Have you ever dated someone just to not be single?

[BloatedGuppy]

I'm currently contemplating doing what the title implies. I went through a pretty nasty breakup a while back. It was mostly extrinsic circumstances that forced us apart. I'd gotten used to being single, but I met a girl. Well, we've known each other for a while, but only recently started being friends. I'm not madly head over heels for her, but I know if I asked her out she'd say yes. She's nice, fairly smart and has it together; she's not burdened with the standard level of immaturity that most people my age tend to be. While not unattractive, she's not really my type, but I've always thought I could look past that in a person (despite being a naturally superficial individual myself).

Point is, she's not a bad person to date. This isn't a rebound, I've already weighed the pros and cons and I'm looking at this pretty objectively. I know if I don't ask her out soon then the window to do so will probably close. I'm on the fence. I'm not out to use her, but every other girl I've dated has been because I really liked them. This feels manipulative and selfish since the natural feelings that go alone with dating aren't really there (even though personal attraction is really a selfish thing anyway). Has anyone else been in this position? Has it gone well? Poorly?

While it doesn't sound like you think a whole lot of this girl, which usually isn't rich soil in which to grow extraordinary relationships that stand the test of time, there is absolutely no reason why every single person you date needs to be an audition for "the one". First because there is no "one", and second because most of your relationships are going to fail spectacularly anyway so it's nice to have a little forewarning.

Just be honest with her that it's casual. That's all you need to do. Assuming she's old enough to understand what that means, and the ramifications of it. And assuming YOU'RE old enough to know what that means, and the ramifications of it, while we're on the subject.

 

[axlryder]

I'm currently contemplating doing what the title implies. I went through a pretty nasty breakup a while back. It was mostly extrinsic circumstances that forced us apart. I'd gotten used to being single, but I met a girl. Well, we've known each other for a while, but only recently started being friends. I'm not madly head over heels for her, but I know if I asked her out she'd say yes. She's nice, fairly smart and has it together; she's not burdened with the standard level of immaturity that most people my age tend to be. While not unattractive, she's not really my type, but I've always thought I could look past that in a person (despite being a naturally superficial individual myself).

Point is, she's not a bad person to date. This isn't a rebound, I've already weighed the pros and cons and I'm looking at this pretty objectively. I know if I don't ask her out soon then the window to do so will probably close. I'm on the fence. I'm not out to use her, but every other girl I've dated has been because I really liked them. This feels manipulative and selfish since the natural feelings that go alone with dating aren't really there (even though personal attraction is really a selfish thing anyway). Has anyone else been in this position? Has it gone well? Poorly?

While it doesn't sound like you think a whole lot of this girl, which usually isn't rich soil in which to grow extraordinary relationships that stand the test of time, there is absolutely no reason why every single person you date needs to be an audition for "the one". First because there is no "one", and second because most of your relationships are going to fail spectacularly anyway so it's nice to have a little forewarning.

Just be honest with her that it's casual. That's all you need to do. Assuming she's old enough to understand what that means, and the ramifications of it. And assuming YOU'RE old enough to know what that means, and the ramifications of it, while we're on the subject.

The personal ramifications are what you make them, barring any actual tangible repercussions of your actions. That said, no one can fully know what the ramifications will be, given the variables that are impossible to predict. So no, I don't actually know what the ramifications are, but neither does anyone else. Casual dating is just a label like any other, it doesn't define the outcome any more than FWB or marriage. I wouldn't verbally call it that, because I think that puts unnecessarily negative preconceptions in some peoples minds (i.e. I just want to fuck you). I'd just say maybe we could date and see where it goes. Also, I think highly enough of her as a person, and I'd take care to try and not hurt her. I'm certainly a lot better than those possessive, jittery assholes that seem all too common, regardless of my feelings. Hope that addresses your inquiry. Thanks for the input.

 

[axlryder]

Seems like a bit of a dick move.
I'd just stay friends unless you're willing to commit.

Doesn't work out. There's this thing called the friend zone (or whatever you want to call it). I've been put in it a few times, generally when I'm indecisive and such. Also, "commit" is a vague and silly term in this context. Most people who date girls because they fancy them don't even know the first thing about commitment, let alone how to support someone else or themselves in a relationship.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

The personal ramifications are what you make them, barring any actual tangible repercussions of your actions. That said, no one can fully know what the ramifications will be, given the variables that are impossible to predict. So no, I don't actually know what the ramifications are, but neither does anyone else. Casual dating is just a label like any other, it doesn't define the outcome any more than FWB or marriage. I wouldn't verbally call it that, because I think that puts unnecessarily negative preconceptions in some peoples minds (i.e. I just want to fuck you). I'd just say maybe we could date and see where it goes. Also, I think highly enough of her as a person, and I'd take care to try and not hurt her. I'm certainly a lot better than those possessive, jittery assholes that seem all too common, regardless of my feelings. Hope that addresses your inquiry. Thanks for the input.

Yes, well...putting aside for a moment that the world is a chaotic place and the future is always unknown and yada yada yada, the most telling consequence of casual dating is that it frequently ends with one person developing deeper feelings and the other person choosing that precise moment to announce they've decided to start fucking someone else. So, yeah. Casual dating can be a little rough. While we're not biologically wired to be monogamous, we're not socially wired to be casual daters, either. Many is the person who said "Oh yeah, casual...I'm totally on board with that" and ended up crying into their soup when it was all said and done.

 

[axlryder]

Y'know I did that once... Then after spending about 2 hours straight with the girl as soon as she left my first thought was:

"Well, that was a waste of time. I could have finished the last few episodes of Umineko by now if it wasn't for her..."

Had to rethink my priorities after that little revelation XD

So fuck the whole dating thing, i've always been happier on my own anyway.

Oh, on the subject of Umineko, the first 11 or so episodes are really good then it all starts to go downhill DX

Apparently the game was far better... Yet another reason why I need a better PC XP

[sub]Derailing skill +1[/sub]

Haha, your avi feels oddly appropriate for that comment. I'll look Umineko up. Can't say I've even heard of it.

 

[hazabaza1]

Seems like a bit of a dick move.
I'd just stay friends unless you're willing to commit.

There's this thing called the friend zone.

Hahahaha, you're funny.

Seems like a bit of a dick move.
I'd just stay friends unless you're willing to commit.

Also, "commit" is a vague and silly term in this context. Most people who date girls because they fancy them don't even know the first thing about commitment, let alone how to support someone else or themselves in a relationship.

I suppose commit wasn't really the right word. Trying to think of a way to phrase this but not really sure how to. Basically, OP makes it seem like you're being really apathetic about the whole thing, and that doesn't seem like the best attitude, even for short term relationships.

 

[axlryder]

The personal ramifications are what you make them, barring any actual tangible repercussions of your actions. That said, no one can fully know what the ramifications will be, given the variables that are impossible to predict. So no, I don't actually know what the ramifications are, but neither does anyone else. Casual dating is just a label like any other, it doesn't define the outcome any more than FWB or marriage. I wouldn't verbally call it that, because I think that puts unnecessarily negative preconceptions in some peoples minds (i.e. I just want to fuck you). I'd just say maybe we could date and see where it goes. Also, I think highly enough of her as a person, and I'd take care to try and not hurt her. I'm certainly a lot better than those possessive, jittery assholes that seem all too common, regardless of my feelings. Hope that addresses your inquiry. Thanks for the input.

Yes, well...putting aside for a moment that the world is a chaotic place and the future is always unknown and yada yada yada, the most telling consequence of casual dating is that it frequently ends with one person developing deeper feelings and the other person choosing that precise moment to announce they've decided to start fucking someone else. So, yeah. Casual dating can be a little rough. While we're not biologically wired to be monogamous, we're not socially wired to be casual daters, either. Many is the person who said "Oh yeah, casual...I'm totally on board with that" and ended up crying into their soup when it was all said and done.

Which is why I'd rather not call it casual dating. I'm just dating the girl. It's not FWB, it's just monogamous dating. I said above I'm not in it for the sex. Also, the whole casual sex/dating thing ending badly seems to be something of a myth. In most scientific studies I've found, it seems those who engaged in it were ultimately just as satisfied if not more satisfied with their lives than those who weren't or were single. Many of these questioned those who were no longer in said relationships. Note that this is while I was searching for support for the opposing viewpoint. I've also met a few people recently who said they were happy with the casual relationships they entered in the past. Most of the support I've heard denouncing it was anecdotal. I still don't buy that the majority who enter these relationships end up happier for it (maybe they were lying in the studies), but I've yet to find any solid evidence stating otherwise. Point is, though, this isn't what you seem to think so it's the whole "fucking whoever" thing seems kind of irrelevant.

 

[axlryder]

Seems like a bit of a dick move.
I'd just stay friends unless you're willing to commit.

There's this thing called the friend zone.

Hahahaha, you're funny.

Seems like a bit of a dick move.
I'd just stay friends unless you're willing to commit.

Also, "commit" is a vague and silly term in this context. Most people who date girls because they fancy them don't even know the first thing about commitment, let alone how to support someone else or themselves in a relationship.

I suppose commit wasn't really the right word. Trying to think of a way to phrase this but not really sure how to. Basically, OP makes it seem like you're being really apathetic about the whole thing, and that doesn't seem like the best attitude, even for short term relationships.

Well this isn't designed to be a short term relationship. Just a relationship, really. It can go wherever. Also, I'm not apathetic. That is, if I didn't care at all then I wouldn't even be bothering with this girl. I'm more so just not super into her. I like her enough. I'm willing to date her. I might become more into her once we're in a relationship (that does happen). I just don't have really strong feelings right now. I know it doesn't seem like the best attitude, but really, the more I think about the more it seems like social norms and cultural taboos are driving people's contempt here. Like, it's fine when too ill-prepared people crash and burn because they have NO idea how to actually maintain a relationship and were really just riding the high of infatuation. But if someone is casually thinking "I can see myself with this girl" and actually knows they can competently maintain said relationship in hopes of more, they're a dick? I'm starting to not really see it.

 

[Phasmal]

That kind of does sound like using her, I don't see how you could be honest in that relationship (`Hey, I'm not really into you but you'd be okay to date`?).
There's nothing wrong with being single and taking your time to meet the right person.

I've only ever dated two guys (still with the second one), but being alone isn't a big deal.
I say save it for someone you actually give a damn about.

It has nothing to do with honesty, it's just about whether or not it can pan out. Love can grow, and as long as I'm not saying "I love you" or "I really like you" or feigning feelings that aren't there then I'm not deceiving her. Also, this question was not pertaining to the merits of being single, though I imagined that someone would feel compelled to needlessly interject their views on the matter anyway.

I didn't mean honesty as `not telling her you love her if you don't`, thats kind of a given. I meant, say you date, she ends up really liking you and you still don't really feel much for her. To me that would feel dishonest, but obviously different people and all that. I guess I would only go into it if she feels the same way. If she gets way more into you than you are into her, that could end badly.

As to the merits of being single bit, the idea of dating someone just so you aren't single (as is kind of referenced in your OP) suggests you don't want to be single. I just don't think that's a good enough reason to date someone.

 

[axlryder]

If you want to ask her out, balancing the pros and cons, just not to be single, shows you don't care about her in that way, you just want to not be single which makes you look like a MASSIVE douche. Don't do this to her.

I see. So if I was infatuated with her, which is where almost all modern relationships seem to start from, then had that inevitable crash and then got bored I'd be, what? normal? Yeah, sounds more like the guy with his head in the clouds and zero forethought was being the MASSIVE douche. I see where you're coming from, but it's not as though I'm out to just use her and leave her. I want to see where the relationship goes and get some more relational experience at my current age. Not build her up and then crush her little heart.

 

[hazabaza1]

Seems like a bit of a dick move.
I'd just stay friends unless you're willing to commit.

There's this thing called the friend zone.

Hahahaha, you're funny.

Seems like a bit of a dick move.
I'd just stay friends unless you're willing to commit.

Also, "commit" is a vague and silly term in this context. Most people who date girls because they fancy them don't even know the first thing about commitment, let alone how to support someone else or themselves in a relationship.

I suppose commit wasn't really the right word. Trying to think of a way to phrase this but not really sure how to. Basically, OP makes it seem like you're being really apathetic about the whole thing, and that doesn't seem like the best attitude, even for short term relationships.

Well this isn't designed to be a short term relationship. Just a relationship, really. It can go wherever. Also, I'm not apathetic. That is, if I didn't care at all then I wouldn't even be bothering with this girl. I'm more so just not super into her. I like her enough. I'm willing to date her. I might become more into her once we're in a relationship (that does happen). I just don't have really strong feelings right now. I know it doesn't seem like the best attitude, but really, the more I think about the more it seems like social norms and cultural taboos are driving people's contempt here. Like, it's fine when too ill-prepared people crash and burn because they have NO idea how to actually maintain a relationship and were really just riding the high of infatuation. But if someone is casually thinking "I can see myself with this girl" and actually knows they can competently maintain said relationship in hopes of more, they're a dick? I'm starting to not really see it.

Just a misunderstanding in the original post, I think. The whole apathy point of view idea.

Taking in this new perspective, doesn't seem like it'll be a bad idea. Disregard the previous "dick" comment.

 

[axlryder]

That kind of does sound like using her, I don't see how you could be honest in that relationship (`Hey, I'm not really into you but you'd be okay to date`?).
There's nothing wrong with being single and taking your time to meet the right person.

I've only ever dated two guys (still with the second one), but being alone isn't a big deal.
I say save it for someone you actually give a damn about.

It has nothing to do with honesty, it's just about whether or not it can pan out. Love can grow, and as long as I'm not saying "I love you" or "I really like you" or feigning feelings that aren't there then I'm not deceiving her. Also, this question was not pertaining to the merits of being single, though I imagined that someone would feel compelled to needlessly interject their views on the matter anyway.

I didn't mean honesty as `not telling her you love her if you don't`, thats kind of a given. I meant, say you date, she ends up really liking you and you still don't really feel much for her. To me that would feel dishonest, but obviously different people and all that. I guess I would only go into it if she feels the same way. If she gets way more into you than you are into her, that could end badly.

As to the merits of being single bit, the idea of dating someone just so you aren't single (as is kind of referenced in your OP) suggests you don't want to be single. I just don't think that's a good enough reason to date someone.

That's how ALL relationships are. Most relationships end because someone doesn't feel that way anymore. You'll notice that a LOT of relationships end. It honestly seems really silly to say that because I didn't start out infatuated with her, that I'm suddenly being a dishonest jerk because I should have all those initial fake giddy feelings that cloud people's judgement. I'm not talking about feelings in general, just those pheromone highs that almost entirely based around nothing substantial. Also, really, dating because you think it's a good time to start dating again and you have a girl you think would be a good person to date is really a good a reason as any. I consider it better than "OMG this girl has a nice azz and I pretty sure I'm in love with her even though I'm definitely not and probably don't even know what real love looks like". I was in highschool, I dated a lot, I know what that's like. Also, it's not as though I'm dating this girl (I'm actually asking her out in like an hour lol) just because I want to be in a relationship and am grabbing at the nearest warm body.

 

[axlryder]

If you want to ask her out, balancing the pros and cons, just not to be single, shows you don't care about her in that way, you just want to not be single which makes you look like a MASSIVE douche. Don't do this to her.

I see. So if I was infatuated with her, which is where almost all modern relationships seem to start from, then had that inevitable crash and then got board I'd be, what? normal? Yeah, sounds more like the guy with his head in the clouds and zero forethought was being the MASSIVE douche. I see where you're coming from, but it's not as though I'm out to just use her and leave her. I want to see where the relationship goes and get some relational experience. Not build her up and then crush her little heart.

Even so, you said she is not your type, this isn't a positive statement to make when you want to ask out someone, If you share interests, go for it but don't do it just so you are not single.

Physically she's not my type. I always considered the superficiality of people's preferences to be hindering. I'm trying to look past that. Also, we get along great (both movie buffs, lol), it's one of the reason why I'm asking her out.

 

[thylasos]

HA! No. I'm very rarely in a relationship, it must be said.

I get my end away on roughly a once-in-two-years basis, it seems, and the relationships don't last more than a few months as a rule.

I don't let it bother me, as a rule. I like my time to myself, and I'm not the greatest person to be in a relationship with. I'm quite bland, sex-wise, I don't have an amazing body, and I'm very lazy in terms of keeping in contact on a daily basis. I can have a cultured or amusing conversation, and I like to cook for people and go to cultural things, as applies to a large portion of the worlds population, but apart from that, there's not that much to be gained by going out with me specifically.

As it stands, though, I find it difficult (read: impossible) to seperate sex and emotion, so the last few times a girl's come on to me, I've just... pretended not to understand and left, which is slightly cowardly, I suppose, but it's easier than explaining all this crap, and it means I don't have to turn down (explicitly) a perfectly nice girl.

SO... I've bascially adopted the opposite tactic of the thread title.

 

[Phasmal]

That's how ALL relationships are. Most relationships end because someone doesn't feel that way anymore. You'll notice that a LOT of relationships end. It honestly seems really silly to say that because I didn't start out infatuated with her, that I'm suddenly being a dishonest jerk because I should have all those initial fake giddy feelings that cloud people's judgement. Also, really, dating because you think it's a good time to start dating and you have a girl you think would be a good person to date is really a good a reason as any. I consider it better than "OMG this girl has a nice azz and I pretty sure I'm in love with her even though I'm definitely not and probably don't even know what real love looks like"

I never called you a dishonest jerk, just mentioned I would feel dishonest in that situation. If you think its a good reason then go for it I guess, but I wouldn't be so dismissive of people who start out infatuated, there's certainly nothing wrong with that either.

Many relationships end because someone doesn't feel for the other person anymore, but I dont know that many that end because they didn't really feel much for them in the first place.

If you go into a relationship and fall in love and everything works out then yay, but it would suck if you started dating and pretty soon had to do a U-turn because you don't really like her like that.

 

[Esotera]

Most of my relationships are like that, and the serious ones tended to last. I haven't dated anyone in several years as I don't currently have the time thanks to uni, but would probably date someone just for the hell of it after finishing there.

 

[axlryder]

That's how ALL relationships are. Most relationships end because someone doesn't feel that way anymore. You'll notice that a LOT of relationships end. It honestly seems really silly to say that because I didn't start out infatuated with her, that I'm suddenly being a dishonest jerk because I should have all those initial fake giddy feelings that cloud people's judgement. Also, really, dating because you think it's a good time to start dating and you have a girl you think would be a good person to date is really a good a reason as any. I consider it better than "OMG this girl has a nice azz and I pretty sure I'm in love with her even though I'm definitely not and probably don't even know what real love looks like"

I never called you a dishonest jerk, just mentioned I would feel dishonest in that situation. If you think its a good reason then go for it I guess, but I wouldn't be so dismissive of people who start out infatuated, there's certainly nothing wrong with that either.

Many relationships end because someone doesn't feel for the other person anymore, but I dont know that many that end because they didn't really feel much for them in the first place.

If you go into a relationship and fall in love and everything works out then yay, but it would suck if you started dating and pretty soon had to do a U-turn because you don't really like her like that.

Oh I know, I wasn't trying to put words in your mouth, I was just go with the natural picture that I'm imagining is painted in some people's minds. Also, I'm not being dismissive, just playing out another, more common, scenario (though generally people who base their relationships on nothing but infatuation, i.e. young people, are statistically more likely to fail miserably).

Also, you're right, it would suck, but it would be no worse than the other scenario, so where the added risk comes in I don't know.

 

[Evilsanta]

Y'know I did that once... Then after spending about 2 hours straight with the girl as soon as she left my first thought was:

"Well, that was a waste of time. I could have finished the last few episodes of Umineko by now if it wasn't for her..."

Had to rethink my priorities after that little revelation XD

So fuck the whole dating thing, i've always been happier on my own anyway.

Oh, on the subject of Umineko, the first 11 or so episodes are really good then it all starts to go downhill DX

Apparently the game was far better... Yet another reason why I need a better PC XP

[sub]Derailing skill +1[/sub]

Umineko doesn't require that much PC power to run, Hell you could use a shitty laptop and it should still work. The only Umineko game that would require a somewhat decent PC would the spin off fighting game. So there should be nothing stoping you from playing it.

...What are you waiting for?! GET IT! NOAW!

OT: Since I am not really that experinced in this I shouldn't really give you any advice. I am just typing this just to not totally go off topic.

Go for it? As long as you inform that you aren't head over heels about her and that you think that it can lead to something greater.


Captcha: Cut the mustard....WTF?