I have decided to be completely honest, escapists, so I wrote this. I hope someone will read it.

[Slash Dementia]

I read through it, and, even though you were not looking for pity, I am sorry that you feel that way. I do a lot of times, too.

I was raised not to question my parents, and that different opinions--my opinions--were wrong. I grew up to listen, not to speak. When I speak I feel the judgment of everyone going against me, I feel that I'm wrong, that I need to change. It's not a good feeling--at all.

I learn things fast, but I also forget them just as quickly. I am good at things, but if I'm depressed even slightly, I'll deny all of that. I'm not good at writing, I'm not good at understanding people, I'm not good at guitar or drums, I'm not even good at video games, I'm not good at life. But I am good at all those things. I hate to gloat, and I hate to feel above anyone, so when I'm depressed I'll take everything away from myself.

I hate that I'm suicidal. I've been this way for years, but it's only gotten to the point where I'm holding a bottle of medication in one hand and sitting at the corner of my room. Sometimes, often, I'm scared that I will do something because, apparently, I don't know what I'm doing. I've stopped breathing at times, and I've said stuff that I don't remember saying.

Sometimes I hate my life, but more than often I love it for what it is and what it can be. I know that I can overcome self-esteem problems, social ones, and also suicidal ones. It's not impossible, and getting over your problems aren't either.

Thank you for sharing what you were/are feeling. It's nice to see a post like this.

 

[DonMartin]

I read through it, and, even though you were not looking for pity, I am sorry that you feel that way. I do a lot of times, too.

I was raised not to question my parents, and that different opinions--my opinions--were wrong. I grew up to listen, not to speak. When I speak I feel the judgment of everyone going against me, I feel that I'm wrong, that I need to change. It's not a good feeling--at all.

I learn things fast, but I also forget them just as quickly. I am good at things, but if I'm depressed even slightly, I'll deny all of that. I'm not good at writing, I'm not good at understanding people, I'm not good at guitar or drums, I'm not even good at video games, I'm not good at life. But I am good at all those things. I hate to gloat, and I hate to feel above anyone, so when I'm depressed I'll take everything away from myself.

I hate that I'm suicidal. I've been this way for years, but it's only gotten to the point where I'm holding a bottle of medication in one hand and sitting at the corner of my room. Sometimes, often, I'm scared that I will do something because, apparently, I don't know what I'm doing. I've stopped breathing at times, and I've said stuff that I don't remember saying.

Sometimes I hate my life, but more than often I love it for what it is and what it can be. I know that I can overcome self-esteem problems, social ones, and also suicidal ones. It's not impossible, and getting over your problems aren't either.

Thank you for sharing what you were/are feeling. It's nice to see a post like this.

It's even nicer to get this kind of a heart-felt response. I thank you, sincerely. I really do.

I contemplated suicide at some points in my life, and nowadays Ive grown used to the idea. That frightens me, it does, because it no longer seems like such a horrible, terrifying thing. Which it is, make no mistake. When I look at things clearly, I love life. I would never throw that away. Im sure that you wouldn't either, youre strong enough for that. Anyone cant just write something that heartfelt.

I wish you the best of luck, man. I am sure that we can get through our troubles. Even when things seem pitch-black. I believe we can. I do, even if it sounds silly and corny.

Thank you, again. Sincerely.

 

[Legendsmith]

snip

This is interesting and I am interested as to why to chose to put this mesage here. I understand your situation as it is a little similar to my own.

I've read some of the advice others have given. I agree with it and I ahve this to add:
IF at all possible, remove yourself from any great stresses in your life. Your father appears to be one. As was mine. I moved out fo my parent's home a few years ago and my life has improved greatly. If you still live with your parents or have a lot of contact with your father, I urge you to move out if at all possible.
Staying near stresses will make it near impossible to drag yourself out of this state.

As you have asked me to read something you wrote, I now as you to read something that I wrote.This link is to a work in progress document, but you should still be able to understand the gist of it. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cAzHAs7tsQFX10iSjfr7q1tBlZzJx1K0Pbf6CZLUxM4/edit?hl=en&authkey=CLTGkd8M]

Spoiler: One you've read that google doc...

As you can see from the responses to your post, in the absence of any paralanguage (voice tone, body language, etc) people projected their own interpreted emotional tone onto your post. AS your post was quite negative, people assumed that you were completely negative; Not trying to help yourself or take enjoyment in things, etc.

 

[DonMartin]

snip

This is interesting and I am interested as to why to chose to put this mesage here. I understand your situation as it is a little similar to my own.

I've read some of the advice others have given. I agree with it and I ahve this to add:
IF at all possible, remove yourself from any great stresses in your life. Your father appears to be one. As was mine. I moved out fo my parent's home a few years ago and my life has improved greatly. If you still live with your parents or have a lot of contact with your father, I urge you to move out if at all possible.
Staying near stresses will make it near impossible to drag yourself out of this state.

As you have asked me to read something you wrote, I now as you to read something that I wrote.This link is to a work in progress document, but you should still be able to understand the gist of it. [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cAzHAs7tsQFX10iSjfr7q1tBlZzJx1K0Pbf6CZLUxM4/edit?hl=en&authkey=CLTGkd8M]

Spoiler: One you've read that google doc...

As you can see from the responses to your post, in the absence of any paralanguage (voice tone, body language, etc) people projected their own interpreted emotional tone onto your post. AS your post was quite negative, people assumed that you were completely negative; Not trying to help yourself or take enjoyment in things, etc.

That's a pretty good point, that people projected their own emotional tone onto the post. I tried to write it pretty calmly, and not be overly negative or positive, but looking back at it now, at least before I added the edits, it looked pretty pessimistic.

Thanks for the link, and thanks even more for the advice. Thanks a lot, actually.

 

[Epic Fail 1977]

Now I finally understand what "emo" means!

(not meant as an insult)

Unsure of myself? Hell yes. But I think you'll find that most people become that way as they get older. I did an age poll the other day and discovered that almost everyone on the escapist forums is under 24. Seriously, don't waste your breath trying to tell people under 24 to doubt themselves. It's natural to be sure of yourself when you're young, and consequently to clash with other people's opinions, and (after a few years decades) start to realise that maybe not everything you think is absolutely right. But that takes time.

There are gaming forums with more older people on them. Those forums tend to be much more mature than this one. You might like one of those better.

 

[DJDarque]

Also, "Be excellent to eachother!" has made me completely sure of the fact that you are a wonderful person. Just thought I'd add that.

Many people, myself included, would probably disagree with you. I have been a terrible person more often than I would like to admit. I've been arrogant, ignorant, hateful, the works, and I've made people angry and even lost friends over it.

I am, however, trying to change that. So your words of kindness are very appreciated, regardless of whether or not I feel I deserve them.

See? You managed to allow me to share a little bit. Mission Accomplished, I would say.

 

[Evil Moo]

I see some parallels between us, and as you say there do seem to be a large number of people with similar low self esteem etc. I am not sure where my own insecurities originate, probably a mixture of natural shyness, combined with a series of, to be honest, fairly innocuous events which resulted in what I view as probably fairly mild depression (which nobody seemed to notice at the time >_>), though really I have no frame of reference to assess how severe it actually was, so for all I know it could be my low self esteem underestimating the seriousness of it.

After a couple of years I had managed to adjust my personality to best cope with these feelings. Effectively I redefined myself around the negativity, embracing it rather than fighting it, allowing me to control it in the form of cynicism.

Deciding to be a cynic does not help you. Don't do that, I beg you. You're only making it worse for yourself and for others.

I would disagree with this, at least in my own case. Perhaps though we have different definitions of cynicism. I thoroughly enjoy being cynical. It is the defining part of my personality. It is not a bitter or hateful thing for me, more of a detached, observational pessimism. Of course I can accept it when things are good, but expecting less of everything neutralises any disappointment when things go wrong. Also, don't interpret that I don't try to do the best I can at my own endeavours, my cynicism is only usually applied to things over which I have no control.

While I find this system works well for me, I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to everyone, it may not be particularly compatible with the lifestyle you expect or desire in terms of social relationships. I am quite happy in my own company and can interact with others positively, but I rarely form anything more than loose friendships, which probably wouldn't be enough for most people.

 

[DonMartin]

I see some parallels between us, and as you say there do seem to be a large number of people with similar low self esteem etc. I am not sure where my own insecurities originate, probably a mixture of natural shyness, combined with a series of, to be honest, fairly innocuous events which resulted in what I view as probably fairly mild depression (which nobody seemed to notice at the time >_>), though really I have no frame of reference to assess how severe it actually was, so for all I know it could be my low self esteem underestimating the seriousness of it.

After a couple of years I had managed to adjust my personality to best cope with these feelings. Effectively I redefined myself around the negativity, embracing it rather than fighting it, allowing me to control it in the form of cynicism.

Deciding to be a cynic does not help you. Don't do that, I beg you. You're only making it worse for yourself and for others.

I would disagree with this, at least in my own case. Perhaps though we have different definitions of cynicism. I thoroughly enjoy being cynical. It is the defining part of my personality. It is not a bitter or hateful thing for me, more of a detached, observational pessimism. Of course I can accept it when things are good, but expecting less of everything neutralises any disappointment when things go wrong. Also, don't interpret that I don't try to do the best I can at my own endeavours, my cynicism is only usually applied to things over which I have no control.

While I find this system works well for me, I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to everyone, it may not be particularly compatible with the lifestyle you expect or desire in terms of social relationships. I am quite happy in my own company and can interact with others positively, but I rarely form anything more than loose friendships, which probably wouldn't be enough for most people.

I realize that I spoke about cynicism very generalizing, and I should have mentioned that there always is an exception. If you yourself are happy with it, (and I assume it doesnt really hurt anyone) then I am in no position to judge it. Whatever works for whoever, I suppose. Your right, I have a very clear view of what a cynic is, and definitions might change from person to person. Your definition might be completely logical to me, and you seem to be very capable of logical and rational thought so I trust you made the best possible decision in choosing to be one.

I can see how it would help you deal with negativity, as I have used it for that as well. (I mentioned I used to be pessimistic and cynical respectively) It just wasnt anything for me, I suppose.

Thank you for bringing that up, that was a very good point. Thanks for reading, too.

 

[DonMartin]

Also, "Be excellent to eachother!" has made me completely sure of the fact that you are a wonderful person. Just thought I'd add that.

Many people, myself included, would probably disagree with you. I have been a terrible person more often than I would like to admit. I've been arrogant, ignorant, hateful, the works, and I've made people angry and even lost friends over it.

I am, however, trying to change that. So your words of kindness are very appreciated, regardless of whether or not I feel I deserve them.

See? You managed to allow me to share a little bit. Mission Accomplished, I would say.

I can relate to that. As I mentioned in my OP, I used to be cynical and pessimistic, too. I did a lot of things I am not proud of, and frankly I dont even want to think about them. However, I have changed my ways, and whereas I still am ashamed for what I have been, and some of it still haunts me, I feel better now. I feel like a better person, even if I often doubt myself and my ways.

You know, just for trying to do good, you deserve all kindness in the world. I think so, at least. A lot of people share this view. Someone once said, "Be kind whenever it is possible, because it is always possible."

You deserve these words, at least in my eyes. And I hope that counts for something.

Thank you, again.

 

[DonMartin]

Now I finally understand what "emo" means!

(not meant as an insult)

Unsure of myself? Hell yes. But I think you'll find that most people become that way as they get older. I did an age poll the other day and discovered that almost everyone on the escapist forums is under 24. Seriously, don't waste your breath trying to tell people under 24 to doubt themselves. It's natural to be sure of yourself when you're young, and consequently to clash with other people's opinions, and (after a few years decades) start to realise that maybe not everything you think is absolutely right. But that takes time.

There are gaming forums with more older people on them. Those forums tend to be much more mature than this one. You might like one of those better.

This was an interesting read. (first of all, how can "emo" not be an insult? I kid, I kid..)
I dont know about that, I think that the Escapist have been very intelligent and supportive in their responses. There are a few comments that hint at a younger age, but most of the response I have recieved is pretty much ageless, as it deals with the now. This state of my mind, hopefully and probably just a phase, I think is treated with advice on how to deal with the now. Not poor advice, I can spot those myself, but generally just kind and supporting words and advice.

A lot of people have even thanked me, saying this gave them a new perspective. It is more than I ever could have hoped for, and I am very happy about that. If this was as a result of me telling them my story and asking them to doubt themselves, then I dont think it was a waste of breath. Even if there only was one person who started thinking and somehow got some hope in the process.

Youre right though, sometimes it is hard to have a proper, calm discussion here, and sometimes people do tend to think that everything they say is correct. But in this thread, most of the responses were calm, collected and actually very well thought. I think that says a lot about the Escapist, even if the a XBOX VS PS3 thread would prove differently. It's a huge and varied community, I think.

I also would like to comment on the fact that many an adult would hardly take me seriously, and dismiss it as teenage problems. It might be, sure, but it nevertheless is frightening and very scary. Also, if the average age is 24, that means that there is a lot of people on here who are older than 24, right? And I think they might be the ones more willing to read that wall of text my OP is.

Thanks for your input and response, however, as it gave me and anyone reading this something new to think about.

 

[Hiikuro]

You seem to know this, and know what Im talking about. Thanks for responding, mate. It means a lot.

I have the "positive is bad" attitude too, to some extent. I suppose we just need to find some kind of balance, right? A guy here wrote to me in a PM thanking me for this post (which was very kind of him, and I am really grateful) and told me about his own experiences with this. He made a really good point about balance, and I suppose that's what we need. Either we grow into it, or we just try to develop it as we go. Or both.

Thank me? No, thank you for responding. Youre very kind, and I thank you for your response. As many already have said, and I think we both know, were not alone with these problems. So many go through the same, and seeing as how they still make it, gives me hope and a smile. "In the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow" (Im going to try not telling you that I feel silly for using that kind of a cliché, and for trying to sound deep)

Thanks, again.

I want to provide an alternate take on this. I used to believe in balance, and striving for balance.

But striving for balance was not my right path. What helped me was to focus on a goal (which here is left blank due to irrelevance), which in a way puts my issues on something external instead of internal. In a matter of coincidence it was a Finnish guy I know who gave me that thought.

In a way I ended the focus on myself, and I'm now a "slave" to my own determination. I have no longer much liberty to worry about my issues, and as a result they fade. I now spend a lot of time and energy doing what I can to realize my goal, and for every day that passes I get closer to it. Though even if I fail my aspiration, the things I got from the process are so valuable that the energy I spent will never have gone to waste.

In short, I didn't start finding balance by seeking balance, but from other means.

I've never thought of sounding deep as an issue, I rather regard it as a good trait. It is practically the only way I can communicate when I get more than a few seconds to think (if you had met me in real-life you'd notice I talk somewhat incoherently and chaotic most of the time), and I blame that on having to translate images and visualizations to words. That is granted I've understood the idiom 'deep' correctly.

 

[Karhukonna]

I've been typing this post over and over again, trying to wrap my mind around the OP, attempting to catch my train of thought. This all has failed me, so I will do as I was going to instruct you. I'm gonna go back to the basics.

[screw English]

Mulle tuli vähän sellainen olo että sä et oikeasti nauti elämästä sellaisella maanläheisellä tavalla. Toki postissasi mainitsit että rakastat elämää ja elämistä, enkä mä nyt meinannutkaan että sä mikään itsemurhakandidaatti olisitkaan. Tuntuu kuitenkin siltä ettet koe elämää ja tätä meidän maailmaa ehkä itselles sopivana. Mulla onkin näin ollen pari neuvoa.

Mutta ihan ensiksi, mä haluan selventää että mä pidän itseäni melko maanläheisenä ihmisenä. Minä ja sinä ei välttämättä tultaisi siviilissä juurikaan juttuun, tunnut enemmän sellaiselta akateemikolta. En tietenkään väitä että siinä mitään vikaa olisi, mutta itse koen että välissämme on melko suuri kulttuuriero. Ei välttämättä mikään Kolmen Ällän Ylioppilas VS Hillbilly, vaan mielummin sellainen pieni kuilu.

Ja kun nyt tämä kuilu otetaan huomioon, ymmärrän täysin jos mun neuvot menee metsään eikä oikein tavoita sua, mutta antaa mennä sitten vaan.

Ensimmäisenä tulee mieleen että sun kannattaisi tutustua uusiin ihmisiin. Mulla oli kans tosi paljon mieli maassa vielä reilu viisi vuotta sitten, mutta sitten sattumankaupalla huomasin koulussa että luokallani oli paljon hyviä tyyppejä, joiden kanssa solmin mahdollisesti elämäni ensimmäiset oikeat ja pysyvät ihmissuhteet. Kaikkien näiden vuosien jälkeen pidetään vielä tiiviisti yhteyttä ja tavataan. Meidän luokalla oli "me" ja sitten oli "kaikki muut". Pikkuhiljaa aloin kasvaa ihmisenä parempaan suuntaan ja on elämäni ollut nousujohteista siitä lähtien.

Toinen neuvoni onkin, että hanki jotain sellaista puuhaa, eli joko harrastus tai työ, joka ihan oikeasti tarjoaa haastetta ja onnistumisen tunnetta. Itse olen vääntänyt paskaa duunia jo monta vuotta. En kehity oikein mihinkään suuntaan, ja elämä ikäänkuin rullaa paikallaan. Kun pari vuotta sitten suoritin varusmiespalvelukseni, tuli ensimmäistä kertaa elämässin sellainen olo että olen saavuttanut jotakin. En välttämättä muiden silmissä, mutta omissa silmissäni olin hommassani paras (olin ryhmänjohtaja), kuuluin timanttiseen eliittiin. Ei oikeastaan koskaan mennyt sormi suuhun, vaan tunsin aina oloni itsevarmaksi ja ammattitaitoiseksi. Ja jotenkin se vaikutti, sillä kun tuli vastaan tilanteita joihin en osannut reagoida niinkuin ehkä ohjekirjan mukaan olisi pitänyt, pystyin improvisoimaan ja vaikuttamaan entistä taitavammalta.

En ehdi enempää kirjoitella, mutta palailen myöhemmin. Toivottavasti nyt vähän pystyin auttamaan.

 

[DonMartin]

You seem to know this, and know what Im talking about. Thanks for responding, mate. It means a lot.

I have the "positive is bad" attitude too, to some extent. I suppose we just need to find some kind of balance, right? A guy here wrote to me in a PM thanking me for this post (which was very kind of him, and I am really grateful) and told me about his own experiences with this. He made a really good point about balance, and I suppose that's what we need. Either we grow into it, or we just try to develop it as we go. Or both.

Thank me? No, thank you for responding. Youre very kind, and I thank you for your response. As many already have said, and I think we both know, were not alone with these problems. So many go through the same, and seeing as how they still make it, gives me hope and a smile. "In the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow" (Im going to try not telling you that I feel silly for using that kind of a cliché, and for trying to sound deep)

Thanks, again.

I want to provide an alternate take on this. I used to believe in balance, and striving for balance.

But striving for balance was not my right path. What helped me was to focus on a goal (which here is left blank due to irrelevance), which in a way puts my issues on something external instead of internal. In a matter of coincidence it was a Finnish guy I know who gave me that thought.

In a way I ended the focus on myself, and I'm now a "slave" to my own determination. I have no longer much liberty to worry about my issues, and as a result they fade. I now spend a lot of time and energy doing what I can to realize my goal, and for every day that passes I get closer to it. Though even if I fail my aspiration, the things I got from the process are so valuable that the energy I spent will never have gone to waste.

In short, I didn't start finding balance by seeking balance, but from other means.

I've never thought of sounding deep as an issue, I rather regard it as a good trait. It is practically the only way I can communicate when I get more than a few seconds to think (if you had met me in real-life you'd notice I talk somewhat incoherently and chaotic most of the time), and I blame that on having to translate images and visualizations to words. That is granted I've understood the idiom 'deep' correctly.

Interesting point. I actually agree, and even though there's no indication of it in the text you quoted, that's sort of how I assumed balance should be found. You put it very elegantly, though. If something works for you and you dont suffer by it, (and others dont suffer either) then I have nothing to argue with. I think it's an indication of intelligence and balance (which I suppose is pretty obvious) that you can enjoy the journey that much, even if you dont reach the destination, so to speak.

I do enjoy being in company of people who do not mind or even think about sounding deep. It really allows for great discussion, and I do consider it a good trait too. It's just that the mentality around these parts is like I mentioned, and even if you actually are deep, you will be considered pretentious. It's silly, sad but true. And of course there are exceptions, I might add that just as well. This mentality just rubs off on me, no matter how much I hate it, and I do more or less subconciously measure someone's "pretentiousness" or "depth", although I do realize what Im doing and stop it, so I dont become prejudiced about someone or the like.

Thanks for that response, that was really interesting, and it made me think of some things I should have put in the OP.

 

[MrDarkling]

*Snip*

Well I read through all of it and it's a nice change to see that someone tries to openly vent their issues without twisting up their thoughts with what to blame it on.
You said who you are, what you do and all the while trying to grasp why.

Now I don't have a proper response to this but I can tell you why I don't...
but I'll get to that in a second.

As I read through this post of yours my mind drifted and thought of something unusual.
I don't know if anyone or yourself noticed but it went through my mind like poetry.
You describing how you feel and the sudden Stanza Breaks (or brackets in your case) of secondary thoughts of those exact feelings being hypocritical to you.

It reminds me of what a good friend of mine use to tell me
"No matter how hard one tries, you can never really describe the very essence of yourself and your existence unless you are on your deathbed"

As you have probably guessed it just means that while you still have years of life left to live one can never really understand themselves because your mind still has room (and time) to develop. I'm not saying you have no clue about yourself because your post clearly shows you have a fairly good idea, it's just more of an issue that you want that full or "pure" (as you call it)answer.
This finally leads me to about how I can't respond "properly" to your post. If I were to try (which I guess is sort of what I'm doing ironically) I'd only be doing the same thing as you.
Words are feeble and futile as you've quoted from Chaplin.

So I'll leave you with this:
You speak how you may feel like a phony, useless, nothing and horrible person.
To feel that you're not perfect.
"There's no such thing as perfect" as many people say but I think it's not entirely true, depending on the context.
I personally believe that the perfect human is one who knows they are not, which means they have potential to improve and get that little bit closer to the impossible perfection; a perfect system of self-improvement to be precise.
You've done that and your post is ironically evidence of that considering what you've said in it.
So yeh, next time you feel like shit about this remind yourself its because you're human and you're a good one at that.

On a final note:
I applaud your bravery and how you executed your post good sir

 

[Doclector]

I too see alot of paralells, and i'm in england. When i assess myself through a logical eye, if darwinism rang as true today as it did in more primitive times, i should be dead. I'm not attractive enough to ever "breed", and even if i did, i'd only be passing on my socially defective mannerisms. Positivity is alien to me, as this world can only be as good as it's people, and they suck. Intolerant to defectiveness and difference, murderous, and completely lacking mercy or empathy. The perfect apex predator. That's why when i meet nice people, they always seem to be the broken, faulty, and disfunctional. "nice", it seems, is not humanities most efficent way of life.

 

[DonMartin]

I've been typing this post over and over again, trying to wrap my mind around the OP, attempting to catch my train of thought. This all has failed me, so I will do as I was going to instruct you. I'm gonna go back to the basics.

[screw English]

Mulle tuli vähän sellainen olo että sä et oikeasti nauti elämästä sellaisella maanläheisellä tavalla. Toki postissasi mainitsit että rakastat elämää ja elämistä, enkä mä nyt meinannutkaan että sä mikään itsemurhakandidaatti olisitkaan. Tuntuu kuitenkin siltä ettet koe elämää ja tätä meidän maailmaa ehkä itselles sopivana. Mulla onkin näin ollen pari neuvoa.

Mutta ihan ensiksi, mä haluan selventää että mä pidän itseäni melko maanläheisenä ihmisenä. Minä ja sinä ei välttämättä tultaisi siviilissä juurikaan juttuun, tunnut enemmän sellaiselta akateemikolta. En tietenkään väitä että siinä mitään vikaa olisi, mutta itse koen että välissämme on melko suuri kulttuuriero. Ei välttämättä mikään Kolmen Ällän Ylioppilas VS Hillbilly, vaan mielummin sellainen pieni kuilu.

Ja kun nyt tämä kuilu otetaan huomioon, ymmärrän täysin jos mun neuvot menee metsään eikä oikein tavoita sua, mutta antaa mennä sitten vaan.

Ensimmäisenä tulee mieleen että sun kannattaisi tutustua uusiin ihmisiin. Mulla oli kans tosi paljon mieli maassa vielä reilu viisi vuotta sitten, mutta sitten sattumankaupalla huomasin koulussa että luokallani oli paljon hyviä tyyppejä, joiden kanssa solmin mahdollisesti elämäni ensimmäiset oikeat ja pysyvät ihmissuhteet. Kaikkien näiden vuosien jälkeen pidetään vielä tiiviisti yhteyttä ja tavataan. Meidän luokalla oli "me" ja sitten oli "kaikki muut". Pikkuhiljaa aloin kasvaa ihmisenä parempaan suuntaan ja on elämäni ollut nousujohteista siitä lähtien.

Toinen neuvoni onkin, että hanki jotain sellaista puuhaa, eli joko harrastus tai työ, joka ihan oikeasti tarjoaa haastetta ja onnistumisen tunnetta. Itse olen vääntänyt paskaa duunia jo monta vuotta. En kehity oikein mihinkään suuntaan, ja elämä ikäänkuin rullaa paikallaan. Kun pari vuotta sitten suoritin varusmiespalvelukseni, tuli ensimmäistä kertaa elämässin sellainen olo että olen saavuttanut jotakin. En välttämättä muiden silmissä, mutta omissa silmissäni olin hommassani paras (olin ryhmänjohtaja), kuuluin timanttiseen eliittiin. Ei oikeastaan koskaan mennyt sormi suuhun, vaan tunsin aina oloni itsevarmaksi ja ammattitaitoiseksi. Ja jotenkin se vaikutti, sillä kun tuli vastaan tilanteita joihin en osannut reagoida niinkuin ehkä ohjekirjan mukaan olisi pitänyt, pystyin improvisoimaan ja vaikuttamaan entistä taitavammalta.

En ehdi enempää kirjoitella, mutta palailen myöhemmin. Toivottavasti nyt vähän pystyin auttamaan.

You make an interesting point, you do. A lot of the things you mentioned are, however, things that I do, and you seem to have gotten the wrong impression of me, which cant really be blamed on anyone but myself.

I consider myself down to earth too, actually. I was born and raised in a small village, and a lot of the things you speak for are things I embrace as well. However, a few years ago I moved to Vaasa, and while that really isnt a bustling metropolis, it allowed me to get to know tons of new people. I actually still get to know more and more people, and I enjoy it completely. I also still hate the idea of being an academic, so the fact that you brought that up was particularly interesting. I dont consider myself an academic, and never have.

All in all, I dont really know what to add. I feel that I pretty much live by your advice already, and that maybe you got the wrong impression of me. Still, thank you for what you wrote, not only for the advice but for allowing me to at least try to make things more clear.

...And why am I still writing in English? I suppose it must be difficult jumping from language to language. Sorry about that.

 

[DonMartin]

*Snip*

Well I read through all of it and it's a nice change to see that someone tries to openly vent their issues without twisting up their thoughts with what to blame it on.
You said who you are, what you do and all the while trying to grasp why.

Now I don't have a proper response to this but I can tell you why I don't...
but I'll get to that in a second.

As I read through this post of yours my mind drifted and thought of something unusual.
I don't know if anyone or yourself noticed but it went through my mind like poetry.
You describing how you feel and the sudden Stanza Breaks (or brackets in your case) of secondary thoughts of those exact feelings being hypocritical to you.

It reminds me of what a good friend of mine use to tell me
"No matter how hard one tries, you can never really describe the very essence of yourself and your existence unless you are on your deathbed"

As you have probably guessed it just means that while you still have years of life left to live one can never really understand themselves because your mind still has room (and time) to develop. I'm not saying you have no clue about yourself because your post clearly shows you have a fairly good idea, it's just more of an issue that you want that full or "pure" (as you call it)answer.
This finally leads me to about how I can't respond "properly" to your post. If I were to try (which I guess is sort of what I'm doing ironically) I'd only be doing the same thing as you.
Words are feeble and futile as you've quoted from Chaplin.

So I'll leave you with this:
You speak how you may feel like a phony, useless, nothing and horrible person.
To feel that you're not perfect.
"There's no such thing as perfect" as many people say but I think it's not entirely true, depending on the context.
I personally believe that the perfect human is one who knows they are not, which means they have potential to improve and get that little bit closer to the impossible perfection; a perfect system of self-improvement to be precise.
You've done that and your post is ironically evidence of that considering what you've said in it.
So yeh, next time you feel like shit about this remind yourself its because you're human and you're a good one at that.

On a final note:
I applaud your bravery and how you executed your post good sir

Thank you. Really, thank you. That was very kind, not to mention the good advice. You put some thought into this, even if it might have been effortlessly. That's the impression I got, at least. Well put.

Thanks, again. I dont know what else to say.

 

[kortin]

Hmm, I read it all the way through, and it inspired some thinking to go on in my head (not very common when I'm on the escapist, so cheers to you). I've never thought of myself as one with low self esteem. I've always thought very highly of myself and considered myself a "cool kid" regardless of my nerdy tendencies.

Even then though, no matter how high my self esteem is, I've always had this voice in my head that seems to be attempting to tear down my self esteem. It causes me to second guess myself and think differently than I normally would. One would say that its a good thing. It help moderates your choices and that is really good.

I've almost always hated that voice. I felt it held me back, kept me from getting even smarter than I already am (god, I feel so wrong saying that I am as intelligent as that implies). Now though, OP, you have helped me realize that this voice is not something I need to push away. I still don't think I need to fully embrace it, but I still now to know that I should accept that I will always have it there, causing me to second guess and think differently. For that, I thank you. Also I thank you for giving me something to think about (I seem to be lacking things to actually think about these days).

Cheers

 

[DonMartin]

Seriously, it feels like half the people in this place are either from finland or sweden.

And well yeah, everyone here (finland) seems to drink a lot, but most people don't show it.

Even my grandmother drinks, but i've never seen her the slightest bit drunk.

That being said, i disagree with you completely on what you said about cynics.

I'm a cynic. There is no doubt in my mind that im a cynic. When my grandmother (other grandmother) died, i was sad for about 15 minutes, and maybe a bit at the funeral.

I don't feel the slightest bit guilty when i lie, and I'd probably sacrifice my entire family if it saved my own ass.

I find it hard to respect anyone, because their individual accomplishments and skills are just a collection of random coincidences on top of another set of random coincidences and so on.

None of this makes me feel bad in the slightest. I don't recall ever having any form of self-esteem issues. The only things i ever felt guilty about were accidents.

And also, you're incredibly well spoken and from the little peaces of information about you i managed to get from reading all you just said, you seem intelligent to me as well.

Or not. What the hell do I know.

Anything that works for you, and you feel doesnt hurt you (or others either, I suppose) is something I can not argue with. I am all for the well-being of my fellow man. If that works, then knock yourself out, man. I suppose some people choose to embrace cynicism, I just wanted to comment that a lot of them dont seem to get any help or enjoyment from it. Some people, I suppose, can live healthily with a cynic outlook on life. As soon someone thinks that their life isnt healthy, though, there might be a problem. Or not. What the hell do I know, right?

Thanks for your response, though. It's great to hear from as many parts as possible. Thanks again, man. Grateful.