Being Asexual In A Sexual Society

[Riku'sTwilight]

And if a hot/nice/cool girl asked you out on a date? Just curious, not trying to be annoying.

For me, I've never been able to have sex with a girl I love. If I love someone, I put 'm on a pedestal and stare at them in awe. I have the same with men I respect by the way, except for the sexual bit which makes me feel less horrible about it. I get anxious and clumbsy around people I admire.

And sex with someone I don't love is kinda meh.

As for my views: WHO CARES! Just don't drink and drive and don't spread STDs please

If a hot/nice/cool girl asked me out on a date then I would accept, but let them know that Im not seeking any kind of relationship or anything of that nature, only friends so that they know where they stand first and formost and then it would be up to her to decide whether she would want me as a friend, because I'd much rather have a hot/nice/cool girl as a friend than a girlfriend who i could eventually lose and/or end up resenting because of it. if you stay friends you dont get any complications and can remain happy for them regardless.

I wouldn't say I'm asexual, per se, just that I'm a hopeless romantic.
Whilst I can appreciate the attractiveness of pretty much any human being, some part of me is looking at them as a potential partner, rather than just for sex. At university, this isn't always a winning strategy...

Not that I'm ruling out sex, it seems like a good idea. It's just that it seems like a relationship-affirming thing for me, rather than a one-night stand thing.

...I've turned down sex before, for reasons along those lines. Am I doing it wrong?

No you're not doing it wrong at all, I know how uni can be a really tough time (i've just finished there myself) and I also know what girls can be like at uni.
Believe me, if you were at my university with your attitude of looking for a life partner rather than a quickie you would have gone far.

You've just got to find the right type of girl to fit what you're looking for.
They are out there, so don't worry just now

Woaah! No-one said life partner! That shows far too much pre-planning for my liking... I dunno, I just want something vaguely meaningful and lasting longer than a month (those have never gone well for me).
That tends to backfire, with the odd side effect of me having a lot of very good friends, all of whom are girls. It seems I wait just slightly too long before making a move, and suddenly realize that I'm in the friend-zone. Don't get me wrong, I like my friends! I just wish I could get my timing right... And I apologise too much for inflicting my somewhat maudlin mood on you.

Other people get this too, right - the random urge to open up on-line, that you'd never have in real life?

Haha sorry I guess I took your post a little bit too far last time. My bad!
I have a friend who has the same problem as you, always hitting the friend zone.
My advice would be to let any girl initially know you are going out on a date, like as in romantic date that way they have no excuse to think any other than that and your message is clear.
They may go on the date with you, they may not, but rejection is a part of life and I think that it's better to know where you stand with someone than always be hopeful that something might happen (as I'm guessing is possibly the case with more than one of your new-found girly friends?)
Don't apologise for anything, you haven't inflicted anything upon me.

And yeah, opening up to people is the cornerstone of becoming a happy and succesful person. Whether that is in real life or online it doesn't really matter in my opinion. As for as long as someone listens and gives you constructive advice in return then I see no problem with online random opening ups

 

[Bon_Clay]

And why not, Nurb?

People can call themselves asexual if they want to, and if it changes, well, so what? That's how the OP feels right now, and they're looking for understanding.

"Sexual orientation being "enduring" and resistant to change ("sexual orientation has proved to be generally impervious to interventions intended to change it") and asexuality being a sexual orientation, asexuality is enduring and resistant to change."

So by definition yes it matters. The whole point of a sexual orientation is it isn't just a passing interest (or lack there of). Any real cases of asexuality would be a permanent lack of interest in sex. If this is not the case it is just celibacy or abstinence, not that there is anything wrong with any of these.

 

[Tdc2182]

It's your personal preference and I respect that, but there really isn't much more to look forward to these days (Virgin). Yeah, it is something I look forward to experiencing myself. It seems like fun.

I'm not currently making it my goal to rush out there and will hump anything that moves like many people, but I do wanna see what its like. I am more a person who can be satisfied by just being alone with a girl.

 

[Frozen Donkey Wheel2]

Oh yeah, I haven't had sex yet because I'm asexual. I totally could have if I'd wanted to, but I don't. Good luck with all that "companionship", losers!

Seriously guys. Who are you kidding? The urge to reproduce is a basic human, no, basic ANIMAL instinct. It's what keeps us alive as a species. Are you really trying to say that, rather then just being socially awkward, you've managed to avoid the urge altogether by GENETICS?

Come on, people.

Anyway I find it hard sometimes when sex is all around us, being pushed in our faces and down our throats...

Poor choice of words...

Also, this. There is no way you didn't do that on purpose.

 

[Lunepyre]

Okay a couple things for those of you who seem to be skeptical here

http://hubpages.com/hub/Dispelling-Common-Myths-about-Asexuality

And here's a link to the AVEN website so you can have a look around if you're interested in the asexual perspective.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

 

[Angryman101]

I've been meaning to write a serious discussion here for some time, and now this is the topic I've chosen.
If you don't know what Asexuality is then Cambridge Dictionaries defines it as "having no interest in sexual relationships" which pretty much sums it up in my own experience.

This post is about me, being asexual in a world/society which seems to be overly sexualised these days. Just to be clear, i'm heterosexual, but I'm also asexual which means that I like women, I can find them attractive, both in personality and in physical form but I do not want to sleep with any woman (and before people say it, no i'm not gay so don't even bother suggesting that I like men).

Anyway I find it hard sometimes when sex is all around us, being pushed in our faces and down our throats and it's even worse when teenagers feel the need to have sex way before they may be physically and emotionally ready, purely just to 'fit in' with the others.
I find it hard because I don't want to do any of this so called 'social norm' and don't actively chase anybody anymore (I used to, but since I have discovered that I am asexual I do not bother anymore) or I don't try to hit on women in bars or clubs.

My friends purely think that I've given up, but I do not wish to tell them that I am asexual, mainly because I do not know anyone else with asexuality as their sexual preference and so they may find it weird that I am.

I don't see my lifestyle as a problem, on the contrary I think it's a blessing. I love being single, purely due to the large amount of money I have free to do what I want with, whereas my friends who are either married (both with and without kids) or those in a relationship (again both with and without kids) always seem to have very little free money floating around.

Above may seem a shallow view, but it is in my experience true; those with marital or relationship commitments a) do not seem to be as long term happy with a partner and b) are always living on the borderline money-wise.

What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below

1. I don't believe in asexuality. That is, to me, pretty much an impossibility biologically. What I believe is happening is some sort of psychological repression of urges due to something that has conditioned you to have such a response. May be repeated rejections, interactions as a child with your parents, or just self-made psychological conditioning, constantly asking yourself why you aren't feeling something when you should be (which makes you even more unable to feel these things) until you convince yourself you're asexual. Boy, that was probably a run-on sentence.
2. Marriages usually lead to more money unless children are involved, as it's a method to help pool your resources and get tax breaks. Personally, I don't like marriages very much because I think it puts too much pressure on a relationship, but generalizing that all marriages turn out unhappy is ignorant. My parents, for instance, are quite well off and happy with each other after 25 years of commitment. The reason so many marriages fail is because people rush into them. Sure, there are many cases in which the relationship legitimately does not work, but most of the time it's couples rushing into getting married without being ready for it. They haven't had the number of relationships under their belt to deal with the common problems that pop up in long-term relationships, haven't had the time to figure out what really makes them happy with a person. The pressures of marriage just erodes away at these factors and it leads to unhappiness. That's what I have observed, anyway.
3. What the fuck does being 'emotionally/physically' ready for sex mean, anyway? Humans are designed to start being sexually active around 13-15, and there's never been any problems with getting down and dirty at that age before. I hate this kind of new-agey puritan bullshit that people throw around. Humans are sexual creatures; sure you might get hurt emotionally once you get intimate, but it builds character and teaches you valuable lessons about future relationships.

 

[sanguinator]

what....what....happened to you people...?

 

[randomize4]

I think I am in the same situation as you. I am not attracted to men or women. A couple times I thought I had feelings for some girls, but I realized it was my attempt to try to seem "normal". I have now pretty much given up on an close relationship. For me, being asexual is not a social stigma, and I am fine telling people that I am asexual. I really stopped caring about what people think of me.

Also, it is encouraging to see someone talk about asexuality in an adult manner.

 

[Ham_authority95]

You just call yourself asexual because you want to identify with some group, have an excuse, and not feel ashamed.

Well, why should he feel ashamed? It's his life and shit...

 

[ryderawsome]

i knew a gal who said she was asexual but every time she drank she made out with anything with a pulse claiming kissing wasnt sexual, which is kinda true but whatever. long story short i dont really have an opinion

 

[Irony's Acolyte]

-snip-

Thankyou for your comment, I just wanted to punch in here and state where I am in your argument. I have a high sex drive (higher than most of my friends incidentally) but your second point, "the way that he grew up made him less interested in sex" is pretty correct.

I cant really pinpoint any particular moment in my upbringing that made me less interested in sex, I guess I would say its years of conditioning to make me this way.
I was and have been sexually aroused many times, its just that I dont desire a sexual relations with anyone.
I will agree with you on your mind theory, the mind is a powerful thing and can make your body believe a number of things (arousal for certain things for an on-topic instance)

Okay, cool. I figured that having a low sex drive would play a role in becoming asexual. I wasn't sure about you which was why I was guessing. Its interesting that you have a high sex drive but I guess its because, as you stated, you aren't quite as interested in sex (at least as part of a relationship) as most other people. I figure most people are so fixed on the mindset that sex should happen within an established relationship is because that's how they've been raised.

And I'm with you when it comes to having a high sex drive but not necessarily looking for sexual relationships. Although I wouldn't mind having sex with women, I don't see it as having to be in a romantic relationship. Its probably due to the fact that although I have a high sex drive, I haven't ever had sex, so I had to resort to other means to fufill my urges. Long story short, this caused me to break the mental connection that sex must be within a romantic relationship. So I can see where you're coming from when you say that you have a high sex drive but are asexual.

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

I'd consider myself asexual. I really don't see why people act like romantic relationships are so great. They seems downright stupid to me. Like a pure waste of time.

 

[Lunepyre]

I've been meaning to write a serious discussion here for some time, and now this is the topic I've chosen.
If you don't know what Asexuality is then Cambridge Dictionaries defines it as "having no interest in sexual relationships" which pretty much sums it up in my own experience.

This post is about me, being asexual in a world/society which seems to be overly sexualised these days. Just to be clear, i'm heterosexual, but I'm also asexual which means that I like women, I can find them attractive, both in personality and in physical form but I do not want to sleep with any woman (and before people say it, no i'm not gay so don't even bother suggesting that I like men).

Anyway I find it hard sometimes when sex is all around us, being pushed in our faces and down our throats and it's even worse when teenagers feel the need to have sex way before they may be physically and emotionally ready, purely just to 'fit in' with the others.
I find it hard because I don't want to do any of this so called 'social norm' and don't actively chase anybody anymore (I used to, but since I have discovered that I am asexual I do not bother anymore) or I don't try to hit on women in bars or clubs.

My friends purely think that I've given up, but I do not wish to tell them that I am asexual, mainly because I do not know anyone else with asexuality as their sexual preference and so they may find it weird that I am.

I don't see my lifestyle as a problem, on the contrary I think it's a blessing. I love being single, purely due to the large amount of money I have free to do what I want with, whereas my friends who are either married (both with and without kids) or those in a relationship (again both with and without kids) always seem to have very little free money floating around.

Above may seem a shallow view, but it is in my experience true; those with marital or relationship commitments a) do not seem to be as long term happy with a partner and b) are always living on the borderline money-wise.

What are your views, oh dear Escapists? Are any of you asexual? do you know anybody who is? or do you want to argue anything I've said here? Post a reply below

I know a few asexual people on the escapist, they're pretty alright, aside from that I think you're totally wrong. on it being hard to be asexual in society. Asexual = celibate, big deal there's been celibate people for centuries, people'll find it a bit weird and leave you alone. What's there to ostracize you from society? Being LGBTQ on the other hand is a ***** to deal with. For one the fact that LGBTQ exists is a symptom, we get our own label, wooh. It's fucking stupid, I like women, and I like men and that somehow shoves me into this little fucking niche I don't belong to. For all the claimed for serialization of society, it's repressed as ever. Just being accused of being gay or bi or w/e is a grievous fucking insult. Most people are bi to at least some extent, but god help you if you mention it. LGBTQ members are getting acceptance whatever the fuck that means, but fuck that, acceptance means there's something abnormal to accept. The whole system of gay/straight/whatever is fucking stupid, it shouldn't matter in the slightest on a societal level, but hey that's just my interpretation as someone who has to put up with this shit on a daily basis in one form or another.

Asexuality is *not* celibacy, it is the literal disinterest in sex, lack of sexual attraction, or aversion to sexual acts in general. Some asexual people can have sex, but do so only for the benefit of their partners, usually, and a fair number practice masturbation.

Asexuals make up 1% of the population, so of course no one here understands it, but talking shit and trying to make yourself sound smart about subjects you cannot relate to and have 0 vested interest in means absolutely nothing. Being treated as if you cannot, *should* not exist due to asexuality is comparable to the discrimination LGBT individuals face. hell I lean toward guys so I get shit from both ends thrown at me.

 

[Squeaky]

I can kinda relate. I am not entriely sore as to why i dont aprear to have a sex drive any more, when I was in year 3/4 I had a huge sex drive and chased girls and spanked etc ( I never did anything ) but the older iv gotten the less iv cared about it.

I just want a meaning full relationship or good friends its hard when alot of people say "you got a girl friend yet", or "havent you poped your cherry" when I just dont care as much but it seems like a bad excuse to them when i truely dont care.

I wouldnt have called it Asexual though as i thought thats when something repoduces with it self like a flower/frog/toad does ?

 

[Estocavio]

Im Asexual also - partly because i find sexuality to be pointless, being attracted to people to be a weakness, being paranoid of all humans, not wanting STD's over some one night stand, and noting that most sexually active people are inferior in various ways.

 

[Slick Samurai]

Genetically speaking, an asexual person is impossible. A person will always have the drive to reproduce, it's just how the system works. The only way to get over hard programming like that is to have a traumatic experience or upbringing. Even then, it's pretty implausible for the person to experience no sexual urges.

If you aren't feeling any of these drives, then most likely you haven't hit puberty or (for lack of a better expression) "found the right person".

In most cases, an "asexual" person isn't someone who doesn't feel urges, just an extremely picky person who hasn't found the right partner.

 

[PrototypeC]

1. It's not real.
2. You must be confused.
3. There's no biological reason for it.
4. You must not have tried it. Here's a man/woman for you. Go nuts.

^^^These are all things that I have heard before about homosexuality, and I believe in every kind of sexuality, including asexuality. Do I understand it? Hell no, that's why I find it interesting.

What about my question?

 

[drummond13]

Whether you're "asexual" or not, you have a very negatively warped view of relationships. I've actually started accumulating MORE money since I got into a relationship, in part because sharing a one-bedroom apartment is cheaper than splitting a two-bedroom with a roommate. Yes, some relationships end, but I've been in very few that I've regretted starting.

Your lifestyle is your own to choose, of course. If you don't want to go for sex, don't. You're right that our society seems overly obsessed with it. But I'm afraid I also fall into the camp of people here who feel that you're really just labeling yourself as "asexual" because you've decided you're less interested in it than most of the people around you and relationships (and dating) are hard work and often lead to vulnerability.

Asexual or not, you're missing out. As one of the few people (apparently) on this thread that has actually had sex with women he loves who also love him, there's really nothing else like it out there. Absolutely nothing is a substitute for a relationship with someone you love. It's not like they're gonna design a video game that captures the experience...