Your worst joke

[Jerious1154]

Okay. So, there's a rich man, in ye olde times, and he's on his way back to his mansion when somebody knocks on the window of his carriage, so he opens the door, and standing there, is a knight. The knight looks at him and says, "I've just fought a terrible dragon, and it's a long way to my kingdom. Please, may I stay and rest at your mansion?" So the rich man says, "Of course!", and he lets the knight into his carriage, and then he drives home. They reach his house, and it's this beautiful, luxurious mansion. They step inside, and the rich man takes the knight to the staircase and says to him: "Go up the stairs, and take the first door on the left," so the knight goes upstairs, and takes the first door on the left, and it opens up into this huge, magnificent bedroom, with an enormous four-poster bed, and an en-suite bathroom, and the knight sits down on the bed, takes his armour off, nurses his burns and falls asleep. Meanwhile, the rich man downstairs is enjoying his pipe, when there's a knock on the door. Now the rich man is thinking "Who could it be at this time of night?" so he goes to the door, and opens it, and there's a knight there, and the knight says "I've just fought in an epic war, and I need somewhere to rest for the night," and the rich man says "O.K., just go up those stairs, and take the second door on the left, and there will be a bed and somewhere to freshen up. So the knight goes upstairs, and he takes the second door on the left, and again, it's a beautiful room. so he freshens up, cleans his wounds, splashes some aftershave on, and falls asleep. Now, downstairs, the rich man is just getting ready to go to bed himself, when he hears a knock on the door! So, he's a little bit annoyed, but he goes and opens it, and there's a beautiful princes-nah, I'm kidding, it's a knight. The knight says that he's just fought a terrible and powerful wizard, blah blah blah, freshen up, yadda yadda yadda. The rich man points him to the second room on the right, the knight goes upstairs, falls onto the bed, you know the rest. A few minutes later, the rich man comes upstairs, goes in the first door on the right, falls asleep.
In the morning, the first knight comes downstairs, and the rich man is there, eating a bowl of cornflakes. He asks the knight what he would like for breakfast, and the knight has a choice between kippers and cornflakes. So the knight thinks, and he decides that he'll have kippers, because it's a good source of protein and all that. So he has his kippers and toast, says goodbye to the rich man, and sets off for his own kingdom. Then, the second knight comes down, and he has cornflakes for breakfast, sets off for his kingdom, the third knight comes down, decides to have kippers. He has his kippers, with toast, and a big wodge of butter, and he eventually sets off.

So, the motto of the story is:

Two out of three knights prefer kippers for breakfast.

I once heard a telling of a joke just like that that took 90 minutes.

 

[puppydogvaan]

I know a dirty joke.


A pig rolled in the mud.


What? It's dirty!!!


(Urgh. We used to tell that one when we were kids.)

 

[Shaenightbird]

"A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head, sits down and orders a beer. The barkeep comes over, looks at the frog and says, "Hey. Where'd you get that?" And the frog replies, "Gee, I don't know. It started as a wart on my ass."

 

[teutonicman]

What does Micheal Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?

They both have a piece of 30 year old meat in between two 9 year old buns.

 

[Bat Vader]

All my jokes are horribly bad.

 

[mac173]

Ok this one's pretty racy and terrible, therefore: spoiler warning!

Spoiler: You probably don't want to read this...

Two guys meet up after an especially wild night.
One says to the other "oh man, I was so drunk last night, I blew chunks!"
to which the other dude replies "That's no big deal man, happens to the best of us."
"No, you don't understand", the guy says, "Chunks is my dog!"

LOL, I nearly choked on a piece of fruit when I read that! Great one.

A man runs into the doctors office and yells for the doctor. "HELP! HELP! I need emergency surgery, quick!" The doctor says "Why whats wrong?" The man says "I was at work and swallowed a pen!". Doctor says "So what, why do you need emergency surgery?"



"Because I have A-Pen-Insidus!"

 

[Audemas]

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates and he is greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter explains that it isn?t that easy to get into heaven and that there are some criteria he must meet before her is allowed to enter. St Peter says, ?For example, were you religious in life? Attend church? The man replies, ?Well work tends to keep me very busy so I have little time to spend at church.? St. Peter shakes his head and says, ?That doesn?t help your cause.? ?Were you generous in life? Did you give money to the poor or any charities? ?The man replies, ?No, I have to watch how I spend my money. I make just enough to pay for my food and house.? St. Peter again shakes his head and says, ?Okay have you been generous over your short time on Earth?? The man replies, ?Well not really, besides what have people done to help me?? St. Peter, sighing at how this man has lived his life says to him, ?Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Help me out here I?m trying to help you to get into Heaven.? The man replies, ?Well there was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so upset I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet and I went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly, and mean he was and then I spat in his face.? St. Peter replied, ?That is impressive. When did this happen?? The man replies, ?Oh, about 10 minutes ago.?

 

[iJosh]

A Ninety year old man went to the doctor and told him " Doctor Doctor!!, My 19 year old wife is Pregnant!", then the doctor brought him in his office and told him a little story, "Ok there was this young man and he went hunting, couple hours went by with nothing in sight, on his way home he saw this beauty of a deer and instead of picking up his gun he picked up his umbrella and shot it dead, one shot kill", Old man was astonished with the story and in disbelief he said, " That's Impossible, Someone else must of shot it." Doctor reply's, " My point exact"

Cheeesy.

 

[Maileigh]

What do you call a fly with no wings?

Spoiler: Warning Terrible Punchline Alert

Spoiler: Don't Blame Me

Spoiler: Seriously You Have Been Warned

Spoiler: Prepare for Disappointment!

Spoiler: Final Warning

Spoiler: I lied

Spoiler: I think I have left you in suspense long enough

Spoiler: Maybe a Little Longer

Spoiler: Wow You are eager to learn this punchline

Spoiler: Here it goes

Spoiler: Right after this

Spoiler: Seriously give up!

Spoiler: Fine you win!

A Walk

HAHA! That's great!

As for mine:
What do you get if you mix an Elephant with a Rhinoceros?

"Elifino" (you're supposed to shrug when you say it)

 

[Iskenator67]

O.K. This is a long one but trust me it's awful.

A man was walking down the street and he noticed a coffin was following him. He started to run faster but the coffin still kept following him. He ran home and slammed the door behind him. The coffin knocked down the door. He ran upstairs and shut the bathroom door behind him. Knowing the coffin was going to knock the door down, he grabbed the nearest thing he could find. The coffin knocked the door down and he threw a bottle of Robitussin at it. Stopped the coffin.

Get it? coffin, coughing? It's awful I know.

 

[EeveeElectro]

What's brown and sticky?

A stick covered in treacle.

Did you hear about that fight at the fish shop?
A fish got battered!

 

[Lord George]

I've got a joke for you. Women's rights (I shouldn't have told that in a class composed of girls studying the suffragettes.)

 

[bookboy]

I've got a joke for you. Women's rights (I shouldn't have told that in a class composed of girls studying the suffragettes.)

actually, i once saw an episode of a show called "this hour has 22 minutes" it was a comedy news show. one of the things that they do is go out on the streets and play pranks on real people. this time, they went out with a petition to end women's suffrage, (the right to vote) and saw how many women they could get to sign it. in 5 hours, they got 90 women to sign the petition, before someone figured out what they were really signing for. the guys had to end the petition early because the women was following them around explaining it to other women.
it was so frikkin hilarious.

 

[RichardEdwards]

Q:Why did the monkey fall out of a tree?
A:Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out the tree?
It thought it was a game.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
The king of the Animals calls a meeting of all the animals in his kingdom. Who isn't there?
The Monkeys. They're dead.
Who else isn't there?
The Giraffe. Its in a fridge.
You're hiking through the jungle, and you come to a crocodile infested river. There's no bridge, no form of rope swing, and the river stretches for miles either direction. How do you get across?
Swim. The crocodiles are at the meeting.

There's more, but its just not worth it.

 

[stormcaller]

What did the Roman say when the lion ate his mother in law?

Gladiator

 

[Nexus424]

Q:Why did the monkey fall out of a tree?
A:Because it was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out the tree?
It thought it was a game.
How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
The king of the Animals calls a meeting of all the animals in his kingdom. Who isn't there?
The Monkeys. They're dead.
Who else isn't there?
The Giraffe. Its in a fridge.
You're hiking through the jungle, and you come to a crocodile infested river. There's no bridge, no form of rope swing, and the river stretches for miles either direction. How do you get across?
Swim. The crocodiles are at the meeting.

There's more, but its just not worth it.

Sure there is.

After you swim across the river your path is blocked by a donkey. Why?

 

[Yooz]

What happened to the grape that was stepped on?

It let out a little *wine*.

 

[Davey Woo]

3 drums and a symbol fall off a cliff.
*badum dum tish*

Man walks into a bar and says.
"What is this a joke?"

Man walks into a bar.
*Ouch*

3 Men walk into a bar.
You'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

Man and a dwarf walk into a bar.
No, wait the dwarf walks under it.

 

[Shapsters]

A boy was in court, they were trying to decide who should get custody of the boy. The judge asks, well boy, do ya wanna live with your Ma? "OH no sir! My Ma beats me!" "Well then, do you wanna live with your Pa?" "On no sir, my Pa beats me!" "Well then boy!? Who do you want to live with?"

"Well I could live with the Detroit Lions, they don't beat nobody!"