you're wondering who Wuunferth the Unliving is - so was I, the first time I played this quest. I'd never even met the guy to my recollection. I hadn't even asked Calixto about the amulet when questioning him (I think you needed to scroll down to get the option onscreen, and I hadn't) so I had no idea what the evidence was supposed to be against this guy. Apparently there's supposed to be papers pointing to him inside the murder house, but I've reluctantly played this quest on every playthrough I've done of Skyrim and I've yet to find them. Other than that, there's only Calixto's blatantly bogus story about the amulet. (Wuunferth being the castle mage.)

So... the game gives you all the clues you need to identify the killer, but doesn't let you accuse him. You HAVE to accuse the wrong guy to finish the quest, and then it ends. Until someone else gets killed a few days later and you have to correct "your" mistake in a second separate quest.

Look... I believe I made it clear when talking about "FEAR" and "Bioshock Infinite" that I really really really really hate games that force you to "fail" when you wouldn't otherwise have done so. This is a classic case of that. I love murder mysteries (if my Agatha Christie reference didn't make that clear enough). This quest is set up like one, but what it actually is is a case of following badly-signposted breadcrumbs over a linear and completely predetermined path that breaks the game if you stray from it. It's buggy (I ended up with a permanent and useless skull amulet that I couldn't identify because the only guy to do it, Calixto, ended up dead.)

Oh yeah, and about that... see, you have to go back to confront Wuunferth in the castle jail. Which you'll probably do in daylight, because you need to speak to the Jarl's steward first and he doesn't work at night. Once you come OUT of the castle, the last part of the quest starts... which involves you catching Calixto in the act of murdering somebody. Yep, the infamous serial killer gets caught stalking a new victim in broad daylight through a crowded marketplace. Couldn't he at least attack you in his shop or something?

Also, just for a laugh, I killed and robbed every single one of Windhelm's citizenry while under the cover of darkness and a freakin' lot of Stealth enchantments. Nobody commented on this. At all. Everyone's too concerned about the serial killer in their midst!

Death in Skyrim. It only matters when someone else causes it.

The dark brotherhood questline in oblivion is horrible for similar reasons.

Spoiler

At one point, the contracts left for you by your boss start getting switched out by a traitor. It is painfully obvious that this is the case, since both the phrasing and handwriting are completely different than normal in the switched contracts. And even if you were to miss this, your following victims have black hand robes stashed away in their houses. Not to mention the way they reply to you if you talk to them about the dark brotherhood contracts on their heads before killing them. There is no way to avoid having to kill off your superiors, short of just not progressing further in the questline.

 

[Foolery]

I suppose I could ***** about the first Witcher again. I got tired of the game jerking me around by the 4th chapter or so with dull fetch quests that are padding for the most part, when all you want to do is track down the dicks that stole your mutagens.

 

[Chrozi]

I'm going with breeding Chocobos in FFVII, I was all about completing as much as I could and I really wanted that Knights of the Round summon. I feel like the game came to a screeching halt once I got to that part, I got so bored with it I stopped playing the game.

 

[carpathic]

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I love Skyrim, but OH GOD does it have some awful sidequests.

My choice for the worst is one that you really HAVE to complete if you want to have any standing in Windhelm, or if you want a house there. Because the house belongs to a serial killer (this kind of thing seems to happen a lot in Tamriel apparently.) And you have to "catch" the killer.

Spoiler tags coming. I hope they work.

Spoiler

So you start by offering your services to the town guards at the cemetary, where the remains of a crime scene have been found. (Shock - dead body in graveyard! I know, right?) Only it turns out that this particular body was butchered by a serial killer who's been "offing" people in Windhelm for some time. Since the guards are all busy with the ongoing war effort, it's down to your friendly neighbourhood Dragonborn to solve this hideous crime! Or, as it turns out, not to do so!

Your first task: interview three witnesses. A local beggar, automatically eliminated as a suspect because she's a master pickpocket trainer; a priestess of Arkay, whose job is tending to the dead, and who presumably would have access to plenty of bodies without needing to cut people up in the streets; and Calixto, a local curiosities shop owner. Here's a few things that you discover in your initial interviews:

- Calixto is the only one who claims to have seen or heard the murderer fleeing the scene. Odd, since we know the murderer dragged a body away. (And also put part of it back again after he's finished with it, for some reason we're never actually told. Seriously, why did this even happen?)

- Calixto's also the only "witness" who has absolutely no legitimate reason to be there at that time of night. Even assuming he was going to the tavern or something, he's in completely the wrong part of town for it.

- Calixto is famous for his collection of "curiosities". Coincidentally, when you track the blood trail back to the killer's hideout, you find a gruesome mound of discarded stuff, including one rather nifty amulet with a black skull insignia. (You actually get the chance to question Calixto about this later on, but if you don't, you'll be permanently stuck with a useless skull amulet that you can never get rid of because it's a "quest item". I found this out the hard way.) Oh yeah, and if you DO question Calixto, he'll tell you that it's a "protective charm" belonging to the castle mage. Riiiiiight.

I mean, I don't want to denigrate the writers too much, but this murder "mystery" makes the "stolen painting" quest in "Oblivion" seem like Agatha Christie by comparison.

So am I complaining because the quest is too easy? Nope - if you could take the clues, go back to the Jarl's steward and accuse Calixto on the basis of them, it'd be pretty good. You can't do that. I tried for literally TWO HOURS.

The only person you can accuse is Wuunferth the Unliving. And if you're wondering who Wuunferth the Unliving is - so was I, the first time I played this quest. I'd never even met the guy to my recollection. I hadn't even asked Calixto about the amulet when questioning him (I think you needed to scroll down to get the option onscreen, and I hadn't) so I had no idea what the evidence was supposed to be against this guy. Apparently there's supposed to be papers pointing to him inside the murder house, but I've reluctantly played this quest on every playthrough I've done of Skyrim and I've yet to find them. Other than that, there's only Calixto's blatantly bogus story about the amulet. (Wuunferth being the castle mage.)

So... the game gives you all the clues you need to identify the killer, but doesn't let you accuse him. You HAVE to accuse the wrong guy to finish the quest, and then it ends. Until someone else gets killed a few days later and you have to correct "your" mistake in a second separate quest.

Look... I believe I made it clear when talking about "FEAR" and "Bioshock Infinite" that I really really really really hate games that force you to "fail" when you wouldn't otherwise have done so. This is a classic case of that. I love murder mysteries (if my Agatha Christie reference didn't make that clear enough). This quest is set up like one, but what it actually is is a case of following badly-signposted breadcrumbs over a linear and completely predetermined path that breaks the game if you stray from it. It's buggy (I ended up with a permanent and useless skull amulet that I couldn't identify because the only guy to do it, Calixto, ended up dead.)

Oh yeah, and about that... see, you have to go back to confront Wuunferth in the castle jail. Which you'll probably do in daylight, because you need to speak to the Jarl's steward first and he doesn't work at night. Once you come OUT of the castle, the last part of the quest starts... which involves you catching Calixto in the act of murdering somebody. Yep, the infamous serial killer gets caught stalking a new victim in broad daylight through a crowded marketplace. Couldn't he at least attack you in his shop or something?

Also, just for a laugh, I killed and robbed every single one of Windhelm's citizenry while under the cover of darkness and a freakin' lot of Stealth enchantments. Nobody commented on this. At all. Everyone's too concerned about the serial killer in their midst!

Death in Skyrim. It only matters when someone else causes it.

And the fact that damn quest almost always corrupts itself. Out of all the times I have played Skyrim, and all the times I have tried to do this quest (hint more than 8 different playthroughs) I have successfully gotten the house ONCE.

I love Skyrim, so much. I loved it more than I ever could, but the Blood On The Ice quest always bothered me (and the completionist in me hated that the damn quest never went away on my "to do" list. Sometimes I just wanted to kill Calixto.

 

[SonOfVoorhees]

Escort quests.

How has nobody mentioned this bastard of a concept?

Pick an escort quest. Bonus screams of rage for being the retarded kid in Fable in the damn Hobbes cave

They all suck. Mostly that they hire you to protect them on their journey and then walk into every enemy ever. Why cant you tell them to wait and clear out the enemies ahead? Nope. To easy.

 

[Schadrach]

Anyone remember Nier? Quests are probably the only thing I consider myself to be a completionist towards, but dear Lord I had to look past that for Nier's item farming initiatives.

And the only bright side of the fishing quest is the time-skip you get if you fail to many times, and the characters celebrate success after several hundred attempts.

That game must have made you cry if you were a completionist. Y'know, with the not being able to do any quest from the first half of the game in New Game +, and the having to beat it what, five times to get the real final ending (which also deletes your save)?

Escort quests.

How has nobody mentioned this bastard of a concept?

Pick an escort quest. Bonus screams of rage for being the retarded kid in Fable in the damn Hobbes cave

They all suck. Mostly that they hire you to protect them on their journey and then walk into every enemy ever. Why cant you tell them to wait and clear out the enemies ahead? Nope. To easy.

Because then you get FFXIV escort quests where you have to emote them from short range to get them to move forward, and they never go any farther than the last place you use the emote, and the emote spins your character to face them and does a little animation that wastes time.

 

[Z of the Na'vi]

In the first Mass Effect there is a sidequest near the beginning of the game that tasks you with finding all of the Keepers on the Citadel. In all of my playthroughs of the Mass Effect trilogy (I've played the first game at least six times through, 100%), this is the one sidequest that always drags on the most.

One would think after me playing the game so much I would be used to it, right? Eh, not so much.

Now, I realize I could always look up a guide or something, but I feel like this really takes away from the gameplay experience, so I try to remember where all these Keepers are from memory. Most of the time it doesn't work.

 

[Zefyrix]

Even though I absolutely love Xenoblade Chronicles and it's one of my favorite games ever, I have to say that many of the sidequests were pretty boring. They reminded me of the typical World of Warcraft quest. Things like go across the world to deliver a potion to someone or beating a certain amount of monsters to collect their tails or whatever. But the worst of all were the ones where you had to collect "rare" loot on the field. Basically as far as I could tell it was pretty much on random how they spawned. Sometimes you could get what you needed instantly, other times it took about an hour. I know certain items appeared on different times, but it still wasn't reliable enough to predict where and when you could find them. And there's nothing more boring than running around in circles waiting for random loot to respawn, just to hope it's what you need.

But on the other side it got you to explore the amazing world in Xenoblade, so I guess I can't complain too much.

 

[JettMaverick]

In the first Mass Effect there is a sidequest near the beginning of the game that tasks you with finding all of the Keepers on the Citadel. In all of my playthroughs of the Mass Effect trilogy (I've played the first game at least six times through, 100%), this is the one sidequest that always drags on the most.

One would think after me playing the game so much I would be used to it, right? Eh, not so much.

Now, I realize I could always look up a guide or something, but I feel like this really takes away from the gameplay experience, so I try to remember where all these Keepers are from memory. Most of the time it doesn't work.

This.

Also, In practicality, every single thing you did in Shen Mue that didn't relate trying to avenge your fathers death.

"Oh, my fathers died, better get revenge on Lan Di...

... after I've petted this kitty, and got all these slot machine toys etc"

 

[Mike Fang]

Man, so many choices...escort quests tend to be low-hanging fruit, but honestly, if the character follows YOU rather than plodding forward on a predetermined track, they're tolerable. Some of WoW's quests were irritating due to the copious backtracking or crappy quest item drop rates; one of the worst in that regard was "The Green Hills of Stranglethorn" from the pre-Cata days.

But to me the worst sidequests are the puzzle ones where knowing the solution isn't enough, you also have to have some sort of inane, pointless talent to get through it. Best example I know of is in The Secret World. There's one puzzle where you have to decode a message in morse code. Realizing that's what needs to be done isn't enough, you have to be skilled at writing down morse for translation. The problem is that God damn message is blitzed by you incredibly fast, and there's no option to slow it down. Worse yet, the way the beeps come through, the appreciable difference between dots and dashes is vague at best. If a dot takes half a second, a dash takes 3/4 of a second at most. Telling where a given letter or number ends and the next one begins is well nigh impossible. It certainly gives you an appreciation for the attention to detail and skill at comprehension of the old telegraph operators, as well as people in the military who still use it. But really, outside of those two user groups, who else is likely to be skilled in this sort of thing? Boy Scouts, maybe?

One caveat to this is that I don't count puzzles in sidequests that take some figuring out. Stuff like sliding block puzzles, peg-jumping puzzles, riddles, that kind of stuff, while it can be tough and sometimes frustrating, I don't consider a sign of poor quality because they're tests of things like reasoning, knowledge and deductive thinking; mental skills that anyone should possess to at least SOME degree. It's not asking you to have some unlikely knack, such as being able to understand morse code like an expert telegrapher, be able to identify obscure bird species by the sound of their calls or play a musical score by memory after listening to it by tapping corresponding letter keys on the keyboard for the notes (i.e. tap a for an a note, c for a c note, etc.)

 

[vid87]

-GTA San Andreas - the remote control bi-plane. I wouldn't mind the god-awful controls if the whole thing weren't being timed.

-KH2 - leveling every drive form to get the skills used exclusively for the ultimate mission: putting up posters really fast.

 

[Isalan]

Many people have mentioned escort quests, but I'm gonna have to specifically go for the the one that takes place in Blackrock Depths. You have to escort Marshal Somebody (I forget his name) around all over the place, while enemies spawn and he refuses to stop for even a solitary second. Of course, this quest is gone now, or if it is in the game its incredibly easy, however back in the day this was hair-pullingly, tooth-shatteringly painful.

 

[spartandude]

Im just going to say, Mass Effect 3 side quests as a whole.

I mean theres a situation (partial spoiler) where you can walk up to an Asari that you have never met before and just once maybe overheard her talking and go "Hey, we've never talked before but heres some reaper code i had in my head" and she goes "Thanks, heres the entire Asari second fleet!"

 

[RavenTail]

The worst side quest that comes to mind for me was in Dead Rising 2.

On my second or third play through I was trying to rescue all the survivors and get them back to the safe house. I was doing fine until I found a group of three survivors who wouldn't budge until they played a game of high stakes poker. So to get them to come I had to win all the money they had to play with.

Now even just to join I needed a few hundred thousand dollars, which if anyone else has experienced can take time even when you know the tricks to earning money. Time that can be critical in a time sensitive game. Even after dealing in the game time doesn't pause while the poker match goes. So imagine trying to whittle down three other players of their few hundred thousand dollars each while other side-missions and even story mission timers are trickling down steadily. Not to mention just the huge luck factor when it came to the cards being dealt. If you lose they still won't come so you have to beat them all just so they'll actually care about living.

In the end I just killed all three because the game limits how many active survivors are in the world so I wanted to rescue others.

 

[TheMadDoctorsCat]

Spoiler: About the Skyrim quest...

Actually you don't have to accuse Wuunferth. If you go talk to him instead of the steward then he'll tell you that he thinks he knows when the next murder will happen and send you to stop Calixto. You save a lot of time using this method. You won't think to do this unless you previously met Wuunferth though, and I think the only other quest he's tied to is a delivery quest started by a fruit vendor. And nobody talks to the fruit vendors.

OT: I dislike any sidequest where the general idea is: "you're super powerful and saving the world, but help me collect berries/acorns/bear asses/etc." A lot of MMOs are guilty of putting these in as filler.

Spoiler

I agree with the sentiment, but unfortunately you can't just visit Wuunferth in the first "quest" and avoid the second one entirely. You literally have no option but to accuse the wrong man.

You CAN speak with Wuunferth in jail once the second body appears - that's what triggers Calixto's "attack".

 

[TheMadDoctorsCat]

Oh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy. I love Skyrim, but OH GOD does it have some awful sidequests.

My choice for the worst is one that you really HAVE to complete if you want to have any standing in Windhelm, or if you want a house there. Because the house belongs to a serial killer (this kind of thing seems to happen a lot in Tamriel apparently.) And you have to "catch" the killer.

Spoiler tags coming. I hope they work.

Spoiler

So you start by offering your services to the town guards at the cemetary, where the remains of a crime scene have been found. (Shock - dead body in graveyard! I know, right?) Only it turns out that this particular body was butchered by a serial killer who's been "offing" people in Windhelm for some time. Since the guards are all busy with the ongoing war effort, it's down to your friendly neighbourhood Dragonborn to solve this hideous crime! Or, as it turns out, not to do so!

Your first task: interview three witnesses. A local beggar, automatically eliminated as a suspect because she's a master pickpocket trainer; a priestess of Arkay, whose job is tending to the dead, and who presumably would have access to plenty of bodies without needing to cut people up in the streets; and Calixto, a local curiosities shop owner. Here's a few things that you discover in your initial interviews:

- Calixto is the only one who claims to have seen or heard the murderer fleeing the scene. Odd, since we know the murderer dragged a body away. (And also put part of it back again after he's finished with it, for some reason we're never actually told. Seriously, why did this even happen?)

- Calixto's also the only "witness" who has absolutely no legitimate reason to be there at that time of night. Even assuming he was going to the tavern or something, he's in completely the wrong part of town for it.

- Calixto is famous for his collection of "curiosities". Coincidentally, when you track the blood trail back to the killer's hideout, you find a gruesome mound of discarded stuff, including one rather nifty amulet with a black skull insignia. (You actually get the chance to question Calixto about this later on, but if you don't, you'll be permanently stuck with a useless skull amulet that you can never get rid of because it's a "quest item". I found this out the hard way.) Oh yeah, and if you DO question Calixto, he'll tell you that it's a "protective charm" belonging to the castle mage. Riiiiiight.

I mean, I don't want to denigrate the writers too much, but this murder "mystery" makes the "stolen painting" quest in "Oblivion" seem like Agatha Christie by comparison.

So am I complaining because the quest is too easy? Nope - if you could take the clues, go back to the Jarl's steward and accuse Calixto on the basis of them, it'd be pretty good. You can't do that. I tried for literally TWO HOURS.

The only person you can accuse is Wuunferth the Unliving. And if you're wondering who Wuunferth the Unliving is - so was I, the first time I played this quest. I'd never even met the guy to my recollection. I hadn't even asked Calixto about the amulet when questioning him (I think you needed to scroll down to get the option onscreen, and I hadn't) so I had no idea what the evidence was supposed to be against this guy. Apparently there's supposed to be papers pointing to him inside the murder house, but I've reluctantly played this quest on every playthrough I've done of Skyrim and I've yet to find them. Other than that, there's only Calixto's blatantly bogus story about the amulet. (Wuunferth being the castle mage.)

So... the game gives you all the clues you need to identify the killer, but doesn't let you accuse him. You HAVE to accuse the wrong guy to finish the quest, and then it ends. Until someone else gets killed a few days later and you have to correct "your" mistake in a second separate quest.

Look... I believe I made it clear when talking about "FEAR" and "Bioshock Infinite" that I really really really really hate games that force you to "fail" when you wouldn't otherwise have done so. This is a classic case of that. I love murder mysteries (if my Agatha Christie reference didn't make that clear enough). This quest is set up like one, but what it actually is is a case of following badly-signposted breadcrumbs over a linear and completely predetermined path that breaks the game if you stray from it. It's buggy (I ended up with a permanent and useless skull amulet that I couldn't identify because the only guy to do it, Calixto, ended up dead.)

Oh yeah, and about that... see, you have to go back to confront Wuunferth in the castle jail. Which you'll probably do in daylight, because you need to speak to the Jarl's steward first and he doesn't work at night. Once you come OUT of the castle, the last part of the quest starts... which involves you catching Calixto in the act of murdering somebody. Yep, the infamous serial killer gets caught stalking a new victim in broad daylight through a crowded marketplace. Couldn't he at least attack you in his shop or something?

Also, just for a laugh, I killed and robbed every single one of Windhelm's citizenry while under the cover of darkness and a freakin' lot of Stealth enchantments. Nobody commented on this. At all. Everyone's too concerned about the serial killer in their midst!

Death in Skyrim. It only matters when someone else causes it.

And the fact that damn quest almost always corrupts itself. Out of all the times I have played Skyrim, and all the times I have tried to do this quest (hint more than 8 different playthroughs) I have successfully gotten the house ONCE.

I love Skyrim, so much. I loved it more than I ever could, but the Blood On The Ice quest always bothered me (and the completionist in me hated that the damn quest never went away on my "to do" list. Sometimes I just wanted to kill Calixto.

Amen, brother.

And I agree about the "Oblivion" quest too... just can't find the post.

 

[MiskWisk]

I'm going with breeding Chocobos in FFVII, I was all about completing as much as I could and I really wanted that Knights of the Round summon. I feel like the game came to a screeching halt once I got to that part, I got so bored with it I stopped playing the game.

Strangely enough, I really enjoyed that part of the game. Maybe it was because I had an old walkthrough book (and seriously, how were you supposed to figure half the stuff you needed to do without one?) but I think I spent more time one the Chocobos than anything else in that game.

OT: This prick here

You made me deal with all those freaking rock monsters, took the most circuitous possible route, to meet up with a guy in THE ROOM NEXT DOOR!

Edit: For those who don't know, this guy is the Alchemist from Spyro 2: Gateway to Glimmer. He's an escort quest.