"...but we're just friends"

[MelziGurl]

The things I am hearing here sound awfully familiar...
Kinda glad I have never really been overly interested in others.

I have plenty of male friends (nerds included) who I see having the best personalities, but nothing that attracts me to them past the point of being their friend. I can think about it, try to convince myself to see more but it just doesn't happen. Also, being that I have not long come out of a relationship with a gamer, I'm just not attracted to anyone who might value their console more than a relationship.

Agreed, through and through.
I suspect that the thought of coming second to an inanimate object, or anything else for that matter to be highly off-puting.

Well considering I've already been there...yes, it's highly off-putting.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

I'm completely fine with it when a girl tells me she just wants to be friends.

Although, that may be due to the fact that I, myself am female, and not a lesbian.

EDIT: If it's any consolation, however, this isn't a male specific issue. For me, it's when I get told I'm just "one of the guys."

 

[bak00777]

every fucking time i put myself out there and actually build up the guts to ask a girl i get, "I dont see it working out" or "I just want to be friends"

Losing hope here.

 

[game-lover]

I basically agree with all the responses that say she's not attracted or interested in you.

You're funny and kind and sweet but sadly, you don't get her hormones awake enough. That's pretty much my motivation if I say that to somebody. And I have. With at least one guy.

Granted, I like to think that if I was even the slightest bit attracted to you, I'd say yes. Within a heartbeat.

 

[SkyeNeko]

sometimes 'i just want to be friends' means 'i dont want to date you because youre [insult]'. isnt that better than her taking a chance and then deciding she doesnt like you? i dunno...

 

[Daveman]

Well it's usually more like "You'd be attractive if you were like 3 inches taller."

That's from girls who are friends though, not girls I've asked out. I'm like the Charlie Brown of talking to women.

I'm going to die alone.

edit: I'm not usually this depressed sounding, I just haven't been sleeping well lately and I just watched Donnie Darko. Although I am definitely going to die alone.

 

[Ickorus]

Yes I have had this situation, it sucked on the one occation it mattered to me but I managed to overcome it.

I've had perhaps one other girl besides the one who I ended up dating say it to me.

I know what it's like to be 'just friends' with girls too being the one delivering the sometimes crushing statement so I know both ends of the situation well.

Just for reference I ended up dating the girl who had once said we were just friends for about 2 years but in the end we both realised we really were better off being just friends albeit friends who cared about one another deeply.

 

[theguitarhero6]

I feel you, bro.
As it turns out, I'm a better friend than significant other(at least thats what the girl says)
I'm convinced that being a nice guy will get you fucking nowhere in this world.
Nowhere.

 

[TheGreatCoolEnergy]

Nice answer: Because the woman in question probably values you as a true friend, and realizes that while relationships rise and fall, a good friend can last a life time. I mean, maybe you should consider how lucky you are; you already know her so well, and she respects and trusts you enough not to see you as "some dude I could date"

Not so nice answer: Because women are psychotic cold hearted bitches who don't know what the fuck they want and what the fuck is good for them, so they take the fucking douche bags over the nice guys, and then ***** and moan that all guys are dicks. No honey, you are just fucking stupid

Realistic answer: Because people want what they can't have. She probably has feelings for a guy who only sees her as a friend

 

[TheGreatCoolEnergy]

I have plenty of male friends (nerds included) who I see having the best personalities, but nothing that attracts me to them past the point of being their friend. I can think about it, try to convince myself to see more but it just doesn't happen. Also, being that I have not long come out of a relationship with a gamer, I'm just not attracted to anyone who might value their console more than a relationship.

You are dating the wrong type of gamer then. Owning a console does not make you less of a dick

 

[DougNotDougie]

In my experience you just gotta do something really cute that shows the girl your more than what they think you are... In my case I wrote a song for the girl...

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

Guys giving guys dating advice...I love how everyone says "don't be friends!"

Speaking from a female perspective (of course, this won't work with ALL girls), I prefer to be friends first, because then I can judge what taking the next step would be like. I really believe that the "I want to be friends" or "I don't want to ruin our friendship" excuses are absolutely rubbish.
To put it bluntly, if a girl says this, she's just not interested in a romantic relationship, whether that's because you're not her type, she doesn't find you attractive, whatever.

I don't know one girl who has gotten into a relationship with a guy who is a mere acquaintance, because a certain degree of trust usually needs to be established for a girl to commit.
If you're friends with a girl and you both like each other, it WILL happen. There won't be any of this "we're friends" rubbish, because the next logical step from a platonic friendship is a romantic relationship. Love usually comes from compatibility, so if you're friends, you're able to forge a deep connection from the off.

It's just like...how "the spark" is a term made up by guys so they can have sex with someone. It's all a charade!

OP: All that's happening is that you just haven't found a good enough girl yet.
I'm sorry if it upsets you or whatever, but "we're just friends" is a lame excuse so that she can duck out of having to say "not interested" and avoid hurting your feelings so that she doesn't look like the bad guy.

How much easier would it be if girls were forthright and honest? If I like or don't like someone (in general or romantically), they damn well know about it. I get so sick of mind games, and I think girls play them to their full effect. At least you know if a guy just wants sex. Women can play games to expand their own egos, out of resentment, out of pure malice...

Not saying only girls act this way, and only guys act that way, there are exceptions to every rule, so I don't mean to offend anyone who's not like this, I'm just generalising to make a point.

Speaking as a male, this is also how I feel about it -- especially the fact that "I just want to be friends," "I don't want to ruin our friendship," or "I'm not ready for a relationship at this time" are blatant lies, told to avoid hurting someone's feelings, that generally hurt more in the end. I'll admit the last one isn't a lie quite as frequently as the other ones -- for example, I got turned down this way by a girl whose boyfriend broke up with her very shortly before. I really was making a move too soon for her, but if she had been a different girl, it would have been the smart thing to do; I've missed out by not moving fast enough, too. However, when it's been a long time since the girl has had a date, "I'm not ready for a relationship" is usually just another way of letting a guy down "easy".

As for the whole "ask her out in the first five minutes" thing that has been knocked around in this thread, if I were looking for a one night stand, then sure, I'd know on sight if the girl was attractive enough to be worth the effort. But that's not generally what I'm looking for, and it takes a certain amount of familiarity to know that I have enough in common with a girl to ask her out. I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is particularly low on my list, but beauty is, as they say, skin deep -- and I prefer my relationships to go deeper than that.

That said, I haven't had a date in around three years at this point, so I must be doing something wrong. At least the last year and a half of that has had more to do with me not meeting anyone of interest, instead of the girls not being interested in me. It's a pain in the butt to meet new people on a university campus the size of a small city; it's way too impersonal out here.

 

[Azure Sky]

Well considering I've already been there...yes, it's highly off-putting.

And I am a guy, and a gamer to boot and I find the thought of it a turn-off as well. Go figure =/

 

[SirDoom]

Well, this isn't exactly a every-time thing, but sometimes the "friend card" is the preferable option.

For example, I pretty much asked my first girlfriend out 5 minutes after meeting her (although we talked a lot the week prior via phone/text.) If I had waited one more day, it would have saved me a month or so of on-and-off hell, and things more than likely would have worked out in the end between us.

In short- The friend card at the beginning is better than getting it just a little later, then having the possibility of a relationship held just at the edge of your reach, constantly getting within reach and then being pulled away just as you grasp onto it and hold it for a few seconds, until eventually you decide it's not worth your time, then you have that possibility of a relationship try to wriggle it's way back into your hand as you try to shoo it away like the annoying fly it is.

Getting to know the person a little bit first typically leads to longer relationships (and overall better ones) when they do eventually happen, in my experience. You just have to know how to give and take hints before straight up asking =)

Although, I can kind of attest to the "let them know you're interested from the beginning" thing. Right as I was just getting to know my current girlfriend as a friend (only a week or two in), we were already going to the movies here and there and hanging out a lot. Just as friends, of course, but it was fairly obvious that I liked her as more than that from the start, even if I never said it until months later.

 

[MelziGurl]

I have plenty of male friends (nerds included) who I see having the best personalities, but nothing that attracts me to them past the point of being their friend. I can think about it, try to convince myself to see more but it just doesn't happen. Also, being that I have not long come out of a relationship with a gamer, I'm just not attracted to anyone who might value their console more than a relationship.

You are dating the wrong type of gamer then. Owning a console does not make you less of a dick

The right kind of gamer, in my experience, has been too little and too few. It is like finding Mr Right...

 

[conflictofinterests]

They "just want to be friends" probably for the same reason hungry kids in different countries won't eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (Or something like tongue or brain here). They just aren't accustomed to thinking of you (or the sandwiches/tongue/brain) as a relationship option, (or as food). Sadly, for most people, once they get to thinking of something a certain way, or not thinking about it but attributing a connotation to it anyways, they often can't or won't think of that thing in any other way.

My current boyfriend wasn't much of a looker, but he made it very clear to me early on that he was interested in me as more than a friend. *EDIT* He didn't ask me out, he hit on me and what not. A couple years later, and we're planning to move in together and get married.

 

[Ace of Spades]

Nope, but I suspect that I will at some point. With my first failed relationship, after I asked her out, and she declined, she just started ignoring me, no longer talking to me or even looking at me, which was actually kind of funny if a major disappointment. But, I guarantee that the next time I try will end with that line, so I've mentally prepared myself for the moment when it comes.

 

[Fawcks]

This has NEVER happened to me.

I'm always the one using the "Just friends" line. :C

 

[BehattedWanderer]

Ah, man, the friend zone. Yeah, I remember those days. You eventually learn that you have about a 48 hour window of initialization where you have to make a move, otherwise it's a tough, tough climb. I made it out of the friend zone once, man. Had it not been for several thousand miles and a continental landmass, I'd probably still be with her.

If you like her, man, tell her as soon as you can. It's worth it. But, importantly, don't get super attached to her. Tell her once, when she's sober, and she'll always know. Act on it once, as well. Don't be awkward, and if it happens, help it happen. If it doesn't, then you need to move on. Life isn't like a Rom-Com, friend, and the nice guy doesn't get the cute girl he's loved all his life. That kind of singular minded devotion to a girl who you aren't dating is actually destructive and prohibitive of making things happen.

So, if you end up liking her immediately, move. Be everything you know you can and would be up front, and you'll have a much better chance.