Poll: Is grinding with another person of the opposite sex considered cheating?

[Galletea]

I believe that asking a forum is not the right way to handle this situation. I think this, because everyone will tell you what cheating is to them not what is cheating to your relationship. You have to set boundaries for every relationship that you are in. If you didn't set the boundary then she has not done anything wrong. If this bothers you then set the boundary.

It is up to you and your girlfriend to determine what is acceptable behavior and to agree to act in a way that is acceptable to both people. Don't assume your partner believes the same way about these things as you do. It needs to be talk about and agreed upon. Then if they go counter to the agreement then they have cheated.

Exactly this. I wouldn't consider it cheating, because in my relationship that sort of thing is pretty much summed up as 'innocent fun'. That is what we agreed mutually a decade ago, and it still stands, although it doesn't happen much these days.
However I know that other people are more touchy about such things, and although I would assume it is a trust issue, it isn't my place to make assumptions about someone else's relationship. However, if you feel betrayed in some way, then there is your answer. Her response may just be in shock at your reaction. You need to discuss it with her, and decide for yourselves.

 

[fletch_talon]

She pretty much gave an upright lap dance to a bunch of guys (based on my understanding).
If she was getting paid for it and had made sure you were aware that she was an exotic dancer, fine. If not, its cheating, its not on and it shows she lacks respect for you.

I'd ditch her, but then what I look for in women may differ from others.

 

[Sparrow]

I don't know about "cheating", but if it's something she went along with then I'd say it's pretty scummy to say the least. Definitely gonna mar your trust from here on out. I would equate it to kissing someone when you're in a relationship. It's not cheating in the strictest sense, but you're well within your right to get pissy about it.

When I think about it, isn't grinding just a vertical lap dance? That somehow makes it even grimier in my head.

 

[Genocidicles]

I don't really have much to say on the subject, except the last time I was grinded on I was thinking "All right!" then I turned to look at her and she smiled, showing she had no front teeth.

I was also asked if I sold cocaine in the same club. I haven't been back since.

 

[thespyisdead]

wellllllllllllll... let's put it this way: you are uncomfortable with the thing that she did, talk to her about it, and ask her not to do it anymore. if she does not take it to heart, dump her!

wasting time on someone who isn't willing to listen to their partner's wishes is not worth it

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

I wouldn't consider it cheating, but it's certainly a sexual thing and I'd be immensely uncomfortable with the idea of my partner doing it to someone else. Fuck it, I can't imagine I'd ever date the type of girl that would grind anyway, learn to dance like a loon like all the best people do.

 

[Vrach]

It's UTTERLY sexual, and borderline cheating insofar as it completely disrespects and show no regard for your relationship/loyalty to you.

As said, that IS the way people dance....when they're looking for someone to sleep with.
Context is indeed everything.

^This. It's not cheating in a direct sense, but then, you could say the same for dry humping and that's borderline having sex with someone. I'd suggest at the least you tell her you're not cool with it, though a person who finds that innocent is likely to be more promiscuitive than you and not give a shit. Personally, at best I'd give her one chance to knock it off, but honestly, you're likely gonna be looking for a new girlfriend soon.

 

[Qizx]

I went with the 'No it's sexual but not cheating' option. It is a very sexual dance in itself. Like you said you are pretty much rubbing private parts on another person. It's practically a standing lap-dance, but I believe context is everything. If my girlfriend did it just to dance, then I can see it as just harmless fun. But if me and her are having a rough patch in our relationship, and she seems so defensive about the topic, then some red flags will go off, because like someone else said, in clubs where that type of dancing is allowed, people usually go to find a temporary partner.

I have to ask though, why exactly did this make you upset. Is there some type of trust issue in your relationship? Is there a rough area in your relationship right now, that is making you question the reasoning behind her dancing with other guys? Or are you like me and get slightly insulted when another guy gets too touchy on your girl? Ha ha! The reason I ask is because I would like a little more context on why you felt it wasn't just for dancing?

I am probably more like you, It's not that I'm not really trusting it's just that if I see another guy touchy with my girl it does make me uncomfortable. Call it insecurity or whatnot but I just get really bothered when I see another guy holding or rubbing on her.

Go grind on some other chicks and see how she reacts. I'm not kidding, go do it. It's not a big deal, right?

You'll quickly find out she forgot the "as long as I'm the one doing it" part in that retarded excuse.

As for how to handle it, if it's a casual relationship there really isn't much you can do about since it's casual for a reason, but ask her not to tell you about the other stuff she does. That will end what should be a fun little fling faster than anything. If it's serious you might want to reassess how much you value this relationship vs how much she does. If she doesn't value it enough to take into consideration your concerns and is not willing to try then it ain't going to last and you might as well cut bait now.

It's a serious relationship, as we've been dating over a year and a half, which might not sound so long but at our age and throughout college it's pretty serious.

Just a question, and this is just something I haven't seen anyone bring up here yet, but do you ever go dancing with her? You're right about it being sexual, but if the reason she's going without you is because you won't go with her, she might just want to dance, and if that's the case it might do you some good to go with her. Even if it's not your scene, you can just drink and grind on her.

But I will say you should definitely be vocal about something if it legitimately bothers you. You can forgive it if she only did it because she didn't think it was a big deal but if this is going to be a thing that continues to happen now that she knows you don't like it, shutting up about it and pretending like everything's fine is just gonna piss you off more.

I do go dancing with her, however I have a job that involves me traveling a lot and she was on a trip at the time, so I wasn't even in the same country. I am more than willing to go to clubs/dances with her.

 

[Bluestorm83]

Honestly, if I were you, I'd be more annoyed that she's defending it than anything else.

If I did a thing, whatever that thing was, and my girlfriend THOUGHT that it's cheating, then I would say to her, "I'm sorry, I didn't think of it that way because I had 100% no intentions to do anything with that person at all, but since you consider it a betrayal, and it is my relationship with YOU that I value, I will refrain from doing that thing ever again, except with you."

Because that's what it's about. YOU don't get to decide what things you might do are cheating or not, SHE does. And SHE doesn't decide what SHE does might be cheating, YOU DO. I mean, let's suppose that to you, it's not cheating if you use a condom. I mean, your genitals are totally shielded from contact, right? Maybe you don't consider Oral to be cheating. She should just quit bitching, after all, you get to make that call, right?

Was she wrong dancing like a horny slut? In the context of your relationship, yes, because you feel that it has betrayed you. Was it wrong in general? Probably, because as a guy I can almost guarantee that NO man "dances" with a woman while rubbing his meat all over her without planning on slamming her if the smallest opportunity arises.

All that said, don't argue about it. Explain to her that since you feel betrayed the problem exists even if she would never even under threat of death cheat on you, and that since you can not stop feeling betrayed if she continues grinding with other men she should either only dance with you or possibly learn to dance in ways that do not involve having dudes junk all over her.

Oh, and as far as any jealousy, that's really got nothing to do with her at all. That's one man's interaction with other men. We're programmed to defend what's ours, and it's a great mark of how civilized you are that you didn't immediately go and put those guys' heads on pikes as a warning to others.

 

[smithy_2045]

Whether that qualifies it as cheating, I dunno, I'm not an expert on relationships. But cheating or not, you need to establish with your girlfriend that you're not comfortable with it occurring, and if she continued to breach your trust in that manner that your relationship won't last.

 

[Vegosiux]

Cheating isn't having sex with someone else than your significant other, cheating is betraying your significant other's trust.

Have you[footnote]The general "you", referring to anyone[/footnote] done something your significant other trusted you would not do? If yes, you cheated.

 

[Kathinka]

it depends on the parameters of the relationship, but it's clearly a form of intimacy with another man and you have the right to demand that she cut that out. hell, i'd even go so far and say that she should have known not to do that herself.

 

[KOMega]

I'm not much of a dancer, so I don't really understand the clubbing culture.
I don't really understand how this is much of a dance, but it certainly has gotten popular.

I wouldn't say it's cheating, but technically nothing is cheating outside of making out or sleeping with an other person.

I don't think her grinding is on enough grounds to be dumped but it depends on how trustworthy you think your girlfriend is, because I highly doubt grinding can't be seen as sexual at all.

 

[lacktheknack]

I thought couples defined to each other what constitutes "cheating" in the relationship, not people on the internet.

You know, unless they had terrible communication or something.

When your relationship starts to get serious, you should have "the talk"... talk about finances, talk about how you will function as a unit, talk about what constitutes cheating, etc. You shouldn't have to figure it out AFTER she's stepped over a line that bothers you.

 

[Qizx]

Was she wrong dancing like a horny slut? In the context of your relationship, yes, because you feel that it has betrayed you. Was it wrong in general? Probably, because as a guy I can almost guarantee that NO man "dances" with a woman while rubbing his meat all over her without planning on slamming her if the smallest opportunity arises.

This exactly is one of the things I worry most about, the message it's sending. Guys who grind on a random girl at a club are always thinking "Awww yiss, gonna git me some." They don't care if she has a boyfriend, they just wanna get some. And I'm worried that even if she protests all it takes is one major scumbag to totally screw her over.

 

[ShiningAmber]

Yes, it's cheating. Cheating isn't just sex. If I caught my boyfriend grinding on another woman, I'd probably break up with him. If he saw me doing that with another man, he'd do the same.

 

[Vegosiux]

I wouldn't say it's cheating, but technically nothing is cheating outside of making out or sleeping with an other person.

This is so wrong.

Everything that betrays the trust your partner put into you is cheating. It doesn't even have to be sexual. But trust is what holds a relationship together, if you squander that, it's over, and you only have yourself to blame.

 

[Do4600]

There's a saying about this that goes something like: "If you have to ask.....(it's obviously an issue)."

Of course it's sexual, you're roughly and rhythmically rubbing your junk on somebody else's junk. Is it cheating? Not in the most technical sense of usage but it doesn't really fit in typical closed relationships ie. ones where flirting with somebody else in front of your partner is considered rather bad manners and disrespectful.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

So recently I got into a bit of an argument with my girlfriend when I found out that on a recent trip she took she had gone to clubs and went "dancing." Now I later find out a week into the trip that she had been grinded on/with a few guys. I was pretty confused and annoyed, even a little angry to hear this, which prompted her to tell me "It's not really a big deal, people in relationships grind with other people all the time!" Now This struck me as completely crazy, and I personally wouldn't even think of grinding on another woman. So I posed this question to two of my closest buddies and they agreed with me, however they come from a similar area to where I grew up so I wanted a larger poll. She argues that it's nothing sexual, and that it's just how people dance nowadays. I claim it is actually very sexual, as it's one person rubbing their junk on another persons posterior. So I pose the question: Is it cheating to grind with someone?

I would say that grinding is sexual. Then again, so is dancing.

As to your main question about if it's cheating, my answer is this: that depends on your relationship.

The rules of a given relationship differ depending on the couple involved and what they've agreed upon. If you've never discussed this with her before, then it is both of your fault for not doing so. Neither of you knew the rules, so that makes it far more difficult to decide if grinding (or dancing, or kissing, or whatever) counts as cheating.

I've been married for 10 years. My spouse and I agreed in the first two months we were dating that we wanted to be able to have sex with other people. Thus, I can have sex with a person aside from my spouse, and it isn't cheating because we agreed that we can have sex with other people. However, if I plan to have sex with someone without involving my spouse, I MUST call my spouse first and inform my spouse of my plans. Thus, that phone call determines whether or not I'm cheating, not the sex act itself.

Those are our rules, and they work well for us.

What you need to do is:
A) forgive your girlfriend, because she didn't know and
B) sit down with her and talk about a set of ground rules that will make both of you feel happy and safe in the relationship. Find out what is and is not acceptable from her. Share you own thoughts and find a compromise that makes you both happy.

 

[Hero of Lime]

I think it's pretty sexual looking, the dance actually looks like a sexual act. It may not be real sex, but if I saw my girlfriend doing that I would be uncomfortable with that, and I would expect her to feel the same if it was the other way around.

As long as you make it clear that it makes you uncomfortable(which it sounds like you did) and it sounds like she understands, I'm sure you guys will work out any issues.

As for me I can't stand the "club scene" personally so I would probably keep any date far away from any club anyway, avoid this issue altogether.