Clever insults?

[CPunchMaster]

Yeah...well...I had sex with your wife!

My wife is in a coma.

Slightly more on topic, I'll have to try some of these out. My normal comeback is just "no you."

 

[Bad Jim]

"Sir, I have found you an argument; but I am not obliged to find you an understanding."

George Bernard Shaw: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one."
Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."

Clive James - " And now, the woman who set music free, gave it a five minute start, then came after it with a pack of hounds, Margarita Pracatan!"

A few Monkey Island insults:

You make me want to puke.
You make me think somebody already did.

There are no words for how disgusting you are.
Yes there are. You just never learned them.

I've heard you were a contemptible sneak.
Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

Yeah...well...I had sex with your wife!

My wife is in a coma.

Slightly more on topic, I'll have to try some of these out. My normal comeback is just "no you."

You think he asked for consent first?

Sorry, I am going to hell, sorry, and my apologies.

EDIT: Alternatively "And your point would be?"

This really was to damn easy.


And I don't really have anything to contributes since in real life no-one insults me due to me having a physically imposing stature and on the internet I rarely remember my zingers.

 

[CPunchMaster]

You think he asked for consent first?

Sorry, I am going to hell, sorry, and my apologies.

Maybe you missed it, but that exchange was from an episode of Seinfeld. No actual comas on my part, don't worry.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

You think he asked for consent first?

Sorry, I am going to hell, sorry, and my apologies.

Maybe you missed it, but that exchange was from an episode of Seinfeld. No actual comas on my part, don't worry.

Never watched Seinfeld.
That sorry was more of a pre-emptive measure in case someone objects to my jokes.

 

[ClockworkPenguin]

My general response if I want to insult someone is to raise one eyebrow, stare at them for 10 seconds, shake my head and leave.

It says 'whatever you just said is so stupid as to be completely beneath my company' far better than the words ever could.

 

[Mycroft Holmes]

An example is "I find your behavior comparable to those diagnosed with retardation."

That's less of a clever insult and more of you discovering how to use a thesaurus...

 

[Icaruss]

I used to tell my little brother he was the poster child for abortion.It worked out though his now 6,4 220ish and could kick my ass with a particularly hard look.

 

[Random berk]

Saw this one in my undergrad lab;

'During evolution, your ancestors must have been the control group.'

I quite like it. Though if I was ever talking to someone that I would actually use any of these insults in anger long enough to need it, then I'd be doing something wrong anyway.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

Found my standard response to something and/or someone which manages to truly provoke me on the internet.

Spoiler: warning, fully fledged rant inside

Why are you such an idiot? You jaundiced jumped up, vercordiously pusillanimous piffle. Your vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare. It is politically correct when discussing your faults to use certain words to denote your humanness above your disability. But in your case, there is nothing human. You are just challenged, you are just different. Given a choice of stepping in something nasty on the sidewalk, or bidding you good morning, I would happily choose the former. Single-handedly, you have wrenched all meaning out of life. Congratulations. As I write this I try vainly to think of something, anything, which redeems in some small way your utterly pointless existence. The only thing that comes to mind is that you have taught me hate. Pure, unmitigated hate. I have had fantasies about attacking you with a machete, but I dare not. I once cut up a starfish, which was so neurologically simple that each piece grew into a clone of the original. Your coleopteron brain no doubt shares certain appalling similarities with such creatures. You, misguided as you are, might be asking yourself what you have done to deserve such a letter as this. Your misdeeds and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. And believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. How do you justify to yourself waking up each morning and ruining yet another day? If everything in this world has some purpose, some grand plan behind its existence, then yours surely is to show everything else, whether it be a slops bucket in a fried chicken stand, or the gunk behind the fridge, how fortunate it is not to be you. I have tried, but clearly, I have failed. I must stand firm to the realisation that mere words cannot express my utmost and profound contempt and loathing for your person, your being and your existence. You are a blight against nature.

 

[Bad Jim]

Found my standard response to something and/or someone which manages to truly provoke me on the internet.

Spoiler: warning, fully fledged rant inside

Why are you such an idiot? You jaundiced jumped up, vercordiously pusillanimous piffle. Your vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare. It is politically correct when discussing your faults to use certain words to denote your humanness above your disability. But in your case, there is nothing human. You are just challenged, you are just different. Given a choice of stepping in something nasty on the sidewalk, or bidding you good morning, I would happily choose the former. Single-handedly, you have wrenched all meaning out of life. Congratulations. As I write this I try vainly to think of something, anything, which redeems in some small way your utterly pointless existence. The only thing that comes to mind is that you have taught me hate. Pure, unmitigated hate. I have had fantasies about attacking you with a machete, but I dare not. I once cut up a starfish, which was so neurologically simple that each piece grew into a clone of the original. Your coleopteron brain no doubt shares certain appalling similarities with such creatures. You, misguided as you are, might be asking yourself what you have done to deserve such a letter as this. Your misdeeds and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. And believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. How do you justify to yourself waking up each morning and ruining yet another day? If everything in this world has some purpose, some grand plan behind its existence, then yours surely is to show everything else, whether it be a slops bucket in a fried chicken stand, or the gunk behind the fridge, how fortunate it is not to be you. I have tried, but clearly, I have failed. I must stand firm to the realisation that mere words cannot express my utmost and profound contempt and loathing for your person, your being and your existence. You are a blight against nature.

Brevity is wit.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

Found my standard response to something and/or someone which manages to truly provoke me on the internet.

Spoiler: warning, fully fledged rant inside

Why are you such an idiot? You jaundiced jumped up, vercordiously pusillanimous piffle. Your vileseome existence nauseates me beyond compare. It is politically correct when discussing your faults to use certain words to denote your humanness above your disability. But in your case, there is nothing human. You are just challenged, you are just different. Given a choice of stepping in something nasty on the sidewalk, or bidding you good morning, I would happily choose the former. Single-handedly, you have wrenched all meaning out of life. Congratulations. As I write this I try vainly to think of something, anything, which redeems in some small way your utterly pointless existence. The only thing that comes to mind is that you have taught me hate. Pure, unmitigated hate. I have had fantasies about attacking you with a machete, but I dare not. I once cut up a starfish, which was so neurologically simple that each piece grew into a clone of the original. Your coleopteron brain no doubt shares certain appalling similarities with such creatures. You, misguided as you are, might be asking yourself what you have done to deserve such a letter as this. Your misdeeds and villainous vampings can be described in just two words: you exist. And believe me, there is no reason on earth why you should. How do you justify to yourself waking up each morning and ruining yet another day? If everything in this world has some purpose, some grand plan behind its existence, then yours surely is to show everything else, whether it be a slops bucket in a fried chicken stand, or the gunk behind the fridge, how fortunate it is not to be you. I have tried, but clearly, I have failed. I must stand firm to the realisation that mere words cannot express my utmost and profound contempt and loathing for your person, your being and your existence. You are a blight against nature.

Brevity is wit.

What a witty response...

 

[Dethenger]

Random woman: "You need to cut your hair."
Me: "You're just jealous aren't you?"
Random woman: "...Well that's not the point"

That reminds me. A friend of mine once related to me the following anecdote:

I was walking through the mall with my friends and we were just talking about random shit when this lady out of nowhere says "Nigga, you need a haircut," and mid-sentence I turn to her and said "***** you need a diet" and just went back and kept talking like nothing happened.

I also remember one time some dude was getting in another one of my friend's face, and that friend, as the story goes, actually dropped a coherent insult that, with all the cuss words tossed in, took a minute or so to get through. The guy was apparently stunned and didn't reply.

 

[Epicspoon]

My only slightly witty insult is my response to random insults using the word gay.

"Being gay isn't a bad thing, so it's only an insult to me if you know I'm straight, or you're homophobic. Which one is it?"

For them, at best they have to admit their insult is defused. At worst, they have to insult themselves.

One time when I was called gay I deliberately admitted it (despite not actually being gay) by saying that the only way they would know that is if they had relations with me.

 

[ABLb0y]

It's funny, just yesterday in History we were talking about this...

Anyway:

"May you have a hundred houses, each with a hundred rooms, each with a hundred corners and may you be thrown from corner to corner."

"May you have a hundred relatives who give you nothing but socks for your birthday."

"May you live in interesting times."

"May your genitals fall off in your soup."

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of Elderberries."

"May the bluebird of happiness leave a surprise in your orange juice."

A cookie for anyone who gets where the last two are from.

 

[soes757]

"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of Elderberries."

"May the bluebird of happiness leave a surprise in your orange juice."

A cookie for anyone who gets where the last two are from.

Monty Python and M.A.S.H
I demand my cookie

Anyway, I normally just ask people if it's a good idea to start talking shit to me, then I follow it up with a rant about how they have fewer brain cells than a dead squirrel.

 

[C F]

I never use direct insults, but I'm quite fond of this:

"If proper wit were at all like sex, then what you are attempting to utter is akin to masturbation. It's just as well though, because I'm fairly certain your brain cell gets awfully lonely in there."