You're on the front page news, what did you do to be on it?

[Skorpyo]

[HEADING=2]Local Man Punches Robert Pattinson In Dick: Claims Triumph For Humanity, Literature[/HEADING]

 

[Scarim Coral]

edit sorry made a mistake, carry on

 

[lightningmagurn]

LOCAL BOY DIES IN THUMB WAR WITH CHINA, THUMB WAR CALLED A DRAW!!

 

[thethingthatlurks]

[HEADING=2]Local 22 year old genius derives unified theory of physics! Awarded Nobel Prize. [/HEADING]

Well, one can hope...

[HEADING=2]Local Man Charged With Arson, Claimed "The Orphanage Has Always Annoyed Me"[/HEADING]
Probably more realistic...

 

[Eumersian]

[HEADING=2]Area Man Refuses to Play Baritone[/HEADING]

I would make it that big of a deal.

 

[Mr.Mattress]

[HEADING=2]First President from the Libertarian Party Elected![/HEADING]

 

[world_of_dragons]

50 Cent and Souja Boy found brutally murdered: Victims were "Already Dead" says experts. (Whoever gets this reference gets a cookie)

Justin Beiber kidnapped: Victim found in home of Maynard James Keenan taking singer lessons. Suspect still at large

 

[rekabdarb]

[HEADING=2]Local Man found after 58 bodies slain in his wake[/HEADING]
"I just snapped, the stupidity of humanity got to me. I thought if world war wasn't coming around to thin the heard i might as well"

 

[WanderingFool]

50 Cent and Souja Boy found brutally murdered: Victims were "Already Dead" says experts. (Whoever gets this reference gets a cookie)

Just taking a stab, Fist of the Northstar?

 

[kommando367]

[HEADING=2]Student chokes annoying shithead to death, declared hero by classmates[/HEADING]

or

[HEADING=2]Local man seen throwing pennies off of *insert large building name here* roof, still at large.[/HEADING]

 

[rekabdarb]

[HEADING=2]Local Man Kills Gang Of Hipsters. Given Award.[/HEADING]

God I hate hipsters...

lol my friend and i were driving through a mall parking lot and he almost hit some scenester kids. "Oh man i could see their apathetic fear in their eyes. best moment of the weekend."
That count?

 

[Fenra]

[HEADING=2]Man Who Tried To Immitate Video Game Heroism By Foiling Bank Robbery With Replica Sword And Smack Talk "Respawns" In Intesive Care [/HEADING]


Well ok I'm assuming this newspaper would put puns in its headline but still, can imagine that happening in one of my more insane moments... too many rpgs...

 

[Mray3460]

[HEADING=2]Local College Student Incites Angry Mob...Again.[/HEADING]

Sometimes...I just don't know when to keep my mouth shut...

 

[BlumiereBleck]

"Man destroys everything in existence except earth"

 

[sanguinator]

i would get banned saying what i did.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

'local man farts, kills entire lecture hall in tragic english breakfast gas-attack nightmare'

 

[rekabdarb]

[HEADING=2]Local Asian boy snaps, says he has "list" be cautious[/HEADING]
"I've always tried to be number 1 on his kill list... I'm kinda pissed it wasn't me first"
i'm not asian, but my friends have a joke that another of my friends has a death note and that one of them is trying to get to the top of the list

 

[SomeBoredGuy]

[HEADING=2]Local Man Curses Zoidberg with Last Breath[/HEADING]

or

[HEADING=2]Local Man Breaks into Pentagon with Reanimated JFK, Nixon and Zombie Army to Re-enact Black Ops Zombie Mode[/HEADING]

 

[nolongerhere]

[HEADING=2]Local Man Defecates on Police Car, Claims to be President of Canada[/HEADING]