Imperial Guard

[Aunel]

why is everybody here so tau fanboy?
why no eldar, if I were a guardsman, I would if I could have gone to eldar
but they would have used me as a meat shield too...

Tau actually accept humans, Eldar shoot you.

Awesome Fire Warrior or dead Eldar shield?

I would rather be dead then work with fish-people

They are blue, not fish. They have no gills or fins.

AHH heresy, blue means fish in my book
(remember that we are the guard)

 

[Simriel]

Apply to be a Liaison/Diplomat to the 'Sisters of Battle'.

As such I'd avoid warfare and be surrounded by an army of women. It could always be worse...

Remember, these are women who are religious fanatics. You make a pass at them or do something as silly as coughing at a service, before you can scream 'heratic' out come the flamers...

SOB are not Celibate. They are allowed, and DO have sex.

Oh yeah I know that. Just saying that what they have higher standards than most people is all. The kind of standards that will see you dead rather than 'tainting the purity' of a Sister of Battle.

Well apparently they sleep with overweight scribes.

Fair enough. I'm not as up to date with my 40K lore as I used to be now that I've had to get a life. Whats that info from then?

The Ciaphas Cane Novels

 

[nikomas1]

Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.

Roll a D100

61-65 Valkyrie Pilot


Use this to roll
http://www.wizards.com/dnd/dice/dice.htm

I rolled 62, Valkyrie Pilot, I guess that is good?

Hmm, I wonder if the tau would like a free Valkyrie, another tau fanboy

 

[USSR]

I would walk up to the Heroic RPGer, and state the following, "Halt, you've violated the law. Pay the court of fine or serve your sentence!"

 

[JtLaneside]

I would get shot first day for pointing out that the Emperor is really a warp being thus really a chaos god.
No, really, he is. Check his back story. He is a damn chaos god.

His backstory says that he is a man with divine powers (possibly aquired through genetic manipulation and/or religion) who sustained mortal wounds fighting a deamon prince and is now sustained somewhere between life and death and exsists partialy in the warp. How does this make him a warp being?

 

[Bretty]

I would pilot a fleet space fighter 8)

 

[Imat]

I dunno why you all are so down about being an Imperial Guard, those guys are the best of the best. Any job that lets you stand around doing nothing except looking intimidating 99% of the time is a good job in my book. The fact that you're defending the Emperor makes it a more difficult job, guys with lightsabers try to kill him occasionally, but for the most part you do nothing but stand around. Sure, you have to earn that right through many years of service as a Storm Trooper/field officer, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Oh, and BTW, Commissars are not Nazis, they are Soviets. Soviets killed there own, Nazis killed the enemy.

 

[rowan-thats-me]

Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.

Roll a D100

1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the Sisters of Battle.

Use this to roll
http://www.wizards.com/dnd/dice/dice.htm

i did it twice 66, then 68, looks like im destined to be a cray tank driver woohoo, go traks and a few shitty guns

 

[Sanguinius- The Angel]

Your have been tithed to the Imperial Guard.

Roll a D100

1 You are killed as a Heretic.
2-3 You are found to be a Psyker and sent to a Black Ship.
4-5 You given a bucket and a shovel and told to clean up after the Ogryn.
6-10 You are to be trained as an Officer.
11-15 You are handed a Lasgun, a Helmet, and a direction (forward) and become a conscript.
16-20 You are trained to operate a Vox Castor.
21-25 You are train as Sniper and given a Camo-Cloak.
26-30 You are trained with Special Weapons. Post Ending 0-2 (Flamer) 3-5 (Grenade Launcher) 6-7 (Meltagun) 8-9 (Plasma Gun)
31-35 You are trained with Heavy Weapons. Post End 0-1 (Heavy Flamer) 2-3 (Mortar) 4-5 (Heavy Bolter) 6-7 (Auto-Cannon) 8 (Missile Launcher) 9 (Lascannon)
36-55 You are trained with a Lasgun and Frag Grenades, and given Flak Armor.
56-60 You are given Carapace Armor, a Shotgun, Grenades, and Melta-Bombs and then trained to be an elite grenadier.
61-65 Valkyrie Pilot
66-70 Chimera Diver
71-75 Scout Sentinel Driver
76-80 Armored Sentinel Driver
81-85 Leman Russ Tank Driver
86-90 Leman Russ Tank Gunner
91-95 Leman Russ Tank Commander
96-97 You have been selected to go to Terrax and train to be a Commissar.
98-99 An Inquisitor take you as his Acolyte.
100 An Inquisitor has decided to send you to a Shrine World to become a "comfort" to the Sisters of Battle.

Use this to roll
http://www.wizards.com/dnd/dice/dice.htm

Rolled a 100. *Win*

 

[Burnout54]

I wouldn't know... i would be dead before i could evaluate my first day.

 

[GonzoGamer]

How do you think you would do if you were an Imperial Guardsmen in the Warhammer 40k universe?

Me personally I believe I would be shot dead by my Commissar on the very first day after fleeing from the enemy after realising the lasgun is a piece of crap.

So how would you all do if you were an Imperial Guardsmen?

The same thing would probably happen to me if I stuck around but I would probably go awol and join the Tau; for the greater good of course.

 

[blackcherry]

Apply to be a Liaison/Diplomat to the 'Sisters of Battle'.

As such I'd avoid warfare and be surrounded by an army of women. It could always be worse...

Remember, these are women who are religious fanatics. You make a pass at them or do something as silly as coughing at a service, before you can scream 'heratic' out come the flamers...

SOB are not Celibate. They are allowed, and DO have sex.

Oh yeah I know that. Just saying that what they have higher standards than most people is all. The kind of standards that will see you dead rather than 'tainting the purity' of a Sister of Battle.

Well apparently they sleep with overweight scribes.

Fair enough. I'm not as up to date with my 40K lore as I used to be now that I've had to get a life. Whats that info from then?

The Ciaphas Cane Novels

Ha, it would be that, of all novels.

 

[Zac_Dai]

I bet it would of felt a bit like being a Soviet conscript during WW2.

 

[samsprinkle]

For me it would be either the Tau or the Tyranids just because I like aliens and hate humans.
Most likely Tau specifically because I love Kroot.

Hell yeah these guys over humans anyday, if you disagree I'll eat you.

Well too bad you want to be a Kroot for as Inquisitor Lucretius VII says, "It is our destiny to rule the universe just as it is the destiny of the xeno to pave our way."

So too bad you want to be an alien for it will be your destiny to die at the hands of the Imperium of Man.

Don't you start with the whole 'humans are superiour to everything else in every way' BS you know as well as I do that humans are weak. The imperium of man has a single destiny, I'll be picking the imperium of man's remains out of my teeth thank you very much.

Try to do that to a Space Marine and you will be crushed under his boot for the glory of the Emperor of Man.

Space marines are pussies who cower in big armour and follow ludicrous ideologies of superiority so as to give them some false belief that they have the right to do truly immoral things. Any emporer who leads his people like that should be six feet under not at the top. I'll never compromise this view.
So if mister big pussy Space marine tries anything I'll simply eat his foot, then slowly tear him to pieces and make him watch as I carve him up. I hate human supremacists Bob, you know that.

In a final answer to your question I would be an Kroot philosopher. And I would be hired by the Imperial guard as part of a 'new way of thinking' demographic after I killed the old Emporer and fed his remains to my Kroot Hounds and Krootox nad replaced him with the new emporer future space Barack Obama.

Or so you would, but due to your tiny kroot brain's inferiority you were captured and fed to other kroot who have been trained to be slaves because their brain is likewise tiny and inferior...

 

[PurpleRain]

Yeah, I'd probably try to get reassigned to the tank division as soon as possible. Not that the chances are better or anything, its just I'd rather be blown up in a tank than suffer the many other myriad really nasty and unpleasant deaths awaiting the unarmoured guardsman.

Actually, your almost guaranteed to burn alive in a tank.

Reading a few of the Dark Eldar weapon entries, being burned alive sounds like a frickin' pic-nic. Tank division for me, please!

Bwahahaha! *He says rubbing his Dark Eldar mits*

Basically, it's glass being shot into your body, that breaks into more glass. Designed not to kill you but to put you in so much pain you can't fight anymore. Then we take you back to our planet... and that's where the fun begins.

 

[KiKiweaky]

seeing as I could be fighting daemons.. very badly

 

[KING BOB 2896]

In a final answer to your question I would be an Kroot philosopher. And I would be hired by the Imperial guard as part of a 'new way of thinking' demographic after I killed the old Emporer and fed his remains to my Kroot Hounds and Krootox nad replaced him with the new emporer future space Barack Obama.

Do you know how heavely guarded the Emperor is? A Tau ship would be blasted away before you could even reach Terra. And even if the Emperor died it that would just bring the birth of a new savior. For as all the druids died to give birth to the Emperor apon the Emperors death it will give birth to the Star Child. And with that all xeno, hertics and witches will be purged by the Imperium.

 

[KING BOB 2896]

I would walk up to the Heroic RPGer, and state the following, "Halt, you've violated the law. Pay the court of fine or serve your sentence!"

Wrong universe.

 

[USSR]

I would walk up to the Heroic RPGer, and state the following, "Halt, you've violated the law. Pay the court of fine or serve your sentence!"

Wrong universe.

No shit..
T'was a joke