Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism, sometimes Dominance and Submission in the middle and then somehow still Sadism Masochism on the end anymore. BDSM lifestyle folks are generally very accepting people so they try to accommodate everyone even with their acronym!EcoEclipse said:
Some quick definitions as they are generally used by the kinky community.
Bondage: Any kind of restraint, generally physical, from ropes to leather to steel manacles. Some folks are aroused by being restrained and some by doing the restraining.
Discipline: Teaching and/or correction. This can be simple things like having someone just sit quietly at your feet for a length of time or complicated schemes to teach them to serve and service someone in a variety of ways from domestic servitude and cleaning to sexual service and favors. B&D are the first place people tend to get hung up on this whole ting as a taboo or "kinky role playing" or whatever.
Sadism: Taking enjoyment from the infliction of pain or suffering. Some sadists don't care if the target of their attention enjoys their ministrations and others are generally bored if they aren't pushing boundaries and doing things their subject genuinely dislikes.
Masochism: Taking enjoyment from pain or suffering. This can be obvious things like being whipped or slapped, beaten, etc. or it can be denial of pleasures such as enforced chastity devices or even simple verbal humiliation. This is the second place people get hung up on, folks can generally understand Sadism but Masochism is, by it's very nature, self contradicting. How can you "like" something you "don't like? Must be something wrong with you!" It's a lot more complicated than that. Would you accuse someone that eats fast food of being a masochist? Doing harm to your body with fast food isn't something you should like though so you must be a masochist! See, it's complicated.
Dominance: Taking the position of control and power in a relationship. Every relationship has a top, whether kinky relationship or not. Who is the top can change, often even, but it's simply the concept that there is a top and a bottom to nearly all things in life. In mainstream media kink dominance is most often displayed by Dominatrix women taking control.
Submission: Taking the position of submissive or bottom, to be without power or control in a relationship. Lots of bottoms or "subs" like to give up the perceived responsibilities of being in control to the dominant gaining a freedom of a different sort.
Power Exchange: in the D/s (Dominant, submissive) relationship the giving and taking of power is often called power exchange. Lots of complicated things go on here. Bondage and Discipline are obvious ways to take, hold and exercise power over another. Dominance and submission are positions obtained through the exchange of power. Sometimes the submissive can try to take control through subtle means while not overtly coming out of their submissive position, this is often called "topping from the bottom" and can happen in any number of ways, too numerous to go into in a simple forum post, but it should give you a good idea of the layers of complication that go into BDSM relationships. Just because someone is apparently bound and helpless doesn't mean they aren't actually pulling the strings and controlling things to a degree not obvious to the casual observer!
My wife and I switch although we started out with me as the master and her as the submissive. I feel this is a natural progression and have seen it played out in a variety of kinky relationships over the last 10 years or so, but not always. This is simply because kinky couples, whether they are "out" or public or not, are taken from the same varied pool of human beings we all come from. This means you get conservatives and liberals, closed and open minded people, the whole gamut. The only reason I said they are "generally very accepting people" is because it's hard to go through the repression and general sex-negative attitudes and not come out the other side with a broader, open, mind without feeling hypocritical. Which is to say, the more you expose yourself and participate in the BDSM and other kinks society the more you'll realize we're all just regular people.
Example: For our anniversary my wife and I went to a BDSM retreat ran by a professional Dominant and her life partner. It had a completely "normal" front office but once you were out back there was plenty of equipment and dungeon themed bungalows to stay in. We spent our time chatting with other folks in a setting we know we wouldn't be judged or punished for having our kinky side known and out. Other couples included a former mayor and his part time CMT wife, a chef that teaches at an acclaimed culinary academy and his gay partner, a fellow that worked for the county as a construction inspector with his stay at home mom wife... and a couple who were in a 24/7 master and slave relationship meaning the guy had to sit on the floor or grass in restraints everywhere they went. Okay so the last couple may be a bit freaky for some folks but the rest were normal, successful, beautiful people who got up to some kinky, kinky stuff over the course of our stay.
For those of you having problems finding people to play or talk with I strongly recommend some online options. I met (lots of women and eventually) my wife through alt.com and there are other dating sites like it out there. Society of Janus was invaluable for me for learning and educating myself on the SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) aspects of playing with people in a variety of kinky manners. SoJ also holds "munches" where you go to a public place for lunch or dinner and talk with other like-minded people. This really helps reinforce the "you are not alone or weird" aspect of BDSM and kinky play. After that there are plenty of more specialized groups like Exiles or GMSMA for you to turn to once you figure out what you identify as.
Let me assure folks that they all have some kind of fetish or turn on and that it is completely natural and normal. It doesn't have to be what the mainstream considers "fetish" ala BDSM or leather or feet/shoes etc. It's also completely fine to not be turned on by BDSM. Try to think of the BDSM as a singular fetish under the larger umbrella of fetishes. Liking women with large breasts can be a fetish, liking dudes with large penises can be a fetish. Some of them are created and reinforced by society, particularly the last two I mentioned. Just try to keep an open mind to how simple and honest most kink and BDSM really is.
