Florida cops Taser naked burglar who pooped and masturbated when homeowner pulled a gun

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Toaster Hunter

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Jun 10, 2009
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There aren't words in the English language to describe what I just read. Just...yeah.

Also, that is probably the single best title ever in the history of all time.
 

Rawne1980

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Jul 29, 2011
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As Bruni was allegedly headed to where guns were stored in the son's bedroom
Throughout all the giggling I did at that article all that kept popping up in my head is "son, today you are a man ... guard the guns".
 

Subscriptism

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May 5, 2012
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If there's one thing that will make someone think twice about shooting you, it's jacking it while looking them in the eye, shitting on the floor and trying to eat the contents of a hoover.
 

Adam Locking

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Aug 10, 2012
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I'm reminded of the stand-up show 'Rhod Gilbert and The Cat That Looked Like Nicholas Lyndhurst'. One scene explains how to fight off armed assailants by shitting yourself and sporting an erection, and another scene tells of his adventures with a wet-and-dry hoover. All it needs now is the Dalai Lama strugling with a washing machine and the aforementioned cat, and this man would have had the full show performed in his living room!
 

positiveParadox

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Sep 1, 2012
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Huehuehueh.... Today is Gasparilla and you are complaining about THIS? The city of Tampa hosts this pirate festival centered around beads and alcohol. SO MUCH ALCOHOL. I guarantee 10 times worse than one crazy pooping and masturbating will be happening today in Tampa.
 

TheNaut131

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Jul 6, 2011
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What?! I mean, What?!?!


Oh my God, I can't breath! It's like one of those threads you find on 4chan.
 

Atmos Duality

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Mar 3, 2010
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Just another day in Florida.
I suspect bath salts were involved, though the article doesn't mention if he was on any drugs.
 

adamsaccount

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Jan 3, 2013
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barbzilla said:
In before the "'Murica" crap starts...

As for Florida, I don't know what is going on. All three people in my house right now were born and raised in Florida. We all have IQs above 140 (with my friend at a whopping 183), on the other hand, I am sure the cumulative IQ in my neighbors house (also 3 people) is lower than just my friend's IQ. It seems that we have a large number of extreme intelligence cases in Florida (one way or the other) with few in between.

To everyone calling out bath salts for the cause, I highly doubt it. I have three main reasons this one isn't likely to be caused by it (same thing with all the previous cases where they cited bath salts as the cause).

-Bath salts work in the same way that drugs like cocaine work. They are stimulants that are likely to make you hyper active, lose the desire to eat, lose the desire to sleep, and you have a strong desire to re-dose (because of the euphoria related to stimulants). Bath salts have not shown any proof of strong hallucinations other than anecdotal evidence of hallucinations caused by lack of sleep.

-Bath salts are not currently able to be tested for as there is no official bath salts recipe. There are multiple chemicals that they use to produce different types of "bath salts" that all produce similar effects. The patients who where given drug tests at the hospitals use the typical 7 drug screening that the police do. It tests for the 7 commonly abused drugs and that is it. Without knowing what to look for in the blood we can't find it.

-Bath salts have a very short half life. All of the reports of crazy stuff happening linked to bath salts are extremely gone on something that has a very long half life (8+ hours from reports). (half life being the amount of time that you feel the effects of the drug in your system, not the amount of time that the physical drug is in your system. For example pot has a half life of 4-6 hours, but stays in your urine for up to a month [usually less] and in your blood for up to 3 months.)

That isn't to say these people weren't taking bath salts. I believe they were actually taking them, as they admitted to taking them. I have a feeling it is from a drug interaction with something already in their systems. Perhaps a prescription they were all on or a disease they had. The media however doesn't want to report all the facts. The media in America likes to only tell us the parts that they can sensationalize and make money off of, and that is the real problem in America right now. More so than the people.

OT: I would love to have heard the police dispatcher trying to tell the deputy what he was in for.

Dispatcher: Okay we have a 211 with a possible... um... whats the code for fetal position masturbation and uh.... I think he took a crap on the carpet.

Deputy: Um... I am supposed to be putting down a dog or stopping a robbery?

Dispatcher: I'm not sure, maybe both?
I read an article on cracked about hotter climates being related to crazy behaviour, that might be the explanation of the weird shit that happens in florida.
 

barbzilla

He who speaks words from mouth!
Dec 6, 2010
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adamsaccount said:
barbzilla said:
In before the "'Murica" crap starts...

As for Florida, I don't know what is going on. All three people in my house right now were born and raised in Florida. We all have IQs above 140 (with my friend at a whopping 183), on the other hand, I am sure the cumulative IQ in my neighbors house (also 3 people) is lower than just my friend's IQ. It seems that we have a large number of extreme intelligence cases in Florida (one way or the other) with few in between.

To everyone calling out bath salts for the cause, I highly doubt it. I have three main reasons this one isn't likely to be caused by it (same thing with all the previous cases where they cited bath salts as the cause).

-Bath salts work in the same way that drugs like cocaine work. They are stimulants that are likely to make you hyper active, lose the desire to eat, lose the desire to sleep, and you have a strong desire to re-dose (because of the euphoria related to stimulants). Bath salts have not shown any proof of strong hallucinations other than anecdotal evidence of hallucinations caused by lack of sleep.

-Bath salts are not currently able to be tested for as there is no official bath salts recipe. There are multiple chemicals that they use to produce different types of "bath salts" that all produce similar effects. The patients who where given drug tests at the hospitals use the typical 7 drug screening that the police do. It tests for the 7 commonly abused drugs and that is it. Without knowing what to look for in the blood we can't find it.

-Bath salts have a very short half life. All of the reports of crazy stuff happening linked to bath salts are extremely gone on something that has a very long half life (8+ hours from reports). (half life being the amount of time that you feel the effects of the drug in your system, not the amount of time that the physical drug is in your system. For example pot has a half life of 4-6 hours, but stays in your urine for up to a month [usually less] and in your blood for up to 3 months.)

That isn't to say these people weren't taking bath salts. I believe they were actually taking them, as they admitted to taking them. I have a feeling it is from a drug interaction with something already in their systems. Perhaps a prescription they were all on or a disease they had. The media however doesn't want to report all the facts. The media in America likes to only tell us the parts that they can sensationalize and make money off of, and that is the real problem in America right now. More so than the people.

OT: I would love to have heard the police dispatcher trying to tell the deputy what he was in for.

Dispatcher: Okay we have a 211 with a possible... um... whats the code for fetal position masturbation and uh.... I think he took a crap on the carpet.

Deputy: Um... I am supposed to be putting down a dog or stopping a robbery?

Dispatcher: I'm not sure, maybe both?
I read an article on cracked about hotter climates being related to crazy behaviour, that might be the explanation of the weird shit that happens in florida.
Quite possible. I can't stand the Florida heat myself, but I can't complain because I met my fiance here.
 

wrightguy0

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Dec 8, 2010
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Florida, why does the most tropical state in the US have to be one of the most batshit insane ones? -_-
 

Neonbob

The Noble Nuker
Dec 22, 2008
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First thought:
Damn. That is the best title I've seen in quite a long time.
My second thought is that I wish someone had caught that shit on video. Now THAT would be perfect.
But hey, at least the family got an interesting(if somewhat terrifying) story to tell everyone.
Also! Best reaction to being shot at EVER.
 

Darthbawls77

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May 18, 2011
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shrekfan246 said:


I wonder what's in the water down there aside from swamp scum.

There's gotta be something.

You don't hear crazy stories like this coming from Vermont. (I hope, at least.)
This right here sums up this whole story! lol o man I didnt think I could laugh harder after reading that ridonkulous story but you proved me wrong thank you good sir or madam.
 

thiosk

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Sep 18, 2008
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At first I wanted some of what this guy was smoking. I then realized he was from florida, which means its:

no thank you.
 

saintdane05

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Aug 2, 2011
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The reason Florida gets all the press is because all the tabloids are there. A lot of talented writers (Dave Barry, Carl Hiaasen) work for newspapers in Florida, which is perhaps why so much is known about the state's quirks. The state has a number of excellent newspapers, largely the result of its strong sunshine (read: transparency in government) laws.
 

Coffeejack

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Oct 1, 2012
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Excellent. Shame it wasn't in Miami, but good on that man for...well, I'm not really sure what to say...living the dream?