Dumbest Things Customers Have Said

[kcarl2a]

I was once approached by a woman, wearing a toga, with a shaved head, holding a bag of artichoke hearts-you know the vegetables, who then asked me, "Were any animals harmed in the making of this product."

"Yep, we only use the finest ground up puppies and kittens as fertilizer."

I was fired that day.

 

[thelonewolf266]

I don't have any of my own to add, but I know a place that does.

http://notalwaysright.com/

They've collected THOUSANDS of customer service stories. Warning, that site can swallow days of your life, and you'll despair for the future of humanity, and probably laugh a LOT too.

Thanks man i've been reading these for the past hour I have even less of a life than I did before and that is an achievement.

 

[Mauso88]

I work in a pub and for me, it's not what they do say, it's what they don't say, as in anything at all. Some customers are content to stand perfectly still and quiet and just stare at you instead of asking for service. They then complain that no one is serving them.

When a customer has the tiniest bit of drink in their glass, you pick up the glass to check only to have the customer freak out believing that your taking their drink.

When customers complain they can't get any service when there is somewhere around 100 people stood at the bar.

When you take food out to a customers table and you clearly speak out loud the meals you have only for the group at the table to either :-
A) Ignore you
B) Stare at each other blankly forgetting which meals they have ordered.

These are just a few, but there are others and this is just a pub, not a restaurant.

 

[vxicepickxv]

I was once approached by a woman, wearing a toga, with a shaved head, holding a bag of artichoke hearts-you know the vegetables, who then asked me, "Were any animals harmed in the making of this product."

"Yep, we only use the finest ground up puppies and kittens as fertilizer."

I was fired that day.

If I end up calling a former employer as a reference, and that's the story as to why you got fired, if you're not working in a customer support field, I wouldn't hold something like that against you.

 

[kcarl2a]

I was once approached by a woman, wearing a toga, with a shaved head, holding a bag of artichoke hearts-you know the vegetables, who then asked me, "Were any animals harmed in the making of this product."

"Yep, we only use the finest ground up puppies and kittens as fertilizer."

I was fired that day.

If I end up calling a former employer as a reference, and that's the story as to why you got fired, if you're not working in a customer support field, I wouldn't hold something like that against you.

Actually, I was a janitor and I wasn't really fired. Just thought it made for a funny embelishment.

 

[DuctTapeJedi]

This is more of a way I got some fun in after dealing with stupid people all day, but when I worked in retail I always did the closing announcements.

"Attention [store] customers: The time is now 8:45, we will be releasing the hounds in fifteen minutes. Please bring all purchases to the front registers, as they haven't eaten all day, and we've had an associate in the back poking them with a stick for the past half hour. Thank you and have a nice evening."

""Attention [store] customers: The time is now 9:15. We have been closed. Please bring all final purchases to the registers as, believe it or not, some of our employees have lives outside of work. Not me personally, of course, but statistics say somewhere in here has to. Thank you and have a nice evening."

"...Please bring all final purchases to the registers before I lose what remains of my ever fleeting grip on reality and run screaming into the night."

I always made sure to say them in a really fast/game show announcer voice for added effect.

 

[HydraZulu]

I'd like to re-post my very first post on the Escapist. This was several years ago, so comments from the me in the present (2011) will be in bold:

*snip*

A stupid costumer story of my own is coming up, but first an explanation of what I do:
I volunteer for a group that goes around to various places (schools, events, etc.) and show reptiles and amphibians, teaching the public about them, and letting them pet them. I am one of the snake people. We sit, holding snakes, and answer questions, and allow people to pet the snakes. My job wouldn't exist if the general population had the accumulated IQ of anything smarter than a grapefruit. My primary snake that I work with, and bring to places, is my personal pet Ball Python. She is about 2 feet long, and very laid back. I still do this, and Miri (my Ball Python) is now just over 4 feet long.

Here is an answer sheet, covering the most common questions and comments that I have to deal with:

-Yes it's real. I don't spend over 200 hours a year, VOLUNTEER, going around to places, and dealing with THESE sorts of people, with a fake snake. My life may be pathetic, but even I have better ways to kill time before my end. In case you were wondering, my life has gotten significantly less pathetic since this post.

-No, it's not poisonous. I would not be owning it, holding it, bringing it to highly populated places with no barriers between it and the population, or letting people pet it, if it was. Legally, no venomous snake can be displayed without being in a cage with a visible lock on it.

-No, this, a Ball PYTHON, is not poisonous. Which rock do you live under, again? I hope it's warm there.

-Yes, it does bite. CONSTANTLY. Can't you tell, by how it's just sitting there, sleeping (viciously)?

-Yes, it CAN bite. It has a mouth. I'm more likely to bite you than she is though (especially considering how my respect for the patron is spiraling down towards the ground at terminal velocity, by now, and my practically infallible temper is beginning to flare.). Since this was typed, my temper and patience has been tested an innumerable amount of times in a constant hellish trial-by-fire, and I'm happy to report that I cannot be pissed off.

-No, I'm not concerned about her eating me. (Keep in mind we're talking about a 2 foot 4 and 1/4 inch long snake, that is just over an inch thick.) Stupidest question relating to this point (Wasn't asked to me, but a friend): "Has that snake ever eaten you before"...Seriously.

-No, the 2 foot long snake cannot kill you from 30 feet away. There's no reason to stand that far away, especially since you just plowed through 5 people running away after you spotted me. The table between where I'm sitting, and where you are is longer than the snake itself. You could stand as close as you possibly could, and you'd still be safe. Happy to report that, after 3 years, this is just as funny as ever.

-No, it's not slimy. If it was, I would be soaking wet. Ugh.

-(At the Renaissance Festival) (Usually exclaimed from women, but i've heard variations from both genders) KEEP THAT FILTHY THING AWAY FROM ME! (S/he obviously doesn't see the humor in his/her statement, let alone the fact that I washed my hands more times in the past few hours than you have in the past 2 days, simply because it's the RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL.) If you work at the Renaissance Festival by where I live, and you're wearing a white shirt, by the end of the day it'll be brown. Nobody knows how this is done, but considering it's the Ren Fest, I suspect wizardry.

Keep in mind that as I'm writing this, the vicious Ball Python mentioned is curled around my neck, dozing (viciously). She still makes a great necklace.

So there you go. My job 1.)Relies on people being stupid, 2.)Requires me to spend hours and hours talking to said stupids, and 3.)Is something that I don't even get paid for. I do it because I want to educate people, reducing the number of stupids in the world.

There are parts that I really enjoy though. Convincing somebody who is deathly afraid of snakes to come up and pet one, then talk with them for about 10 minutes, and watch as they walk away with a smile on their face, is something that makes this job worth it. There's always the intelligent people (Usually 1 or 2 a day), that are actually fun to talk to. Talking with them is an absolute joy. There are also the people, while not particularly intelligent, are not stupid either. The thing that makes them not stupid is the fact that they ask real questions, some of which actually challenge me. It's a nice brain exercise, and the only thing stopping my mind from atrophying (sp?) (Nope, I got it right. Guess I'm just awesome.) away from lack of use (thanks to automated responses, and general autopilot, brought on from lack of sleep).

Apologies for the poorly formatted post. I pretty much just wrote things down as they spewed forth from my demented, twisted mind. You'll be pleased to know that my mind is just as twisted and demented as ever. Actually even more so. Practice makes perfect.

I don't have any of my own to add, but I know a place that does.

http://notalwaysright.com/

They've collected THOUSANDS of customer service stories. Warning, that site can swallow days of your life, and you'll despair for the future of humanity, and probably laugh a LOT too.

I don't trust that site. I see too many old "folk legends of customer service" being repeated on there. Call me cynical, but I think maybe 70% of the stories on that site are made up.

Here's another one: "Please put all the cold stuff together"

It's idiotic, because that's what we're supposed to do. It's in our bloody orientation video. That's like asking a cashier to "please accept my payment of my valid cash" or something. >___>

I put all of my cold items on the belt together - I have to imagine it makes it easier for the cashier and it minimizes the chances of a screw up.

Reminds me of something that happened a while ago. You know that chocolate "shell" stuff, you can put on ice-cream, that hardens when it gets cold? We had to yell "no!" because the guy was gonna put that shell stuff in with the ice-cream...Scared the hell out of him, but we didn't want that stuff ruined.

 

[ace_of_something]

This conversation occurred while I worked as a guard in a jail

Jailbird: "Excuse me ummm excuse me officer A?"
Me: "Yes?"
"What is the ummm... in this state is ummm murder a felony?"
"Murder?"
"yes"
"Well, umm Mr.Buddy, it's a CAPITAL offense in this state"
"What's that is that a misdemeanor?"
"No, a capital offense means you can get life in prison or the death penalty"
"They don't have capital offenses in Florida, I think it's a felony there"
"You're not in Florida here that's a death penalty or life in prison, no other options."
"Oh... even if it's a baby?"
"Yes, even if it's a baby"
"oh"
He then sat down and began working thru a book of crossword puzzles. I secretly believe he just wrote 'AAAAAA' for all the answers.

 

[Caligulove]

I worked at a coffee shop during high school, customer literally came in and asked if we served coffee...

I'd like to think he was some kind of aspiring actor, con artist or possibly police informant trying out his poker face to practice being able to deny the obvious or make his ignorance seem legitimate. But its probably more likely he was just an idiot who didnt read our sign.

 

[Commissar Sae]

I work at staples, one of the most surreal questions i was asked was "Where can I find this?" As the customer points to the article on the shelf. My answer was to blink for a second or two before saying. "Right there." Strangely he then thanked me, took the item and left.

 

[Klarinette]

My brother and his girlfriend went to an Orange Julius. Because of the gay version of Powerthirst, my brother now thinks "Penis-a-lota" every time he sees/hears Pina Colada. Anyway, with that thought in mind, he orders his Blizzard (Orange Julius is now teamed with Dairy Queen in pretty much all the malls, which is awesome) and promptly orders his girlfriend a Penis A-Lota slush thing.

He immediately realized what he said, but there was no going back. Apparently, the girl at the register excused herself and could be heard laughing her ass off from the back.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

OK, I already posted this story in a previous thread, whereupon that thread died almost immediately. So, here it is again:

I worked at a video store for a couple of years. There were numerous incidents, but my favorite story has to be this one:

It was an unusually busy day (Like, SEVEN PEOPLE in the shop AT THE SAME TIME!) Among those present were a family consisting of two parents and three kids of various ages. This was during the earliest days of the Pokemon craze, and earlier that very morning, we had recieved some strange merchandise: A box of weird, red/white plastic balls with some candy and a cheapo Pokemon figure inside. POKEBALLS!

Almost immediately, the youngest of the kids - a boy about 8 or 10 years old - spotted the box of Pokeballs sitting on the desk right next to me, and eagerly asked his dad to buy him one. The dad looked at the Pokeballs and asked me what they were. I gave him a quick explaination, and he told the kid that he was NOT about to fork over 29 kroner (equal, at the time, to about four or five American dollars) for that kind of junk.

Now, needless to say, when a family of five try to decide on a movie, things take TIME. They must have been browsing the shop for about an hour before they were ready to check out.

And guess what: The kid was nagging his dad about the Pokeballs the WHOLE TIME.
By the animation shelf: "Dad, can I have a Pokeball?" ("No.")
By the action shelf: "Can I PLEASE have a Pokeball?" ("No!")
By the New Arrivals shelf: "Pleeeeeeeeease can I have a Pokeball?" ("NO!")
In the checkout line (the kid's face an INCH away from the Big Box o' Balls!): "PokeballPokeballPokeballPokeballPokeball?" ("Shut UP!")
Heading out the door: "POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!"

And off they went. Then, about half an hour later, the dad came back, muttered something about peace and quiet - and picked up a Pokeball. Remembering that he had THREE kids, I suggested that he buy three Pokeballs while he was at it. "No way", he replied, "one overpriced piece of junk is enough!" Then he paid for his Pokeball and left.

Yeah.

Fifteen minutes passed.

Then the dad came back again.

And bought two more Pokeballs.

I tried my very best to keep from laughing my ass off until he had shut the door behind him. To my credit, I very nearly succeeded.

That is absolutely hilarious.

 

[Spade Lead]

Reminds me of something that happened a while ago. You know that chocolate "shell" stuff, you can put on ice-cream, that hardens when it gets cold? We had to yell "no!" because the guy was gonna put that shell stuff in with the ice-cream...Scared the hell out of him, but we didn't want that stuff ruined.

You do realize that if it sits at room temperature long enough, it melts again, right? I do it all the time...

 

[A Weary Exile]

Not particularly bad but still strange. I work at a Pizza Hut/food court thing at Target where we make these little mini pizzas.

"What kinda of Pizza do you have?"
"Cheese and Pepperoni."
"Does the Pepperoni have cheese on it?"

o_o

Doesn't all Pizza have cheese? I've never seen a Pizza that didn't have cheese.

 

[HydraZulu]

Reminds me of something that happened a while ago. You know that chocolate "shell" stuff, you can put on ice-cream, that hardens when it gets cold? We had to yell "no!" because the guy was gonna put that shell stuff in with the ice-cream...Scared the hell out of him, but we didn't want that stuff ruined.

You do realize that if it sits at room temperature long enough, it melts again, right? I do it all the time...

Ours never lasted long enough for us to realize that >.>

 

[Beautiful End]

I work at Gamestop and I have to deal with some weird customers everyday. It's not about what they say but what they do.
There was this kid who wanted to buy a game rated M and he was CLEARLY no older than 12. He tried to tell me his mom was fine with it but I obviously said he can't buy it anyway. So he stares at me and leave. He comes back later with a friend that looks no older than 15 and he claims he's his brother. So I ask him to show me some ID (To verify the age; I don't care if they're related or not) and he says he lost his wallet. Out of all the excuses you could come up with! So then they leave and come back and they say they have their mom on the phone and she's giving her approval. Just for kicks, I talk to the "mom" and I tell her that she needed to be there anyway (The Mom sounded like she was 15 too). Seriously, it's like kids forget I was once a kid too.

Another time, we had a buy two used games and you get the third one for free sale. This man walks up to me and shows me a receipt and a two new (But opened) games. I'm trying to figure out what he wants because he's not saying a word, so I finally ask. He says he wants to return the games and buy them again so he can get one for free. Normally, that would be perfectly fine but his games are new and he would need the THIRD one that he would get for free. So I'm trying to explain that to him, pointing to the signs all over the store that say that, but he keeps interrupting me rudely and telling me to do my job. So I keep trying to explain it to him and he suddenly tells me to shut up and do as he says. So I just stop and return his games. The manager sees this and tells the guy the EXACT same thing, to which the guy gets angry, yells in the middle of the store and leaves. It was X-mas time too, by the way.

Guy walks in and tells me his game was defective and wants a new one. I said that's fine and I ask him to show me the defective copy. He shows me a game that's half broken and with tire skids on it. I'm still wondering how.

A guy tells me his downloadable code for LA Noire is not working. So I tell him that it's obvious because the PS Store is still down. He looks at me as if I'm trying to rip him off. So I explain to him that he will be able to use the code once the PS Store opens and he asks me how long would it take to which I reply I don't know for sure since I don't work at Sony. He looks at me angrily as if I had just stolen his wallet. I explain that he STILL got the game and that he will STILL get the DLC as soon as Sony decides to open the store but that's not up to us anymore. After 10 minutes, he leaves the store hesitantly but not before saying he will check constantly with us to see when the store opens. The poor man never understand it's not up to ME or the store to decide when the PS store will re-open.

"Oh, well this game is cheaper at this other store!" and they stare at me angrily for a while. What do you want me to do? Call the president of Gamestop and yell at him? I'm just an employee; I don't make the prices!

"Yeah, so I bought this game brand new and it sucked so I want my money back" and the game is all smeared and scartched. Yeah, and I'm supposed to sell it again to someone else as...used? Or broken? So I guess when you buy a car and you don't like it, you can just bring it back and they'll refund you your money, huh?

There's the people who have also asked me for games such as African Warrior (Afro Samurai) and Da Vile mine cree (Devl May cry, badly pronounced.

*On the phone* "Excuse me, do you sell games?" "Yes" "Ok, thank you. *Hangs up*"


People at my past job (Yogurt stand):
"Do you sell hot dogs?"
"Can I have some chocolate chips ice cream?"
"Can you make my yogurt like they do at that other place?"
*Looks at menu for like half an hour* "Okay, I think I'll have a soda" (We don't sell soda)
Or...
"Oh, I don't know what I want! Quick, give me anything!"
Or...
"Why is it so expensive? (I point at the menu and they finally understand)
"I didn't like my yogurt. I demand a refund" (Nothing wrong with it, they just didn't like it. To what I reply "So when you buy a Grilled chicken expecting it to taste like Friend chicken and it doesn't do you also demand a refund?)

Also, small anecdote. There was a guy who was buying two cups of frozen yogurt. His kid asked for a cherry at the top of her yogurt and the guy told me (Very rudely) to add one. I told him I would have to charge a topping, which is 5 or 6 cherries. he demanded to get only one and I said I couldn't. Yeah, at this point I was being a jerk, but hey, he started it! And truly, I'm not supposed to do that anyway. So he started yelling and saying he would take his money elsewhere and I was gonna lose a sale and a customer if I didn't do as he said, screw the rules. To what I replied "Have a nice day" and he left.

And finally and perhaps the saddest/funny one:

An old man stops by:

"Do you have coffee?"
"No, sir"
The man leaves and comes back 5 minutes later.
"Can I have some coffee?"
"Uhh...we don't have any"
The man leaves again and comes back later.
"I would like some coffee"
*Tries not to laugh* "Sir, I believe you can find some coffee at Target *Points at Target only a couple of feet away* (We were all inside a mall).
The man leaves and comes back 5 minutes later. The manager notices something's wrong so she takes care of the man.
"Can I have some coffee?"
"Sir, we don't have coffee. Would you like a smoothie?"
Man mumbles and leaves only to come back 5 minutes later.
"Do you have some coffee?"
At this point, I started laughing and the manager looked worries; she didn't know if it was a joke or if something was wrong. Then a younger lady walked by, apologized and took the old man by the arm. "Come on, we're going to Target to get you some coffee"

 

[Spade Lead]

Reminds me of something that happened a while ago. You know that chocolate "shell" stuff, you can put on ice-cream, that hardens when it gets cold? We had to yell "no!" because the guy was gonna put that shell stuff in with the ice-cream...Scared the hell out of him, but we didn't want that stuff ruined.

You do realize that if it sits at room temperature long enough, it melts again, right? I do it all the time...

Ours never lasted long enough for us to realize that >.>

I only bought two things from Wal-mart, shell and chocolate ice cream. I had them use one bag to save on bags. When I got home, I realized I needed it right then. I ran hot water over it for five minutes then ate my ice cream. That is how I roll.

 

[ForensicYOYO]

I work at BlockBuster and a man walks up and I say "Hi How are you?" Man replies " How did you know I was high?" I reply " I said Hi how are you? Not are you high?" Man replies " O, I thought you were a mind reader or something." What a Dumbass lol

Also if anyone is interested to hear the story, My store had The Most Epic Fail theft by two fat black ladies who ended up getting caught because they locked their keys in the car With A BABY! Message me to hear the whole thing.

 

[Voxgizer]

I used to work at Gamestop (please don't hit me, I suffered at their hands enough), and some of the things I heard absolutely made me wonder how people handled a control.

A very common one "Do you have Mario for XBox/Playstation?" "I...what? No."

It was common place for people to ask for Nintendo games or accessories for other consoles. I can understand not knowing, that's perfectly fine, no problem, but stop doing it every time you walk in my store and I tell you it's not now, nor will it ever be, on that console.