Do you answer why you turn someone down?

[Phasmal]

ah yes, because because getting to know someone before asking them out is a crime these days, ain't it?
how is that supposed to work?

how am I supposed to instantly decide wether I want to persue a relationship with someone the first moments I meet them, that is ridiculously shallow and insulting to both parties involved.

Speaking as a girl, the whole `Friend Zone` thing is complete and utter tripe.
Women aren't catagorizing machines, we don't automatically put you in the !Friend! category after a certain amount of time. Basically, people do make up their mind quickly whether they are attracted to a person or not, but friends can definately become more. Friend Zone is just what guys say when they either cant get the guts to ask someone out or they know they aren't interested and are making up a reason why.

 

[GrandmaFunk]

But yes, it's not any girl's responsibility to explain herself for not wanting to date you, it's probably that they simply don't fancy you.

it's not a matter of responsibility, just a simple courtesy.

and "i simply don't fancy you" is a perfectly acceptable response.

 

[GrandmaFunk]

Friend Zone is just what guys say when they either cant get the guts to ask someone out or they know they aren't interested and are making up a reason why.

Speaking as a guy, it's not something we make up.

ppl of both genders use the "I don't want to risk our friendship" excuse, most times it's bullshit but that's still the answer that's given.

 

[Phasmal]

Friend Zone is just what guys say when they either cant get the guts to ask someone out or they know they aren't interested and are making up a reason why.

Speaking as a guy, it's not something we make up.

ppl of both genders use the "I don't want to risk our friendship" excuse, most times it's bullshit but that's still the answer that's given.

Ah, I forgot to include that too.
Thats pretty much nice shorthand for `I dont fancy you, but I like you`.
I was more referring to the guys who dont actually make a move, but just whine about the friend zone.

 

[Eclectic Dreck]

Generally speaking, when I would get dumped, I was never at a loss for understanding why it happened. When I would get turned down, I never really thought about it. On the rare occassion I've dumped someone, I generally tell them why. In that latter case, however, I would point out that the why is often nebulous. The reason might be that I feel they are soul eroding. I generally just explain this as "We aren't compatible".

 

[Maladjusted]

Combustion Kevin,

I have to agree with all the people who've basically said: 'don't ask/it doesn't come across well/you wouldn't want to know the answers, even if there -were- answers -- which there mostly aren't...

I think that the main point is, that as several people have said, there just aren't completely rational reasons for attraction and its absence. As Spinozaad said, there can be rationalisations, but these aren't the same reasons. (Small point: Spinozaad said 'a posteriori' rationalisations, where I think he means 'ex post facto' rationalisations -- it's a minor distinction, however, and he's right in any case...) Put differently: there's something tautologous about love/attraction et cetera (i.e. I don't like this person because I like these aspects of their looks/personality, I like their various features because I like -them-.)

Now, you might object that there are often obvious things that people can list about a person that makes them likeable. And, sure, people can do things that often have the result of making them (in general) more attractive (e.g. working out/dressing well/gaining confidence et cetera). But the point is that there's always going to be an X factor, a je ne sais quo, that makes all the difference between whether someone likes someone 'in that way' or not. Think, for example, of the difference between some idealised vision of your 'perfect woman/man' and then of what the -actual- people you've fallen for have been like. The difference is that in vaguely masturbatory fantasy space, everything -can- be reduced to (to use RPG speak) a bunch of stats. "Must have hair like this/talk like this et cetera." But despite having these ideals, people often, in the real world go completely crazy over people who are completely different from the person's prior established ideal. And I'm not just saying that people 'settle', I'm saying that often people who will really drive them crazy will have something about them that doesn't fit into calculations but makes all the difference. It's for this reason, that I think asking for reasons for rejection or acceptance can come across as a bit...Aspergic...a bit like you can't accept that there's anything to love/romance that couldn't come down to the numbers. The reason that I think that this can also come across as a bit creepy, is it can make you sound a bit like someone who thinks that love/romance should follow some set of laws. The reason this can come across particularly badly is that it tends to be the sort of thing that stalkers say: i.e. 'damn it, I've got all the right (whatever)/we're made for each other/why don't you get it...." See what I mean?

 

[Loreley]

As a girl, I'm sort of on the same side as many posters here. I've used "I don't have time for a relationship, lots of work, blah" as a reason. You know, the whole, it's not you, it's me-thing? Usually, people know how to take that hint (I mean, you can sort of figure that is the person was in love, they'd make room for you in their work timetable, unless they're a month away from curing cancer or something). Of course, if that isn't enough, I do add something a little clearer. "I don't think we are a good match." Etc.

Most of the stuff that is the real reason isn't something the boy can (or should) change about himself, like his personality and interests, so I figure it's no use making him feel bad about it. So if you don't get a straight answer, maybe you really don't want to hear it...

 

[gazumped]

But yes, it's not any girl's responsibility to explain herself for not wanting to date you, it's probably that they simply don't fancy you.

it's not a matter of responsibility, just a simple courtesy.

and "i simply don't fancy you" is a perfectly acceptable response.

Well, I meant "they simply don't fancy you" as in "they simply don't want to go out with you", as in, there IS no reason past them just not wanting to.

Sometimes someone won't know why they don't fancy someone, they might even WANT to fancy someone because they know they'd make a good couple (my boyfriend's sister, for example, has a cute, nice guy friend who fancies her who is also a single parent who has the same tastes as her, she knows he'd be perfect for her but just isn't feeling it). I don't say it's not their responsibility because I think it's okay to be callous, but because sometimes a person doesn't know themselves why they don't want to go out with them, they just don't.

EDIT: I guess also what I mean by the 'not their responsibility' thing is that some people act like the person is being unreasonable or mean if they don't have a good 'reason' for not 'giving them a chance'. Like I said, I often get grilled by people who don't believe me when I say I have a boyfriend. Okay, it's not entirely nice to lie, but if I was lying what would them catching me out achieve? Then I'd just have to say "Okay, the truth is, I don't date random strangers who approach me in the street." If I've indicated I don't want to date a guy, why are they insisting that I explain myself as if I've done something wrong?

 

[Combustion Kevin]

snip

yeah, I see what you're getting at, in fact, I've seen that last bit happen with a friend of mine.

I just try to make sense of things for myself, when you see people whining about being asked out all the time to the point of trying to avoid it, while I myself can't seem to hold anyone's interest when trying my best...

you get the feeling you're doing something very wrong.

 

[Scorekeeper]

I once told a girl why I didn't want to be with her; I felt terrible afterward. Granted, I was as gentle as possible but I don't think I'd ever do anything like that again. So, don't ask why because you probably wouldn't take it as well as you think you would.

 

[Realitycrash]

Well, would you change your appearance in order to get someone you like? (or is it someone specific? Your post didn't seem to point to that, but I could be wrong). Appearance counts for a lot (more than it should, but that's why I asked if you were prepared to give something up), and after the physical attraction is done, people tend to start noticing the person behind it. Rarely is it the other way around.

well, I'm not going after anyone specific, not anymore anyway, and personally I think I look decent.
then again, being a straight man I'd make a poor judge of that.
I'm in decent shape being 1.82m tall and weighing 67.2 Kg (haven't checked that since...forever), I've been riding my bike anywhere I go since I was nine (I live 16 Km away from the civilised world) so my physique can't really be the issue, can it?
although I think you may have a point:

I am born with a blind eye, and it looks derpy as hell, so I wear an eye-patch to cover it up.
when I smile I look like an idiot, and all in all my face is not a great marvel to behold, honestly.
I grow my hair long too, but I like it that way.

I can't judge on how you look, as what attracts people are very subjective (though there are universal indicators, and no, I don't think it's your physique), but I was just trying to make a point. A rather sad, but true point: You said you liked your hair. I have long hair too, and it works for me, but how much of "you" would you give up in order to get someone? Because if you find a certain crowd of people you like, and they have a style that you don't openly despise, trying to adjust yourself to it might work. Or, in general, adapting yourself to what others might like, if you believe you can live with it.
Being yourself is paramount, but sometimes, making small sacrifises in order to "fit in" is something one have to live with.
Or not. It's all dependant on hopw desperate a person is to find someone. In either way, I can guarantee that you will find someone, no matter what. Noone is ever going to have a 100% rejection-rate.

(And oh, try meeting people online. It's really quite more of a focus on shared interests and humor. It rocks)

 

[Rusman]

Personally I'd prefer it if girlfriends/potential girlfriends came straight out and told me. With no beating around the bush "Waa I just need some time apart" or "It's not you, it's me" just come out and say you've found someone better, jeez!

Saying that I'm probably guilty of it a few times myself, I try and be straight up with people I am breaking up with. But it can be a bit harsh to come out with "I'm bored and I'm not sure if I'll ever love you so I'd rather not waste your time"... Still, sometimes the truth hurts. But that ain't necessarily a bad thing.

 

[Hosker]

This has never been a problem for me (yay?), but I think it's better not to know because it is going to be one of two things - something you can't change about yourself, which can't be helped, or something which can be changed, which may end up with you changing and being
insincere.

If it is something physical that can be changed, I don't think it would warrant breaking up with someone.

 

[zumbledum]

Well thats your problem and why they dont have a good answer. Now ladies speak up if im being unfair here but a man basically has the first 10 seconds to make an impression then about half an hour to follow up on that any longer and hes going to get friend zoned if liked or avoided if not.


reason? who cares its not going to help anyone the answer is simply a case of compatibility or perceived compatibility and its neither a fault nor anything you can fix so just forget it

ah yes, because because getting to know someone before asking them out is a crime these days, ain't it?
how is that supposed to work?

how am I supposed to instantly decide wether I want to persue a relationship with someone the first moments I meet them, that is ridiculously shallow and insulting to both parties involved.

your not supposed to instantly decide if they are marriage material, just if they are attractive, finding out if you can even stand them comes later, on for example the first date. its easy if your over average intelligence as i suspect you are to get too cerebral bear in mind there's a chemical component to all this we share with all other mammals it is shallow it is crude but its also normal.

ok you want to go the other way and get to know them first, i get it i do, i was the same and i had a near 10 year constant refusal and rejection rate, you are only at 5 years .. so far .

you don't have to be sleazy or a douche bag you don't have to come on strong, simply project an interest that goes beyond friendship. from the very first moment onwards you are building a relationship your either a potential mate or your not . now if you find you don't get on in that way you can default back to friendship and that can be as fast as the first flirty innuendo going over wrong . but you already have a fair amount of experience at taking a friend relationship and trading up goes.
not saying it doesn't happen but we both have life experience to say its rare.

 

[ObsidianJones_v1legacy]

I'm one of those ugly ducklings. That no one would have touched with a 10 km pole before but now I've garnered some interest. Knowing how it feels to have your heart be pushed aside with code and understood brush offs, when the event occurs that a woman has interest in me and I have none in her, I sit down and I talk to her about it. I make it clear that in no means do I want to make this a regular event, because constantly having to go over this does wear on someone's psyche. So I want to get everything out in the open.

Sometimes it gets uncomfortable. Sometimes, I've lost friendships because she couldn't deal with just being friends. And you know what? that's fine. I think it's selfish to ask someone to lose their feelings for you and act like everything is ok because you don't feel the same way. But if someone generated feelings enough that she must speak on them, I can do nothing less but give her the common courtesy to express those feelings and have a clear-cut answer from me.

I don't take pleasure in it. In fact, I kind of hate doing it because I remembered being on the opposite side and swearing I'd give everyone a chance. But those were the rantings of a sad little boy who didn't want to be hurt any more. Now I'm a man. And sometimes being a man or woman calls for unpleasant things.

Ah, I forgot to include that too.
Thats pretty much nice shorthand for `I dont fancy you, but I like you`.
I was more referring to the guys who dont actually make a move, but just whine about the friend zone.

The Obsidian of yesteryear would probably have his claws and teeth ready to go with some of the wording. The Obsidian now finds it amusing. But glossing over the use of 'whine', i think people don't make a move because so many people rather use code than actual feelings. I mean, a good deal of the posters here spoke of their tactics to brush a person off instead of getting down and dirty into some truth.

The fact is, people know when others start to have feelings for them. And instead of talking to the person, most cop out and start to drop the 'Oh, you're such a good FRIEND' thing in efforts of trying to keep things from getting messy. So, I don't see it so much as people 'whining' without making a move. I think we all just get it and those preemptively rejected now have to deal with their feelings when they didn't even get to give it a shot.