Clever insults?

[Wackymon]

So, I've delt with some annoying people in my time, but I always find it fun to get back at them by out-witting them with absurd insults, in such a way that leaves them wondering "What did you say?" Espescially if it seems easy to understand, yet they don't.
An example is "I find your behavior comparable to those diagnosed with retardation."

So, escapist, when have you ever had a really clever insult?

 

[Basement Cat]

[HEADING=2]Absolutely!!![/HEADING]


So many people have zinged me with clever insults over the years that I couldn't begin to count how many times I've been put down!!!

[small]As for whether I've zapped others, well...[/small]​

 

[saoirse13]

are you insinuating that I should tolerate this diabolical insubordination from an individual whose mental capacity barely exceeds that of a Lima bean?"

Ive used that before... ok granted i did not come up with it by myself... I thought it was still good.

 

[Lilani]

Stephen Fry has some good insults, sometimes. "You fucking pig-eyed sack of shit" is one of my favorites:

 

[Andy Shandy]

Spoiler: Some of my favourites are on this image. (For those that do not enjoy swearing, don't open this spoiler

But I do admit, I do enjoy an imaginative insult. However, let's just say that the people that used to insult me (at school and the like) were not the most imaginative.

 

[corvuscorrax]

So, I've delt with some annoying people in my time, but I always find it fun to get back at them by out-witting them with absurd insults, in such a way that leaves them wondering "What did you say?" Espescially if it seems easy to understand, yet they don't.
An example is "I find your behavior comparable to those diagnosed with retardation."

So, escapist, when have you ever had a really clever insult?

So, I've delt with some annoying people in my time, but I always find it fun to get back at them by out-witting them with absurd insults, in such a way that leaves them wondering "What did you say?" Espescially if it seems easy to understand, yet they don't.
An example is "I find your behavior comparable to those diagnosed with retardation."

So, escapist, when have you ever had a really clever insult?

Hmm, I got a good one I just used today. I was playing SC2 arcade with a group of like 10 others and one guy was shamelessly raging with his capslock key.

I died at one point and he had to berate me on how "BAD AND STUPID I WAS"

So I just said "If I wanted advice I would have took it from your mother and wore a condom."

He shutup for like... 60 seconds but that minute was GLORIOUS.

 

[ServebotFrank]

I got one.

"Were you born on the highway? Because that's where accidents happen."

 

[CrimsonBlaze]

Spoiler: Short, simple, and to the point

You cannot believe how many people I've done this to and I've been able to get away with it. I think only one person that I've done this to has actually come back to me (days later, mind you) and told me that they were offended by it. When I asked them why, they simply said that they felt like I was being rude to them. So feel free to use it as much as you like.

 

[DugMachine]

Spoiler: Short, simple, and to the point

You cannot believe how many people I've done this to and I've been able to get away with it. I think only one person that I've done this to has actually come back to me (days later, mind you) and told me that they were offended by it. When I asked them why, they simply said that they felt like I was being rude to them. So feel free to use it as much as you like.

I feel dumb but what am I supposed to feel from seeing that?

edit: Nevermind I see it now..

 

[krazykidd]

There was this guy on the bus the other day . Me and my friend were talking softly i may add , and the guy sighs in frustration a tells us to move because we were botherin him . Now had he asked kindly i might have moved , but because he was rude i said no , that if i was bothering him , he could get up a change seats . Now he was reading a bible . And i happened to look at my friend and say " jesus christ ". This frustrated the man and he said. " DO NOT USE THE LORDS NAME IN VAIN". I replied " Vain means for no reason , jesus christ in this context was to express my frustration in this silly matter and my inability to comprehend how a grown man could be so childish . Learn the meaning to words before using them ". I said this in a calm manner , the man fell silent and the entire bus filled with adults bursted into laughter . I was getting off of the buss in two stops , and before i moved to get off the bus , i said , again in a calm manner , " have a nice day sir". The rage in his face was priceless .

My friend who got off the bus with me looked at me and said , why didn't you tell him off , i told him that the best way to piss people off is to reply in a calm and condescending manner , rather than get angry and swearing . Just something i learned while working in retail .

 

[Spambot 3000]

Obviously the single most clever, witty and original insult ever is the word '******'. If you are ever called that, you may as well just sit down, shut up and marvel at the users incredible intelligence and amazing vocabulary.

 

[Nerexor]

i told him that the best way to piss people off is to reply in a calm and condescending manner , rather than get angry and swearing . Just something i learned while working in retail.

This. Having worked retail before I learned the secret way of saying "have a nice day" that actually means "get the hell out of my drive through window and I hope you have transmission failure on a busy highway."

Insults within my family tend towards the amusing though. My dad goes in for elaborate ones like "May the fleas from four thousand filthy camels infest your navel" or "may the blue bird of paradise pursue you all your life... and never catch up."

 

[dragdev]

This always gets me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFY4amEjDBw

that and "I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?"

 

[Rastien]

Upon watching my friend shy away from a team fight in dota 2.

"Your mum called #dudes name# she said she wants her balls back"

 

[omega 616]

I find any insults from Black Adder to be the best, they put people down but are so out there and random you can't help but laugh.


I do have a book of insults floating around somewhere ... shouldn't be too hard to find if it's floating.

 

[Pandalisk]

Spoiler: Short, simple, and to the point

You cannot believe how many people I've done this to and I've been able to get away with it. I think only one person that I've done this to has actually come back to me (days later, mind you) and told me that they were offended by it. When I asked them why, they simply said that they felt like I was being rude to them. So feel free to use it as much as you like.

My rubutle to that has always been "Those are fingers not lines, Champion."

My insults usually depend on the person and its always in good fun, usually i try and make them state a contradiction about themselves in context and then Laaaawl.

oh and "Put all your potatoes in one basket and they'll get tha blighte" is a favourite proverb insult o' mine.

 

[Palademon]

My only slightly witty insult is my response to random insults using the word gay.

"Being gay isn't a bad thing, so it's only an insult to me if you know I'm straight, or you're homophobic. Which one is it?"

For them, at best they have to admit their insult is defused. At worst, they have to insult themselves.

 

[Jolly Co-operator]

Here's one:

"You look like someone told you the secret of eternal youth . . . but lied."

I didn't come up with it, but I've always liked it.

 

[Jason Rayes]

I've done zingers before, but who can ever remember them, they are usually off the cuff. So Ill use someone else's

Lady Astor: If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.

And also

Lady Astor: Mr Churchill, you're drunk.
Churchill: Yes madam, and you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober.