Hilarious lies you will tell your children.

[Epicspoon]

I'm going to tell my kids that Jesus was Black. also I'm white.

 

[YingDerpington]

I will probably sit MY children down and tell them that how I got their mother pregnant (A lie of course, I was infertile and they were born from the sperm of a stranger that donated to a sperm bank!)

 

[Grouchy Imp_v1legacy]

I'll tell them that when everyone is born their voice-box only can only take a preset limited number of uses, and that after this limit has been used up they'll never be able to speak again. So whatever they're about to say, they'd better make sure it's really important.

The inane babble of sprogs annoys me and this works a treat.

<..>

What?!?

 

[A.A.K]

I won't be lying to them. It'll fuck em up good!

 

[Trippy Turtle]

If the ice cream truck is playing music it means they are out of ice cream. Cruel, but healthier.

 

[chinangel]

well...I'm transgendered. So if it ever comes up, I think i'll just tell them that the reason I turned into a girl is because I masturbated too much and it just fell off.

>:3

let's see what happens...

 

[bluepilot]

I am going to tell them that I am a witch and went to Hogwarts and that I married a muggle so I cannot use magic anymore.


Then, on their 11th Birthday, they will wait and wait for the letter to come, and when the day is over I will say, "sorry sweetie, I guess that you are just not magical, you have to work hard at school."

I will be the best mum ever!

 

[Mr F.]

I'll tell them that when everyone is born their voice-box only can only take a preset limited number of uses, and that after this limit has been used up they'll never be able to speak again. So whatever they're about to say, they'd better make sure it's really important.

The inane babble of sprogs annoys me and this works a treat.

<..>

What?!?

Genius.

Also, my contribution to this:

http://xkcd.com/826/

As for hilarious lies I want to tell my eventual children? I cannot think of any. That said, if all goes well, by the time I am having kids I should be in politics, so I guess they will be used to their father lying all the time.

 

[Alcamonic]

Why lie when you can shatter their little minds by telling truths?
Yes dear, Santa is fake, so is Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.

I am the best uncle ever...

 

[Rawne1980]

Already done it.

My son asked what a condom was and I told him it was a block of flats.

 

[snappydog]

I do quite like the idea of telling my kids that the 2012 apocalypse did indeed happen and that we're the survivors, and that those who deny it just don't want to remember those terrible days D:
I will be telling them what sex is though, because my mum explained the process of reproduction to me as involving a part of each of the parents growing into me. I, being clever enough to figure something out but stupid enough to be completely off the mark, lived for rather a while in fear of the idea that one day, when I wanted a kid of my own, I would have to cut my own kidney out and put it in a blender with someone else's.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

I'm not gonna lie to my kids. I want them to explore the world by themselves and when they come across something they want to understand more I will tell them everything I know about it. And I'm not gonna tell them to stop doing something just because it's annoying. Kids should be able to explore freely as long as they're not putting themselves in danger. All kids are natural scientists. Parents just kill their curiosity and then we end up with Republicans and religious zealots. Not my kids. My kids will be scientifically literate and open minded.

I hope that doesn't mean you're not going to discipline your children for being annoying/misbehaving as that would be truly tragic!

Don't worry, it doesn't.

 

[Segadroid]

I'll tell them that when everyone is born their voice-box only can only take a preset limited number of uses, and that after this limit has been used up they'll never be able to speak again. So whatever they're about to say, they'd better make sure it's really important.

The inane babble of sprogs annoys me and this works a treat.

<..>

What?!?

Already done it.

My son asked what a condom was and I told him it was a block of flats.

I am so telling that to my future kids.

OT: I'll probably not lie much to them, though I will tell them babies are brought by an ostrich smashing into the room when the nine months have passed.

Just like I was told once >_>

My parents are weird.

 

[NoeL]

I won't tell my children lies, I will indoctrinate them to love Macs however.

I guess it's like religion. If you don't fill their heads with nonsense when they're young and stupid they'll never believe it as adults.

 

[Zantos]

well...I'm transgendered. So if it ever comes up, I think i'll just tell them that the reason I turned into a girl is because I masturbated too much and it just fell off.

>:3

let's see what happens...

Greatest. Post. Ever.

I'd probably pick a monster and tell them that they're my best friend and if the kids misbehave then uncle monster will come round to eat one of them.

The above is in absolutely no way just an excuse to buy a predator costume.

 

[Erttheking]

I won't tell my children lies, I will indoctrinate them to love Macs however.

I guess it's like religion. If you don't fill their heads with nonsense when they're young and stupid they'll never believe it as adults.

"Sigh" did you really have to take a harmless joke and go down that road?

 

[Groxnax]

I'll tell them that Godzilla is real and the movies are just cover up stories.

And if they are not well behaved he will come down and have a talk with them, after he smashes the town.

 

[Ultress]

I will take my parenting tips from Calvin's dad and hope my kid can be half that awesome.

 

[Ashhearth]

Well my dad used to tell me that the brain was powered by squirrels that were running on a hamster wheel and whenever you were confused that was the squirrels falling off the wheel. I never actually believed it but my older brother did for quite some time apparently. >.> And to think I thought I would never actually use this....

 

[Assassin Xaero]

If the ice cream truck is playing music it means they are out of ice cream. Cruel, but healthier.

Damn, someone beat me to it, sorta. Around here they ring a bell, haven't heard them play music before.

Captcha: tickle the ivories - umm... odd.