Poll: Friends dating your ex

[Red Albatross]

I've had my best friend and roommate go after a few of my ex-girlfriends, and successfully date one of them, but we're not talking any love involvement here, so I wasn't too bothered.

If he had done the same to the woman that I've actually been in love with, he could go straight to hell for that.

 

[Aanorith]

It's nice to see so many different opinions. I approve of the diversity.

This bro-code is demeaning and panders to a illustrious stereotype of male companionship while doing nothing more than tarnishing the concept of sincere human interaction

Now this id have to say is open to debate. We live in a day and age where everything is supposed to be sophfisticated, equal and mature. And I agree, we sould. But I'm seeing alot of men are the enemy. Sometimes I feel a grow up is more then sufficient during sterotypical male behavior. Alot of it I don't like. Other times I can feel just let the man be a man for one damn second! Walking sterotypes aren't made by choice, they are raised to be.

It's the old ways of raising children, crippling the current generation. "Big boys don't cry" and "ow my little princess, did you bruise your knee? Want mommy to kiss it?" Right at the start we're being treated differently by people in authority, parents, adults, teachers and so on.

As a boy, generally your given alot of room to act out "boys will be boys" they say.
Compared to "that behavior is not suited for a young lady".

The reason behind the bro-code is because we're forced into it. Big boys don't cry, we don't share out feelings, we man up, we take responsibility. So in our teenage years journying into adult-hood. We share ourselves with a few selected bunch, our broes.

That is MY take on it. I don't speak for anyone else but myself. In some ways, yes the bro-code is a silly made up chestpounding male bravado, but it's also a bond of close trust simply between friends.

Now i'm not speaking about my original post, just simply broes in general in my eyes.

 

[Souplex]

True followers of the code know that if your bro is cool with it, it is cool to schtupp your bro's ex ho.

 

[BonsaiK]

About 2 years ago, one of my best friends started dating my ex girlfriend. I suppose she and I didn't have a very good break-up. At that time, she was very depressed, alot. She didn't like my friends, she didn't like leaving the house. Going to the movies was boring, eating out was waste of money, my friends were stupid. Of course, I prolly did alot of stuff that was bad too. It takes 2 to tango. But this is just my side of the story and not really relevant.

I eventually broke up with her because I just couldn't take her negativity anymore.
Just alittle back-story, enjoy.

Anyway, after awhile my started to act very strangly. He rarely answered his phone when I called, turned the rest of the guys when asked to hang out and so on. When his birthday was coming up, we had planned a big party for him with all his friends, but he said that wouldnt be necessary. He had big plans with a secret girl in a fancy hotel. We were all happy for him that he found someone he liked, but still we wanted to throw this party for him and said he could bring her.

He turned us down and we were all confused. 3 months later, one of our common friends finally blurts out on a party while drunk. "Dude.. I don't wanna lie anymore. He's bin dating Jennifer for the past 3 months".

This was one of the biggest shocks I've had in my life. I couldn't for the life of me understand how he had bin keeping thier relationship for over 3 months and blowing off his friends party in favor of my ex. For 2 weeks, I grinded my teeth so hard in my sleep, I had problems eating properly from the pain in my jaw. But I wanted us to still be friends, I asked him why he lied about it, why couldnt you just have told me?

Now, to some this may sound stupid, it's not just the fact that he's dating my ex, it's that he blew all of us off in favor of her. That's what pains me. Short story is basically him telling me he really didn't think it was any of my business and "hey you broke up with her".

For awhile we had a very strained friendship and I eventually couldnt take it anymore when he called me and asked things like "what dinner places does she like?" and "what sould I get for Jennifer's brothers birthday".

For over a year we didn't talk and now that they have broken up he's trying to re-establish contact with all the friends he blew off in the process. But frankly it ain't going to well for any of us. Things have simply changed.

Now, you may think that if this happend so long ago why am I thinking about it now? Well now that those to broke up, one of my other friends stepped in and took his place. Using similar logic of, well you did break up with her and it's not really any of my business.

We used to hang out 3-4 times a week (we like 5 min apart from each other). I've met him once since new years eve, when I call he's either busy of tired from work. So things have changed. I asked if he wanted to hang out tomorrow, but he's busy the rest of the week and he'll see if he's got time sometime next week. We have talked this over, I'm not as you can imaging thrilled about it, but I don't wanna lose him as a friend.

It makes it easier not being equally pissed this time, the first I was simply pissed because he went behind my back and kept it hidden. Now I just feel... empty that 2 of my best friends seem to think my ex is more intressting then me. I don't know what I hope to gain from this post. It's nothing more then a rant anyway. Share your stories, tell me to grow a pair of ignore it for what it is. Rant.

My response is in the Relationship Problem thread, which is at the following link: ---> http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/18.117161-Relationship-problem-thread?page=25#5104215

 

[dont_blink]

hey, he didnt not tell you because it was "none of your business" if he thought that, he would have said it and there wouldnt have been a problem.
he kept it from you because he thought it would upset you.

in my books, that's a kind thought, even if executed badly.
give him another chance if he's willing to be friends again, if not, he's not worth your time any more than he feels you are worth his time.

 

[Aanorith]

hey, he didnt not tell you because it was "none of your business" if he thought that, he would have said it and there wouldnt have been a problem.
he kept it from you because he thought it would upset you.

in my books, that's a kind thought, even if executed badly.
give him another chance if he's willing to be friends again, if not, he's not worth your time any more than he feels you are worth his time.

Oh, I'm working on it with both of them. The first guy which I havent properly hung out with for 2 years is just alittle stiff considering how long it's bin. We've both changed. As for the second guy, it seems he is the one having a hard time adjusting to it. I want nothing but working friendship. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Truehare]

snip

snip

I just don't quite understand why you quote me among all the people here... I mean, nothing you said is really opposed to anything I said, in fact we kind of agree with each other, so I don't really understand why the aggressive tone (if there was an aggressive tone, it could have just been my imagination).

Anyway, all I've said is, if it upsets me to have a friend going out with my ex, and he knows it, then going out with her anyway is a jerk move on his part. Why should I respect his feelings and his pursuit of happiness if he doesn't respect mine?

Of course, if it doesn't upset me, he's free to do whatever he wants. But he should clarify that before doing anything. That's what a true friend would do, make sure he isn't hurting his friend's feelings by going out with his ex. I mean, girls come and go all the time, but true friends are a much rarer commodity, bro-code or no bro-code.

By the way, I don't personally believe in a generic "bro-code", but I believe every friendship has its own personal code, and the one above is the one I use with all of my own friends. And it's been working wonderfully well these past 35 years.

But that's just my opinion, of course...

 

[keillord]

I won't date my friends ex unless he is ok with it, or she is super hot. Actually all my friends don't really care if we date ex's or not (probably because we've known each other since we were 3).

 

[Luffie]

It's nice to see so many different opinions. I approve of the diversity.

This bro-code is demeaning and panders to a illustrious stereotype of male companionship while doing nothing more than tarnishing the concept of sincere human interaction

Now this id have to say is open to debate. We live in a day and age where everything is supposed to be sophfisticated, equal and mature. And I agree, we sould. But I'm seeing alot of men are the enemy. Sometimes I feel a grow up is more then sufficient during sterotypical male behavior. Alot of it I don't like. Other times I can feel just let the man be a man for one damn second! Walking sterotypes aren't made by choice, they are raised to be.

It's the old ways of raising children, crippling the current generation. "Big boys don't cry" and "ow my little princess, did you bruise your knee? Want mommy to kiss it?" Right at the start we're being treated differently by people in authority, parents, adults, teachers and so on.

As a boy, generally your given alot of room to act out "boys will be boys" they say.
Compared to "that behavior is not suited for a young lady".

The reason behind the bro-code is because we're forced into it. Big boys don't cry, we don't share out feelings, we man up, we take responsibility. So in our teenage years journying into adult-hood. We share ourselves with a few selected bunch, our broes.

That is MY take on it. I don't speak for anyone else but myself. In some ways, yes the bro-code is a silly made up chestpounding male bravado, but it's also a bond of close trust simply between friends.

Now i'm not speaking about my original post, just simply broes in general in my eyes.

well for the whole conforming to stereotypes thing while i dont like it i guess the adverse of trying intentionally not to be a stereotype is also silly, so in the end i guess all i can say is people turn out how they do and whatever factors played primary roles can only ever be speculation

i cant claim to know about the ways which males interact and bond but i think its just the label that detracts from it, as they always do. Maybe its incredibly arrogant and snotty of me to do so but i hold a low view on the use of a label to define oneself, Its hiding, not having a label for the way you are opens you up to the scared and insidious scrutiny of the world, labels make things easier, they turn the unknown to known, even though shedding countless valuable little specifics in the process.

i could spend a while filling you in on my backwards way of thinking but suffice to say i just think anyone, male or female should just be able to treat their friends like friends, other humans sharing an abruptly short life over the same span as them, without having some kind of image to conform to or hide behind to let them know exactly which way to go about such a task.

 

[alinos]

Now, to some this may sound stupid, it's not just the fact that he's dating my ex, it's that he blew all of us off in favor of her. That's what pains me. Short story is basically him telling me he really didn't think it was any of my business and "hey you broke up with her".

For awhile we had a very strained friendship and I eventually couldnt take it anymore when he called me and asked things like "what dinner places does she like?" and "what sould I get for Jennifer's brothers birthday".

For over a year we didn't talk and now that they have broken up he's trying to re-establish contact with all the friends he blew off in the process. But frankly it ain't going to well for any of us. Things have simply changed.

Now, you may think that if this happend so long ago why am I thinking about it now? Well now that those to broke up, one of my other friends stepped in and took his place. Using similar logic of, well you did break up with her and it's not really any of my business.

A)To me it is a simple as you broke up with her, to me if i really wanted to go out with her that would be all i would need although i wouldnt have kept it a secret i probably wouldve timed when to tell you tho

B) as for the questions my simple reply would be how the fuck should i know i broke up with her

C)as for your mate being an outsider now im the same with a majority of my mates for extremely different reasons tho(most of which arent my fault in the slightest)

D) did your 2nd friend tell you straight up and its been wat 2yrs now and do you know if she was still negative with either of your friends? only because if you dumped her because of her negativity that was only really around when you were with her it seems like it was the best thing to do anyway


To me its only wrong to date a chick that your mate was dumped by but should still run it by him first either way(its not like you absolutely have to listen to them)

 

[SirDeadly]

This actually did happen to me, 3 weeks after I broke up with my ex my best friend started going out with her. He knew I still loved her (I still care about her) and stabbed me in the back. I haven't said anything except "Have a shit life" to him since. They broke up a few weeks ago though and I'm getting closer to her again. My ex "best friend" on the other hand I completely ignore.

OT: Do what you feel is right in the situation. If your friend betrayed you once think about if he could do it again and make your choice.

 

[Infinatex]

Oh damn! Heads will roll, thats all I can say. Though I guess it would only matter if I still cared about this girl, which most of the time when I break up with someone I don't.

 

[Raiha]

any type of "bro-code" is bullshit.

anyway, i while back i had a friend of mine who wanted to date one of my ex's. he was very afraid that i would be pissed about it. he gave subtle hints, and not so subtle hints, that he really liked her but wouldn't just come out and say "hey dude, would you mind if i dated your ex?" i wouldn't have minded at all, but i was surprised that he wouldn't just say those words. we haven't been as good friends since. i just wish we had both been honest with each other.

 

[Aanorith]

It's nice to see so many different opinions. I approve of the diversity.

This bro-code is demeaning and panders to a illustrious stereotype of male companionship while doing nothing more than tarnishing the concept of sincere human interaction

Now this id have to say is open to debate. We live in a day and age where everything is supposed to be sophfisticated, equal and mature. And I agree, we sould. But I'm seeing alot of men are the enemy. Sometimes I feel a grow up is more then sufficient during sterotypical male behavior. Alot of it I don't like. Other times I can feel just let the man be a man for one damn second! Walking sterotypes aren't made by choice, they are raised to be.

It's the old ways of raising children, crippling the current generation. "Big boys don't cry" and "ow my little princess, did you bruise your knee? Want mommy to kiss it?" Right at the start we're being treated differently by people in authority, parents, adults, teachers and so on.

As a boy, generally your given alot of room to act out "boys will be boys" they say.
Compared to "that behavior is not suited for a young lady".

The reason behind the bro-code is because we're forced into it. Big boys don't cry, we don't share out feelings, we man up, we take responsibility. So in our teenage years journying into adult-hood. We share ourselves with a few selected bunch, our broes.

That is MY take on it. I don't speak for anyone else but myself. In some ways, yes the bro-code is a silly made up chestpounding male bravado, but it's also a bond of close trust simply between friends.

Now i'm not speaking about my original post, just simply broes in general in my eyes.

well for the whole conforming to stereotypes thing while i dont like it i guess the adverse of trying intentionally not to be a stereotype is also silly, so in the end i guess all i can say is people turn out how they do and whatever factors played primary roles can only ever be speculation

i cant claim to know about the ways which males interact and bond but i think its just the label that detracts from it, as they always do. Maybe its incredibly arrogant and snotty of me to do so but i hold a low view on the use of a label to define oneself, Its hiding, not having a label for the way you are opens you up to the scared and insidious scrutiny of the world, labels make things easier, they turn the unknown to known, even though shedding countless valuable little specifics in the process.

i could spend a while filling you in on my backwards way of thinking but suffice to say i just think anyone, male or female should just be able to treat their friends like friends, other humans sharing an abruptly short life over the same span as them, without having some kind of image to conform to or hide behind to let them know exactly which way to go about such a task.

I agree, human interaction souldn't need to be labled. But it's what we do. We lable everything. Music, movies, games, people, looks and so on. Skipping lableing one aspect of life does not really make us more mature in any way. If you see a big black guy with a gold chain swaggering down the street with a purple fur coat, some people will have certain thoughts, thanks to our beloved media. If you see a metal head depending on what kind of person, you will have other opinions.

We lable our friends too, drinking buddies, problem solvers, gymbuddie and so on. But again, we fall back to a simple yes, act your age and treat your friends with respect. We all hide behind a few lables. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

 

[Aanorith]

Now, to some this may sound stupid, it's not just the fact that he's dating my ex, it's that he blew all of us off in favor of her. That's what pains me. Short story is basically him telling me he really didn't think it was any of my business and "hey you broke up with her".

For awhile we had a very strained friendship and I eventually couldnt take it anymore when he called me and asked things like "what dinner places does she like?" and "what sould I get for Jennifer's brothers birthday".

For over a year we didn't talk and now that they have broken up he's trying to re-establish contact with all the friends he blew off in the process. But frankly it ain't going to well for any of us. Things have simply changed.

Now, you may think that if this happend so long ago why am I thinking about it now? Well now that those to broke up, one of my other friends stepped in and took his place. Using similar logic of, well you did break up with her and it's not really any of my business.

A)To me it is a simple as you broke up with her, to me if i really wanted to go out with her that would be all i would need although i wouldnt have kept it a secret i probably wouldve timed when to tell you tho

B) as for the questions my simple reply would be how the fuck should i know i broke up with her

C)as for your mate being an outsider now im the same with a majority of my mates for extremely different reasons tho(most of which arent my fault in the slightest)

D) did your 2nd friend tell you straight up and its been wat 2yrs now and do you know if she was still negative with either of your friends? only because if you dumped her because of her negativity that was only really around when you were with her it seems like it was the best thing to do anyway


To me its only wrong to date a chick that your mate was dumped by but should still run it by him first either way(its not like you absolutely have to listen to them)

Well my second friend has bin pretty straight up about it the whole time and I understand the "honeymoon" period where you wanna spend every wake hour with your new-found love. I'm sure it work out in the end anyway. Thanks for sharing dude.

 

[ethaninja]

I honestly wouldn't care. If she was me ex it was for a good reason, and therefor have no feelings towards the subjects. However, if she left me FOR him, then yeah, I'd be kinda pissed.

 

[snide_cake]

Yeah, once you split then you're free to do whatever (or whoever) you want. As someone else said, that's their business, not yours.

It's hard to say that it's your business too that the bloke blew you off for her. So what? That's his life, and if he says he's busy well then maybe he was. Suspecting that he was with her the entire time is just being suspicious and insecure.

 

[Aanorith]

Yeah, once you split then you're free to do whatever (or whoever) you want. As someone else said, that's their business, not yours.

It's hard to say that it's your business too that the bloke blew you off for her. So what? That's his life, and if he says he's busy well then maybe he was. Suspecting that he was with her the entire time is just being suspicious and insecure.

Yes, a night of pondering and different opinions has told me as much. I'm sure things will turn out to the best tho.

 

[HentMas]

LALALA

oh! i was just quoting someone, it wasnt you in specific i wanted to reply, i just quoted you by pure "i wanna quote someone"

have you ever done that???

 

[BlindMessiah94]

I live by the philosophy that most people would sell you down the river for a biscuit.

You will be lucky to find even 1 good friend in your life who has an honest relationship with you.
Otherwise, I would argue this bro was never really your friend. He was just someone you hung out with. Then he found some girl and ditched you.
Welcome to reality. It's a *****. But by the sounds of it who cares? She was a negative person anyway, and he is too much of a coward to admit something like that to you for 3 months and even then you had to hear it from a friend. You're better off without either.