My Girlfriend Cheated on Me

[A-D.]

Also, your first paragraph - damn. Sounds like you got it going on!
I'll bet you get a lot of flak for it though.

Nah, not really, my Girlfriend does the same. Honestly kissing lost its meaning there that it should only be done between People in a Relationship and all. As said, never goes any further, im quite capable of controlling myself from trying more than that and i do trust her to do the same.

Anyhows, to the rest, well yeah. Trust is the Issue with it. Of course Trust is out of the Window at this Point, but as said, if you think practically about it, its not really all that bad. I mean there are only two Options anyway, either you try again to make it work, taking the risk that it doesnt work either because she "cheats" again in some way, or you just realize that you arent into your current Partner anymore, or you call it quits right off the bat, though also risking that it might have worked.

Point being, physical attraction is one thing. What would be the crucial Part here is to ask her if she had actual Feelings, more than a slight fancy for a One Night Stand. If she has Feelings for that co-worker Friend, then yeah call it off, because eventually shit will hit the fan. If she doesnt, she will get over it, or at least you can hope that she does.

 

[cthulhumythos]

see, in situations like this people like to suggest lots of fanciful things; but in my experiences, a trusty old iron shovel will clear that up right as rain.

seriously though, you probably shouldn't treat her like a goddess all the time and tell her whats off-limits and all that nonsense. when that doesn't work, trusty old iron shovel.

 

[Nexis01]

apparently im late to the thread, but from my experience, and from things iv seen mates do/happen to mates she will either:
a) not cheat on you ever again because she realised how much she cares about you and how important the relationship is etc. (which i doubt, considering she openly told you that if it werent for you she'd be with the other guy... sorry)
b) see that she got away with it and end up doing it again and will either not tell you next time or will tell you (which of knowing and not knowing are worse though?)

imo if you cant trust her you cant trust her.. considering the guys works with her i dont think it will be an isolated event.. and good chances are that he will be trying for some more himself

All the best though!

 

[Fugitive Panda]

I agree with you, but she has mentioned to the original poster that she wanted her co-worker to kiss her, and that, if not for the original poster, she would be with her co-worker. I think both of those facts changes things a little. It honestly sounds like a one-sided relationship to me.

Yeah, looks like I missed that part. It's a pretty big red flag when your partner is actively acknowledging potential replacements, but as I said, crushing on someone isn't proof of a cheating heart. Those feelings can vanish as quickly as they appear, with no real harm done - but it does work both ways. I think the bigger issue here is the OP and his perfect boyfriend act.

He says he's rational and does all of these things for her out of the kindness of his heart, but is awfully quick to use it as a defense when something goes wrong. What happens when that puppy love wears off and they start having regular arguments? The impression I'm getting is that he believes that if you bend over backwards and provide everything the lady might want, she'll see you as the perfect man and appreciate you too much to risk crossing him. Logical, and probably unconscious, but it's an issue he really needs to address. What the OP is doing is manipulation at best, blackmail at worst. No 19 year-old spends $2,000 on a girl in three months unless something is very wrong.

Ultimately, it depends on how much you actually like this girl, and if you trust her to be responsible with her side of the relationship. But considering all facets of the OP, I don't think he'll be able to let it slide. if it doesn't work out, hopefully it'll be a learning experience for the both of them.

 

[Eisenfaust]

use the guilt to establish a better negotiating position to wring the last dregs out of the relationship before dumping her with a judgemental laugh

maybe a demeaning sex act, or something she wouldn't normally do

you have an advantage, so press it until it dries up

 

[Sm0gg]

She told you & she feels bad? & you want to dump her?

grow up man, people make mistakes sometimes, could be worse.

 

[Ickorus]

If you're anything like me you'll probably not trust her again for a long time and if she's anything like my ex-girlfriend you'll have good reason to not trust her.

Im an extremely cynical and jaded young man when it comes to relationships and I don't know your situation but I wouldn't stay with her if I were you, she sounds like she wants a relationship with drama and you clearly don't.

Is that a backwards P on the second word?

 

[Ickorus]

She told you & she feels bad? & you want to dump her?

grow up man, people make mistakes sometimes, could be worse.

There is a difference between feeling bad and saying you feel bad.

 

[aei_haruko]

I found out this morning, from my girlfriend, that last night she let another guy kiss her.

Yeah I know...Only a kiss but she wanted it from another guy and I can't trust her anymore...She was so damn perfect too. We've only been together for 3 months and if this could happen while we are happy what will happen in a year...

What the fuck do I do?


Edit: I called her this morning and she told me. She feels guilty and wishes she could take it back but I have honestly been a great boyfriend. I pay for everything, drive her every where (she lives 40 minutes away from me by car), all her friends like me. I don't get angry, I don't hit her.

I SPOON HER EVERY NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I WAKE UP WITH A NUMB ARM! Like Jesus...

He's a friend of hers from work. He kissed her, she told me she could of stopped it but didn't.

I know it could be worse, I'm not an idiot but the fact that she did do it kind of destroys trust.


Every time she goes to talk to another guy what do I do? Believe in her like I did the first time? Is it possible to be in a happy relationship when every guy you meet is just another guy for her to hurt me with?

Also, I've never been jealous over her ex or male friends.

It was a "I like you kiss". Not old friends, not on the cheek.

She told me specifically that she can't be his friend because she would date him if I wasn't her boyfriend and that she wanted the kiss.



EDIT!:!:!:!:!: Thanks for the replies everyone. I really wish there was some miracle answer for this but as I guessed there isn't.

Its nice to see some people telling me I should get back with her.

I'm going to talk with her tonight. Try and sort it out...Who knows maybe I can get her to agree to a permanent leash?

That was a joke...I need one of those.

I realise there are people with much worse in their lives I just wanted some advice. I know it isn't the end of the world.

ouch man, ya can email me any time ya want to to talk it out.
I think that you should take her back, but maybe promise you something first

 

[EclipseoftheDarkSun]

I did nothing wrong. I've blown about $2000 on her the last 3 months, I drive her every where. She spent the last week at my place, went home for work and let the guy that gave her a lift home after work a kiss because she wanted it.

Also, if it wasn't for me she would date him but she wants me...

I'm no relationship expert, but it sounds like you're being too accommodating. In fact, she might be getting the impression that you're a complete doormat and not worthy of respect. You shouldn't be spending too much money on her, or clearly, wasting too much of your time on her. If you were rich, then maybe $2000 wouldn't be much of an impost on you, but if you're not, I'd cut her loose personally. Do you really want to be throwing good money after bad? Because it sounds like things will probably continue to decline - maybe you're at the point where you'd like to settle down, but she isn't, and maybe never was or even will be. She might not consider you parent material for her offspring or may be wanting to play the field.

 

[T.D.]

Although I don't agree with Eclipse, I do think he has a point in that you sound like a bit of a doormat.

And in my experience noone respects a doormat.

My advice, is yes try to mend the relationship, but be more assertive, show her that you are angry and hurt by what she did.

And then move on. Okay. The thing is that humans are animals and we do lust after others even if we are in a relationship. I mean plenty of times I've been in a relationship and thought someone else is hot. But that doesn't mean I would cheat. Just that I can appreciate someone other than my girlfriend.

Hopefully I've posted this before it's too late.

 

[Flare Phoenix]

Yeah, looks like I missed that part. It's a pretty big red flag when your partner is actively acknowledging potential replacements, but as I said, crushing on someone isn't proof of a cheating heart. Those feelings can vanish as quickly as they appear, with no real harm done - but it does work both ways. I think the bigger issue here is the OP and his perfect boyfriend act.

He says he's rational and does all of these things for her out of the kindness of his heart, but is awfully quick to use it as a defense when something goes wrong. What happens when that puppy love wears off and they start having regular arguments? The impression I'm getting is that he believes that if you bend over backwards and provide everything the lady might want, she'll see you as the perfect man and appreciate you too much to risk crossing him. Logical, and probably unconscious, but it's an issue he really needs to address. What the OP is doing is manipulation at best, blackmail at worst. No 19 year-old spends $2,000 on a girl in three months unless something is very wrong.

Ultimately, it depends on how much you actually like this girl, and if you trust her to be responsible with her side of the relationship. But considering all facets of the OP, I don't think he'll be able to let it slide. if it doesn't work out, hopefully it'll be a learning experience for the both of them.

There is a bit of a difference between "I have a slight crush on someone" and "If you weren't around, I would instantly go hump their brains out". The fact that he's described her as being perfect definitely signifies he is looking at her with beer goggles on. I hate to generalize, but no one who kisses another guy after their boyfriends spends that amount of money on them should be classified as perfect.

I'm not someone who thinks "oh well, it was just a kiss" or "well at least she came clean". To me, those just mean she wasn't as bad as she could have been, but they don't really mean she should be let off the hook. It might just start with an innocent kiss, but unchecked it will likely lead to a whole lot more. As for the fact she came clean, well it's great that she did, but she probably shouldn't have done it in the first place. I don't believe it should just be discarded as "well people make mistakes"

As for the perfect boyfriend act, I completely agree. Any guy that goes around saying "I spoon her every night!" is really trying too hard. It's really the "nice guy" routine in another form. The whole "I'll treat her better than anyone else could possibly treat her, so she should be with me forever and ever!"

 

[Bluntknife]

Just break up with her.

She only kissed someone this time but it'll be worse next time.

Things like this have a tendency to repeat themselves.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Just going to say that my girlfriend was in an unhappy relationship before she met me, I'm sure you can figure out how we met.
When it was discovered she went back to him in hopes of fixing it with him and being with him, we didn't see anything of one another for 5 months.
He continued to be an ass about it, she left him and has now been with me for 2 years.

Do yourself a favour, trust her. She went back to you, she told you straight up and she clearly feels bad about it.
Turning it on her will be a huge mistake.

Boy did you take that lesson wrong, why the heck would you go back to an unhappy relationship?
If you or your partner feel unhappy then you should end it, if you are so unhappy that you feel the need to find someone new then you should have ended it ages ago, don't make each other miserable for old times sake, move on and find someone new.

Clearly that's the only way it worked out in your case, and it would have gone alot smoother if everyone was honest about it.

 

[LuckyClover95]

Aw dood, give her another chance. Ask her to stay away from him, that's fair, and say it's her last chance, but I think you should give her another chance. Just my opinion though

 

[Klarinette]

It'd be worth it to talk it out and figure out why it happened. If she was feeling unfulfilled in any way (don't be offended, OP... you mentioned everything you do for her and that's really awesome of you, but there could still be something missing, maybe that doesn't require money or numb arms), then her mind would probably wander a little bit. It's kind of human nature. But either way, try to get it figured out. If it's something that can be taken care of and she can show you she can be trusted again, then it's probably not worth breaking up.

 

[TheDooD]

Shoot I wouldn't take this so seriously because that guy most likely isn't the first one she kissed. You need to be more open minded, she's not yours she'll never be that. You can care for her, love her without that kinda "ownership" of a sexual relationship. I know people that love each other and really enjoy each others company. Yet when it comes to sex they accept that they can still have that one night stand or fuck buddy and there's nothing wrong with that. There's no written rule that says she cheated on you for one little kiss. You both enjoy each other's company and care for each other right? If so then a some sexual contact outside of the relationship can make it stronger. Every thing gets a bit boring so a bit a change never hurts.

 

[lettucethesallad]

snip

I literally didn't read most of what you said because you started by saying *sigh*. That honestly just makes me turn off.

And from what I did read, you seem to be like everyone else I've ever met. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate with people other than your significant other.

Personally, I won't even humour a relationship unless it's open. Sex is carnal, if you're truly interested in your partner and they in you. Having mindless sex with other people now n then really isn't that big of a deal and shouldn't strain the relationship.

Also, you seem to misunderstand what I said. It was cool that the girls boyfriend let her hug the 'user'. If he's fine with that, what the hell kind of issue can you possibly have with it? Why the OP's situation is different is because he didn't say that he was okay with that kind of behaviour and she couldn't know if he'd be okay with it. So she did fuck up.

I can say it probably wouldn't have bothered me. But then, I honestly don't get the current relationship standard. I personally can't wait until we break down the stupid social barriers around sex and just see it as the recreational activity it is. Bring back the days of ancient Greece and Rome I say.

A relationship with someone should be based on compatibility and something a bit deeper than sex. Sex should be just that. Sex.

This man speaks the truth.

I literally didn't read most of what you said because you started by saying *sigh*. That honestly just makes me turn off.

Sex is carnal, if you're truly interested in your partner and they in you. Having mindless sex with other people now n then really isn't that big of a deal and shouldn't strain the relationship.
Bring back the days of ancient Greece and Rome I say.

A relationship with someone should be based on compatibility and something a bit deeper than sex. Sex should be just that. Sex.

.. .. *About to say something but just puts hands up* ..No way to convince nor tell you otherwise. You probably just feel that sex is a classified sort of action while love is just with your partner alone. Okay, won't argue with you on that.

But, I must say one thing- JUST one thing: Sex without someone else while you're in a relationship, and having your partner not mind you sleeping with someone else is utterly wrong. What happens if that gets your girlfriend pregnant? What if your girlfriend starts to enjoy sex with others and decides to leave you for it? SO many mishaps because of you believing that mindless sex is okay to have with other people spite being committed to your partner.

That's all I will say because sir.. I not only disagree with you, but I really find your beliefs about relationships and sex to be very.. .very.. harmful to others. It's not just an opinion, it's a pretty big stain on the wall that wouldn't fit with many people what so ever. ..Would want you to have a girlfriend and see how you feel about your beliefs if she went off being with other guys in bed, to a point your relationship has nothing else to build on? I dare not want you to ever feel that pain I imagine right now, but am only saying that belief shall lead you to heartache. No offense..

Ever heard of a little thing called polyamorous people? Saying that it'd be harmful or wrong for two consenting adults to have, in definition, an open relationship is kinda close-minded. Whatever floats peoples' boats. Two of my roomies are in a relationship that dates back 4 years. They're monogamous, but they both acknowledge that you'll get crushes on other people even if you're in a loving, committed relationship. They know that what they have is bigger than that, and thus are completely cool with it. One of them would even be cool with having an open relationship, but respects the other's wish to not have that.

Infidelity in general is seldom about the actual action. The line is drawn in different places for every couple. Some people find a kiss cheating, others draw the line at sex. I've known some to even draw the line at pornography. You don't build the relationship on actions, you build it on trust and compatibility. If you and your partner are on the same page with what your boundries are, then it's not society's place to come wag their finger at you.

 

[Fugitive Panda]

I'm not someone who thinks "oh well, it was just a kiss" or "well at least she came clean". To me, those just mean she wasn't as bad as she could have been, but they don't really mean she should be let off the hook. It might just start with an innocent kiss, but unchecked it will likely lead to a whole lot more. As for the fact she came clean, well it's great that she did, but she probably shouldn't have done it in the first place. I don't believe it should just be discarded as "well people make mistakes"

Keep in mind that the OP and his girlfriend are still very young, just barely on their way out of their teens. That calls for a little bit of leniency, I think. Sure, ideally she wouldn't have let the guy kiss her in the first place, but they're in the period of sexual experimentation. Obviously this doesn't absolve anyone of anything, but the fact that she came clean and told the OP not only what happened, but also how she feels about the other guy, seems to imply that she's realized for herself how dangerous those kinds of actions are, and hopefully has decided to be wary of them in the future.

If that's the case, their relationship can recover, and might even become stronger for it.

 

[sumanoskae]

You have a reason to be angry, but you seem like you're feeling a little paranoid. It sounds like you want assurance that thing'll be okay, but such a thing doesn't exist. Things are never "Okay".

Think about this; you're lucky. You're lucky she even has the courtesy to tell you what happened, you're lucky she seems to care enough about your relationship to cut ties, you're lucky you even have someone that's capable of hurting you.

Pain is as essential to life as breathing, it's something that we all have to face, and it's a part of who we are. I won't tell you that your relationship will end happily, I won't tell you to stay together because it's healthy, I'm telling you not to give up because if you do, you'll regret it. You'll spend a good long time wondering and wishing about what could have been, maybe not forever, but for a long time.

Maybe things will go to hell, maybe you'll get bored, but I know you'll be hurt, no matter what you do, but you can't let the fear of pain stop you from being happy.

All things are fleeting, so instead of trying to hold on to them forever, cherish every moment you have with them. Live in the knowledge that they are temporary, and use it to keep them in perspective. Don't expect things to be ideal or eternal, just be happy that they're there.

Sit her down have a long talk, vent what you need to, get as many sincere apologies as you need, try patch things up and see where it goes. Sounds like you've got some real passion here, don't waste it.

Just because it hurts doesn't mean it's not worth going through. At the end of it all, you might at least be able to remember that, for better or for ill, you took things as far as they could go, that you had something special, that you were truly happy, if only for a moment.