I play Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess for half an hour

[rutcommapat]

And everyone who claims that I should use a manual: I rented this game, and the rented version doesn't come with a manual, so I'm on my own with this. Of course, it's also worth mentioning that most games nowadays actually give you in-game instructions on what button does what.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Twilight+princess+game+controls
Oh that was sooo hard.
Please that's no excuse anymore.
You say this is your first Zelda game right?
DO you play shooters a lot?

Very smug, yet you still don't seem to have read my comment the entire way: "Most games nowadays actually give you in-game instructions on what button does what". I haven't had to read the manual to figure out any game that I've played on the PS3, Xbox 360, original Xbox, PS2, or even GBA - And the reason for this is that most game developers have reached the general realization that in-game instructions are convenient. Regardless of what you may say, the fact remains that there's no good reason for Nintendo to remove this convenience and force someone to read the manual when there simply aren't games which force you to do that anymore. So yes, I could've googled the controls, but it still wouldn't excuse the game's bad decision.

Most of the time, when I attempt to play a shooter I get bored. Recently I've tried: COD Black Ops, Killzone 2 and 3, Gears of War 1, and Battlefield 2, and got bored with every single one of them. There are shooters which I enjoy - Bioshock, Uncharted 2, and Half Life 2 among them. But I crave variety. There are games I like which are free-roam, puzzle games, platforming games, and even a select few racing and fighting games. So no, I'm not some half-wit who has no patience for a game where I'm not splattering Nazi brains all over the wall.

If finding the only plant in an enclosed space, walking to it and pressing A when it flashes brightly on the screen, is to complicated....

This is another argument I don't get. Yes, since reading the comments in this thread I've figured out that at this point during the opening scene I was supposed to walk up to the plant and press A, as would've been clearly displayed on screen if I had walked up to it. That being said, allow me to remind you all that this is my first Zelda game. I'm assuming that walking up to a plant and playing it as a horn has been a part of the series for a while, so it might seem obvious to those who have played these games. Now, put yourself in my shoes. I'm told that I have to play some grass for a horse. There's nothing that's stopping me from moving on to my next objective, and therefore nothing really motivating me to look very hard. On top of that, I've already seen enough to know that Zelda is a pretty good looking, pretty detailed game. So why should a flower in the grass be considered a tell-tale sign that if I walk up to it I can play it? I simply don't get this type of logic, and I maintain that someone who's never played the series before will not figure out that this tiny flower is the thing they have to run up too, unless they're lucky enough to walk over it on accident. Which I didn't.

This made me laugh quite a lot! Thank you for that!
Do you do more of this stuff? :3

I used to write more of these types of things before I discovered Zero Punctuation. I lost some of my motivation after that, as I figured that there was now someone whom anybody reading my columns could accuse me of copying. Looking at the comments in this thread, those fears were clearly well-founded.

That being said, I will write more of these First Impressions if there are those who enjoy it.

 

[Kohake]

Wow... I'd insult you. But I'm just too amazed. Are you seriously telling me it was that hard to get down the ladder? I managed that without difficulty in OoT, and I was like... 7 years old.

I mean wow.

Seriously?

I didn't enjoy TP at all either. It's the first Zelda game I couldn't bring myself to finish. but wow.

The ladder?

For real?

Like... Really?

Spoiler

I'm speechless....

 

[jackpackage200]

Go play A Link to the Past. You'll thank me later.

agreed

 

[game-lover]

Troll, troll, troll, an un-original one at that. Please just let this thread die.

NEVER!!!!


I'm gonna join the rest of the people who said your experience was amusing. I was laughing and chuckling as I read it. In fact, I like it so much that when you continue to play, I hope you continue to chronicle the rest of your experience.

Just knowing what that game entails, I can imagine it will be entertaining. I can't wait until you get to the boss battles for example!

 

[GrimHeaper]

And everyone who claims that I should use a manual: I rented this game, and the rented version doesn't come with a manual, so I'm on my own with this. Of course, it's also worth mentioning that most games nowadays actually give you in-game instructions on what button does what.

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Twilight+princess+game+controls
Oh that was sooo hard.
Please that's no excuse anymore.
You say this is your first Zelda game right?
DO you play shooters a lot?

Very smug, yet you still don't seem to have read my comment the entire way: "Most games nowadays actually give you in-game instructions on what button does what". I haven't had to read the manual to figure out any game that I've played on the PS3, Xbox 360, original Xbox, PS2, or even GBA - And the reason for this is that most game developers have reached the general realization that in-game instructions are convenient. Regardless of what you may say, the fact remains that there's no good reason for Nintendo to remove this convenience and force someone to read the manual when there simply aren't games which force you to do that anymore. So yes, I could've googled the controls, but it still wouldn't excuse the game's bad decision.

Most of the time, when I attempt to play a shooter I get bored. Recently I've tried: COD Black Ops, Killzone 2 and 3, Gears of War 1, and Battlefield 2, and got bored with every single one of them. There are shooters which I enjoy - Bioshock, Uncharted 2, and Half Life 2 among them. But I crave variety. There are games I like which are free-roam, puzzle games, platforming games, and even a select few racing and fighting games. So no, I'm not some half-wit who has no patience for a game where I'm not splattering Nazi brains all over the wall.

If finding the only plant in an enclosed space, walking to it and pressing A when it flashes brightly on the screen, is to complicated....

This is another argument I don't get. Yes, since reading the comments in this thread I've figured out that at this point during the opening scene I was supposed to walk up to the plant and press A, as would've been clearly displayed on screen if I had walked up to it. That being said, allow me to remind you all that this is my first Zelda game. I'm assuming that walking up to a plant and playing it as a horn has been a part of the series for a while, so it might seem obvious to those who have played these games. Now, put yourself in my shoes. I'm told that I have to play some grass for a horse. There's nothing that's stopping me from moving on to my next objective, and therefore nothing really motivating me to look very hard. On top of that, I've already seen enough to know that Zelda is a pretty good looking, pretty detailed game. So why should a flower in the grass be considered a tell-tale sign that if I walk up to it I can play it? I simply don't get this type of logic, and I maintain that someone who's never played the series before will not figure out that this tiny flower is the thing they have to run up too, unless they're lucky enough to walk over it on accident. Which I didn't.

Did you happen to read the dialog in the game at all? Zelda has a set of controls not unlike shooters you can expect every link to control about the same as the one before that.
But, it's pretty clear you don't play nintendo games that often that's how controls work in a lot of their games.It's made to be easy, so easy that even a 5 year old can control it fine and if you are having trouble with that at all I feel sad for you.

 

[banthesun]

I'm assuming that walking up to a plant and playing it as a horn has been a part of the series for a while, so it might seem obvious to those who have played these games.

Nope, the first time it's shown up in any Zelda game (unless I'm mistaken) is right at that point. Music doing things has been a common mechanic, but never using grass before. To me it sounds like your version is missing the context sesitive instructions for some reason.

 

[General_Potatoes]

Ocarina of time was better. Even if the water temple was a total *****.

 

[GrimHeaper]

A BUH BUH BUH BUH BUUUUUUUUUUH!!!

STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!

Right. The argument "I could do it when I was 5, therefore it's good" does not hold water.

I remember being very young. And believe, me I was not a good judge of video games. I seem to remember that I would put up with all the bad game design and doing the same hard, pointless dull thing over to see the next shiny thing on my TV/computer. I mean, I liked the 3d sonic games when I was 12 for f**k's sake!

So saying that a 5-year-old can do it means it is at least possible. It doesn't mean that it's good or even simple or intuitive. I mean, a 5-year-old can muddle through the puzzle in 5 minutes whether it's challenging and engaging and good or bad and repetitive and probably won't tell the difference. Is it possible you may be looking through the nostalgia goggles here?

I mean 5-year-olds also seem worryingly capable of pulling hot pans of sauce onto their heads, kicking people for no reason and refusing to eat anything layered in chocolate.

Well you were a stupid 5 year old then.
And going by your own statement 5 year old> OP
At least the 5 year old could figure out the controls and get through it without being a puss. Also no Goggles what so ever.
What's wrong with the 3-D sonic games sounds like you have had hateraide.

 

[blackdwarf]

TP is a solid zelda game, but not the best in the serie. that was windwaker. and yeah the first act does takes it time, but that is all for the story.

 

[Shock and Awe]

I would say Windwaker is way better than Twilight Princess. Better puzzles, gameplay, and definitely better visuals. SO FUCKING CUTE

 

[Magikarp]

Yeah, the start of the game pretty much expects you to just walk around a bit & let you get a feel for how the game works. Personally, I prefer this sort of sandbox method than straightforward tutorials, but I'll agree that it could've been executed better.

 

[VerdantShadow]

For someone who has only been gaming for two years, you sure do whine like a real pro.

You were obviously going into it with a very shitty attitude, of course you weren't going to enjoy it. -_-

Explain to me: If going into a game thinking it will suck automatically means the game will suck, why are there surprisingly good games, and why are there disappointing games?

Hehe, this is exactly the feeling I got when playing Mirror's Edge. Playing a game is definitely not going to be a total mental aspect. The reason I play a game is because I think it looks good, (or just so horrendously bad that I just have to play it.)As I started Mirror's Edge I was totally psyched and was ready to win. But then after a good 3 hours of gameplay, I was punching that wall in utter rage as I miscalculated my jump for the umpteenth time and when i got it right, I just hit the pole face first apparently... No matter how great I want to think the game was, I had to realize it wasn't such a great game. If we could make every game amazing by just believing it was great before we played it, there would be plenty of titles that I, myself, would try again.

 

[rutcommapat]

Did you happen to read the dialog in the game at all? Zelda has a set of controls not unlike shooters you can expect every link to control about the same as the one before that.
But, it's pretty clear you don't play nintendo games that often that's how controls work in a lot of their games.It's made to be easy, so easy that even a 5 year old can control it fine and if you are having trouble with that at all I feel sad for you.

But then, I suppose you're right; Save for a few sections, the game does a pretty good job of explaining to you what button does what. The "Figure it out on your fucking own" thing at the beginning was mainly because at the very beginning gives you no instructions on what button does what, and it simply doesn't give any indication of where everything is.

In fact, I'm not totally sure why people keep bringing up a manual, and why I keep going along with it. A lot of my problems would not have been fixed with a manual; A manual would not have fixed the fact that hitting the "A" buttton is the universal button which can do the complete opposite of what you want it to do.

And yes, I've played other Nintendo games, and other Nintendo games don't have this A button problem. Other Nintendo games actually explain where everything is. And I must say, you are coming off as a smug individual who is far too insecure to accept that not everybody devouts their entire lives to the products which Nintendo puts out, and it is ironic that you repeatedly refer to me and others as a five year old (Because that appears to be the only insult which you can dream up with the dark, overall mostly unused inside of your head) when you're reacting to any sort of opposition of your favorite products the way I would expect a five-year-old to react.

 

[Warlord211]

I've only been a gamer for something along the line of two years, but I can still see why people always seem surprised when I tell them that I've never played a Zelda game before today. I don't think there's a single mainstream website which can shut the fuck up about how endlessly perfect Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is. Yet today was the first time I attempted a game from this series which is apparently the ultimate video game franchise, and I decided to record my first impressions.

The beginning

Spoiler

Upon starting my account, I was told that I have to come up with a name, which I figured was a name for my account which I have to come up with for every Wii game, so I simply named it "Pat" as I always do. As soon as I hit the "Enter" button another text screen popped up, and this time I was asked to name my horse. It was at this point that I realized that the previous box had been asking me what I wanted to name my CHARACTER, not my save account. Well, that was a missed opportunity.

Oh well. Being the beacon of maturity that I am, I gave my horse a traditional name, "Ballsack".

15 minutes in

Spoiler

The game begins with "Pat" sitting by the river with some other guy. That other guy tells Pat that at this time of day, they can feel the emotions of dead people far more efficiently than normal. I assumed that the part where they smoke two bags each is simply implied.

After a bit more exposition, Pat goes to sleep in his sky cottage, and then is awoken by a poor man who appears to have the worst type of down syndrome. This man asks Pat to herd his goats, for no apparent reason other than possibly these two characters have an established history which is lost for those who started on this game.

Down Syndrome man tells Pat to go find Ballsack and meet him in his ranch, although he doesn't bother explaining where Ballsack is, or where his ranch is. This point is the first time where the game actually lets you play it, and it quickly becomes apparent that Nintendo have resigned themselves to the "Figure it out on your fucking own" style of teaching gameplay mechanics.

After wandering around a bit I find Ballsack in a shallow pool with a creepy looking elf who looks oddly similar to my 7th grade English teacher, who told me that she was kind enough to wash Ballsack for me. She also asks me to use some grass to play the horse a fucking song. Okay then.

Actually, not okay then, because she doesn't really bother telling me how the hell I'm supposed to do that. After wandering around for a bit, pressing random buttons, and finding myself really grateful for actually owning a horse which had the brains to stay the fuck still when I wasn't riding it, rather than wander its ass in front of a locomotive (Thank you, Red Dead Redemption) I gave up and rode off to find the ranch, leaving the dumb ***** behind. I like to think that she's still standing there now, still expecting me to play her a song.

After talking to a couple of random townsfolk, none of which seemed to have a clue what THEY were talking about, I finally stumbled onto my objective. After running around in circles for a little bit, the goats were safe and the magical redneck elf who had set me with this task used his magical powers to raise fences from the ground so that the game could teach me how to jump fences. BAH ha ha, you thought I was serious. Actually, it forced me to run around in circles for a bit before I returned to the magical redneck, who gave me what was basically the first thing that I'd seen in the game which actually almost passed as an actual tutorial and told me that I have to make my horse sprint towards the fence, in a very specific and timed way, to make him jump it. Lovely.

It was at this point that I realized how stupid of an idea it was to make the A button on the Wii Remote be the "Talk to townsfolk" button, the "Sprint" button, and the "Get off your horse" button - All in one. Often, I'd attempt to talk to someone while on horseback and find myself in the next county, and often I'd attempt to sprint to the next county and find myself getting off my horse.

30 minutes in

Spoiler

Pat finds himself in his cottage, with some assholes in his front yard yelling at him to wake up. I direct Pat over to his ladder (Because stairs are for pussies) and direct him to climb down the ladder, whereupon Pat begins walking into the wall on the right. I back up and direct Pat to climb down the ladder again, whereupon he begins walking into the wall on the right. Finally I walk directly into the Ladder's centimeter-wide range of recognition and begin hanging from the ledge. I push the analog stick "Down", indicating that I want Pat to go "Down" the ladder, whereupon he climbs up the ladder and is back where he started. Holy fuck.

I finally navigate this ladder (And three more). I then realize that since Pat is clearly far too stupid to realize the layout of his own house, he is now in the basement and must climb back out to get out the door.

I finally make it outside. I talk to a group of small children who talk about how somebody has created a bow-and-arrow, and how much they want it. I then turn my direction to Ballsack, who is standing by the house, alongside some other twat who tells me that Ballsack is tired, and that I should avoid riding her today. Well, I've had a certain sympathy for horses ever since that FUCKING MOVIE NEVERENDING STORY ruined my childhood happiness, so I leave Ballsack to be annoyed by small children, which is apparently preferable to a brisk walk.

I assume that I am in some way expected to find out where in the hell I'm supposed to get a bow and arrow. I do what I did yesterday - Walk up to random townsfolk and strike up a conversation. Some clearly mental woman tells me that she left her fucking child in a cradle in the water, and that now it's drifted away. Well, what in the fuck did you expect? She nonchalantly says something along the lines of "If only there was something to be done, he can't have drifted far" and I recognize that the game is slyly setting me up with a quest, and my first thought is, "Alright, maybe I'm actually getting somewhere!"

I examine the water, and figure out which direction it's drifting, then begin swimming in that direction, wondering why in the hell someone else couldn't do this. Lo and behold, I find that the stream ends on a small river with some retarded imp-looking thing jumping up and down holding a cradle without a baby in it.

My first thought is that the fucking thing must have eaten the baby. But then it occurs to me that the stupid mother who let this cradle go never actually said there was a baby in it, which only makes things more confusing - Why the fuck would she put the cradle in the river without there being a baby in it? A little while back I figured that she had simply been watching too much "The Prince of Egypt", but now any sort of logical explanation for being so fucking retarded had tap-danced its jolly way out the door.

And of course, the game didn't let Pat climb the god damn rock so that I could punch that smug bastard in the face, and it occurred to me that this was probably a quest which couldn't be completed unless I found out how in the hell I get that stupid bow and arrow, so I began my lonely swim back.

I talked to a couple of other random people, and every last one of them referenced some sort of item that I assumed I would be able to use later in the game, but none of them really had a whole lot to say in terms of being helpful. One woman asked Pat if he was being made fun of, and that he had full permission to scold the bullies - Clearly she didn't notice that Pat is a fucking mute.

Finally, I found some random blocks which seemed to be within climbing distance of Pat. Of course, the game had yet to tell me what button means "Jump", but since every game I've ever played on the Wii assigned the jump command to the A button (And that appeared to be the button which controlled the entire universe) I pressed the A button. Pat smoothly pulled himself onto the first block, and thinking I was finally getting somewhere, I pressed A intending to climb the second block, whereupon Pat faceplanted against it for really no reason at all.

This was about the point where I stopped playing. I suppose die-hard fans will tell me "It gets better", but Jesus, in a day and age filled with games that I can pick up and play and enjoy from the very beginning, why should I play something that begins so badly? I'll play it more, but Zelda really is bad when it comes to first impressions.

Well that was funny as hell. But yeah Twilight Princess is not the best Zelda game by any means. I would tell you to play OoT or Majora's Mask. Majora's Mask is my personal favorite and one of my favorite games of all time. Wind Waker is also a good place to start, it was a lot easier and it did explain a lot more than the others did.

 

[Belvadier]

The last Zelda game I've played was Twilight Princess and I thought it was pretty good and it didn't frustrate me nearly as much as it seems to have you however, that being said...

I laughed out loud at your re-telling of the events that ensued. Whether true or not, it was very funny.

 

[KingCrInuYasha]

As a Zelda game, it's okay. I can name five other games in the franchise that were better than this (A Link To The Past, Link's Awakening, Ocarina Of Time, Majora's Mask, Wind Waker), but at least it's not a total mess. If you wanna play this, you're better off with Gamecube.