An honest question.

[BENZOOKA]

"I don't want to date you but I still want to be friends."

There aren't many worse things one can say.

 

[aPod]

"I don't want to date you but I still want to be friends."

There aren't many worse things one can say.

Eh... i dont think they're that bad. People really over analyze that statement and think they're stonewalled for life. Not true, just means shes not interested now. As long as you dont just get caught up in her and keep on keeping on she may just come to you. I only got told that once though and she's still a good friend of mine... she just has a thing for ugly guys /shrug no im serious, its like some fetish or self-esteem problem beats the hell out of me.

 

[Inverse Skies]

Guys are stupid, and particularly guys that haven't had female friends that they weren't interested in. It's a sad fact of life that guys will tend to show a lot more interest when they are interested in you and being knocked back is always a hard thing to accept. Some people just take it worse than others. It helps if the guys have other friends who are girls who they're not interested in, because it shows them that it is possible to have a friendship with a girl where the ultimate goal is not to date her or simialar. Until they have that however, you'll find that most guys are unsure of what they're supposed to do when they are knocked back and hence will distance themselves. It's just what happens, and you really can't do much to change it.

 

[Warrior Irme]

They were capable of just "being a friend" before they asked. I don't get why they can't after. A lot of girls are ok with it. Why can't guys see it the same way?

I contend that not a lot of girls are ok with it. It is human nature to want to distance oneself from a bad situation. I have had the same situations happen when I have been rejected where they start distancing as well. I give a little effort to keep the friendship going, but if it is clearly doomed I just move on. It is much easier than banging your head against a wall. Since you seem to be stating that you are like me and wish to keep a friendship after all is said and done than you are among the few. Take pride in the fact that you put in the effort to maintain a friendship. It is a poor situation to be in, but you will realize that if they can't put in the effort to work past it that they are not worthy of your time. I do not mean to insult a good friend and if I did so I apologize.

 

[Downfall89]

Perhaps he started the relationship in the hopes of dating you. When he realized he was never going to achieve that goal, he gave up and moved on. He never intended to be friends. He intended to be more.

This is the reason. This is incredibly accurate.

 

[Darth_Dude]

It's almost like proposing to a girl and she declines, where would you go on from there? I would wonder why am I still with her if she doesn't feel the same way I do. I asked out about 5 of my friends (that are girls) and 4 decline so I started to distant myself, wondering why I wasted my time since that was my thought process from the beginning. If I would have stayed close friends with them, I would lose my mind because they would just be f**k-teases to me.

Poor guy...

 

[teh_gunslinger]

It's not embarrassment - it's not to fucking torture yourself.

If I ask a girl out, it's not just some vapid passing fancy, it's because I feel VERY strongly and passionately about her. If she says no... then what? My feeling don't magically fucking disappear, they're still around and I know there's no possible chance of my hopes and dreams of a future with that person coming to fruition. That just leads to a miserable spiral of depression where you sit there every day laughing and spending time with them, all the while knowing you simply can't have the life you want with that person.

It's fucking torture, and it's best to be avoided.

This is the answer that covers my opinion on it. Why on Earth would I torture myself by hanging with a girl when there is that kind of asymmetry in the relationship. And lets be frank, no matter who she eventually starts dating he will be a dick to me. No other way. So rather than waste my time on a pointless relationship I should move on. A lesson learned the hard way but I'm better of for it. Move on, look for other girls. For my friend needs I stick to guys these days. Less complicated. And a lot more fun I find. Girls are great and all but these days they are either my girlfriend or an acquaintance. No friends, really.

That said, it seems that some girls can't or won't accept that as I have a friend who for the death of her can't understand why things aren't as they used to be. And that's like 3 years ago but she still harasses me with stupid questions.

In short, the answer: to avoid torture and waste of time.

 

[IckleMissMayhem]

Perhaps he started the relationship in the hopes of dating you. When he realized he was never going to achieve that goal, he gave up and moved on. He never intended to be friends. He intended to be more.

Second.

Ding!! Ten Points!! You wanted to just be friends, he wanted something else from you. You can't be surprised that he lost interest when you told him he couldn't have what he wanted, it's just a pity he wouldn't settle to be friends.

 

[BonsaiK]

Ok, for you guys that are here, I have an honest question for you.

I've had a few guy friends that I've known for a while but when they bring the idea of dating me and I tell them no and that I don't see them that way, they slowly start to disconnect themselves and stop talking to me altogether.

So I'd like to know:
Why can't some guys handle/accept that boundary line?

I didn't try to kick them out of my life. I wasn't mean. I just simply said "I don't want to date you but I still want to be friends." As simple as that. And yet, they can't handle the idea.
I don't understand and I know I'm not the only girl this has happened to. Even if you're good friends, the moment you reject their idea of dating you, they suddenly decide not to be friends anymore.

They were capable of just "being a friend" before they asked. I don't get why they can't after. A lot of girls are ok with it. Why can't guys see it the same way?
Like I said, it's an honest question. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny ***** and I apologize if I do.

Answered in the Relationship Problem Thread, here is the link: ---> http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=23#4905859

 

[JokerCrowe]

I wrote quite a bit of text, to answer this question

Spoiler: Right here, if you want to see my entire view on the subject

I think that if you meet a girl/guy you really want to date, you should let them know right away. It is really dificult because some guys see the friendship thing as being a way to get to know the girl better, and (maybe) make her fall in love with you... That hardly ever works though. I should know, I have like eight "chick buddies" who I really like, and I like some more than just friends, but they don't know that.
But I've realized now that you should only be friends with someone if you really want to be "just friends" and avoid this situation all together. "But Phenom", I hear you ask, "what if you start out being friends and fall in love later in your friendship?" well, I don't know... if you really feel it's worth risking the friendship, you could tell her/him how you feel, or just ask them out. unanswered love sucks, but I think that it is the best way to go about friendships between girls and boys. Or you could just be a chicken (like me) and remain friends while your heart and body ache for your secret love...
*sigh*

But the short answer is "maybe... but probably not".
-(

 

[Doitpow]

shrug i have this problem and I'm a guy...

 

[Darth Caelum]

Ok, for you guys that are here, I have an honest question for you.

I've had a few guy friends that I've known for a while but when they bring the idea of dating me and I tell them no and that I don't see them that way, they slowly start to disconnect themselves and stop talking to me altogether.

So I'd like to know:
Why can't some guys handle/accept that boundary line?

I didn't try to kick them out of my life. I wasn't mean. I just simply said "I don't want to date you but I still want to be friends." As simple as that. And yet, they can't handle the idea.
I don't understand and I know I'm not the only girl this has happened to. Even if you're good friends, the moment you reject their idea of dating you, they suddenly decide not to be friends anymore.

They were capable of just "being a friend" before they asked. I don't get why they can't after. A lot of girls are ok with it. Why can't guys see it the same way?
Like I said, it's an honest question. I'm not trying to sound like a whiny ***** and I apologize if I do.

Because, emotionally, it is like a knife stab to the Heart for us males. It takes an Extraordinary amount of Courage (for me anyway) to ask your friend to go on a date with him. It is like laying your Emotions bare and, in a way is when we are most Vulnerable.

*ahem* Now that THAT is over *Remove Serious Mask* I'll go to a Party and pretend to have fun while secretly crying inside because of all the girls that have rejected me or i blew my chances with Goodbye and Goodnight! *Bow*

 

[cynicalandbored]

To be perfectly honest I think that's one of the main problems with guys in general. It's not that it's impossible for a guy and girl to be close friends, it's that most of the time the guy's had the idea from the beginning that he wants to be romantically involved with said girl. Most of my friends are female, and I have absolutely no designs on them whatsoever. I'd rather just be friends. In my experience though, most guys get to a point where they feel the need to take a relationship further for whatever reason. And once they get rejected the embarrassment is what drives them away.

 

[Advent Ech0]

Attention All Females:

Most of the time (not all the time) if a guy likes you and is your friend (and you are his i.e. act towards them in anything more than a polite manner) then he will begin to think "oh we have a connection" and go down that avenue of thought.

Most guys I know see friendship as the necessary first step in becoming something more. Most girls I know see friendship as just that: friendship. It is amazing how many girls I know that consider guys that obviously LIKES (maybe even LOVES) them as just guys wanting to be friends. They are oblivious.

There are of course exceptions to this, and I'm not trying to dissuade females from having friendships with males, but keep it in mind that if you think of a guy in the same way you think of one of your girlfriends then you are making a mistake that could be hurtful to both of you.

And lastly, if a guy tries to get your number or asks you if you want to "hang out", ask how they actually feel about you. One of the most frustrating things that can happen to a guy is think he's getting somewhere with you and he's not. This is as much his fault as yours, but you will make it a lot easier on both of you if you make sure of what this relationship means to him.

My girlfriend was so surprised when we started dating that all of a sudden her "guy-friends" just stopped talking to her. /facepalm

EDIT: somewhat ninja'd, damn
EDIT EDIT: looked over some of the previous posts and decided to say something about guys in reply to all the "he tried to get into my pants" comments:

Sex is important to guys and for some* the only goal, but I'd say most men care about love just as much as women do, sometimes more. DO NOT sweep ALL males into the same "guys only care about sex" stereotype; it is, frankly, insulting.

Love and physical intimacy are very much intertwined for males (at least from my experience), and I think that is the cause of a lot of misunderstandings. When one person in a relationship considers them two separate things while the other considers them intrinsically connected, there is sure to be frustration from both people. The first will think the second is only out for sex, while the second will think that the first doesn't have the feelings for them.

*Yes, there are guys who do things just to get in a girl's pants, but they are - for the most part - the minority (and jerks).

 

[Dungus]

It's not embarassement per se, it's just that you don't want to be around the girl you want to be more than friends with. It's like torture, especially when he'd see you with someone else. Most of the time it'll blow over in some time. Give it a couple of weeks.

 

[WhamBamSam]

I love the way you try to be mature mature mature and then end a post with "eat a dick". Seriously dude, well done for grabbing my attention for a decent debate and then shooting yourself in the foot. I don't even know what defensive line is, and I don't need your sports resume. I like the way you talk about "undue amounts of bitching" then proceed to complain for one big paragraph.
Fair enough. Use of big paragraphs is just sort of how I tend to operate here on the internet, as is the occasional profane statement. Telling you to eat a dick wasn't a good idea, but to be fair the internet does have the tendency to make a lot of people whinier in the late hours of the night. My tone and language were uncalled for in what's really a pretty minor thing. I'll apologize for that, and agree that in some ways you are making a lot more sense than I. What I guess I should be saying is that human behavior isn't always quite so rational.

What confuses me about you types is that if a girl is good enough to date, somehow her wanting to be your friend is a bad thing? You made the effort to suck it up; well done. But "endure the words just friends"? Are you serious? Maybe you should try courting man, 'cause that shit is gaaaaay.

Okay that really was uncalled for, I apologise, but come on man. Can you really be this two faced, all of you? Thinking a girl, a living human like the rest of us, is somehow unworthy because she doesnt want to smack lips? It's awkward because... you said you really like her and she doesnt like you but STILL WANTS YOU AROUND? I'm pretty sure that means she wants to be your friend, geniuses.
Yeah, yeah. Again, that was not one of my better posts. Still, it would take some doing to just stop thinking of her that way. Being casual friends after that would be more natural than being close ones, because in the latter case it's mostly like being bf/gf apart from the kissing, sex, and the official title. It makes things more uncomfortable than a friendship should really be, and if I weren't careful about it, stupid problems - ones that I'd consider beneath me - could arise from it with whichever other girl did end up wanting to date me.

Maybe a better answer to the OPs question is that things don't just immediately go back to normal, and that it'll take some guys time to get themselves back into a strictly platonic mindset. That seems like a reasonable compromise on this issue. I'll concede that yes, it is rather petty to take a rejection so personally; and you'll concede that the pettiness is fairly natural, and that there is a fairly significant divide between seeing someone in a romantic light, and merely viewing them as a friend. Sound fair to you?

 

[Woodsey]

Because we like tits.

 

[teisjm]

This is why i refrain from thinking romantically of any female friends. And why i wouldn't sleep with them, if i got the chance.
It's just too awkward if you want 2 different things.
If you've known them for some time, they may have build a big chrush up before they asked you out. So they may have liked you in a romantic way from the start, and then they get too dissapointed when it's not gonna happen.
And if they can't ditch their feeligns for you, they're gonna have a hard time beeing around you if you get a boyrfiend due to jealosy and stuff like that.
Also general awkwardness is prolly a big factor.