Top story today: (AP) In a history-changing move, world leaders have unanimously agreed to immediately outlaw stupidity in all its forms regardless of race, religion, gender, political affiliation, sexual preference or financial standing. All UN countries agreed to abide by this law within 24 hours of its signing, with massive efforts being put forth to round up all international dipshits.
This new global law, known as the "International Declaration of Intellectually Oppressed Territories" Or the I.D.I.O.T. act, has already been put into law in every member nation, with local law enforcement to begin mass arrests of individuals deemed too stupid to be useful. Wrestling audiences, daytime talk show viewers and fans of "Twilight" have already been apprehended and shipped off to an undisclosed location. It would seem that local Wal-Marts have become somewhat of a safe haven for the stupid among us as raw, unbridled stupidity is not easy to spot, initially. But free giveaways of budweiser hats and NASCAR merchandise in the parking lots have thusfar been very successful in exposing the holdouts.
No word on areas outside of North America reporting any substantial numbers of stupidity yet, but we'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Update: Rumours have been confirmed that Australia, once the depository for Britan's criminals and malcontents, will now be renamed "Stupidia" and all people deemed to be of low enough IQ (Or FOX news viewers) will be tranquilized, tagged, and carefully shipped via FedEx to Stupidia en masse, to work full time in the massive hemp fields and processing plants providing a much needed workforce for the country's new main industry of hemp and cannabis production since the Obama-Marijuana pact was signed earlier this year. The act, which not only legalizes but encourages the citizens of the world to grow and consume hemp products has been hailed by scholars and lawmakers as "The best fucking idea ever."
In an ironic twist, after geologists and agrigulturalists surveyed the Stupidian countryside and "Outbacks" of the country formerly known as Australia looking for suitable places to grow the hemp and marijuana crops, it was found that 42.0 percent of these areas already had the plant growing on them, thereby saving the federal government literally billions of dollars in startup costs. In an unrelated story, the street cost of marijuana in Stupidia is now 7 times the normal rate, with its newest citizens buying it up by the pound despite the fact that the majority of them could simply pick it up by the bushel from the government for free, as per union rules.
In other news: Stupidia, the former british penal colony known as "Australia" has now been filled to capacity, as 98% of the United States' central and southern population has been shipped there since the I.D.I.O.T act was put in place less than 24 hours ago. Unfortunately for the United States, this also included the majority of the Presidential Cabinet, 78% of Congress, and in a strange twist of fate, the president himself. Obama was arrested while grabbing a burger at a local Los Angeles eatery, after a bootleg DVD of "Twilight" was found in his laptop. As he was being led away by the LAPD, Obama was heard to say "But I don't even LIKE Twilight! It was Malia Ann's DVD! IT WAS MALIA ANN'S DVD!" The officers were so startled by the outburst from the black president that for their own safety they instinctively tasered him 37 times.
Britain, France and the entire European Union have yet to gather up all their respective morons, as a technical loophole has been found in the law; Once the majority of citizens in the aforementioned Nations realized that most of America is now living in Stupidia and can no longer influence the rest of the world, they agreed it was a pretty good idea thereby temporarily removing themselves from the stupid list. Authorities are confident that once the initial satisfaction wears off, the remaining stupid people of the world will eventually be rounded up.
Canada however, has seen only approximately 2.3% of it's population forced to move to Stupidia, but they were mostly Celine Dion fans from Quebec so nobody really noticed anyway.
In an unrelated story, an unprecedented number of international governments have donated a total of over 2.5 billion dollars to the U.S.'s Paramount Pictures to produce "Transformers 3: Megan Fox Totally Naked".
Michael Bay has of course already been brought on board as Writer/Director, stating "They're giving me HOW MUCH FUCKING MONEY?" Megan Fox will be replaced by a computer generated character, as the producers feel this will make her acting more "lifelike" and Shia LaBeouf will once again play the loveable Sam Witwicki, as soon as his whereabouts are determined.
The movie will have simultaneous openings in every participating country, where movie theatres are being specially built for the event. The all concrete theatres will all have exits leading to "Courtesy shuttles" which will take the lucky (And properly screened) "VIP" moviegoers on a deluxe all inclusive "Hollywood style" trip home.
The shuttles, which will have tinted windows for privacy and will only lock from the outside for safety, are said to be the most expensive mass transportation project ever conceived. Each shuttle can hold up to 50 people and are equipped with 4 point seatbelts and shackles for extra safety and plenty of refreshments for everyone. Transformers 3: Megan Fox Totally Naked opens internationally this December.
