An honest question.
- Thread starter Chancie
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There's truth in these here words. It's a lot to do with maturity, for the most part, I've certainly seen it happen less and less as people get older. A lot of guys see the "Friend zone" as an easy in with a girl they have strong feelings for, and when they finally ask and they get shot down, they can't handle it. It doesn't help if the girl was oblivious, or worse, knew and ignored it until it was too late. If threre are feelings, they should be made clear early on, it only gets worse with time.Inverse Skies said:
It's unfair to dissuade guys and girls from being friends, that's stupid, but it does pay to be careful, particularly when you're both young and full of hormones and one of you is most likely an idiot, if not both.
Not to say people don't become friends, and then develop feelings. Now that's a minefield I'd rather not tread on again. Can't really give any clear cut advice for that kind of situation either, because It can work out, but it can also go horribly wrong. Or the feelings can go away again. Stupid feelings. *grumbles*
Me being halfway gay* makes it easy to be just 'friends.'
And I do have a lot of friends among the fairer sex.
Not that I wouldn't advance if I was single and they wanted were similarly inclined.
*FACT: Bisexuals have more fun.
And I do have a lot of friends among the fairer sex.
Not that I wouldn't advance if I was single and they wanted were similarly inclined.
*FACT: Bisexuals have more fun.
I think rejection is hard. The person is, in a very real sense, offering themselves to you. Just like the Roller Coaster park that accepts your admission money but wont allow you to get on all of the rides due to height/weight restrictions, You are saying that "you're not tall enough to get on this ride". That said, there is nothing incumbent upon you. You have no obligation, just be mindful of the fact that you are rejecting the person at that point rather than just rejecting their idea of the two of you together.
Because that would come across as incredibly presumptuous. Any guys who happen to be friends with her, you're proposing she start off the conversation with, "I want to be friends but I never ever want to date you."BlindMessiah94 said:
How awkward would that be? Wouldn't a guy be like, "Uhh...okay? What did I do to make her feel like she had to say that?"
Of course, if she is just leading them on, then she would have nothing to complain about because it would be all her own doing. But if she's honestly not leading them on--then expecting her to start every new friendship with a riot act is just silly.
To answer the OP:
Either they always saw you as a potential sexual partner and now that avenue is closed they are no longer interested or
they were friends, but then fell for you and now they can no longer think of you as a friend or
they are just so emabarrased they can't face you or
they like you so much that they can't bare to see you.
But just be thankful you're not a guy in the same situation. In my experience female friends just don't get it if you tell them you're not interested, it somehow doesn't compute in their brains. They hang around expecting you to change your mind any minute, or reveal that it was all a ruse to make sure that they really love you, or if they are just super nice to you then you will see how wonderful they are and fall madly in love with them, or any other form of bizarre convoluted reasoning rather than accept the fact that you do not find them attractive. It really is quite maddening, you end up wishing they'd just fuck off and start hating you rather than have to deal with the awkward fawning.
Either they always saw you as a potential sexual partner and now that avenue is closed they are no longer interested or
they were friends, but then fell for you and now they can no longer think of you as a friend or
they are just so emabarrased they can't face you or
they like you so much that they can't bare to see you.
But just be thankful you're not a guy in the same situation. In my experience female friends just don't get it if you tell them you're not interested, it somehow doesn't compute in their brains. They hang around expecting you to change your mind any minute, or reveal that it was all a ruse to make sure that they really love you, or if they are just super nice to you then you will see how wonderful they are and fall madly in love with them, or any other form of bizarre convoluted reasoning rather than accept the fact that you do not find them attractive. It really is quite maddening, you end up wishing they'd just fuck off and start hating you rather than have to deal with the awkward fawning.
OP, might I inquire as to how old you are?
Or rather, how old those boys are?
As people grow up, they tend to cope better with these situations, even though the old adage that most men are pigs still rings true. I should know, I'm one of them. But anyway.
Friendships of mixed gender (or same gender if both are not fully heterosexual) will always have some ambiguity to it. I have some ladyfriends who are just amazingly attractive, and I'm not complaining about my looks myself, so there's been some moments of "ok, what exactly is this?". You must be open and honest about this, and if you both value that friendship, that friendship will survive those feelings down under. Honestly, mild non-consumed sexual tension can actually give your friendship a boost, 's long as it doesn't get out of hand. It keeps you sharp and edgy. It boosts your wit. It spices up your conversations. I can really recommend it. Those ladies are some of my best friends because of it, I'm sure of it. And there's no jealousy whatsoever if one of us starts dating (as long as their guy isn't a douche, that is). In fact, one of them is married. This presents no problem whatsoever, even though me and her often meet each other in private.
Anyway, this isn't the most structured post ever, and I'm actually starting to wonder just what the hell my point is. Well, I think my point is, it'll get better. But probably not before it gets worse. Most guys are just like that, thinking that women are there for fuckin' and nothing else, but generally, the older they get, the wiser they get.
If they can't be friends, don't be friends.
Or rather, how old those boys are?
As people grow up, they tend to cope better with these situations, even though the old adage that most men are pigs still rings true. I should know, I'm one of them. But anyway.
Friendships of mixed gender (or same gender if both are not fully heterosexual) will always have some ambiguity to it. I have some ladyfriends who are just amazingly attractive, and I'm not complaining about my looks myself, so there's been some moments of "ok, what exactly is this?". You must be open and honest about this, and if you both value that friendship, that friendship will survive those feelings down under. Honestly, mild non-consumed sexual tension can actually give your friendship a boost, 's long as it doesn't get out of hand. It keeps you sharp and edgy. It boosts your wit. It spices up your conversations. I can really recommend it. Those ladies are some of my best friends because of it, I'm sure of it. And there's no jealousy whatsoever if one of us starts dating (as long as their guy isn't a douche, that is). In fact, one of them is married. This presents no problem whatsoever, even though me and her often meet each other in private.
Anyway, this isn't the most structured post ever, and I'm actually starting to wonder just what the hell my point is. Well, I think my point is, it'll get better. But probably not before it gets worse. Most guys are just like that, thinking that women are there for fuckin' and nothing else, but generally, the older they get, the wiser they get.
If they can't be friends, don't be friends.
You're right it can be presumptuous but I think you are over simplifying a little bit.historybuff said:
I'm not saying she should say "I have no interest in dating you" from the first handshake or anything.
But most girls I know who don't want to be dated will drop hints along the way. Simple stuff like saying she's interested in someone else, or saying how much she values having a guy who's just a friend that she can talk to. It's like when you drop hints when flirting - only I guess the opposite intent is desired.
Like I said, odds are if most of her guy friends are asking her out and then stop being friends with her, she is leading them on. So I guess this would be the equivalent of leading them off instead.
In my experience if you are even paying the slightest bit of attention to the people around you, you can tell what someone's intentions are pretty early on. As soon as you notice things might be developing into more than just friends for the other person, it would be nice to let them know beforehand that you don't feel that way, and spare them the emotional trouble and the time.
Some of these feelings can go on for months or years before a guy has the courage to ask a girl out.
it's hard to stay close to a girl you're heavily in love with while knowing you can't share that love and it will never be returned. It hurts, a lot, and even though losing a great friend is the price..it's easier to just step away.
Usually this process isn't even a choice made by either the guy or the girl, it just happens, slowly but surely
Usually this process isn't even a choice made by either the guy or the girl, it just happens, slowly but surely
The thing is, they weren't capable of just being friends. They weren't really friends with you. You were someone they wanted to have sex with. When they figure out that it isn't going to happen, they no long have any interest in you. To put it more succinctly; those dudes are assholes and you're better off without them.Chancie said:
People need to stop throwing around this whole 'love' business in my opinion. I seriously doubt anyone under, let's say 18 as an arbitrary figure, can claim they have been seriously in love. That kind of thing doesn't just come over the course of knowing some girl for a year or so, love is the kind of thing that happens ina serious and lengthly relationship.Infernostrider said:
Lets face it, how many of you have had a major crush on someone, thought you were in love, then managed to get over it in a few months? That's not love, it's just a crush.
And DON'T get me started on couples who are together for 2 weeks and start saying they love each other. In some ways that's even worse.
'Cus all the were doing before is being your friend as a means to an end? Sounds kind of harsh, but that's the only explanation I'm able to come to. If they enjoyed being your friend for a reason other than casually flirting with you to try and eventually go out with you, then that reason would still exist after you turned them down. You turned them down, they lost the 'end' that their 'means' was headed for, so they lost interested.Chancie said:
I mean, that or macho-pride. Probably a bit of both, now I think about it...
You're saying length of time and familiarity can correlate to love, in which case that makes it almost ageless. Once people are fully developed (which can be at almost any time around sixteen from a biology standpoint) they aren't going to change much in terms of hormones, which is a big part of love. I don't believe 'love' is something you're either 'in' or 'not in', I see it as a 'scale' as such; you can be more 'in love' with one person than you were with another.Icecoldcynic said:
Just my opinion, by the way, not trying to throw your opinion in your face - simply sharin'.
It foolishness as far as im concernedChancie said:
All i have to say is learn to get OVER its. Yes shes the coolest chick you know. Otherwise? See if she has any cute friends. I mean if your rewaly friends you should enjoy hanging out. Even if your prides been hurt.
Ok... i ve had this happen to me with my best friend and weve been friends for atleast 5 years...were still friends
EDIT: Um Why so much shame? If its someone you care about why not try to take the relationship further?