Best Way To Make A Telemarketer Rage Quit

[FoolKiller]

I've told them my parents aren't at home. I live on my own

 

[Disaster Button]

You could just try breathing really heavily down the phone the next time they call.

 

[Azrael the Cat]

I once had a telemarketer call up and ask for my housemate (this was prior to my getting married, so I was still sharing a place with a friend). He hates telemarketers as much as I do, so when he asked 'is Mr ______ available?' I replied 'Sorry, he's busy performing fellatio at the moment.' He obviously didn't understand over the phone line (I think it was from a call centre in India, as the reception was a bit muffled, because he asked the same question again. I again answered 'Sorry, he's performing fellatio on me right now.' The telemarketer asked again 'Can Mr _______ speak on the phone right now, for a great telephone deal?'. So I responded 'No, he quite clearly cannot speak right now, because his mouth is full of [insert synonym for rooster, starting with c and ending with k].'

That and the 'what underwear do you have on?' is always a good one. When they complain, you can just reply 'well you called ME!'


I'm hoping my use of the words fellatio and the rooster synonym avoids me getting banned for this post. It's a true story, and fortunately the little kiddies on the forum will only get it if they already know those words, so I've tried to make it as inoffensive as possible while preserving the truth

 

[xXGeckoXx]

... 'nuff said.

ninja'd

 

[Lord Mountbatten Reborn]

I remember OptimusHagrid's.

Someone rang, and asked him: "Hello, is Mrs. OptimusHagrid in?"

He replied: "I'm sorry, Mrs. OptimusHagrid doesn't reside here anymore. Not since... the incident."

Then he hung up. I'd love to know what the look on the telemarketer's face was.

 

[gamefreakbsp]

Your mom rocks. I don't get calls from them, but if I did, I would pretend to tell the about everything I don't like in the world.

 

[blindthrall]

These people have an unimaginably crappy job and you're just making it worse. They can get fired for hanging up on you, so next time you feel inclined to mess with them just feel how good it is to make someone homeless.

Fuck those people. If the only way they know how to make money is by invading other people's privacy, then fuck 'em. Certain jobs carry certain responsibilities, just like a cop can expect some violence in their career, telemarketers can expect hate. I had a friend who worked as a telemarketer, he said all their sales (cheap lawn furniture) came from senile old people duped into buying the crap because they just wanted somebody to talk to. So every time I just leave the phone sitting there and they hang up, there's one less telemarketer in the world? That does make me feel good. That just made my day.

If I really want to mess with someone, I act retarded.

"Joey's not here. Mommy's drunk, Joey's not here. I like candy." Long pause. "I like vaginas." Click.

 

[blindthrall]

snip

Being way too paranoid man. If I didn't get banned for my post in the "Express your feelings for Micheal Atkinson" thread, you've got nothing to worry about. The only rule that matters around here is "Don't be a dick to other Escapists."

 

[Hemlet]

I have caller ID, so I have the wonderful advantage of being able to guess it's a telemarketer before picking up the phone. On the off occasion I do decide to answer, the usual opening I use is: "Poppa John's Pizza and Abortion Palace, your loss is our sauce! Can I take your order?"

Usually they hang up as soon as they hear "abortion".

 

[TheTaco007]

I just yell "THIS IS SPARTA" every time they try to say something, until they hang up.

 

[No-Superman10]

Telemarketer: Hello i'm from XXXX
Me: Hello? oh god did you hear that?
T:What?
*Alien Hiss*
M: Oh my god it's found me!
T: What? Whats happening?
*Gnashing and wet ripping noises*
M: *Strangled Scream*
T:?????

 

[TheTaco007]

Telemarketer: Hello i'm from XXXX
Me: Hello? oh god did you hear that?
T:What?
*Alien Hiss*
M: Oh my god it's found me!
T: What? Whats happening?
*Gnashing and wet ripping noises*
M: *Strangled Scream*
T:?????

Oh man, that was great...

 

[Paulrus_Keaton]

A telemarker once called my friend on his cell phone. My friend then hung up, called the guy back, and tried to sell him body parts.

 

[LGC Pominator]

I put on my best power metal voice and start singing the chorus of whichever corny viking song of thunder enters my head.

Telemarketer: "Hello, this is Janet fro-"
UJ: "BROTHERS EVERYWHERE. RAISE YOUR HANDS INTO THE AIR, WE'RE WARRIORS, WARRIORS OF THE WORLD.

EXCELLENT!

went to see them in Germany in January.
Also my method is to lead telemarketers on then just explain that I am hungry and will be back when I have had some food, then leave the mobile next to some computer speakers with loud static playing

 

[Latinidiot]

One thing you fail to realise is if you don't immediately hang up the phone... they have already won.

nonononono, you don't understand. A cat can kill a mouse and eat it instantly, but you can always play with your prey.

 

[No-Superman10]

Telemarketer: Hello i'm from XXXX
Me: Hello? oh god did you hear that?
T:What?
*Alien Hiss*
M: Oh my god it's found me!
T: What? Whats happening?
*Gnashing and wet ripping noises*
M: *Strangled Scream*
T:?????

Oh man, that was great...

Thanks, i havn't tried it but i plan to use is sometime soon if i can get the sound effects.

 

[Memoriae]

These people have an unimaginably crappy job and you're just making it worse. They can get fired for hanging up on you, so next time you feel inclined to mess with them just feel how good it is to make someone homeless.

I'm on the TPS, meaning it's illegal for these sales companies to cold call me (Tends to be much less in the UK anyway), so if they fancy like breaking the law, then I'm perfectly within my rights to fuck with their heads a bit.

And no, cold calling is not a job. It's something that lazy idiots do, because they have no inclination to be above the level of a gutter feeder.

 

[Sahasrahla]

Me, I like to affect a high-pitched voice and impersonate a foul-mouthed toddler.

TM: Hello, is [My name] there?
ME: Who?
TM: Oh, is your daddy home?
ME: ... What kind of fucking **** are you? No, my "daddy" isn't home, he's out getting pissed.
TM: Well what about your mommy?
ME: Look, don't fucking patronize me, asshole. What do you want?
TM: I'm calling on behalf of [company name] and we'd like to offer you--
ME: YAWN. You interrupted my nap time for this horse shit?
TM: Well it's a great time to--
ME: Do you ever think about killing yourself? I mean, you work in a fucking CALL CENTER.
TM: (sobs) ThanksAndHaveANiceDay.
ME: Whatever, twat.

 

[Veldrenor]

Me and my family do the typical polite "Sorry, but I'm not interested," but there was this one telemarketer that my dad messed with. The telemarketer was selling life insurance. I'm paraphrasing of course, but the conversation went something like this:

My dad (after listening to the spiel for a minute): So I could get insurance coverage for other members of my family, like my kids or my wife?
Telemarketer: Absolutely.
My dad: Do your policies cover accidental deaths?
Telemarketer: Yes sir, we have a wide array of policy options.
My dad: So if my wife were to, say, slip and fall on a knife in the kitchen thirteen times, would she be covered?
Telemarketer: ...Um...yes?
My dad: Cool, cool. Could I get a policy that's retroactive to about ten minutes ago?
Telemarketer: ...I'm...going to have to call you back. (click)